February 28, 2012 § 5 Comments
If my generation is your generation, then your childhood was captured in a photo that looks like this:
If someone asked you “Who raised you?” you might say something like “You know, the usual. Mom, Dad, Miller, Boyett…”
We grew up in front of the television and then right around the age of eight, ABC started putting their best television on the air on Friday nights. Thank God it is Friday, indeed. It’s time for Perfect Strangers, Full House, Family Matters, Step by Step, etc. It’s funny how we can define certain eras in our life by television blocks; from TGIF to SNICK to Must See TV and to that 30 minutes on Public Access that you can’t believe they’re allowed to show, even if it is 1:30 AM!
In the late eighties, ABC started to go crazy with comedy blocks and after they had success with “Terrific Tuesday” they decided to expand to Fridays and created “The Friday Fun Club.” You see, back then sitcoms were made for families and did not feature the adult themes that you normally see in sitcoms today. Remember that?! So it was normal to have your best shows on Fridays and Saturdays, and not re-runs of Jag or The Ghost Whisperer. These days, Fridays and Saturdays are for the old folks. Back then, it was about us!
In 1989, TGIF officially debuted with a couple of cartoon mice singing: “Time for fun (thank goodness!)/Time for a good laugh (it’s funny!)/Time, time, time, time for fun! (T-T-T-Time!)”
Yeah, that’s pretty much 1989 in a nutshell for you.
The four shows airing in that 1989 block were Full House, Family Matters, Perfect Strangers, and Just the Ten of Us. These shows were about families and the wacky antics that families are so commonly known to get themselves into (two prom dates?!) but they were also about the company we keep. They had friends and neighbors that often stole the show because while the core of your nuclear family had to be somewhat sane, your neighbors could be anything. And as we know, your neighbors are often a little different because we’re forced into those relationships unlike most.
Perfect Strangers had no real neighbors of note because Larry and Balki were the crux of that show. They appeared in almost 50 more episodes than any other character. Just the Ten of Us… I hardly knew ye. Still, here are the top five friends or neighbors from the TGIF shows that I do remember…
#5 – Monica Devertebrae, Dinosaurs
Dinosaurs was dreamed up by Jim Henson but he died before he could ever see it come to fruition. A story of a family of dinosaurs known as the Sinclairs living in “60,000,003 BC” debuted on April 26, 1991 and ran on TGIF until 1993. It’s not the most memorable show but I’m working with what I’ve got. Monica Devertabrea was the neighbor and best friend of the Sinclair wife, Frances. She had no memorable lines that I can think of but remember this: “I’m the baby!”
That was a big thing for awhile.
Monica was an Apatosaurus, which is commonly mis-referred to as a Brontosaurus. If you ever see one of those old, purple-haired ladies with a pearl necklace, refer to her as an Apatosaurus.
Fun Fact: Stuart Pankin, who voiced the father Earl Sinclair, was recently in the Oscar-winning silent film, The Artist.
#4 – Shawn Hunter, Boy Meets World
Fact: Boy Meets World is a legitimately funny show that holds up much better over time than Family Matters ever will. In watching re-runs on ABC Family when I was
25 younger, I found myself having actual laughs not at the show (as if it was Full House) but with the show. The adventures of Cory, Shawn, Eric, Topanga, and Mr. Feeny were good even into their college years, giving it a much better send-off to advanced education than the Saved by the Bell crew.
Boy Meets World ran on TGIF from 1994-1999 and was the story of Fred Savage’s younger brother meeting the world and getting boners in class when he looked at Topanga. Shawn was the best friend of Cory, and not really a neighbor but he sure felt like one seeing as how he was always at the house. (Because he was basically homeless and his parents did not love him.)
Despite my genuine affection for the show, I rank Shawn 4th for several reasons:
- He is played by Rider Strong. What kind of a name is Rider Strong? You can blame your parents (his fathers name is King) for that one!
- I never liked the fact that he was supposed to be sort of the “bad influence, bad boy” to Cory and then all of a sudden turned into the biggest pussy on the show at other times.
- Way too dramatic and serious.
I’ll give Shawn credit for being the first white young man on TV to have a black girlfriend, but otherwise the stars of the show were… all of the other main characters, including Matthew Lawrence!
3. Cody, Step by Step
In 1991, Miller and Boyett produced another mega-hit when they got this guy:
and this lady:
to get married and bring their wretched kids together because neither one of them wanted to do it on their own. They fucking HATED raising their kids alone and they each had three. It was like The Brady Bunch but totally different because it wasn’t that they each had boys or girls, because you see they each had boys AND girls. So it was totally different.
You see Frank Lambert had a girl that was like a boy and Carol Foster-Lambert had a boy that acted like a little girl. And then Frank had a boy named JT that was totally a guys guy and then Carol had a girl named Karen that was totally a girly-girl. Then you had Dana the bitch and then Frank had another little boy that literally nobody remembers. At this point comedy was merely a formality.
As if that wasn’t enough, Frank’s nephew Cody ended up moving into the backyard. He lives in his van. He promises he’s not going to rape anyone. Per Wiki, here are Cody’s catchphrases: “Dude!” “Dude-sy!” “No way!” and “Ch-yeah!”
Those catchphrases undoubtedly will go down in history as some of the greatest of all-time.
2. Steve Urkel, Family Matters
Miller-Boyett’s answer to The Cosby Show was a spin-off from Perfect Strangers that centered around The Winslows: Carl, Harriette (the last known Harriette), Eddie, Laura, and Judy. But they soon realized that their show sucked and so mid-way through the first season they introduced the neighbor-boy Steve Urkel and nerdy black kids were officially created for the first time. (You’re welcome Tyler, The Creator)
Urkel’s entire motivation in life was to bang Laura, even though she was a complete biotch to him. He should have dropped her quick but 90s TV taught us that nerds love black chicks and then those black chicks are mean to nerds and then they’re still hopelessly in love for all time. (Screech and Lisa)
Steve… you built a fucking time machine. You also built a machine that changes people’s personalities. You’re going to be richer than Zuckerberg, Gates, and Jobs combined. Don’t trip on Laura f-ing Winslow, okay? Get over it.
(And Screech, you built a robot. An actual robot that communicates and seems to have feelings. Get over Lisa Turtle.)
And to answer your question Urkel; Yes, you did that. You actually fucking did that. You built a jetpack that sent you all the way over to the Step by Step household and showed them how to do the Urkel. You don’t need to be Stefan. Stefan sucks. These aren’t the kinds of lessons that we want to teach young geniuses. If you do, I’ll never get an iPad 10 or a 4D television because every nerd that ever wanted to bang a “6″ will focus more on how to get her to fall in love with him than how to transcend the space-time continuum. Get over it.
1. Kimmy Gibbler, Full House
The God damn dominator of TGIF was Full House, which ran from 1987 to 1995. The show started with heartbreak when it opened on a family that was still getting over the death of the mother and then quickly turned to redemption when the sleazy, greasy uncle and the creepy, in-no-relation-to-the-family friend moved in and helped Danny Tanner raise his three little girls. It was clear that Danny needed help raising three little girls when he… let those two help raise his little girls!
Still, they somehow made it work and everything turned out to be fine. Though I still don’t condone Joey taking advantage of Danny in a time of need because he needed a place to stay because he was a shitty comedian. Reason 1 that you are a broke, loser comedian: You work in San Francisco and never seem to do a show, ever. Most comedians end up doing several shows a night, every night of the week, hoping to catch their big break. GO DO SOME WORK JOEY!
Living next door to the Tanners (and the other two) were the Gibblers. We never got to know any of the Gibblers except for one, D.J. Tanner’s best friend Kimmy. She was always over at the house even though everyone seemed to literally hate her, including D.J. I’m not even kidding when I say that the adults treated this pre-teen like she was a full-grown adult that could handle such severe bullying from a group of men. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kimmy was one of the first cases of Cyber-Bullying, but she was strong enough to overcome it.
Gibbler didn’t follow trends, she set them:
Kimmy, you may have sucked at life, but you told it how it was. You weren’t afraid to speak your mind and to call out Danny and Jesse on their shit when nobody else would. You were constantly bullied for being a freak, but you didn’t let that change who you were. Even to this day, there are people that still hate you and the bullying continues. But I’m sure someone out there, you’re just letting it all slide off of your deformed, probably scoliosis-riddled back. And for that, you have earned the #1 spot on this list.
Now go home, Kimmy.
You can follow me on Twitter, did you know that?
February 27, 2012 § 2 Comments
I have been a fan of the Academy Awards since I was a little kid, rooting for those that I wanted to win and against the pretentious ones that I wanted to lose. I held the Oscars in high regard and figured that this was the only way that they would get the recognition that they deserved.
And then I grew up.
The older I get, the more jaded I get towards the ceremony and the easier it is to recognize how smug and awful most of the night is. For one actor to stand on stage and to praise other actors by describing their work as “breath-taking” or “heroic” is a slap in the face of the english language. Did you really watch The Help and gasp and go “Oh my GOD! This acting is AMAZING!” as you tried to regain the ability to breathe?
I’m not taking anything away from the fact that there are good actors and bad actors. That there are good actors and great actors. And that there are people that are so on top of the game, that I watch certain movies just for the acting. But the same can be said about any field. There are amazing doctors. Amazing dentists. Hell, there are people out there that can manage the shit out of a TGI Fridays but we don’t go around acting like they re-shaped the wheel into a more efficient design.
They’re just actors. They’re given a script and direction and they’re told what to say, and some of them say it perfectly and so we nominate them for awards. Which is all fine and good, but can’t we just say “Hey, Meryl. Nice work. That was pretty cool what you did there. I didn’t see it, but from that 30-second clip, I’d say you probably did pretty good. It didn’t change anyone’s life, but you were asked to do a job and you got paid for it and now you might even get an award. Congrats.”
If we’re praising anyone for making a movie, then let’s do the honorable thing at least and rank directors and writers ahead of actors. Let’s also give props to the editors and special effects and sound people that make an actors performance worth watching in the first place.
With that, this years ceremony did have some highlights that made me happy to watch the Oscars this year. Surprises (and I don’t mean Meryl) that make me think that there’s hope for the awards show in the future.
And then there was a whole lot of shitty ass-kissing. Here’s what I liked and what I didn’t:
Loved – Nat Faxon and Jim Rash win Best Adapted Screenplay (with Alexander Payne)
Imagine my surprise when I looked up and saw “the guy from Beerfest and Club Dread” not only on the Oscars telecast, but walking up to accept an award! What the fuck? I didn’t know he was a writer!
Then when standing on stage, I look over to the right and HOLY SHIT IT’S DEAN PELTON!
I didn’t know he was a writer either!
A little digging shows that Faxon and Rash previously co-wrote the 2005 TV movie “Adopted” and then six years later they team up with Payne to co-write and adapt the novel for The Descendants into an Academy Award-winning screenplay.
That’s the kind of story that makes all aspiring writers hopeful that work hard can eventually have a happy ending.
Now stop threatening to cancel Community, NBC.
Hated – The opening 10 minutes
It’s very hard for any comedian to be funny and edgy and on the forefront of “what’s funny” very late into his or her life. Billy Crystal is no exception. If you wanted “funny” during the Oscars or an example of someone who has been funny for 30 years, you should have followed @normmacdonald during the telecast.
Hey, let’s have a kiss between Clooney and Crystal! Hey, let’s throw in Justin Bieber! YEAH, BIEBER FEVER, LOL! How about Crystal in black face doing his Sammy impression?! Yeah, that’s still gonna be good!
No, no. None of it was good. Then Billy came out, told a couple “jokes”, did a regrettable music number because “it was expected of him!” and then we could finally start giving out awards. Everyone wake up, we’re giving out the awards now, we promise!
Not the good ones.
Oh, okay. :(
Loved – Bret McKenzie, It’s Hard Out Here for a Conchord
Okay, the category of Best Song is so outdated that they only had two nominees but it’s still cool to see half of Flight of the Conchords win an Oscar. A few years ago they were known to nobody in America. And then they were known to a few people. Now, Bret’s got an actual Oscar.
With Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy nominated for awards, McKenzie, Rash and Faxon as winners, there’s more and more hope that comedies will get more proper due at the Oscars.
Worst Presenter Skit of the Night – Robert Downey Jr in “The Presenter” documentary.
Every time something good happened, it seemed like producer Brian Grazer wanted something awkward to happen.
Hey, let’s take a cocky actor and have him be over-the-top cocky as a guy that’s documenting his life as a famous presenter and then have a camera crew film him going up to the mic to present an award for best documentary and mock the whole idea of making a documentary in the first place!
And throw in Gwyneth Paltrow because as an actress with little comedic background she’ll know exactly how to play off of it. It won’t be awkward at all!
Best Presenter Skit of the Night – Zach Galifinakis and Will Ferrell
There wasn’t much to choose from. Chris Rock was great, too.
Loved to See Win – Ehhh
I actually thought it was neat that Streep won for the first time in 30 years. I thought it was cool that Christopher Plummer became the oldest winner. Though is it fair that Plummer can win for playing a gay man but Tom Cruise gets nothing for always playing a straight man?
I had almost no rooting interest in anything this year. Drive wasn’t nominated. The rest of the movies were whatever. I have not seen many of them and have no interest in seeing most of them.
It was a bad year for “Oscar” movies in 2011, and we can only hope that we’ve got some better choices for next years Oscars.
And a host that’s been funny in this century.
Hated – “Go to the Movies!”
Throughout the night, the ongoing theme was “Isn’t it great to go to the movies?” with montages of famous people talking about what inspired them to become actors or directors and there experiences of going to the movies and being inspired by the magic of film. It continued throughout, including Tom Cruise presenting the award for Best Picture by again explaining how great it is to see a movie in the theater with a crowd of people and enjoying each and every frame of picture and sound.
Sure, some movies have to be seen in the theater. If you saw Avatar in a 2D television, then you saw a really shitty movie. If you saw Avatar on the big screen in 3D, then you saw a really shitty movie that had some amazing special effects. However, I’m remiss to think of how that compares to seeing Moneyball on the big screen or enjoying The Help with a hundreds of strangers.
No, seeing those at home is just as good if not better and a hell of a whole lot cheaper.
Look, we get it. You’ve just bought a Jacuzzi for your dog and installed it on the roof of your summer home in the Hamptons, and now you’re worried that your latest movie will only make $75 million. So, Hollyweird bands together on Oscar night and tells millions of people that they need to go see your latest 3D remake or Queen Elizabeth (your dog) won’t have a place to relax when your cokin’ it up with your fellow millionaire actors this July.
But you aren’t really making it worth it to me, and your plea is falling on deaf ears.
Here’s a deal: Make better movies and make better deals with theaters so that it doesn’t cost me $40 dollars to take a date to go see Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 and I’ll go see more movies. For now, I’ll stick to Netflix and On Demand.
Oh, and when you do make a great movie, let’s say… Drive… then nominate the shit out of that bitch. Otherwise, I’ll stop watching the telecast that begs me to go see more movies, too. And hire Louis C.K. or Steve Carrell to host.
Follow me on Twitter @Casetines
February 24, 2012 § Leave a Comment
If you think it’s easy to make it as a comedian, notice some of the people that have auditioned for Last Comic Standing.
This includes Kirk Fox in 2010, after he had already appeared in Reno 911!, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and Comedy Central Presents: KIRK FOX! Despite having already given his own slot on Comedy Central, Fox still auditioned for Last Comic Standing, despite the fact that he seemed like a comic that was standing perfectly fine in his own right.
Now, I can’t say for sure if NBC throws in some ringers just to get more publicity for the audition rounds of the show, but it definitely seemed odd for me to see Fox audition, not to mention the fact that he didn’t get past the semi-finals. This was also the same year that he appeared as Joe from Sewage on Parks and Rec, but apparently was not a funnier comedian than the 10 people that did advance.
I don’t want to say shitty things about the people that advanced to the finals of LCS, because most of them worked hard to get there and are still trying to break into the business, but the only people that I had ever heard of and have still have ever heard of: Fox, Nikki Glaser, Rob Delaney, and Guy Torry… did not get past the semi-finals.
I believe this was the same year that low-ratings caused NBC to have a 5-person finale just to end it already with Felipe “No Wikipedia Page” Esparza as the winner. Can you imagine how people would look back at the last season of Last Comic Standing if they knew that it was Glazer v Delaney v Fox? Can you imagine that it wouldn’t even be the final season of Last Comic Standing, if those were the finalists? (Even though they had their best run of judges ever that year: Andy Kindler, Natasha Leggero, and Greg Geraldo Hosted by Craig Robinson.)
Luckily, thanks to Twitter we still get these comedians on a daily basis without NBC editing.
@KirkFox gives us gems like this one:
And if you’ve been following his career as much as I have, you can basically hear him saying the joke in his own unique, without-a-care delivery.
According to Imdb, Fox has been in the business for almost 20 years, first appearing as “Enforcer” in the classic Tia Carrerre/C. Thomas Howell vehicle, Treacherous. He then followed that up with a part in a much lesser-known film, Wyatt Earp, as “Pete Spence” and then as “Corporal” in one of my favorite Pauly Shore movies, In The Army Now.
It’s a long and treacherous road for anybody trying to make it in Hollywood or as a comedian, but the 2010′s might be the decade of the Fox. In the meantime, you can get on the Kirk Fox bandwagon early by following him on Twitter and now I’m going to go home and find my VHS copy of In The Army Now and also a VHS player.
@RobDelaney, @NikkiGlaser, @NatashaLeggero, @AndyKindler are also ones that you may or may not be following and are late to the party in doing so.
I am @casetines and I won season 10 of Last Comic Standing in 2015.
February 23, 2012 § 2 Comments
“The Perfect Date.” Quite a wacky idea, huh?
I’ve had some very awesome dates in my life. Ones that went “just about right” as far as I can describe it. There are bad dates, terrible dates, forgettable dates, interesting dates, crazy dates, horny dates, awkward dates, and sun-dried dates. So many different kinds of dates, but you’ll rarely find “the perfect date.”
The idea of the perfect date is different to everyone. It’s different to girls as it is from boys. For a guy, any date that ends in sex might be “perfect,” but is that really true? After all, is it perfect to end in sex? Wouldn’t it be perfect if it started in sex? Sure, you don’t want to ruin your appetite, but sometimes we all want ice cream before dinner.
For a girl, it might be the perfect date if Mr. Tall/Dark/Handsome showed both his masculine side and his sensitive side, and only got as frisky as you wanted him to. But honestly, isn’t a guy that’s interesting and mysterious better than Mr. Perfect? If that is the case, then maybe you can’t be sure what the perfect date looks like.
You may never have a perfect date. You may already have. I’ve already said that this blog is whatever I want it to be, and that’s why I make it. The following scenario is exactly as I want it to be, and that’s why I made it. Here is “The Perfect Date.”
I am set up on a blind date and all I know is that she’ll be at my place at 7…
She drives over to my apartment and I walk outside to see her sitting in a 2012 BMW 5-series Sedan. Nothing too fancy, but a beautiful car. I say, “Thanks for driving!” and she replies, “Actually, can you drive?” and I oblige. She gets out of the car and looks like a combination of these girls:
When I punch Anna Camp + Katrina Bowden + Justine Bateman via Family Ties + Becky + Lois Griffin into my sophisticated image combination enhancing program, I see that my perfect date looks like this:
Oh God Damn It.
Fine, let’s just say she looks like Melinda Clarke in Return of the Living Dead 3:
What? She’s not a FULL ON zombie yet. Those cuts will clean right up.
Okay, in honor of last night’s Modern Family, she’s Claire Dunphy aka Julie Bowen
So she gets out of the car and hands me the keys. ”Where do you want to go?” I ask.
“Let’s go to my place first,” she says. ”I think first dates are a lot easier when you just get the sex out of the way first.” I’ll spare you the details of the next 15 minutes, but let’s just say it was awesome. ”15 minutes?” you say? Yeah, well, it took 10 minutes to get there.
We finish up and head back out on the town.
Knowing that she is of high class, I ask her if she wants to go to a fancy restaurant. She says yes; ”Red Lobster. Cheddar baked biscuits.” We go to the Red Lobster and chow down and then I ask if she wants to go see a movie. ”Sure. There’s a midnight showing of The Room. Do you want to meet Tommy Wiseau?”
“Yes. Yes, I do.”
We go to the movie and have an amazing time throwing spoons at the screen and screaming at the top of our lungs. It was such an amazing time that I hardly noticed the handy, but I did notice. ”Claire, you naughty girl!” I exclaim. ”Naughty? That? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”
I tell her that she looks amazing and beautiful. She tells me that I do not. ”You could really stand to gain a few pounds. You should really stop working out and start eating whatever you want. That is what I find sexiest,” she tells me.
“Okay then,” I reply. ”What do you want to do now?”
She tells me that she wants me to meet a friend of hers. That they had worked with the same person in the mid-90′s and are still great friends. ”Do you know who Veronica Vaughn is?”
“MISS Veronica Vaughn?” I say. She confirms.
Referring back to my own article, 5 Myths About Threesomes, I know that I have not executed to perfection. In all likelihood, I was downright bad. Yet, they BOTH tell me that I was the best ever. They care about me so much, that they lied right to my face.
Veronica leaves and it’s just Claire and I again, relaxing on the couch and watching Dateline on ID murder mysteries while drinking Arrogant Bastard. She out-drinks me, but never gets belligerent.
I ask her if she’d like to do this again sometime. She says yes and tells me that any time I call her she’ll be ready to hang out. No planning necessary. Just call or text. ”Actually, just text. No calling necessary. Text me even if it’s 2 AM. I don’t judge.”
She gives me $10,000 and I head home… In her 5-series, which she tells me to just “bring back whenever.”
Am I missing anything?
I tell her to follow me on Twitter, and there’s no question that she will and she confirms that she’ll retweet me all the time and favorite my good shit.
February 21, 2012 § Leave a Comment
This series profiles people that may not be household names, but have beautiful household faces and helped structure my childhood as a boy that likes girls.
Last time around, I wrote about Shawnee Smith from The Blob as a late-80′s crush. When I was writing that I thought to myself “Wasn’t she in Escape from LA?” but I couldn’t find her on the Imdb page. It turns out that I wasn’t thinking of Shawnee… silly me, I was thinking of the beautiful A.J. Langer instead. For some reason, I was always getting the two confused, but I’ll never do that again.
I believe that the first time that I really took notice of Langer was in Wes Craven’s disturbing horror movie The People Under the Stairs, but that probably wasn’t the first time that I saw her. The first time that I laid eyes upon her was probably in one of her first television roles, seen here:
That’s a 16-year-old Langer as Melissa in an episode of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, titled “Jerry’s First Date.” Who was this beauty? How come Jerry got to go out with her? How come I was always losing and Parker Lewis wasn’t?
I was only 8, but I’d work hard, get in shape, move to Hollywood and marry this girl.
Lust turned to genuine love that same year when she co-starred in The People Under the Stairs. She played Alice, a girl trapped in her own home that was so innocent you couldn’t help but want to be the man (or boy) that freed her from the evil people that kept her locked away. If Fool could save her and win her heart, why couldn’t I? He was only three years older than me! Who wouldn’t want to save this face:
Even if it meant that I had to be some freak who lived under the stairs and had bitten my own tongue off, I would find a way to make out with A.J. Langer.
She got a major part on the short-lived show Drexell’s Class starring as the daughter of Dabney Coleman and the sister of Brittany Murphy. (The show also starred a young Jason Biggs and Matthew Lawrence.) I remember nothing of this show and I don’t know if I even watched it, but if I had ever seen this in the credits, I certainly would have:
Beauty Contest: Over. We have a winner.
Over the next several years, after Drexell’s was cancelled (couldn’t have been her fault), she had guest spots on a bunch of shows that guaranteed that I would never let her leave my dreams: Blossom, Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper, In the Heat of the Night, Camp Wilder, Baywatch, The Wonder Years, and Beverly Hills, 90210.
The Wonder Years is a show that especially shaped the “hot girls from my childhood” because any boy of my age was basically growing up with Kevin and wanted to hook up with Winnie, or at least see Kevin do it. And when they weren’t working out, there were always plenty of other girls. Hello Lisa Berlini:
Finally, finally, finally in 1994, we got Langer once a week, playing a high schooler, and on cable television. My So-Called Life is always going to be remembered as a revolutionary breakthrough, critically-acclaimed, and cancelled far too soon by millions of fans… I’ll just call it “The first time I realized I loved outcasted, rebellious, mis-understood chicks.”
“Rayanne Graff” was the bad influence on Angela Chase (other hot girl from my childhood, Claire Danes) that shaped the beginning of the show. Girls may have fallen in love with the show because it was the first time a TV show really “understood them” and Jared Leto, but I had this:
A.J. was 20 and beautiful and a TV star, and I was 11 and chubby and raced micro-machines, but somehow we could make it work. Right?
After 19 episodes, the show was taken off of the air but that was probably a good thing since we could always have that moment in time captured in the very middle of the 90s and many of the people that worked on the show went on to have long careers that still happen today. (Even Ricky and Brian still work consistently.) That show was so 90s that we have pictures like this that basically say, “Hey Kenny, remember when you were 12?”
After My So-Called Life, I’ll never forget seeing Langer continue to be a misunderstood rebel, only this time holding a machine gun in a pink pants suit in the underrated Escape from L.A.:
I would gladly let her take me hostage after the world goes to shit.
Langer continued to work throughout the rest of the 90s but semi-retired in the 2000s. It’s understandable though because in 2004 she married into royalty and had two kids. She is now known as “Lady Courtenay” to some, including her husband the Lord Courtenay, son of the Earl of Devon. And when the Earl of Devon passes away, she will become a Countess.
She suffers from fibromyalgia and recently began acting again, with a recurring part in Private Practice. Okay, I will never watch Private Practice, but I’m sure she’s really good in it. Because she’s AJ Langer and I love her. It turns out that all I had to do was be a handsome man of royalty and she could have been mine. In the meantime, I have People Under the Stairs on VHS.
Thank you AJ. You look even better today than you did when I was eight.
Follow me on Twitter @casetines
February 20, 2012 § Leave a Comment
Here’s my impression of a guy that’s trying to distract you from the fact that he rented and watched four movies this weekend instead of going out on a date or making something out his life:
Hey, there sure are a lot of ways to watch movies these days!
There was a time not so long ago that you had to go to a movie theater to watch a movie. That was it. And if you’re local theater wasn’t playing what you wanted to see, tough shit!
As of today, here are a few ways that I can watch a movie:
- Go to a theater. (LOL!)
- Buy a DVD or Blu-Ray. (DOUBLE LOL!)
- Download it.
- Netflix Instant.
- Hulu (for a crappy selection of movies.)
- Time Warner On Demand.
- Red Box
Red Box still has an advantage over the rest of those services because it’s only $1.20 (now) and there’s a greater selection of New Releases that I can watch almost instantly. I mean, it’s convenient considering that I am at the store anyway at least four times per week. Netflix Instant has shitty new releases. On-Demand and Amazon cost 5x as much. Downloading feels dirty now.
This weekend I was at Albertsons and decided to see what was in the Red Box. I found Take Shelter and Shark Night and then was offered a free movie (basically) so I decided to give Hangover II a second chance. When returning those movies the next day with several hours to kill, rented 30 Minutes or Less and again offered a free (basically) movie and rented Our Idiot Brother.
Here are four quick reviews:
Take Shelter starring Michael Shannon, 120 minutes, Rated R
“Hey you want to see this movie?”
“What’s it about?”
“Well, this guy has visions and is going crazy, or is he?”
“Huh. Who stars in it, Michael Shannon? LOL!”
“Okay, then let’s watch it.”
Shannon is one of the best actors around, even if he is typecast as a lunatic these days. He’s just so damn good at it. He’s been around for a long time, and did you have any idea that he was in Groundhog Day?
He slowly worked his way up the ladder, quietly sitting in the back of your sub-conscious with supporting work in movies like Vanilla Sky, 8 Mile, Bad Boys II, and Pearl Harbor. He got his first shot to star in a “man that guy is NUTS!” movie by co-starring with Ashley Judd in the William Friedkin film Bug in 2006. He was then nominated for an Oscar for his lunatic role in Revolutionary Road in 2008.
He is now mostly known as Agent Nelson Van Alden (a lunatic) in Boardwalk Empire. He’ll probably get nominated for another Oscar after his performance as General Zod in Man of Steel in 2013.
In Take Shelter, he plays a family man in farm country (I’m just going to say Kentucky for the hell of it. I’m sure I’ll remember where it was set here in a minute. Or maybe I won’t. Does it matter? They live on a farm, kind of. Okay?) who starts having nightmares of a storm coming. The worst storm you ever done seen.
The nightmares turn into visions and it’s starting to effect his life and ruin his marriage.
His wife is played by Hollywood fast-riser Jessica Chastain, and now I’m in love with another red-head.
The movie is very suspenseful throughout and you’re left wondering more about “What does this mean?” more than you’re wondering about if he’s crazy or if it’s really happening. Because it’s Michael Shannon, I kept just assuming he was crazy and that he needed some help. Either way, it’s more about Shannon giving another great performance. It’s one of the best $1 million budget movies you’ll ever see, and I’m surprised that they got it made for so little.
(So far I haven’t gotten to mention that co-starring with Shannon is his Boardwalk Empire buddy Shea Wigham, another favorite of mine.)
Shannon alone is enough to rate this movie as a Class 5 storm. (Out of 7 classes. That I just made up.)
Shark Night 3D starring Sara Paxton, 91 minutes, Rated PG-13
Let me just say this: I LOVE bad movies. I love movies that are so horrible that they are entertaining but I also love movies that are just sort of 90 minutes of gratuitous filler. The Piranha remake would be a perfect example of this. Piranha was pretty stupid, but the kills were great and there was plenty that went into it to give it an R rating and make it watchable.
If I had realized that Shark Night was rated PG-13, I would have never bothered.
Beyond just being incredibly boring when it lacked the two key components of a “teens killed on vacation” movie (Nudity and blood), it was just INCREDIBLY stupid. Like, one of the stupidest movies I have ever seen. But it was not so stupid that I was laughing throughout, I was just shaking my head in total disapproval.
I kept thinking that this movie was rated R and was waiting for at least something to keep my attention piqued, but nothing ever happened.
You want a plot? Okay.. .dear God, am I really going to try this?
Malik wants to thank his tutor Nick for helping him pass his test which means he can keep his scholarship and not go back to the ghetto of Baltimore, so he takes Nick and his video game nerd roommate Gordon out to the lake cabin of Sara, who Nick has a crush on.
First of all: Racist, Racist, Racist, Racist.
Second of all: In the first scene, Malik, Nick and Gordon don’t seem like friends. In the second scene, they are BEST friends.
They get to the lake and it turns out that not only is Malik an expert water skier (must have learned on the streets of Baltimore) but there are sharks in the lake. Lots of different kinds too. How did they get there? Was it because of hurricane season or does it have anything to do with that redneck that HAS SHAVED HIS TEETH INTO SHARK TEETH? Hmm… I DONT KNOW.
This movie sucks on so many levels that I can’t even explain it. It’s got a 3.9 rating on Imdb, which seems appropriate because anything under a 3 might be watchable for how bad it is. Shark Night is not. It’s got zero redeeming qualities. No matter how hot Sara Paxton is:
It will never give you your 91 minutes back. Avoid this movie like you’re avoiding lake sharks.
30 Minutes or Less starring Jesse Eisenberg, 83 minutes, Rated R
The most positive thing I can say about this movie is that it has Danny McBride, Aziz Ansari, Nick Swardson, and Michael Pena. It’s probably the funniest that Swardson has been in awhile, it’s classic McBride, and it showed that Ansari probably could at least carry half of a movie as a co-lead.
I’m a little over the whole “Eisenberg neurosis” thing and over-saturated with him being him, but the supporting cast is enough to make this watchable and very funny at times. The fact that Swardson plays a moron that’s able to build a sophisticated vest bomb that can be detonated by a phone is a little far-fetched, but seeing as though it’s a comedy I am willing to let that slide.
McBride plays the son of a lottery winner (played well by Fred Ward) that wants his dad to die so that he can inherit a few million dollars and open up a tanning salon that’s a front for a prostitution ring, but he needs $100,000 so that he can pay a hitman (played by personal favorite Pena) to do the job. That’s when he forces Eisenberg to rob a bank and get the hundred G’s.
It’s not the funniest movie ever. It’s not the most clever “heist movie” ever, if you call it a heist movie. But there are worse ways to spend 83 minutes and it’s only 83 minutes.
Plus, Bianca Kajlich nudity alert.
The movie was directed by Zombieland director Ruben Fleischer, but this is a far cry from Zombieland. It’s entertaining, but not THAT entertaining.
I give this movie 20 out of 30 minutes.
Our Idiot Brother starring Paul Rudd, 90 minutes, Rated R
How good should a movie be that has Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Zooey Deschanel, Emily Mortimer, Steve Coogan, T.J. Miller, Shirley Knight, Rashida Jones, and Adam Scott?
If you said “Very, very, very good” then you’ve probably set your expectation levels too high. Because as good as that cast can be, the material here was just lacking. If anything, I’d like to just see Rudd, Coogan and Miller in a comedy together (that would have been a good Three Stooges) and see how that plays out.
There’s just a lot of weird mis-casting choices here in an attempt to pack as many good comedic actors into one film as possible, but very little about it works. Rudd works as a lazy and misguided hippy and Miller as the hippy that replaces him. But not much else did.
Like Rashida Jones as a suit-wearing lesbian? Or Coogan as an asshole husband and documentary film director? It really made me sad to see Coogan cast in a role that wasn’t funny at all. And then Banks cast a brunette with a terrible haircut?
Rudd is forced into a situation where his bitchy ex kicks him out after he returns from jail and is forced to go find a place to live because he can’t find a real job. I didn’t know the exact premise of the movie going in, but about 20 minutes later I had figured out where the next 70 minutes were going to take me.
There are very few characters in this movie to root for except for Rudd, but all of his sisters are either awful or misguided in their dislike of their brother going into the third act.
It was too predictable and not funny enough to warrant a second viewing from me at this point. It might be worth a single watch because of Rudd though and a couple of decent chuckles.
I give Our Idiot Brother 2 out of 4 siblings.
Follow me on Twitter @casetines
February 18, 2012 § Leave a Comment
It’s Saturday night and the time is right to drink and watch shit.
Tonight, my roommate Jon and I have margaritas and Hangover Part II. I saw this movie in the theaters and I walked out completely embarrassed for everyone involved. The first Hangover was very good, but immediately became a bit douchey because people wouldn’t shut up about it.
That’s a problem with really popular comedies…. we abuse the shit out of them. They’re over-quoted, over-copied, and overrated. The Hangover is a great movie…. in moderation. The Hangover Part II was the exact same fucking movie, except set in Thailand and with a goal to “outdo the original.” When you try to outdo a “raunchy comedy” you end up becoming ridiculous and un-funny.
I love Zach Galifianakis and Ed Helms, but we went off track here guys. Hope that Hangover Part III isn’t a worthless piece of shit.
Let’s do this.
8:06… it begins
8:16 – Bradley Cooper is the most replaceable of the front three. I could have seen Ryan Gosling in the original.
8:21 – Can’t wait for Community to come back, because as good as he is as Mr Chow, Ken Jeong is at his best on Community.
8:38 – My roommate can’t metabolize alcohol. He’s NOT asian. (That’s not offensive asians, most of my friends are asian.) He’s already pretty drunk.
8:46 – Andy Bernard wakes up with a face tattoo. Now we’ve gone to “that level.” Ooohhh… THEY WENT THERE!!!!
8:53 – It would have been more extreme if they shaved Zach’s head.
9:02 – Alan lightens the mood of a terrible situation with a dick joke by giving the monk a boner. They aren’t even shy when they re-do jokes from the first one. Just like “Yeah. We’re doing it again. Wanna fight about it?”
9:10 – Even though they go to Thailand, they still bring back characters that they just couldn’t do without, like the Greek guy from MadTV that ran the chapel in the first movie. THAT DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE!!!!!
9:20 – “Hey, we can be racist and homophobic at THE SAME TIME!” – Hangover Part 2 writing.
9:30 – You would never forgive Zach Galifianakis for doing what he did, right? Ever? Twice? Ever, right?
9:49 – This movies formula is so close to the original that it’s pathetic. They make the phone call, the wife gets on the phone, then someone stops someone from completing the phone call when they REALIZE WHERE THE PERSON IS ! OMG IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!!!!
10:06 – No matter what, it always turns out okay in the end. Better than before the Hangover EVEN!
10:13 – Oh, I got pictures from the whole night! “Okay, but then we delete them.”
Dear Hangover II,
You really fucking sucked. You were the first movie in a different country. Really original. Basically, you were a way to double your profits from the first movie by re-releasing it. That’s bullshit.
Try to be original. You made one original funny movie. Could you not have been different from the first and still made money? Way to half-ass your bullshit.
Really disappointing. You should be ashamed.
February 17, 2012 § 5 Comments
Fuck the politeness up here at Kenneth Author. Let’s get real.
Sex is one of the most interesting parts of life. Right up there with the O.J. murder trial and Cuties oranges. But so much is still unknown about sex and dating. We leave it up to a guessing game of what goes where and when it’s appropriate to talk about anal. (Halfway through the first date.)
For a long portion of my life, I didn’t think very many girls masturbated. That turned out to be false. They all do it. That shit blew my mind more than finding out that Mary Kate Ashley Olsen was actually two people. This one crazy fact just seemed insane to me:
Girls like sex.
They love it in fact. Why didn’t anyone tell ME?! Or maybe it was that they only didn’t like sex with me, I can’t remember. But the truth is that girls love sex, they think about sex, they have private time just like guys do, they watch porn, and they have dirty minds. Yet beyond all of that, girls still seem like the gender that could go the rest of their lives without it, even though that’s entirely untrue.
There are several theories that males work through in our thoughts and conversations, and one of them is this: It’s a numbers game. Theoretically speaking, what if you were in a bar with 100 females and you went up to each one of those females and simply said “Want to get out of here and have sex?” how many girls would say “Yes”?
It is not good strategy to go up to one girl and ask her for sex. It’s pretty asinine to do it to 100, even. But if you did ask 100 girls that question, inevitably would you not come up to one that said yes? You may think that the success rate for that question would be very low, and you would probably be right, but even if it was 2%, then you’re still supposing that 2 of the girls in that bar would be down to have sex with a stranger if they were simply asked.
Two percent is a tiny fraction and terrible odds. I play a lot of poker, and there are 2% odds on certain hands and situations, but every once in awhile you’ll see it hit. It’s still so rare that I can go months and not see a 2% hitter fall down. But 2% is still greater than zero.
Some might even think that the odds of this question is actually higher than 2%. What if it was 10 girls in that bar that said yes? Then the odds aren’t so bad. However, there are many extenuating circumstances and variables, that one can not suppose that a single percentage would define the answer at all.
- You look like Ryan Gosling, or you look like me.
- You are at a normal bar, or you are at a sex club.
- The amount of drinks consumed and/or the time of night.
- What’s going through a girl’s mind at the time she’s asked the question. Was she just dumped? Did she just catch her boyfriend cheating? Has it been six months since last having sex?
- How are you dressed, how do you smell, how have you presented yourself?
- What’s your attractiveness compared to the other men in the bar? In terms of a relationship, a man’s personality, etc., will have an effect on his date-ability, but this is only for sex, so attractiveness is key and even if she is open for sex she knows that there are other options.
That’s just six. Of course there are many more.
If a woman is in a bar with 100 men and goes around asking them if they want to get out of there and have sex, she’ll probably only need to go up to one guy. Depending on her own variables, this number will go up or down, but we already know for a fact that most men have sex first and ask questions later. This is the key difference in the sexuality of men and women. There is not really a point of the “numbers game” for women, because women hold all of the power. The power of the vagina is the greatest power that women hold over men, and perhaps this is part of the reason that they are more guarded about sex, even though they enjoy it very much.
They can’t just go out giving it up for free.
This isn’t to degrade women. At all. Contrary to any beliefs you may have about me, I respect women much more than most guys do. I grew up in a household of women and I am not one of those guys that goes on OkCupid and asks girls for sex. I want to find an actual girlfriend and I usually don’t even go for a kiss on the first date unless it seems like sparks are flying. For the record, I’m not asking this question because I want to see if it’s worth trying. If you think that I am THAT confident in myself, then you’d be the first!
I also DO have friends that use online dating for sex. They aren’t shy about their intentions. They do tell girls early on that the only reason that they are there is for sex. And that friend (okay, there’s only one of them) DOES successfully meet up with girls from OkCupid on a regular basis for sex.
The point I am trying to make is that women are indeed sexual. The older I get, and the older the women get that I date, the more that I find these things out because older women are much more upfront than younger women. Something seems to change as women get older, just like I go through changes as I approach thirty.
We don’t have time for bullshit.
Sometimes it’s just fun to have sex. Not like a crazy jackrabbit, but anything in moderation can be a good thing, including a just-sex-relationship. So my question to women is this:
If a guy just asked you for sex, under any circumstances could you find yourself saying “Yes”?
If you were on a first date with a guy and it was going well, but halfway through he said “Do you want to go back to my place and fuck?” (or something) could you see yourself saying “Yes”?
I’d love to get some actual comments here or hit me up on twitter @casetines
February 17, 2012 § Leave a Comment
Oh, Hotmail. You stupid bitch.
I have fully transitioned away from Hotmail, and it only took me five years after everyone else. I still have to check the account for emails, because not every important contact or bill notification is aware of the transition (and not every bill notification will become aware) so I go check it once a week and notice my 350 new pieces of junk.
They aren’t without entertainment value.
It’s not a good idea to reply to junk mail. It’s not even a good idea to UNSUBSCRIBE to junk mail, because all you’ve done for them is confirm your existence. However, I don’t give a SHIT about my Hotmail account. The only “hot males” in my life are my friends and Ryan Gosling.
So I’ve decided to say “What the hell” and respond to a few. Here they are:
Wonder Pills for Thrills:
An $850,000 Thank You for Past Efforts:
Summary: (Because of length of email, here is a summary)
How are you and your family today?.I hope your alright. It’s been long i heard from you. Well, I just want to use this medium to thank you very much for your earlier assistance to help me in receiving those Funds.
I am obliged to inform you that I have succeeded in receiving the funds with the help of a new partner from Bangladesh.
Everything was perfectly done because we strike a deal with one of the Lady accountant who works with (HSBC) bank and she rendered a tremendous help to us. My new partner initiated this idea and everything worked out successfully.
In appreciation of your earlier assistance to me in receiving the Funds,I have decided to compensate you with the sum of $850,000.00 in a cheque ( Eight Hundred and Fiffty Thousand United States Dollars). This is from my own share. I did this simply to show you that it is good to do good things to the right people always.
Presently, I am in Bangladesh with my family now for investment project with my own share under the advice of my new partner. Meanwhile, I didn’t forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in transferring those funds despite you latter started having a bais mind.
Please I will like you to accept this token with good faith as this is from the bottom of my heart, So comply with Mr Mark Olise directives..
So feel free to get in touch with him, He will send the Bank Cashier Cheque in amount to you without any delay.
I will also like you to reconfirm your contact information as you wish to receive your money to him as I stated below to enable him send the cheque to you.
1. FULL NAMES:
Your bank Information depending on your desire. In the moment, I’m very busy here in Bangladesh because of the investment projects, which the new partner and I are having at hand.
Take care of yourself I hope to meet you soon.
Dr Mark James.