KENNETH AUTHOR

What does it really mean to be “popular” and why do so many people wish to attain it?  There are a number of reasons: money, power, girls/boys, feeling “special” are a few reasons.  But it’s one thing to be popular and another thing to be good.  Not every movie that wins the box office weekend is good.  Very few number 1 rated TV shows should be considered smart.  And more often than not, the number one song on the radio is actually quite bad.  Though they do tend to be quite catchy.  That’s the thing, you can’t get these songs out of your head once you hear them.  It’s like being brainwashed and conditioned to hear those beats and harmonies and go throughout your day just thinking about it over and over again.

Not unlike in Seinfeld when George wants to get stuck into a girls head by repeatedly saying “Co-Stan-ZA!” to the tune of a popular jingle.

The song runs in your head over and over again until you just can’t take it anymore, finding yourself repeating the chorus like an involuntary reflex.  ”I wanna be a billionaire, so frickin’ bad.”  ”I wanna be a billionaire so frickin’ bad.”  ”I wanna be a billionaire, so frickin’ bad.”  ”SHIIIITTT!!!”

It’s terrible.  I feel terrible when it happens and I feel like I’m only a shell of my former self, fondly looking bad at better days before the release of this terrible song that you just can not escape.  Some popular songs are good and catchy.  Billionaire by Travie McCoy and Bruno Mars however, is bad on so many levels.  Beyond just not being very clever, it comes off as arrogant, pompous, and short-sighted to the fact that we are living in a recession in this country and Bruno Mars was on his way to becoming very rich already, before spouting off that it would be so much better if he was a billionaire.

According to Mars, the songs inspiration came from a trip to the U.K. when his record label only gave him $350 for 11 days to spend.  I don’t know about you, but I am thinking about dousing myself in gasoline and burning myself in protest to this atrocious act that his record label has committed.  ONLY $350 DOLLARS?!  Said Mars: “We were like, ‘Is this the biggest mistake we’ve ever made?”

Frankly, I don’t know why Bruno Mars continued his pursuit of music after he was forced to live off of $30 a day by his record label before he was famous.  Clearly, they had made a big mistake in trying to do what millions of American’s find themselves doing with less, and should have quit the biz to pursue a career as a veterinary technician.

Travie McCoy wanted to avoid “superficial” lyrics because of the recession.  Let’s see how he and Mars did with that:

Billionaire, by Travie McCoy and Bruno Mars, two American HEROES!

(Bruno Mars)

I wanna be a billionaire, so freakin’ bad

buy all of the things I never had

I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine

smiling next to Oprah and the Queen

MY THOUGHTS:

Mars starts off by asserting that he really, really, really wants to have a billion+ dollars.  No, like, he really does.  Like, almost as badly as he wants to go to Six Flags and grab Red Lobster afterwards.  Like, sooo frickin’ bad you guys.  This way, he can buy all of the things he never had, which isn’t selfish because it spurs our economy!  Let’s all thank Bruno Mars for his generosity!  Next, he wants to be on the cover of Forbes magazine… you know, the yearly issue that features a Royal figure, a self-made billionaire female tycoon, and a musician.  You know, THAT issue?  Even though Queen Elizabeth is valued at about $500 million, at least Bruno Mars can stand on the cover and him and Oprah can laugh and “smile” at the poor old lady in comparison to their vast wealth of billions.  Next year, the issue will feature Prince William, J.K. Rowling, and Lil Wayne.

Oh every time I close my eyes

I see my name in shining lights

A different city every night oh

I swear the world better prepare

for when I’m a billionaire

MY THOUGHTS:

Prepare?  For what?  What are you planning!?!?!  I’m frightened by your visions of your name in lights everywhere and that the entire world “better prepare” for it.

(Travie McCoy)

Yeah I would have a show like Oprah

I would be the host of, everyday Christmas

give Travie a wish list

I’d probably pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt

adopt a bunch of babies that ain’t never had shit

Give away a few Mercedes like here lady have this

Last but not least grant somebody their last wish

MY THOUGHTS:

First off, Travie wants to be the new Oprah and host daytime TV.  Following in the footsteps of other daytime talkshow hosts like Sharon Osbourne, Rosie O’Donnell, Rachel Ray, Jenny Jones, Tyra Banks, Sally Jessy Raphael, and The View.  I’d say he fits in with all of those names just perfectly.  Also, it’s going to be Christmas for everybody, everyday, which begs to ask the question: “What the fuck Bill Gates?  Where is my everyday Christmas?”

Next, Travie is going to adopt a babies that ain’t never had shit and then give them a bunch of shit, presumably.  But if he finds that the work in being a father to hundreds or thousands of babies becomes too much work (and why would it?) then he’ll probably just put them in a Mercedes and find the first lady he finds and say “Here lady, have this.” and the unsuspecting woman will have no idea what she’s in for.  It’s too bad he only bought Mercedes for people though, does he have any idea how many Prius’s he could have gotten with that money?

Last but not least, Travie McCoy is going to kill somebody but give them one more wish.  If that person is smart, they’ll ask for a million wishes.

TRAVIE CONT’D:

Its been a couple months since I’ve single so

You can call me Travie Claus minus the Ho Ho

Get it I’d probably visit where Katrina hit

And damn sure do a lot more than FEMA did

Yeah, can’t forget about me, stupid

Everywhere I go I’ma have my own theme music

MY THOUGHTS:

Travie is single.  Okay.  ?.  Apparently this somehow related to him being the new Santa Claus, but if you ask him to say “Ho Ho” then you are going to wind up on the Naughty List because “TRAVIE DON’T SAY ‘HO HO’”! OKAY?!  Next, he would visit that place where Hurricane Katrina hit.  Where was that again?  He’d do a lot more than FEMA ever did too, which again makes me wonder why Bill Gates and Oprah let that disaster happen and why the world’s billionaires didn’t save everybody.  Man.. we really need to make Travie and Bruno become billionaires, because they are going to do such a better job than the rest of the 1%!!!  DONT FORGET ABOUT HIM STUPID!  YOU STUPID IDIOTS!  DON’T YOU KNOW ABOUT TRAVIE MCCOY, HE’S FOLLOWED AROUND BY A TRAVELLING BAND THAT PLAYS HIS THEME MUSIC AND IT’S LIKE 10X THE THEME MUSIC THAT WHAT TONY DANZA HAD ON WHOS THE BOSS!

TRAVIE:

I’ll be playing basketball ball with the President

dunking on his delegates

then I’ll compliment him on his political etiquette

toss a couple milli in the air just for the heck of it

but keep the fives, twentys completely separate

and yeah, I’ll be in a whole new tax bracket

We in a recession, but let me take a crack at it

MY THOUGHTS:

While playing in Barack Obama’s weekly pick-up basketball game with Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, and other musicians, Travie is going to dunk on err’body.  But no worries, because he’ll go up to the President of the United States of America and compliment him on his etiquette, to which Obama will reply “OH THANK YOU TRAVIE!  FINALLY I CAN CONSIDER MYSELF A SUCCESS!” because there is no greater honor for a President than that.  On top of it, Travie is going to toss a couple of million dollars into the air after the game (only 50s and 100s thank you) and the President and Cabinet can bathe themselves in their successful glory, which will be McCoy’s first “crack” at fixing this recession… by throwing a couple of million dollars into the air just for the heck of it.  Just for the yell I get.  Mmmm… mmmm… mmm… for the smell of it.

TRAVIE:

I’ll probably take whatever’s left and just split it up

so everybody that I love can have a couple bucks

and not a single tummy around me would know what hungry was

Eating good, sleeping soundly

I know we all have a similar dream

Go in your pocket, pull out your wallet

and put it in the air and sing

MY THOUGHTS:

So we finally have the solution to the recession: Take some available money, split it up, give everybody $2, and nobody ever goes hungry again.  I’m not sure why we didn’t try this years ago.  I mean, seriously, those prior stimulus checks failed to see that you could do a lot more with $2 than $600, as long as everybody just eats Top Ramen.  You’ll be eating good and sleeping like a baby thanks to the extra $2, so good in fact that you’re going to take all of the money in your wallet out, throw it in the air, make it rain on some bitch, and drop the mic.

Thank the Lord for Travie McCoy and Bruno Mars, here to save us from the recession if we just give them all of our money to solve this issue.