Spoiled Movies: Buried with Ryan Reynolds

February 14, 2012 § Leave a comment

In this series, I give you the full synopsis and spoil the endings of movies that maybe you are curious about but don’t want to watch.  If you don’t want to know how Buried ends, don’t fucking read it.  But it’s a movie that takes place entirely in a coffin, so it might not appeal to most people.

Here is Buried:

Ryan Reynolds wakes up in a coffin, one of our worst fears.  I say “our” because none of us want to be buried alive, burned alive, or drowned.  We want to die in our sleep, or have Scarlett Johansson slit your throat while she’s fully nude.

Reynolds finds a cell phone in the coffin and then he makes some phone calls.  We find out that he was working as a truck driver in Iraq when he was in a convoy and attacked by insurgents and then he woke up in the coffin.

Frankly, why would anybody go to Iraq if they weren’t a soldier?  What kind of an idiot does that?  Either go to Iraq because you want to fight for the country and be given guns and grenades or DON’T FUCKING GO TO IRAQ.  You might just get buried.

He calls 911, they can’t help him.

He calls the FBI, but loses a signal.

He calls his company, CRT, but if there was an emergency he was supposed to call a DIFFERENT number, so he’s fucked there too.

The people that kidnapped him call him and are like “You are soldier?”

“No, I’m not a soldier, I’m a truck driver!”

“What kind of man come to Iraq and not work as soldier?  Are you fucking idiot?”

“Yes. Yes, I’m a fucking idiot, but let me out, please. I’m not a soldier.”

“$5 million by 9 PM.”

“Dude.  I’m a fucking truck driver and I CHOSE to come to Iraq because I needed the money.  Are you kidding me?”

“Your embassy.”

“Fine.”

He finally gets the number he needs and finally is able to talk to people who believe him and know that he’s actually buried in a box in Iraq and that they’re working to find him.

Thirty minutes in the movie he talks to a dude that’s got the 411 on what he really needs to do.  First of all, turn your phone from vibrate to ring tone in order to conserve battery life, but that’s just a good tip whether you’re buried in a coffin in Iraq or not.

They also tell Ryan that they don’t negotiate with terrorists and too bad, so sad.   But they’re working to find him and get him out of the box.  (Finally, Brad Pitt will know what’s in the box.)

The terrorist calls again and is insulted that he’d be called a terrorist.  Ehh… yeah, you’re kind of a terrorist my dude.

Reynolds is like, “They’re not going to pay.”

Terrorist: “$1 million money.”  (Racist.)

Like many audience members, he starts to get bored and plays Words with Friends on his phone, waiting to be rescued.

He talks to the British guy that’s helping him again and gives him the number of the terrorist.  Oh yeah, the racist stereotype terrorist tells him that he wants him to make an anti-America movie in order to be released, but the British guy is like “No, don’t do that.  If you make a video, say you fucking love America and say God Save the Queen, too for me, okay?”

Are terrorists the only people that movies are allowed to be racist about?  I mean, I guess I was defending terrorists there.  But it’s also racist against Middle Eastern people.

So Ryan and the British guy talk about someone else that this happened to named Mark White and the British guy is like “We found him and we’ll find you too.  We already have a solid lead.”

The terrorist is named Jabir and is played by Jose Luis Garcia Perez.  Holy shit, that’s like 10 times more racist.  They basically hired the most Spanish-sounding name ever to voice an Iraqi terrorist because they clearly think that terrorists sound like Mexicans.  This reminds me of Cliff Curtis.

This is Cliff Curtis:

He’s an actor from New Zealand with a unique look.

This is Cliff Curtis in Training Day, as a Mexican gangster:

This is Cliff Curtis as a terrorist in Collateral Damage:

Here he’s a fucking caveman in 10,000 BC

God, what an awful fucking movie.  I’m happy that Cliff Curtis can be so diverse though and play any race, sex, religion, or age.  Cliff Curtis as Tina Turner in The Tina Turner Movie.  Cliff Curtis as a tree in Trees.

So, Ryan Reynolds made the video saying “Fuck America.”

Then a snake crawls up his pants because the movie was really starting to lag and now we got a snake to deal with.  If I had been buried alive in Iraq for an hour and then saw a snake, even as deadly as this one probably was, I’d probably be like “Are you fucking kidding me snake?  I’m pretty much in a “This can’t get any worse” situation, and I fucking mean that.  No amount of snakes can top the fact that I’m buried alive in Iraq.  Sorry to disappoint you.”

He throws some shit on the snake and then burns it and it crawls back out through the hole it came in.  No biggie.

Ryan Reynolds calls his mom in an old folks home to say “Goodbye” just in case.  It’s sweet, but Jesus, how old are you Reynolds?  How old were your parents when they had you?  I mean… it’s kinda weird.  His mom has Alzheimers and shit and his dad is dead.  Thats the type of shit people go through when they’re 50 usually.  Are you 50, Ryan Reynolds?

There was another person kidnapped, a woman that worked with Ryan, and he has been trying to keep the terrorists from killing her too.  They send him a video of her being shot in the head.

The British guy, his name is Dan, is like “Why’d you make that video you jerk!?” and Ryan is like “Fuck you man.  They killed my friend.”

And Dan is like, “Your anti-American video already has 47,000 hits on YouTube.”

So what Dan?  Do you know what I would do to get 47,000 hits?  Terrible things.  Awful, anti-American, anti-human, anti-kitty things in order to get 47,000 hits in less than an hour.  If anything, we’ve finally unlocked the key to getting a bunch of YouTube hits.

The top of the coffin breaks and sand starts pouring in, but there’s 26 minutes left.  I hardly think he’s in danger or that he’s about to get out.  Ryan Reynolds actually says, “I got sand coming in, I probably only got half an hour until it fills up.”

Less than that, buddy!

Now he’s talking to Alan Davenport, voiced by Stephen Tobolowsky who is better known as Needle Nosed Ned Ryerson in Groundhog Day.  Tobolowsky has 212 acting credits.

He tells Ryan Reynolds over the phone that he has been fired by CRT because he says that he was fucking that girl that was just murdered on video, and that goes against his contract that says you can’t fuck co-workers.  Basically, they’re trying to get out of paying off his life insurance to his family.

At this point, it’s the first time I actually care about him getting out of the coffin.  So that he can go kick Ned Ryerson in the throat.  I am now fantasizing about how awful I would be to the person that told me that I was fired while I was buried in a coffin, after seeing my girl get murdered, and then being told my family would get no life insurance if I died.

Mmmmm…. Revenge fantasies….

The top of the coffin is really letting in sand now and about to break.  At what point do you start to consider making a break for it?  Yeah, you probably won’t make it but I would probably think that it’s possible.  What if he found out he was buried in 6 inches of sand?

Ryan leaves a goodbye message on the phone for his family.  He leaves his clothes to his son.  Which would make sense since apparently Ryan Reynolds is 50, his son is probably 25 or so.

As the movie winds down, the Mexican guy playing a terrorist says, “Where is money?” and he tells Ryan he knows where his family is and he’ll kill them if he doesn’t make a video of “you show blood or I show blood” and send it.

Hey, I do similar things with chicks and cell phones when I’m wasted but I don’t ask them to show blood.

He cuts off his pinky finger and sends the video.

All of a sudden the top of the coffin opens up, light pours in, people are saying “Are you okay?  Talk to me, are you okay?!” and it seems he’s safe.

Haha, fake out.  Ryan Reynolds was just hallucinating.  Awesome.

But wait, he gets a call from British guy and he says “WE KNOW WHERE YOU ARE, WE’LL BE THERE IN THREE MINUTES!”

He gets a call from his wife Linda and says, “They’re coming for me, it’s going to be okay. And I love you.” and she’s like “Oh, I love you too baby!” and he’s like “I’ll talk to you soon.  Kisses.” and she’s like, “Come home to me.”

And then he talks to the British guy again, “We’re almost there!” as the coffin is nearly full of sand and then the British guy says, “Oh God.  Oh my God.  I’m so sorry Paul.  It’s Mark White.  It brought us to Mark White.”

They found the other dude that he said was alive but wasn’t really and Ryan Reynolds died.

The End.

Now wasn’t that better than watching it?

Follow me @casetines

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