Mega Millions: What Would You Do With $476 Million?

March 28, 2012 § 4 Comments

I don’t buy lotto tickets and it’s certainly a suckers game, but it does give you a chance to dream.

I will buy a lotto ticket today.  Hell, if I’m feeling spicy I might buy two!  The Mega Millions jackpot is up to a record $476 million right now (damn it, I should keep that a secret so fewer people buy tickets) and instantly the idea of “What I would do with that money” starts racing through my head again.

I have several things that I think about as I lay me down to sleep each night.  Fantasies that help me get to my slumbered state until the next morning shines upon my bedroom window.  You can probably guess the first kind of these fantasies.  But somewhere near the top is the “Make money money, make money money money” fantasy.  What my life would be like to be Scrooge McDuckin’ it like a Zuckerberg wanna-be.

Perhaps it seems “foolish” or “selfish” or “greedy” to some but facts are facts: Money opens doors.  I believe that your time on earth is short and that it only comes once, so I want as many doors open as possible.  Let the cool breeze rush through the rooms of your life and force out the bad smell of being broke.

You could dream about having $100,000.  You could dream about having $1 million.  But why the hell are you doing that?  This is a dream you know.  It’s the one time when it’s literally your world so be bold.  If you wanna be a billionaire so frickin’ bad, then winning the Mega Millions will get you halfway there (kinda) and it’s as simple as being the luckiest person in America, the world, or the Universe, on that day.  No big deal.

Realistically, we need to take that $476 and “whack it in half” at least, thanks to our friend Uncle Sam.  According to, in my state of California that will bring me $269,250,000 in a lump sum.

Almost 270 million billznotties…. What we gonna do?  Enter my dreams, won’t you?

Pay Off My Credit Cards and Student Loans!!

Woo!  Sweet.  Only $269,240,000 left though.  Better start being careful with my spending!  I’m actually approaching a near-debt-free life already and damn it feels good and when my debts are paid off, I’ll be able to pay off my other debts!


If I had won, say $50,000,000, then I’d be worried about over-spending on charities and shit but with $270,000,000 I can feel free to go wild on some good causes!  In fact, that’s a good number to start with… $50,000,000 to a good cause.  Something like more Macbook Pros for students at Ivy League Schools or free Fiji Water at my old high school instead of drinking out of that nasty water fountain.

Oh, and Africa… For Sure.

Only $220,000,000 left!!

Mom, How Many Houses Do You Want?

We sold the home that I grew up in, and even though it’s not in a neighborhood that I’ll ever live in again or even in the state that I’ll live in, I’m buying that shit back.  Sorry, I’m sentimental.  It’s mine now.

I’d probably drop $5 mill on houses around Washington for my family members that remembered my birthday, with big deposits in the accounts of my immediate family.  That’s at least $20,000,000 and it brings me down to a cool $200 mill.

Damn, That’s Still a Lot of Money.  Let’s Donate Some More!

How about $25 million more to good causes.  Why?  It’s a tax write-off, chicks dig it, and it’ll get my name on the side of some building forever.  And I guess it will help people.

I’d Re-Create the 1994 film Blank Check, Starring Me

I can’t find a budget for Blank Check but I know that Preston made his blank check out for $1,000,000.  With inflation that’s closer to $1.5 million by today’s standards.  Obviously, I’d film it and try to turn a profit because Blank Check made $30,000,000 at the Box Office so this might actually be an investment and I don’t think I’ll even have to subtract any money from my lotto winnings for this one.

Plus I’d look really cool on this cover:

(Really, if you loved Home Alone, you’ll love Blank Check?  Home Alone is an amazing movie.  But Blank Check is the best movie of all-time.  Seriously though, shut the hell up “The Movie Minute.”  Go to the website and it’s pretty obvious that The Movie Minute is just a place for studios like Disney to buy quotes to put on their box covers.)  

How much money do I have left?  Oh, $175,000,000 if you don’t count the profit I turned on Blank Check 2: Real Ass Money.

I’m Gonna Need an Entourage

If Vincent Chase has taught me anything, it’s that when you get rich you get to tell your friends what to do because they’re desperate for a piece of that pie.  Like Vinny, I actually hate driving so I’m gonna need a driver.

I hate cooking, so I’m gonna need a chef.

I don’t know what the hell point of Turtle is (why can’t my chef also drive?) but I guess I’ll need someone around to be a Yes Man, tell me how cool I am, and to basically run all of my errands because there’s one thing that I hate more than anything else.  The absolute bane of my existence.  The thing that will one day be the death of me:

Doing stuff.

Let’s chop out… I don’t know… $10,000,000 for costs of help over the next ten years.  Lets chop out another $20,000,000 on a house.

I’ve got $145,000,000 left still?  Jesus, this IS a lot of money!


At this point you’re probably begging me to make some investments.  After all, this is how most lottery winners end up broke five years after they win right?  Well, they also lose a lot of their money on investments… just really bad investments.

That’s why I’ll invest $45,000,000 into businesses I believe in like Blockbuster, MySpace, and K-Mart.

Only $100,000,000 left!!!! What to do now???

Random/Bucket List

I’d play in the World Series of Poker every year.

I’d shop at Whole Foods.

I’d travel to exotic places like Thailand and Cleveland.

I’d pay for Morgan Freeman to narrate my thoughts for a week.

I’d pay Pauly Shore, Sean Astin, and Brendan Fraser to do a live-action Encino Man in my living room.

I’d also pay Daniel Stern to narrate my thoughts for a week, Wonder Years style, which would cost about %5 of Morgan Freeman narration.

Two words: Trampoline Floors.

Three words: Swedish Fish Ceilings.

I’d have the crew of Mad Men throw me a 60’s-style surprise party and I wouldn’t get mad about it.

Let’s call all of that, and other random entertainment, $10,000,000.

So, $90,000,000 is all I have left?  Geez, what’s the point of even living!  Definitely not baller status anymore :(

Seriously, what a ridiculous amount of money, even after lump sum + taxes.  Makes a person feel guilty for even playing the lottery, and I even donated $75,000,000!!!  I guess I better get a bigger house.

What would you do with the $476 million prize?


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§ 4 Responses to Mega Millions: What Would You Do With $476 Million?

  • beck16 says:

    You’ve failed to mention the amount of interest that starts accruing the instant you deposit that fatass check into the bank!
    …maybe another charity or maybe you need a beach house in Ecuador!

  • I think the house might actually be an estate at $20,000,000. You remember playing the extended version of MASH – MATCHES. I always hoped I landed on the “E” and ended up in the estate instead the measly house. That being said, I’ve watched and read way too many crime stories, which has caused me to look behind every door and in every closet when I get home. If someone’s in there, I want to get it over with and not find out the hard way while I’m sleeping. Therefore, I need small houses so I don’t spend my whole life looking in dark rooms. I will use that $20,000,000 for a giant boat instead.

    • You make a solid point. I have watched almost every episode of every real crime story by now and am also convinced that anything more than a studio apartment could be dangerous. I’ll be 50 acres with a single studio apartment in the middle and plenty of room for my giraffe’s to run. (I will get some giraffes)

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