The Top 10 Top 10 List
February 11, 2012 § 2 Comments
I love lists. If it wasn’t for VH1, how would we ever know what to think of anything ever? I’m sorry, but I can’t be expected to decide on the top 100 two-hit wonders of the 90s on my own. I got shit to do!
Lists and rankings and ordering of things in terms of importance, is a really important thing to do. When it’s ranked, it’s time to throw caution and opinion to the wind and say “fuck it!” this is how we will feel about this topic.
AFI’s top 100 and top 10 lists. The IMDb top 250. The top 5 kinds of prostitutes. All of these lists will go down in history as being super important. But then again, what do they mean if I can’t assign value to the NUMBERS in a top 10? It’s about time that somebody finally ranks the top 10 numbers in a top 10 list so that we finally have the age old question: What are the top 10 numbers?
That’s what I’m here for.
Oh, hey first loser. How does it feel to be looking up at number one and knowing that you finished so close but still came up short? You will never be good enough to be #1. There’s no 2nd place prize. #1 won the showcase showdown and your showcase as well, all because you pussy-bet $1.
Way to go #2. And yes, that’s a poop joke. You’re poop.
9 is so the most 9 number there is. Sitting at the back. Completely forgotten. At least 10 is the first mentioned in a list. Nobody remembers the 9th president.
The 9th president was William Henry Harrison. He was the president for 32 days until dying of pneumonia. Way to go nine. What a loser.
6 is known as the “pussy number” because 6 is actually AFRAID OF 7. Dude, what kind of a number is scared of other numbers? Did 7 eat 9? Well, who wouldn’t eat 9 for being such a loser number? 9 probably just sat there and took it because 9 is a terrible number. And 6 woud probably sit there and take it too.
Get some balls 6.
The real question here is whether or not “Eight is Enough”? Is 8 enough? It’s definitely not too much. 8 is lacking. There’s nothing elite about 8. 7 might have eaten 9, but to get to 9, 7 sliced 8 in half and turned 8 into a couple of little zeros.
Knock 8 on it’s back and it turns into a much cooler infinity, but as it stands, it’s just a loser 8. Ever do a circle 8? You end up in the same place you started and you get dizzy and vomit.
Everybody wants to be in the top 3. EVERYBODY! The top 3 get a medal. The top 3 get recognition. The top 3 is where you get the cream of the crop. So what does that make 4?
It makes 4 the 2 of the top 3 world. Just a loser.
Give credit where credit is due. 10 moved it’s way up from 10 into the top 5. Why?
10 is the only double-digit number in a top 10. It’s the lead-off hitter of a top 10 list. #10 might have been one step away from being 11 (the WORST) but snuck into the top 10 and you gotta give credit for that. Still, if 10 lost that beer belly, it might be 1. Drop the pot belly, 10.
If it’s not a top 10, then it might be a top 5. There are a lot of special things about 5. 5 fingers. 5 toes. It’s 5 o clock somewhere. 5 hour energy. 5 stages of grief.
Johnny 5 is alive.
Still, 5 is in the top 5, but not in the top 3.
Wow, what an upset. #1 is third, not #1. How could this happen?
Well, for one (in the sense that I’m about to list two things about one but not in the sense that I’m talking about 1 right now even though I am talking about 1, I don’t mean to say “Well, for one” in terms of “Well, for 1″ you know what I mean?)… Well, for one (again, I am just about to list off TWO things about 1 but not in the sense that I’m talking about the #1 like I was saying “Well, for Jim” I mean it in the way that I’d say “Well, for one, Jim likes ping pong”.)… Well, for one (That would be like me saying, “Well, for Jim…” and I don’t mean it like that. I mean it in that I’m going to list some things off for 1. You see now?)
Well, for one. Shit, I forgot.
Look, one has the least amount of value of any number in the top 10. Yes, you are in first, but you probably fucking cheated anyway. #1 is most likely to be a steroid user.
Well, well, well… look at Lucky Number 7. (Not to be confused with Slevin.)
7 is a murderer. Probably a r8pist too. Just don’t fuck with 7. They tried to indict 7 on murder charges, but that lucky son of a 21 (21 got divided by 3 and 3 wasn’t using a condom. And 21 is really against abortion and shit. It was this whole big mess. 7 doesn’t even really know 3 and that’s part of the reason 7 turned to a life of crime and murder.) managed to escape the charges.
It’s the rule of 3. 3 is the best number in the top 10 and the top 5 and the top 3.
Here’s what you need to know about 3:
- When one celebrity dies, two more have to go within a week.
- When you list off things, you always have to mention 3 things because it makes any argument more well-rounded and the third thing is always the most jokey of the three things.
- 3 Ninjas
Is it an upset to say that 3 is #1? Well, maybe. Or maybe fucking not. If you’re keeping track at home, here’s the list:
So, if 1 is 3 and 3 is 1, then actually 1 is 1. Meanwhile if 10 is 5 and 5 is 4 and 4 is 6 and 6 was in The River Wild with Kevin Bacon.