My 99 Problems #4: Rules About Texting Girls

January 12, 2012 § 4 Comments

If you have girl problems, I can sympathize son

I got 99 problems, and this is one

These days, there’s just about nothing you can’t do on your smart phone.  I mean, shit, that’s why they call it a smart phone.  It knows more than you, it can do more than you, and that’s why it’s so damn handy to have with you at all times.  Arguments have become moot.

Argument from 1995:

“Dude, I’m telling you, Elisabeth Shue was not in the first Back to the Future.”

“You’re retarded.  She totally was, but only just for a moment!”

/Friends argue for 45 minutes, nearly get into fistfight, ask other friends who are split on what the right answer is, go to Blockbuster, get answer 3 hours later.

Argument today:

“Dude, I’m telling you, Elisabeth Shue was not in the first Back to the Future.”

/Grabs phone, Imdb.

“See idiot!  She showed up as Jennifer Parker for the first time in part two!”

/Argument instead becomes berating and humiliation of friend plus 30 other facts about Elisabeth Shue.

Thanks to phones of today, we can know so much more and do so much more, plus we can waste so much more time with games and apps that flood the marketplace like girls to a Twilight premiere.  I’m not much of a phone-game player.  I’ve got Angry Birds.  I’ve got… some… other… games.  But I don’t have the attention span to keep up with it for longer than 30 minutes before I get frustrated or bored.

My phone is for texting and Back to the Future/Full House trivia.  I’ve basically turned my smart-phone into a “reads at a third-grade level” phone.  I’m okay with that.  What I’m not okay with is the other kinds of games we play on our phone and they’re not available on the app store:  The dating games.

As daters with cell phones, we’ve come to this whole new arrangement of what’s okay and what’s not okay, and the worst part is that everybody has a different set of rules.  That’s like playing Monopoly in a different house every week… eventually you’re just going to forget when to fucking put money in the bank.

Blackberries... lol.


Let’s say you meet a girl and hit it off really well.  Things are flowing nicely and you say “Can I get your phone number and we can hang out sometime?” You get the go-ahead.


The dynamite has just gone “BOOM!”

Then depression sets in as you ponder when it’s okay to first use the phone number.  What if you both were pretty drunk and you say your goodbyes at the bar?  Should you send a “It was nice meeting you. Hope you got home okay! Wfregr4” text?  Now you’ve just demolished rule #1.  Or have you?

Some girls find it sweet, plus now they’ve got your number too.  Some will say that it’s incredibly too fast.

Okay, so let’s say you didn’t do that.  Do you text the next day and say “It was nice meeting you last night.  Good luck on that thing.” Text?  Or do you make a person sweat it out, keep them in suspense, and let them feel like you’re not worried about it?

Do you wait a week and say “Yo, Imma let you come over tonight” because it ain’t no thang?


This is my favorite in the way that Face/Off is my favorite Nic Cage movie.  It’s so bad it’s good.

So you text her.  And she texts you back.  And you text her back.  And she, back to you. And nothing… And nothing… And nothing….

Oh fuck, I guess it’s MY TURN?  I’m sorry, are we playing Crazy Eights?  Since when is texting a card game?  I don’t need to have turns in a conversation.  Texting should be nothing more than a sharing of thoughts, ideas, or feelings in the form of words on a screen.  I don’t want to be in a competition.  I’ll sign up for a dodgeball league when I want competition.

Did you ask me a question?  Did I ask you a question?  In these cases, sure, a response is warranted.  But in the case of “OH GOD DAMN IT, IT’S BEEN FOUR HOURS SINCE SHE TEXTED ME!” I’d rather have red-hot forks placed ever-so-gently into my eyes.

I can't imagine any girl has ever done this waiting for my text.


Remember 2005?  Yeah, I know, it was a long time ago and you’ve smoked a lot of pot since then, but try to think back.  I remember 2005.  I was in college and I do remember sending some texts, but that’s when texts were for “Meet me at the theater at 5:00” kinds of messages not, “I HATE hot dogs!”

Now, don’t get me wrong because I have text conversations all of the time.  They pass the time and they’re a good way to get to know a person without having to push it all at once, but it’s interesting how fast we’ve evolved from not texting at all to texting everything.

However, I think that it’s better to make first contact with a phone call.  Texting is so non-personal to me that I would rather set up a first date with a phone call.  Show that I’m not afraid to do it like our grandparents did it back in…. 2000.

But that’s just me.  THAT’S NOT A RULE.  That’s just me being me.  That’s the whole point of why I hate these games we have to play on the phone.  Honestly, when you don’t know a person that well in the beginning, you never know what’s going to turn them on or off.  Seriously, you have no idea what their rules are, so what’s the point of playing at all?

I have no set of rules or guidelines.  Sometimes I’ll send a text early to make sure they got home okay.  Sometimes I’ll happen to not say anything for five days for whatever reason.  Sometimes I’ll send a text and then five minutes later send another text because I FELT LIKE IT.

My rules are the same rules I wanted for everything when I was seven: THE ONLY RULE IS THAT THERE ARE NO RULES.  If a girl doesn’t like it, then I guess it wasn’t meant to be anyway.

This particular free game that came with the phone… you can keep it.

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§ 4 Responses to My 99 Problems #4: Rules About Texting Girls

  • Leo Rex says:

    “Remember 2005? Yeah, I know, it was a long time ago and you’ve smoked a lot of pot since then, but try to think back. ” lmao that made my day

  • Hot Dating says:

    Hi There Kennethauthor,
    Speaking of which, Distance can always create a riffle in relationship. You may be worried about the unreasonable facts that she can be lured to someone else at her work place. To keep out of such dilutions you can always communicate with her who is always good for you and for the relationship you maintain with her. With the technology at hands reach, you can contact her either through phone or through a SMS which is sure to let out your feelings for her. Always remember, women like surprises. But be careful, do not irritate her when she does not pick up your call or reply to your SMS. This may be one of those days when she is busy with her official meetings or when she could be attending the clients.

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