The Perfect Date, From My Perspective

February 23, 2012 § 2 Comments

“The Perfect Date.”  Quite a wacky idea, huh?

I’ve had some very awesome dates in my life.  Ones that went “just about right” as far as I can describe it.  There are bad dates, terrible dates, forgettable dates, interesting dates, crazy dates, horny dates, awkward dates, and sun-dried dates.  So many different kinds of dates, but you’ll rarely find “the perfect date.”

The idea of the perfect date is different to everyone.  It’s different to girls as it is from boys.  For a guy, any date that ends in sex might be “perfect,” but is that really true?  After all, is it perfect to end in sex?  Wouldn’t it be perfect if it started in sex?  Sure, you don’t want to ruin your appetite, but sometimes we all want ice cream before dinner.

For a girl, it might be the perfect date if Mr. Tall/Dark/Handsome showed both his masculine side and his sensitive side, and only got as frisky as you wanted him to.  But honestly, isn’t a guy that’s interesting and mysterious better than Mr. Perfect?  If that is the case, then maybe you can’t be sure what the perfect date looks like.

You may never have a perfect date.  You may already have.  I’ve already said that this blog is whatever I want it to be, and that’s why I make it.  The following scenario is exactly as I want it to be, and that’s why I made it.  Here is “The Perfect Date.”

I am set up on a blind date and all I know is that she’ll be at my place at 7…

She drives over to my apartment and I walk outside to see her sitting in a 2012 BMW 5-series Sedan.  Nothing too fancy, but a beautiful car.  I say, “Thanks for driving!” and she replies, “Actually, can you drive?” and I oblige.  She gets out of the car and looks like a combination of these girls:

When I punch Anna Camp + Katrina Bowden + Justine Bateman via Family Ties + Becky + Lois Griffin into my sophisticated image combination enhancing program, I see that my perfect date looks like this:

Oh God Damn It.

Fine, let’s just say she looks like Melinda Clarke in Return of the Living Dead 3:

What?  She’s not a FULL ON zombie yet.  Those cuts will clean right up.

Okay, in honor of last night’s Modern Family, she’s Claire Dunphy aka Julie Bowen

So she gets out of the car and hands me the keys.  “Where do you want to go?” I ask.

“Let’s go to my place first,” she says.  “I think first dates are a lot easier when you just get the sex out of the way first.”  I’ll spare you the details of the next 15 minutes, but let’s just say it was awesome.  “15 minutes?” you say?  Yeah, well, it took 10 minutes to get there.

We finish up and head back out on the town.

Knowing that she is of high class, I ask her if she wants to go to a fancy restaurant.  She says yes;  “Red Lobster.  Cheddar baked biscuits.”  We go to the Red Lobster and chow down and then I ask if she wants to go see a movie.  “Sure.  There’s a midnight showing of The Room.  Do you want to meet Tommy Wiseau?”

“Yes.  Yes, I do.”

We go to the movie and have an amazing time throwing spoons at the screen and screaming at the top of our lungs.  It was such an amazing time that I hardly noticed the handy, but I did notice.  “Claire, you naughty girl!” I exclaim.  “Naughty?  That?  You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”

I tell her that she looks amazing and beautiful.  She tells me that I do not.  “You could really stand to gain a few pounds.  You should really stop working out and start eating whatever you want.  That is what I find sexiest,” she tells me.

“Okay then,” I reply.  “What do you want to do now?”

She tells me that she wants me to meet a friend of hers.  That they had worked with the same person in the mid-90′s and are still great friends.  “Do you know who Veronica Vaughn is?”

“MISS Veronica Vaughn?” I say.  She confirms.

Referring back to my own article, 5 Myths About Threesomes, I know that I have not executed to perfection.  In all likelihood, I was downright bad.  Yet, they BOTH tell me that I was the best ever.  They care about me so much, that they lied right to my face.

Veronica leaves and it’s just Claire and I again, relaxing on the couch and watching Dateline on ID murder mysteries while drinking Arrogant Bastard.  She out-drinks me, but never gets belligerent.

I ask her if she’d like to do this again sometime.  She says yes and tells me that any time I call her she’ll be ready to hang out.  No planning necessary.  Just call or text.  “Actually, just text.  No calling necessary.  Text me even if it’s 2 AM.  I don’t judge.”

She gives me $10,000 and I head home…  In her 5-series, which she tells me to just “bring back whenever.”

Am I missing anything?

I tell her to follow me on Twitter, and there’s no question that she will and she confirms that she’ll retweet me all the time and favorite my good shit.

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