In Part I you met Sam and Diane, a long distance romance started by a co-worker of mine in Los Angeles and another co-worker in San Francisco.  Things were going great until Sam decided to move to San Francisco.

In Part II we learned that Sam was struggling with Diane’s aloof nature over the past couple of weeks, and came to yours truly for advice.  I told him that in this case, he needed to get over his apprehension about asking “what’s wrong?” and face the issue rather than toil in his own head with worry.  I’ve seen men emotionally abuse women with “slut shaming” by making them feel bad about normal sexual behavior, but perhaps there should be something called “wuss shaming” for people making guys feel like shit for having feelings.  Sam owned up and asked Diane what was wrong and did realize that she had concerns about what he thought this relationship would become if he moved up to San Francisco.

Sam started to freak out a little bit…

I’m going to start out Part III by addressing Bob’s comment from Part II and clear some things up, so that we’re all on the same page.

Moving to San Francisco makes him look like a wuss.

Sam is moving to San Francisco because his best friend Woody got a job at Google and he can move out of the LA area for the first time in his life while keeping his job.  If I was in the same situation, I would probably move to San Francisco too.  Diane might have influenced the decision a little bit, but she was not the focal point.  He’s been talking about getting out of LA before he met Diane.  I can see where Diane might think that he’s moving “for her” and get freaked out by this though, and that’s just something that’s unavoidable.

He’d be a “wuss” if he didn’t move because of Diane.

Asking “what’s wrong” makes him look like a wuss.

I disagree.  A guy or girl that constantly pesters their significant other “what’s wrong, baby?” “Aww baby, what’d I do wrong?” has some issues.  But if after three months you start to notice a change in the other person, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying “What’s up?” and avoidance of doing so because you’re afraid of being perceived in a negative light is barbaric.  The other person is basically lying to you — Maybe it’s not a malicious lie, but their behavior is a byproduct of not wanting to address the elephant in the room and will eventually decay into something much worse.  Avoiding the issue and pretending like you’re not bothered by it, is also a lie we tell ourselves.

You should address issues in your relationships.

You shouldn’t be afraid to ask questions to someone that you’re talking to, dating, sleeping with, or otherwise.

Sure, another possibility for Sam at that point would be to just end the relationship or take time apart, but at least now he knows that Diane’s behavior wasn’t just because she was busy or sick and he can start to move forward in his own life.

Asking his friends about what Diane is thinking makes him look like a wuss.

I’m not sure why friends can’t talk to friends about the people they’re seeing.

Getting into a long distance relationship makes him look like a wuss.

There’s a lot of cool people outside of your general vicinity and sometimes making those relationships is unavoidable.  However, Sam did develop feelings for Diane where perhaps he shouldn’t have, if only because both parties entered into an agreement where the distance would serve as a natural barrier from friend ship to relation ship.

Let’s get into those two parts right now: The decision to move your ship into possibly dangerous waters and how to move on when you know the truth.

Sam had finally found out that after two weeks of worrying about whether or not Diane was having second thoughts about everything, that she was actually having second thoughts about everything!  Sam could have “dumped” Diane and simply moved on from the situation, but what if a real relation ship was salvageable here from the bottom of the ocean?

“Then what happened?”

We shouldn’t avoid every little conflict because of social norms or fear of rejection and shaming.  Look at the two possibilities:

- Sam says nothing, moves on, fosters an awkward situation in which he still moves up to San Francisco anyway.

- Sam brings up the issue and they have an adult conversation about it.  Awkward situation is possibly avoided, both parties can move on in whichever direction they choose, whether together or separate.

And now Sam knew that Diane was fearful of him expecting too much from her by moving to San Francisco.  He knew that they were navigating different courses and he started to sink (more sailing metaphors coming at ya baby!!!) into a dark place that I am all too familiar with.  But luckily my familiarity with this dark place allowed me to hopefully talk Sam out of dwelling in his dwelling with a pint of Netflix.  In fact, I was going through a similar situation of my own just prior to talking to Sam and could immediately draw from my own experience to hopefully help set him straight.

After years of allowing myself to drown in self-pity, I said “funk that noise!” and started to take ownership of my feelings and how I would handle these situations.  It’s helped change my life…

Recently, I re-connected with an old acquaintance and we spent a couple weeks feeling each other out but I also knew going into it that she was coming out of a relation ship and was looking to stay on land for awhile.  (Oh God, when will the metaphors end!! (Never…))  I tested it out because I like testing things and because…

But what I did I do at the beginning:

- I established the ship

After a couple of weeks, it became evident to me that her last relationship was still messing with her head and that it was becoming toxic for both of us.  So what I did I do:

- I abandoned ship when it became obvious that both parties might want something different.

By addressing the issue head on, we have been able to maintain a friend ship and leave open possibilities down the road for when we might be on a more similar course.  Never adjust your expectations of a ‘ship’ for somebody else.

“I just want to be friends with benefits.”

If you’re saying “Okay, I can do that” but you’re thinking “Eventually you’ll fall for me too!” then you might as well be thinking: “I can’t WAIT to be in a deep emotional pain when this all goes wrong!”

The biggest reason that a person wants to stay in a relationship even when they knows its wrong, is that they think they’ll never find anyone else, which of course is a classic sign of a low self-esteem, of having very little sense of personal value.  This has been an issue that has haunted me for most of my life and screwed up most of my ships because I thought that “this person” was the only one.  (And I have found about 100 girls that were definitely “the one”)

- NEVER fixate on just one person until you know for sure that this is your one significant other and that the feeling is mutual.

Pretty much no normal person only gets “one shot” at a permanent, healthy relationship and as soon as you’ve started to establish that someone isn’t going to be “the one” then it’s time to truly start to move on — as hard as that might be.  (Unless of course you’re both completely aware of what it is you’ve entered into and are okay with it.  I’m just addressing what Sam or myself were looking for.)

The truth is that in that connection with an old acquaintance, I was the one that started to realize I wanted more.  When I established that she wasn’t going to be ready for that, I was the one that ended it.  And most importantly, I was okay with all of that because I know that I provide value and that I will be alright and wouldn’t fixate on one person.

Sam’s situation was different than mine in that it was much longer, probably more intense, and involved a specific situation of long-distance becoming short-distance, but the principles of how to deal with it could still apply.  The ship that Sam and Diane were on was established early on but had started to change and it was time for Sam to take notice of the fact that they might be going in different directions.  Diane was within her rights of saying that this might not be what she wanted, but it was more important for Sam to start realizing that he can’t pretend that he wants something that he doesn’t want just to continue to be with her.  That’s not fair to either of them.

I told Sam the news that he did not want to hear: You have to abandon ship.

It wasn’t even as though he was abandoning Diane for having fearful emotions, but he had to actually do what she was requesting.  By being aloof and establishing that she was not sure her and Sam wanted the same things, she was basically asking for space to think about things.  Sometimes the first instinct in this situation, when you believe you’re about to lose somebody, is to try and get closer and convince them that they’re making a bad decision.

This is the absolute worst thing to do, and Sam had to resist every instinct in his body to make contact with Diane.  He thought that by starting to pull away, he’d lose his chance with her, but in reality he’d lose his chance with her if he tried to get closer.  When a person asks for space, give it to them!

Let’s say that you loved red beans and rice and it was one of your favorite foods.  Someone is making you these amazing red beans and rice and you can’t get enough of it, you eat it every day.

Now it’s been three months and you haven’t gone a day without red beans and rice.  It’s still your favorite food but you just need a break from red beans and rice.  You tell the cook, “Please sir, maybe I have macaroni and cheese today instead of red beans and rice?”  The cook’s gut reaction is to say “What? You don’t like my red beans and rice anymore?!”

“Please sir, shove the red beans and rice up your bumhole”

“No, kind sir.  I love your red beans and rice.  But I need a break from red beans and rice, it has absolutely nothing to do with your cooking skills or the food itself, I just need a break from it.”  Now, what are you going to do?

Well, if you show up the next day with a hearty bowl of red beans and rice, are you expecting them to say “Thank you for reading between the lines and bringing me red beans and rice even though I explicitly asked for mac and cheese!”?  I hope not.  Because despite how much they like red beans and rice, they asked you not to make it for awhile and you did it anyway.  Even though they love red beans and rice, you’ve started to drive them into the arms of another chef because you didn’t do what they asked for.

It wasn’t about how much they liked the food, it was about you trying to force them into eating something they told you not to serve.

If a person tells you that they need space, don’t give them anything other than space.  Even if they were playing a mind game with you, well then fuck that you don’t want to be with that person anyway.  The more that Sam would try to show Diane that he was a worthy candidate for a boyfriend, the less appealing he would actually become to Diane.  What he needed to do in this case was start to give her what she asked for and then they’d know whether it was right or not.

Don’t show a person that wants space what life would be like with you, show them what life will be like without you.

I explained to Sam that it was time to start separating himself from the relationship and find out, for both of them, what they really wanted.  I told him that he really needed to get out there, start talking to some other people, and to realize that he couldn’t placate to what she wanted unless he wanted it too.  There’s no way you can force another person onto a ship, that just makes you a butt pirate.

The brilliant John Steinbeck once wrote a letter to his son Thom about love.  The whole thing is a must-read for absolutely everybody, but the last line could change your life as much as it has mine:

And don’t worry about losing.  If it is right, it happens – The main thing is not to hurry.  Nothing good gets away.

Would Sam be able to followup on the toughest advice yet?  And would it work?  And am I comparing myself to the guy that wrote some of the most important novels in American history?

Stay tuned…