Netflix Instant Review: Portlandia

December 31, 2011 § Leave a comment

Finding a good move on Netflix is a good way to kill a couple of hours.  Falling in love with a new show on Netflix however can kill your social life.  When I finally decided to watch Mad Men, I went missing for a week and woke up in a Don Draper daze, lying in a ditch.

Luckily, IFC’s Portlandia only has six episodes on Netflix (and 3 on Hulu) and will only take up 120 or so minutes of your time if you love it as much as I do.  And I do love the shit out of it.

Portlandia, 150 out of 5 stars

I had no idea what to expect when I started to watch episode one.  The series premieres with a musical skit describing how series star Fred Armisen had just returned to L.A. from Portland, “a place where young people go to retire.”  The song, “The Dream of the 90s” is damn catchy and you won’t be able to get it out of your head when you  hear it.

But what was I watching?

I didn’t even know that Portlandia was a sketch show, so when it returned from the opening credits (that also features some good music and a fun and hip montage of Portland) with Armisen and other series star Carrie Brownstein, I was like “why are they THERE now?”

I finally caught on that this was a two-person sketch show, something that is quite hard to pull off but also gives us amazing magic like Mr. Show.  But how could a two-person show that specifically pokes fun at one kind of culture and one city possibly succeed?  How far could they take it by making fun of people from Portland, making fun of hippies and organic-loving hipsters?  Apparently pretty fucking successful, because it’s the best sketch show I have seen in years.

I have always loved Armisen, first taking notice of him in his episode-stealing turns on Saturday Night Live.  His Weekend Update characters like Fericito (“I’M JOST KIDDING!) and Native American comedian Billy Smith, gave me a reason to actually not fast-forward through Seth Myers.  But who was this guy, and what the hell is he?

He was like a Mexican Darrell Hammond, so good at not being himself that you wouldn’t take notice of him as a “star” or as a future big name.  And that’s mostly what Armisen has been; a face and not a name.  “Hey, you’re that guy that makes Anchorman eat cat poop!” I imagine people saying.

Armisen is actually half-Venezuelan, quarter-Japanese, and quarter-German.  That’s why I couldn’t figure out “what” he was, other than really fucking funny.  But a series star?

Well, Portlandia is so good that I wish it could be inside of me.

There is another aspect of the show though that can’t be ignored (Not counting Brownstein, which I will get to in a minute) which is that it does focus hard on some issues that may not appeal to a large portion of the population.  I can’t see this show being popular or even likable amongst most people who live in the South.  This is a show that will appeal to people in the Northwest, Los Angeles, and New York more than anything.  It pokes fun at Vegans and Hipsters and liberals.  Not something that’s nearly as prevalent in many parts of the country.

Or, you just have to really appreciate that Armisen and Brownstein can make anything funny, just with a look or an odd behavior. Oh yeah, the show is very odd and at times exhibits a perfect representation of absurdist comedy.  A sketch where Armisen and Brownstein are giving rules to their housesitter (played by Aubrey Plaza.  The show kills it with guest stars.) is one of the funniest sketches of anything I’ve ever seen, and is ridiculously absurd.

Some people will recognize Armisen’s partner in crime as the former guitarist for Northwest band Sleater-Kinney.  I am not one of those people, but the shows roots in alternative music (like guest appearances from Sarah McClachlan and Aimee Mann) is clear from the get-go.

Armisen was also a musician in the 90s, and was once a hopeful drummer that wanted to be a rock star before deciding to be a TV star.  He even was a part of The Blue Man Group (oddly, SNL alum and Portlandia guest star Jason Sudeikis was nearly in the Blue Man Group as well) until breaking through on SNL.

Brownstein somehow manages to work effortlessly perfect in contrast to Armisen, despite not having nearly the same kind of experience on television or films.  The chemistry between the two is what makes the show not just funny, but comforting to watch. I just want to stay inside all day, watch it, and feel good.  Coming from the Seattle-area, the show feels as right as a rainy day.

Which is why I can’t recommend the show to everybody.  The only thing I know is that if I’m recommending the show to myself I’d say “Dude, you HAVE to watch Portlandia.  It’s perfect for YOU.  It’s like it was created FOR YOU.” but I know that it’s not for everyone.

People on the right side of the political spectrum could appreciate the jokes against left-wing liberals, but truthfully the show is not for them.  The only way you could really get it, is to have lived it.  I lived it, so I LOVE it.  Portlandia makes me want to give Armisen a 10-second frencher, and I don’t even feel weird about saying that.

Here are more reasons to love Portlandia:

  • The only guest star that seems to be a regular is Kyle MacLachlan as the mayor of Portland.  I only know him from things like Blue Velvet and Twin Peaks, so I wouldn’t exactly call him “funny” from what I had ever seen him do before.  Well, he kills it in his role here almost as well as Rob Lowe does on Parks and Rec.  It’s a hilarious role (“Don’t make it like Seattle.”) and I hope he continues to show up.
  • Put a Bird On It.
  • Great music.
  • Steve Buscemi and other incredible guest stars.  I can only hope and imagine that being on Portlandia for a guest spot will be one of the “it” things to do right now for actors and actresses.
  • Fred Armisen in a very tiny sweater.

The show is kind of a mix of Mr. Show, Tim and Eric, and Children’s Hospital  (ehh: edit to read as Kids in the Hall.).  Which is like saying you had sex with a girl that’s a mix of Heather Graham, Sofia Vergara, and Playstation 3.

I actually have to consider getting IFC now just so I can be 100% sure that I’ll get to watch season two at the very moment that they air, starting in January.  Series director Jonathan Krisel actually comes from Tim and Eric Awesome Show, so the absurdism and excellent writing make sense.  Lorne Michaels produces the show because nobody from SNL is ever allowed to do anything with giving Michaels producing credits.

Though I can’t guarantee that YOU will love Portlandia, I recommend that you give it a shot.  Watch the first episode and see how it suits you.  Its possible that it will be the best new show you’ve seen this year or it’s possible that none of the comedy will appeal to you.  At the very least, I hope you can appreciate the talent of the series two stars in making a whole lot of something out of a very narrow topic: the dream of the nineties.

This Is Why I’m Scott

December 30, 2011 § Leave a comment









Terrible Lyrics: Billionaire by Travie McCoy and Bruno Mars

December 29, 2011 § Leave a comment

What does it really mean to be “popular” and why do so many people wish to attain it?  There are a number of reasons: money, power, girls/boys, feeling “special” are a few reasons.  But it’s one thing to be popular and another thing to be good.  Not every movie that wins the box office weekend is good.  Very few number 1 rated TV shows should be considered smart.  And more often than not, the number one song on the radio is actually quite bad.  Though they do tend to be quite catchy.  That’s the thing, you can’t get these songs out of your head once you hear them.  It’s like being brainwashed and conditioned to hear those beats and harmonies and go throughout your day just thinking about it over and over again.

Not unlike in Seinfeld when George wants to get stuck into a girls head by repeatedly saying “Co-Stan-ZA!” to the tune of a popular jingle.

The song runs in your head over and over again until you just can’t take it anymore, finding yourself repeating the chorus like an involuntary reflex.  “I wanna be a billionaire, so frickin’ bad.”  “I wanna be a billionaire so frickin’ bad.”  “I wanna be a billionaire, so frickin’ bad.”  “SHIIIITTT!!!”

It’s terrible.  I feel terrible when it happens and I feel like I’m only a shell of my former self, fondly looking bad at better days before the release of this terrible song that you just can not escape.  Some popular songs are good and catchy.  Billionaire by Travie McCoy and Bruno Mars however, is bad on so many levels.  Beyond just not being very clever, it comes off as arrogant, pompous, and short-sighted to the fact that we are living in a recession in this country and Bruno Mars was on his way to becoming very rich already, before spouting off that it would be so much better if he was a billionaire.

According to Mars, the songs inspiration came from a trip to the U.K. when his record label only gave him $350 for 11 days to spend.  I don’t know about you, but I am thinking about dousing myself in gasoline and burning myself in protest to this atrocious act that his record label has committed.  ONLY $350 DOLLARS?!  Said Mars: “We were like, ‘Is this the biggest mistake we’ve ever made?”

Frankly, I don’t know why Bruno Mars continued his pursuit of music after he was forced to live off of $30 a day by his record label before he was famous.  Clearly, they had made a big mistake in trying to do what millions of American’s find themselves doing with less, and should have quit the biz to pursue a career as a veterinary technician.

Travie McCoy wanted to avoid “superficial” lyrics because of the recession.  Let’s see how he and Mars did with that:

Billionaire, by Travie McCoy and Bruno Mars, two American HEROES!

(Bruno Mars)

I wanna be a billionaire, so freakin’ bad

buy all of the things I never had

I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine

smiling next to Oprah and the Queen


Mars starts off by asserting that he really, really, really wants to have a billion+ dollars.  No, like, he really does.  Like, almost as badly as he wants to go to Six Flags and grab Red Lobster afterwards.  Like, sooo frickin’ bad you guys.  This way, he can buy all of the things he never had, which isn’t selfish because it spurs our economy!  Let’s all thank Bruno Mars for his generosity!  Next, he wants to be on the cover of Forbes magazine… you know, the yearly issue that features a Royal figure, a self-made billionaire female tycoon, and a musician.  You know, THAT issue?  Even though Queen Elizabeth is valued at about $500 million, at least Bruno Mars can stand on the cover and him and Oprah can laugh and “smile” at the poor old lady in comparison to their vast wealth of billions.  Next year, the issue will feature Prince William, J.K. Rowling, and Lil Wayne.

Oh every time I close my eyes

I see my name in shining lights

A different city every night oh

I swear the world better prepare

for when I’m a billionaire


Prepare?  For what?  What are you planning!?!?!  I’m frightened by your visions of your name in lights everywhere and that the entire world “better prepare” for it.

(Travie McCoy)

Yeah I would have a show like Oprah

I would be the host of, everyday Christmas

give Travie a wish list

I’d probably pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt

adopt a bunch of babies that ain’t never had shit

Give away a few Mercedes like here lady have this

Last but not least grant somebody their last wish


First off, Travie wants to be the new Oprah and host daytime TV.  Following in the footsteps of other daytime talkshow hosts like Sharon Osbourne, Rosie O’Donnell, Rachel Ray, Jenny Jones, Tyra Banks, Sally Jessy Raphael, and The View.  I’d say he fits in with all of those names just perfectly.  Also, it’s going to be Christmas for everybody, everyday, which begs to ask the question: “What the fuck Bill Gates?  Where is my everyday Christmas?”

Next, Travie is going to adopt a babies that ain’t never had shit and then give them a bunch of shit, presumably.  But if he finds that the work in being a father to hundreds or thousands of babies becomes too much work (and why would it?) then he’ll probably just put them in a Mercedes and find the first lady he finds and say “Here lady, have this.” and the unsuspecting woman will have no idea what she’s in for.  It’s too bad he only bought Mercedes for people though, does he have any idea how many Prius’s he could have gotten with that money?

Last but not least, Travie McCoy is going to kill somebody but give them one more wish.  If that person is smart, they’ll ask for a million wishes.


Its been a couple months since I’ve single so

You can call me Travie Claus minus the Ho Ho

Get it I’d probably visit where Katrina hit

And damn sure do a lot more than FEMA did

Yeah, can’t forget about me, stupid

Everywhere I go I’ma have my own theme music


Travie is single.  Okay.  ?.  Apparently this somehow related to him being the new Santa Claus, but if you ask him to say “Ho Ho” then you are going to wind up on the Naughty List because “TRAVIE DON’T SAY ‘HO HO’”! OKAY?!  Next, he would visit that place where Hurricane Katrina hit.  Where was that again?  He’d do a lot more than FEMA ever did too, which again makes me wonder why Bill Gates and Oprah let that disaster happen and why the world’s billionaires didn’t save everybody.  Man.. we really need to make Travie and Bruno become billionaires, because they are going to do such a better job than the rest of the 1%!!!  DONT FORGET ABOUT HIM STUPID!  YOU STUPID IDIOTS!  DON’T YOU KNOW ABOUT TRAVIE MCCOY, HE’S FOLLOWED AROUND BY A TRAVELLING BAND THAT PLAYS HIS THEME MUSIC AND IT’S LIKE 10X THE THEME MUSIC THAT WHAT TONY DANZA HAD ON WHOS THE BOSS!


I’ll be playing basketball ball with the President

dunking on his delegates

then I’ll compliment him on his political etiquette

toss a couple milli in the air just for the heck of it

but keep the fives, twentys completely separate

and yeah, I’ll be in a whole new tax bracket

We in a recession, but let me take a crack at it


While playing in Barack Obama’s weekly pick-up basketball game with Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, and other musicians, Travie is going to dunk on err’body.  But no worries, because he’ll go up to the President of the United States of America and compliment him on his etiquette, to which Obama will reply “OH THANK YOU TRAVIE!  FINALLY I CAN CONSIDER MYSELF A SUCCESS!” because there is no greater honor for a President than that.  On top of it, Travie is going to toss a couple of million dollars into the air after the game (only 50s and 100s thank you) and the President and Cabinet can bathe themselves in their successful glory, which will be McCoy’s first “crack” at fixing this recession… by throwing a couple of million dollars into the air just for the heck of it.  Just for the yell I get.  Mmmm… mmmm… mmm… for the smell of it.


I’ll probably take whatever’s left and just split it up

so everybody that I love can have a couple bucks

and not a single tummy around me would know what hungry was

Eating good, sleeping soundly

I know we all have a similar dream

Go in your pocket, pull out your wallet

and put it in the air and sing


So we finally have the solution to the recession: Take some available money, split it up, give everybody $2, and nobody ever goes hungry again.  I’m not sure why we didn’t try this years ago.  I mean, seriously, those prior stimulus checks failed to see that you could do a lot more with $2 than $600, as long as everybody just eats Top Ramen.  You’ll be eating good and sleeping like a baby thanks to the extra $2, so good in fact that you’re going to take all of the money in your wallet out, throw it in the air, make it rain on some bitch, and drop the mic.

Thank the Lord for Travie McCoy and Bruno Mars, here to save us from the recession if we just give them all of our money to solve this issue.

7 Myths About New Years Eve

December 29, 2011 § Leave a comment

The New Year is approaching, which means that New Years Eve is almost here.  I remember when that used to mean something, and the only reason it doesn’t mean anything anymore is because everything you hear about New Year’s Eve is wrong.

December 31st is the most overrated day of the year.

I’m not really a negative person, but I will be honest about calling out overrated events for what they are.  The build-up of something like NYE almost always lead to disappointment.  We grow up for years hearing that NYE for adults is the most wild blowout sexfest of the year, and then when we become adults we find out that it never turns out that way.  It’s not much different than a Friday, except that it’s a lot more crowded.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have fun on New Years, it just means that there are a lot of myths about the holiday.  And those myths can lead to dangerous things.  Like this:

Here are 10 Myths we need to dispel for kids growing up so they don’t get the wrong idea on New Years:

1. You Can Finally Get That Kiss

Its 11:55.  You walk up to the girl you’ve been eyeing all night long.  You introduce yourself, “Hi, I’m Tad.”  She says “Hello” and gives you a come hither look.

“Got anyone to kiss at midnight?” you ask.

“Well no, Tad, I don’t,” she replies.

You look deeply into her eyes for 4 minutes and 32 seconds and finally at the stroke of midnight you break the awkward silence by placing your hand on the small of her back, tilting her body ever so slightly, and as the crowd yells “HAPPY NEW YEARS!” you give her the most passionate, seductive, romantic kiss of her life.  The only thing missing is a rainstorm falling down upon you and your New Years romance.

Or in my case: “Hey!  Kiss?”


On every other night, “No means no,” but on New Years, “No” means “You ain’t got no alibi.”

2. When Dick Clark Dies, There Won’t Be Any More New Years

This is just false.  Dick Clark died in 1996 of typhoid and the Mayan’s have been covering it up ever since, so that when they destroy the earth on Dec. 21, 2012, they can fake Dick Clark’s death on Dec. 20th and blame him.

3. The Bar/Club is AWESOME.  It’s only a $120 cover!

What’s more appealing: Getting drunk with your friends at the bar on Saturday, July 22nd, in your favorite busy-but-not-too-crowded pub or managing to get a single $17 drink after waiting for 2 hours in a crowd of drunk people?  At a certain point it can be so jam-packed that you’re basically being taken back out to the middle of the bar by the current and you don’t even realize it until it’s too late.

If you do want to have a fun time on New Years, throw or go to a party where you know there won’t be too many people.  Where it will be your closest friends, pals, and confidants.

Even if the Cloverfield monster winds up destroying the city and eating your friends, at least you know whose ass you’re touching.

4. You’ll always remember this night!

You’ll never remember this night.

Last year we went to Pasadena, sight of the Rose Bowl Parade on January 1st.  The streets were crowded with people, many of them with sleeping bags and hot cocoa as they prepared to brave the night in preparation for having a front row seat to the big event.

My friends and I stumbled to Barney’s, it was filled to the brim with people, but we had already drank enough alcohol that another drink was not necessary.

This is what I remember about New Years 2011.  Only this.

We all woke up in different places the next morning.  One of my friends woke up inside of a store, sleeping on an antique couch.  We’ll never know how he actually got in.

I’ll never forget the next day, but I’ll never remember New Years Eve.

5. The Ball dropping in Times Square is AMAZING!

Talk about a perfect microcosm for New Years Eve.  “THE BALL IS DROPPING! THE BALL IS DROPPING!”  No, the Ball, whatever the hell it is supposed to be, is slowly descending towards the top of the building.  Let’s just look at the clock.  Have we not advanced beyond things like, say, an hourglass to measure time?

Besides, its only 8:59 PST where I’m at.

However, that doesn’t mean that the idea isn’t sound.  It’s just not executed properly.  When The Ball (caps because The Ball is it’s name) drops, let’s borrow a page from Indiana Jones and have that 6-ton sucker roll down the streets of New York and whoever makes it makes it.


6. Auld Lang Syne is the song of New Years!

Here are the traditional English lyrics to Auld Lang Syne, which roughly translated means “Old Long Since “or “Days Gone By”

Should old acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

Should old acquaintance be forgot,

and old lang syne?


For auld lang syne, my dear,

for auld lang syne,

we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,

for auld lang syne

And then it just sort of goes on like that.

My interpretation of those lyrics is:

Should we just forget about those people that don’t matter

The ones from high school that added us on Facebook that we really weren’t all that close to?

I mean, should we just pretend like they don’t exist

And move on with our lives?

Let’s move on and get wasted.

The new song of New Years tradition might be “Let’s Get Retarded” by The Black Eyed Peas, which coincidentally, also just repeats the same ten words over and over again.

7. Best. Party. Ever.

People spend weeks, sometimes months, planning for just this one night.  “What are we going to do?” “Where are we going to go?” “Who are we going to do?”

It’s just build-up, build-up, build-up, and what oftentimes when we over-hype a single event, we get Watchmen.

Things are typically overrated because of where we rated our expectation level of them in contrast to their actual success.  Is Derek Jeter overrated?  Well, he’s not the greatest baseball player, shortstop, or Yankee of all-time, so if you think he’s any of those things, then yes…  You have overrated him quite a bit.  But do most people believe those things about Derek Jeter?  Only Yankee fans that find themselves blind to the truth because of their fandom seem to believe this.  Which is understandable, but still incorrect.

It got to the point where Jeter became underrated because of how loud the majority had to get in saying “JETER ISN’T THAT GOOD!” because truthfully he’s still one of the top 20 baseball players of the last 20 years.  He’s just not the greatest.

It’s getting to that point where people consistently say that New Years is the “BEST PARTY OF THE YEAR!” and then are constantly disappointed, and a now lot of people call it overrated.

So, is New Years now underrated?  No, because people still have hope every year that THIS is going to be the NYE that FINALLY blows them all out of the water.  Every year is unique.  Every different event that you go to promises fun unlike ever before.  You get as many chances as years you’re alive and finally THIS will be the year.  And then it isn’t.

Besides, Tim Stackhouse’s 1991 Graduation Party for Meadowdale High was the Best. Party. Ever. and that’s just a scientific fact.  Don’t you remember when Stacy made out with Tiffany and Donnie puked in the pool?

Do I hate New Years Eve?  No.  Not at all.  I’ve had good times on NYE.  That doesn’t mean that it’s not overrated though or that the expectation that it’s going to be the “biggest blowout of the year!” doesn’t put a damper on it when the night was “just pretty cool.”

Take it for what it is; another chance to get crazy with your friends and make mistakes.  One mistake I won’t be making this year is believing I’ll do anything but blacking out or that I have an alibi.  I ain’t got no alibi.

Follow me on Twitter @casetines

How I Tend To Follow Simple Instructions

December 28, 2011 § Leave a comment

What I Thought Your Song Said: Empire State of Mind

December 28, 2011 § Leave a comment

Well, they do have a lot of Italians there.

Cleverbot: So You’re Saying There’s a Chance

December 28, 2011 § Leave a comment

New Toy Idea

December 27, 2011 § Leave a comment

Ages 4 and Up

Hot Girls From My Childhood: Alex Mack

December 27, 2011 § Leave a comment

I have never understood the whole “Ewww, girls, cooties!” thing that I keep hearing about small children.  At what point was I supposed to start liking girls?  Is it wrong that I can never remember a time when I didn’t want to contract cooties from girls?

As a child that watched a lot of TV and movies, I was bombarded with girls that I wanted to get cooties from.  At one point it may have been Jenny McCarthy when she was on Singled Out or maybe Carmen Electra when she was on Singled Out, but sometimes the girls were actually my age too.

It’s not creepy that I had a crush on Alex Mack because  she is actually a year and a half older than me.

In the first installment of the Nickelodeon TV show, Alex comes into contact with some nuclear sludge that apparently gives her special powers, including: telekinesis, turning into a puddle of liquid, and giving me one of my first boners.

Again, she is older than me.

Alex Mack was played on  TV by Larisa Oleynik, who was born on June 7, 1981.  I was born in December of 1982.  I can not emphasize this enough.  Oleynik became a symbol of beauty to all young boys (and to some pedophiles) throughout her early career, which included guest appearances on Boy Meets World and 3rd Rock from the Sun.

Just another girl that breaks Cory's heart.

I can feel the pain of Cory Matthews and his failed romance with Oleynik.  No wonder I felt that I was also a boy meeting the world during my entire childhood.  I wanted everybody on TV in the movies that had a chance with Oleynik to win her over because then I could find out what it would take.  I lived vicariously through fictitious male characters.

In 1999, Oleynik won the part of “Bianca” in the movie 10 Things I Hate About You but the only thing I hated was that Oleynik was supposed to play second fiddle to Julia Stiles.  Why the hell should I care if Heath Ledger falls in love with Stiles?  She doesn’t have shit on Larisa!  I mean, come on, Alex Mack never went on to be a psycho ex-girlfriend of Dexter and I think we all saw that coming back in ’99.

The Secret World of Alex Mack ran for an incredible four seasons and 75 episodes between 1994 and 1998 before Oleynik disappeared into relative obscurity in the latter part of her acting career, which included a movie titled “Relative Obscurity.”

Alex Mack also had an older sister, Annie, but she paled in comparison to her younger counter-part.  To her credit, the actress the played her is giving Oleynik a run for money these days:

Oh, Hi Meredith Bishop!

How much of a run for her money all these years later?  Is Oleynik still the beauty and ideal mate that I had always hoped for?  Whenever she pops up on TV for guest starring appearances, I can’t help but say “Hell Yes.”  To this day, I still contemplate dumping toxic chemicals on myself in the hopes that I will have special powers that will attract Larisa.

She’s made guest appearances on Mad Men, Psych, and Hawaii Five-0, to name a few, and is currently rocking a short cut.  Some guys don’t like girls with short hair, but just look at this face:

Alex Mack peers into my soul

Oleynik is an example of how hair can get in the way of a perfect 10 face.  One can grow biased towards a “childhood crush” and I could never forget rushing to watch SNICK every week to see the latest installment.  If I was born in 1970, then this would probably be a bad thing… but did I mention I am younger than Alex Mack?

Some may also say that if you have a crush on an “Alex with short hair” that you’ve probably got some soul-searching to do, but those people can go to hell.

Larisa Oleynik and I had a one-sided relationship that shaped my real-life crushes.  Not just because I wanted to find a girl that had telekinetic powers (though that would be great) or was drenched in mud (though that’s a whole ‘nother kind of attraction) but because Alex Mack was an outsider.  She was different.  And I wanted to hang out with her, not just because of how she looked, but because I wanted to be a part of that Secret World.  I wanted to be “different” with her.

I haven’t watched Alex Mack in a very long time, but I’ll always be rooting for Oleynik to find another big break like she had in 1994, and I can re-start this crush all over again.

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