10 Sex Facts and Statistics, Both Interesting and Informative

April 30, 2012 § 9 Comments

Have you ever wondered how you stack up, sexually?  Are you doing it frequently enough, with enough different partners, getting enough diseases, and packing enough heat?

These are the types of questions that I either wonder about or that will, more importantly, bring more viewers to my site.  Search engine optimization, baby!

Professor Alfred Kinsey founded the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction in 1947 and heavily influenced how Americans view sex and sexuality.  Even through controversy, studies like the ones done at the Kinsey Institute helped break down walls and show that what you were doing behind your bedroom door wasn’t that much different than what your neighbors were doing so don’t feel so bad about it.  In fact, let’s have a key party.

If my hair parted like that, I'd become a sex scientist too.

Today, sex studies are done with greater frequency and answers are able to come with more accuracy (hopefully) based on the fact that we’re less shy about saying what we do and with whom we do it.  For the most part it doesn’t matter if you’re gay/straight, virgin/Kardashian, kinky or straight-edge.

Just be yourself.

But how close is “yourself” to everyone else?  Let’s look.

Men Average 6-8 Sexual Partners in Their Lifetime, Women Average 4

According to a 2005 study by Mosher, Chandra and Jones, people aren’t slutting around nearly as much as I thought they were.  Or are they?  According to a study by Norman Brown, women claim eight partners in their life and men reported… 31.

Brown admitted that the the high number of sexual partners reported by men was probably false, whether intentional or unintentional, based on the fact that men don’t have the same connection with a sex partner as women do.  A woman is more likely to recount all of her sexual experiences, while a man might feel the need to guesstimate based on how much he had to drink those nights.

In the movie “Whats Your Number” with Anna Faris and Chris Evans, Anna’s character is concerned after reading that you’re far less likely to get married if you have more than 20 partners in your life (for women.)  Welp, she slept with Joel McHale and that was number 20 so now she HAS to marry someone that she’s already banged.  (Why does she HAVE to?  Don’t you know that COSMO is science?  Or it might have been because this was a terrible fucking movie, even for an Anna Faris rom-com.)

Is 20 partners “slutty” for a girl, though?  If you’re mostly single until your 30 and you’re sexually active starting at 20, that’s only two partners per year.  It’s not the sluttiest thing that I’ve ever heard of.  An average Paris Hilton will average 20 partners in the time it takes you to read this sentence.

What’s the real average?  It’s hard to know for certain but 8-10 sounds fair for women and 20 sounds fair for men, but now I’m just guessing based on those rules from American Pie 2.

75%-85% of Men are Cumming While Only 29% of Women Show Their O-Face

Thought you did your job well when she trembled in desire?  She probably just desired a better experience and was humoring you.  According to National Health and Social Life Society, not only do less than a third of women reach orgasm, but far fewer actually do so from vaginal intercourse.  Sorry guys.

According to National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB) 85% of men report that their partner came the last time that they had sex.  While only 64% of women say that they actually did.  (So the number is between 30 and 64%?)

My advice is that if you want to make your lady go crazy, start working on those “ABC’s”.

Are You Touching Yourself Enough?  Too Much?

Well, in my opinion, there is no way anyone could masturbate too much!  At least, there isn’t a “too much” if I want to keep thinking that I’m normal.

Here are charts provided by the Kinsey Institute:

Masturbating Alone

AGE 18-19 20-24 25-29 30-39 40-49 50-59 60-69 70+
Men
Past Month 61.1% 62.8% 68.6% 66.4% 60.1% 55.7% 42.3% 27.9%
Past Year 80.6% 82.7% 83.6% 80.1% 76% 72.1% 61.2% 46.4%
Lifetime 86.1 91.8% 94.3% 93.4% 92% 89.2% 90.2% 80.4%
Women
Past Month 26% 43.7% 51.7% 38.6% 38.5% 28.3% 21.5% 11.5%
Past Year 60% 64.3% 71.5% 62.9% 64.9% 54.1% 46.5% 32.8%
Lifetime 66% 76.8% 84.6% 80.3% 78% 77.2% 72% 58.3%

I find it interesting that 94.3% of men age 25-29 admit that they have masturbated in their lifetime, the highest of any age range.  Making ages 25-29 the most honest age range in your lifetime for men and women.

The highest rate of masturbating for women also is between ages 25-29, the only mark in which over 50% of women say that they have rubbed it out in the last month.

What about mutual masturbation?

Masturbating with a Partner

AGE 18-19 20-24 25-29 30-39 40-49 50-59 60-69 70+
Men
Past Month 14.5% 15% 20.5% 22.9% 19.2% 14.4% 10.3% 4.1%
Past Year 42% 43.5% 49.3% 44.7% 38.1% 27.9% 17% 12.9%
Lifetime 49.3% 54.5% 69% 68.3% 61.5% 51.9% 37% 31.6%
Women
Past Month 18.4% 16.1% 24.1% 19.3% 12.7% 6.7% 5.9% 2.1%
Past Year 36% 35.9% 48.2% 43.3% 34.8% 17.7% 13.1% 5.3%
Lifetime 38.8% 46.9% 64% 63.1% 56.1% 46.9% 36.4% 17.5%

It appears that over half of us will share our private time with a partner, so if you haven’t done it yet you better get on it.  Ladies, if you haven’t and you’re concerned about that, my number is 555-2424.

Over Half of Us Will Get an STD

Last night on the show Girls on HBO, the issue of “HPV” was at hand.  (Yes.  I watch Girls and if it wasn’t funny (which it is) I would still watch it because of Brian Williams’ daughter, my new soulmate, Allison Williams:

)

So, HPV… Is it something to be concerned about?  Yes.  HPV can cause cervical cancer and kill you.  But just getting HPV isn’t the end of the world.  Facts from the CDC:

HPV is passed on through genital contact, most often during vaginal and anal sex. HPV may also be passed on during oral sex and genital-to-genital contact. HPV can be passed on between straight and same-sex partners—even when the infected partner has no signs or symptoms.

In most cases, the body fights off HPV naturally and the infected cells then go back to normal. But in cases when the body does not fight off HPV, HPV can cause visible changes in the form of genital warts or cancer. Warts can appear within weeks or months after getting HPV. Cancer often takes years to develop after getting HPV.

HPV (the virus). Approximately 20 million Americans are currently infected with HPV. Another 6 million people become newly infected each year. HPV is so common that at least 50% of sexually active men and women get it at some point in their lives.

Genital warts. About 1% of sexually active adults in the U.S. have genital warts at any one time.

Cervical cancer. Each year, about 12,000 women get cervical cancer in the U.S. Almost all of these cancers are HPV-associated.

That’s over 50 percent of people having HPV but only 1% even getting genital warts.  Many men have HPV and there’s no way to be sure that a guy does or doesn’t have it because there’s no test for men.  The best thing that a woman can do is be safe and if you do get HPV, getting regular screenings for cervical cancer, but having HPV isn’t a big deal.

So don’t feel bad you dirty sluts and perverts.  Also, 25% of us are living with an STD that can’t be cured.  Uh oh.

It’s Estimated That Over Half of All Time on the Internet is Spent on Things Related to Sex

Like this very article that you’re reading right now!  But mostly, I’m guessing, spent on Bangbus and YouPorn.  According to a study by Vincent Yoder, “Internet Pornography and Loneliness: An Association?” most of the time spent online is spent there so that we can fulfill our 90% rate of masturbating.

Sadly, yes, there was also a “significant association” between loneliness and internet pornography, so rather than going to Brazzers after you read this article, let’s be friends?

Think the Sex Will Die Down When You Get Married?  Yeah, It Probably Will

According to a German study, only about half of women still have a high sex drive after four years of being in a committed relationship.  The number continues to go down as the years go up because the initial high sex drive is to solidify bonding with her new man.

The odds on Frequency of Sex for Men and Women:

Percentage of Men Reporting Frequency of Vaginal Sex, N=2396
Age Group
18-24
25-29
30-39
40-49
50-59
60-69
70+
Single
  Not in past year
56.9
46.6
39.6
48.9
67.7
86.4
81.6
  A few times per year to monthly
13.9
21.9
24.2
18.4
14.9
8.6
5.3
 A few times per month to weekly
19.0
27.1
23.1
22.4
11.6
3.7
13.2
 2-3 times per week
8.0
4.1
1.7
8.0
5.3
1.2
0.0
 4 or more times per week
2.2
0.0
5.5
2.3
0.5
0.0
0.0
Partnered
Not in past year
26.0
20.8
15.6
29.9
34.1
27.3
26.3
A few times per year to monthly
8.0
10.4
6.5
9.2
10.6
11.4
10.5
A few times per month to weekly
30.0
36.4
32.5
24.1
31.8
20.5
63.2
2-3 times per week
26.0
27.1
39.0
25.3
18.8
38.6
0.0
4 or more times per week
10.0
6.3
6.5
11.5
4.7
2.3
0.0
Married
Not in past year
4.2
1.6
4.5
9.1
20.6
33.9
54.2
A few times per year to monthly
12.5
9.3
15.6
16.2
25.0
21.2
24.2
A few times per month to weekly
16.7
46.3
47.3
51.0
38.3
35.4
15.0
2-3 times per week
45.8
37.1
26.8
19.9
15.0
9.5
5.8
4 or more times per week
20.8
5.9
5.8
3.7
1.1
0.0
0.8
Percentage of Women Reporting Frequency of Vaginal Sex, N=2393
Age Group
18-24
25-29
30-39
40-49
50-59
60-69
70+
Single
  Not in past year
50.8
43.0
72.3
71.1
85.4
84.5
100.0
  A few times per year to monthly
16.4
21.5
10.7
16.9
5.4
6.5
0.0
 A few times per month to weekly
19.7
24.1
12.5
9.9
7.0
6.5
0.0
 2-3 times per week
8.2
1.3
4.5
2.1
2.2
2.6
0.0
 4 or more times per week
4.9
10.1
0.0
0.0
0.0
0.0
0.0
Partnered
Not in past year
12.9
10.6
14.8
20.6
21.1
14.8
30.8
A few times per year to monthly
16.1
11.7
13.6
13.7
18.3
11.1
15.4
A few times per month to weekly
31.2
36.2
43.2
24.5
36.6
48.1
23.1
2-3 times per week
32.3
28.7
18.2
31.4
18.3
18.5
7.7
4 or more times per week
7.5
12.8
10.2
9.8
5.6
7.4
23.1
Married
Not in past year
11.8
3.5
6.5
8.1
22.0
37.9
53.5
A few times per year to monthly
14.7
11.6
16.3
21.7
23.7
20.0
25.4
A few times per month to weekly
14.7
47.7
50.2
46.6
36.2
35.9
18.3
2-3 times per week
35.3
35.2
21.9
20.8
16.9
6.2
1.4
4 or more times per week
23.5
2.0
5.1
2.7
1.1
0.0
1.4

There isn’t one single woman over 70 that’s having sex?  That’s definitely a demographic that I’m going to have to take advantage of when I turn 30 70.

If You Cum Inside a Woman After She Orgasms, It Increases the Odds of Pregnancy

Well, I don’t have any concerns about that happening to a girl that’s with me!  The orgasmic muscles in the pelvis will help push the spermies closer to the eggies.

So, if you’re married and trying to get pregnant, spend more time on her and less time on yourself when your rubbing your thingies together.  However, if you are having sex with someone that you don’t want to get pregnant, wear a condom or if you’re like me, just keep doin’ what you’re doin’.  According to a study, 0% of women have orgasms with me.

The Average American has Sex Over 100 Times a Year

Man, I really forgot what it was like to be in a relationship.  The most recent study I found said it was 103 times per year on average.  That sounds like a lot, but how far behind am I in having sex 103 times a year since being single?

Well let’s do the math:

Number of times I’ve had sex this year + number of times I’ve kissed a girl divided by number of times I’ve watched Star Wars – number of minutes I’ve spent trying to figure out Game of Thrones X the number of times I’ve eaten a fun size Laffy Taffy = …

It appears that by my calculations I need to have sex 104 more times this year in order to reach the average of 103.  Wait, what?

Small Dick?  Hey, Let’s First Measure the Vagina!

The average vagina is 62.7 mm in circumference with a range of 40-95 mm.  If you’re girl is complaining that it’s like a hot dog down a hallway or a pencil in a volcano, don’t be afraid to measure the hallway and the volcano.

Maybe her hallway is more like a ballroom.  (An even better analogy since you could mention that there’s actually enough room for your balls to go in there too)

“Hey, this is like putting a nuclear warhead inside of a giant ballroom!”

Yeah, that’ll show her.

Okay, What You Really Want to Know About is Dick Size, Amirite?

My independent study has found that every other study has something about dick size.  It seems to be the number one concern for all men and therefore to keep traffic coming to these sites, everyone mentions the dick size.

I mean, the size of my dick has been a concern to me too.  When I was 11, maybe.

The real answer here: If you get a girl to the point where she’s actually touching your dick, you’ve won.  Unless you have micropenis, put it in the back of your mind and if you do have micropenis, most girls are going to be satisfied more by what you do without your dick.  Hell, there’s a lot of girls out there that don’t want to have sex at all (From my experiences with women, I know this to be true!)

And women, I really don’t give a shit how big your boobs are so on the flip side you need to stop trippin’ about that, too.  If a woman actually lets me see her boobs, she’s got me wrapped around her little finger.

But since you asked about dick size: 5-7 inches and almost 5 inches around.  Feel better now?  We know this because of many studies conducted by hundreds of scientists that measured dongs, like this one at the Kinsey Institute.  Dr. Erick Janssen measured over 300 dicks during a five year period and for his sake I hope he’s straight because otherwise he would have been in dick heaven and nobody would have gotten any work done.

Now if you’ll excuse me, Allison Williams has raised the average masturbation rate by 5%.

Are you following me on Twitter?

The Drunk Diaries: Letting Go of Shame In Order to Maintain Sanity

April 26, 2012 § 8 Comments

It occurred to me sometime in the last couple of years that after many drunken nights of regretful actions that I would have to either stop caring so much about the mistakes that I had made OR I had to stop drinking so much.

In other words, I had to stop caring so much about the mistakes that I had made.

“The difference between guilt and shame is very clear – in theory.  We feel guilty for what we do.  We feel shame for what we are.” 

- Lewis B Smedes, Shame and Grace

Alcohol is an interesting life lubricant and shame, regret, and guilt are the filthy residue left over when the beer, liquor and wine are finally excreted from the body.  We naturally get rid of alcohol quickly but there’s always something left over and it’s embedded into a place that’s much harder to get stuff out of:  the mind.

When I have had several drinks, my mind starts to believe that the world has become “ideal.”  The notion is basically that when I am drunk, if I believe it to be true then it will become true.  That the only thing stopping me from accomplishment is effort.  That I won’t know the answer if I don’t ask the question.

My sober mind rarely believes any of these things because the sober mind has one important trait that the inebriated mind does not: Rationality.

Rationally speaking, I usually come up with reasons to believe or even know as a fact that the answer is clear without asking the question and even if I should ask the question, I am certainly not in the right mind to do so.  Nothing that you do when you’re drunk is better because of the fact that you’re doing it when you’re drunk.

Unless you’re an outlaw in the 19th century removing buckshots from your ass after a shooting accident, it’s almost always better to do things while you are sober.  It is almost always a terrible idea to try and do anything while you are drunk.  Why?  Because you are drunk.

You’re decision-making is going to be at it’s lowest point of accuracy.  You’re rationalization is gone.  You’re view of the world is tainted by beer-colored glasses.

And yet you do it anyway.  Why?  Because the character traits that are greatly enhanced while you are drunk are things like courage, ego, and a feeling that you can have the world be exactly as you’ve always wanted it.  And the worst part about it is that you can’t be talked out of believing any of it because you can’t rationalize and make good decisions.

Once you’re drunk, you’re fucked.  The best possible thing that can happen to you in that moment, if you want it to, is to pass out early if you’re lucky enough.  Avoid the guilt and shame altogether, before you make an ass of you and me.

If Lewis B. Smedes is correct, then the actions we make are guilt but the part that really hurts is what those actions say about us.  People often say that “a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts” but I disagree.

My sober thoughts are never: “Bah meh drinky.  You.. you… you don’t even know man… you don’t even know.  Fuck you man, I love you dude.”

Perhaps the real truth in the phrase is that “A drunk man’s actions are a sober man’s wishes.”  (Or woman. I know some of you ladies like to toss more than a few back, too!)

There was once a time when a new girl started at my place of work and she was also completely new in town.  We chatted and she seemed like a really cool chick and we had similar senses of humor so I knew she’d probably be a cool person to hang out with and she also liked to get very drunk.  I did not have any particular feelings for this girl but I offered to show her a few spots around town because she did not know anybody and because I could probably use the company at the time.

I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I wouldn’t have slept with her if the proposition happened to arise, but I really am the type of person that would do something like this without a hidden agenda.

We hung out a few times and in showing her around the city I also got to see a few “touristy” things for the first time.  It was fun.  She was a fun person.  I had no conscious thoughts that this was some girl that I really wanted to date or “be with” and all I knew was that it kind of felt like hanging out with a dude because she could drink and wasn’t offended or anything like that.

Cool chick.

But then apparently one night I called and left a couple of phone messages.  This, I do not remember.  Not a single word of it.  Didn’t even know that it had happened, but I did kind of wake up with a feeling that something was off or that I did do something.

I sent out a feeler text message and lo and behold it took a day for her to respond and she of course said something to the effect of “Oh you’re fine.  You didn’t say anything bad.”

Okay, great.  I didn’t say anything bad.  We’re all good.

But then the most honest thing about her text message was that it took her a day to respond.  That was the real message and that was the real truth; I had creeped her out.  Look, it’s not the first time that I’ve creeped anyone out and it probably won’t be the last but God damn it: Creepiness is in the eye of the beholder.

The most fucked up thing is that to this day, I do not know what I said.  After a month of her avoiding me she finally told me that I left a message that was, and I quote, “Loving and passionate.”

WHAT?  HOW?  WHY?

Those were my reactions but my reaction was also “That’s amazing and hilarious.”  Because to me that was absolutely ridiculous.  I didn’t leave a message that said something like “I wanna fuck you like an animal” (which I would never do) but I left a message that was loving and passionate which both makes perfect sense because of my personality but also made no sense to me because I did not love this girl.

We had only hung out a few times.  I didn’t spend any of my free time thinking about her.  I couldn’t possibly have any of those kinds of feelings for her.  Yet, at the same time, I did call her. I don’t know why I did and I don’t know why I left a message like that and I never will know why but it is interesting and it is also fucking hilarious.

Deep down I did want to date this girl?  Really sub-conscious is that what you’re telling me?  Or was it only because I was on a mini-vacation with friends and I got so blacked out that I could have thought I was calling the T-Mobile Girl and leaving a message for her.

I don’t really know.  But I knew that I felt guilt and shame for it and that now there was this girl that not only thought I was a creep but in my estimation was completely wrong about me.  That kind of shit will weigh on your mind like the tell-tale heart.  Those are the kind of things that make me feel crazy with regret and wanting to have one more chance at avoiding that moment.  That’s why I absolutely had to stop having any shame and face that fact that as a person, I am going to fuck up sometimes.

By telling this story to the world I could be fucking up but embarrassment, shame, guilt, regret… the one thing that all of these things have in common is that they are road blocks to other parts of life like chance.  Or invention.  Or amazement, laughter, wonder, and any number of moments that will forever define the outrageous stories of your life.

It might not always feel comfortable and it might not always feel right but if you’re not hurting anybody else, there’s nothing wrong with taking a chance on something different even if it hurts yourself.  These stories about myself, the times that I completely fucked up, are some of my favorite stories to tell about my life.  We just have to be willing to let go of the shame.

Otherwise, we’ll be trapped and unable to enjoy something that may have been profound.

 

New York City Trip: I’m Leaving on a Jetplane, I’ll be Back Wednesday

April 22, 2012 § Leave a comment

I don’t know if I really have a point of this post, but I just wanted to tell people that I’ve got an all-expense-paid trip to the Big Apple tomorrow.  It’s a short trip, only three days, but I haven’t been to New York since I was very young.

You know when you tell people that you’ve been to certain places when they ask you “Where have you been?” and there are those cities that you name but you know that they don’t really count? Well, at least now New York will count.  I won’t just remember “Hey, this is like where Kevin went in Home Alone 2!”  It’ll be a legit, adult trip to New York.

I will be kept busy all of Tuesday, but Monday night and Wednesday morning are all for me to explore Manhattan.  I’m very excited for this trip and to meet some new friends.  This is definitely a week that makes being a writer feel extra awesome.  It also finally lets me get some use out of my silly iPad.

If you don’t hear from me for a few days, this is the explanation, but maybe I’ll have some New York-themed posts this week.  See you soon.

Focus On Yourself

April 19, 2012 § 20 Comments

I haven’t had much to say about the dating world lately because I haven’t been actively involved in the dating world lately.  I don’t know what exactly set this off, but the slump has extended longer than I would have expected.  I have been on one date in the last two-three months.

Am I concerned about that?  Not really.  I used to put a lot more time and effort into looking for prospective dates and mates and now I just don’t have as much time for that.  I’m working a lot, writing a lot, and in my free time I just want to relax.  First dates are usually anything but relaxing so I’ve had a laissez faire attitude about the whole thing; I care not to interfere with the natural order of things.  If something happens, it happens.

I’ve had very little interaction on OkCupid with anyone.  It’s not the last thing on my mind, but it’s stuck somewhere between the latest product from Doritos and “Did I record Mad Men?”  What exactly am I supposed to do in this situation, anyway?  Should I push through and dedicate a lot of energy to it or should I play along with the idea that “it comes when you’re not looking for it”?

Rather than specifically answer that question, I’ve decided to just focus on myself.  I’m not going to concern myself with anything in the dating world, rather I’m just going to see what I can do to make Kenneth better in the short and long-term.  I think that’s when it truly “Comes when you’re not looking for it.”

I think that it’s another case of when people mistake “fate” for something that’s actually a byproduct of hard work and/or attitude.  And by “hard work” I don’t mean as in finding a partner, I mean hard work in some other area of life whether it’s in work, hobbies, the gym…

And with attitude it’s pretty simple: We’re more attracted to people that don’t really seem to care if we are attracted to them.  If you go around sniffing everyone’s butt, then they’ve already won you over and their work is done.  You can’t pine over a person and let them know that they’ve already got you.  Your attitude has to be that you’re so good and you’re so valuable that they should be the ones proving themselves to you.

That’s where I am saying, “Time to focus on me.”

Actually, I am a pretty selfish and self-absorbed person already, but there’s always room for improvement!  :)

I’m working on some things right now (that I’ll talk about in a couple of weeks) that is in an effort to improve myself.  I’m working on improving my work, improving my appearance (which improves my confidence), and improving who I am as a person.  That is never a bad thing.

The best luck you’ll ever have in this world is the luck you create by making yourself better.  You don’t just want people to look at you and be attracted, the true measure of confidence is when you can look at yourself in the mirror and say “I would totally fuck me.”

When you can fuck yourself, that’s when you know that you’re ready.

Right now, I’m just trying to fuck myself.

15 Qualities That Girls Look For In A Guy: An Examination of a List

April 17, 2012 § 7 Comments

I totally was NOT searching for “What do girls like in a guy?”  I didn’t do that.

I didn’t go to Google.com, the website, and make that exact search.  I did not turn on my computer, go to a web browser, search the World Wide Web, go to the Google.com website, and search that.  I just didn’t do it, okay?  So stop acting like I did!

Actually, I did all of those things.  In all honesty, I just needed a framework with which to write this article.  If you haven’t been able to tell by now, I am not just interested in internal thought and evaluation of a subject but I am more interested in finding out what others have to say about a subject and I am a tireless researcher.

Not me. This guy probably owns a guitar.

I was not that tireless this time.  I just made the search, clicked a couple of links, and found this article on lovepanky.com.  It’s a list of 15 qualities that girls like in guys.  It’s not a study, unfortunately, it’s an opinion, but it’s something to work with.  You don’t necessarily have to click that link because I am going to give you the framework right now.

Here is the list and here is my commentary:

1. Confidence

The constant #1 answer: Girls like confidence.  What exactly does that mean?  What is the difference between being confident and being cocky?  It’s like the age old question that only confident men can answer and is only sought by men without confidence.

If you’re not confident and you seek confidence, you’ll come off as cocky if you try to fake it.  You can’t just “Get confidence” you have to “Be confident.”  Just be confident.  Okay?  What, none of that advice helps?  Why?  Because it’s ambiguous as fuck?

Welcome to the constant conversation of “What is confidence” that timid men have with women that don’t want to sleep with them.

The dictionary definition of confidence:

  1. con·fi·dence/ˈkänfidəns/

    Noun:
    1. The feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust: “we had every confidence in the staff”.
    2. The state of feeling certain about the truth of something

Lots of important words in there: rely, trust, certain, truth, something, the.

A man with confidence feels a certain truth about his value to the world or in a given situation.  It’s the car salesman technique of saying “You want to buy this car.  This is the only car for you.  You need to buy this car.”  With the utmost confidence you tell a person that they can’t be without this car.

Now, that person might disagree, but one thing is for certain: It works a lot better than “You might want this car.  This is a car that might not be perfect but it will get you from A to B.  If you don’t buy this car though, other cars will come along.  I won’t be offended if you don’t buy this car.  This car will actually end up just being your friend.”

How you deliver the “pitch” is just as important as what you say, but we know that if you don’t believe in the product yourself, why should anyone else?  And that’s why you can’t just get confidence or fake confidence because you have to have a genuine belief in yourself so that other people believe that all of your other qualities are real.

Confidence is the foundation of your entire personality.

2. Sense of Humor

I actually don’t know much about this.  To the Google!

Webster’s describes “Sense of Humour” as:

“The trait of appreciating (and being able to express) the humorous; “she didn’t appreciate my humor”; “you can’t survive in the army without a sense of humor.”

So apparently, it has something to do with the military.  Women do seem to like a man in uniform and I guess I can understand what women would like a guy with a sense of humor, because they like army men.  But there aren’t that many army men, surely there has to be other definitions.

Wikipedia describes Humour as:

Humour or humor (see spelling differences) is the tendency of particular cognitive experiences to provoke laughter and provide amusement. “

Hmmm… Laugh-ter.  Ha-Ha?  Yes, Ha-Ha.  I think that perhaps my cognitive senses tell me that women like it when a man can make her also give an audible Ha-Ha.  Something that provides reason to “smile” or go “teehee” or “hehe.”

Perhaps a “joke” or an amusing anecdote.  I don’t know any jokes but I think I could probably borrow some from Abbott & Costello or perhaps The Smothers Brothers.

3. Intelligence

i dont thenk dis 1 impotent.  gotta be smart, go 2 class n shit.  lol.  i dont neva care if a girl hella smart tho, jus wanna see dem titties lmao.  4 real tho i am smart.  i needz a girl that can keep up, knows hiztory n shit. dont want some1 dat dont know simple grammer.

4. Support

None of the items on the list from “love panky” has any details that go behind it, but I’m sort of assuming that “support” just stands for an all-around “be there for me, don’t let me fall.”  You don’t have to be needy or dependent in order to want support, and sometimes people don’t realize that they need support, but we all like validation.

When you’re a kid it might be a drawing that your mom puts up on the fridge or someone to see you graduate from high school or college, but it’s when you achieve independence that you might need support the most.

When I do a drawing at work, especially when I am able to stay inside of the lines, it would be nice to know that my lady is going to put it up on the fridge.  When I eat all of my vegetables, it would be nice to have my lady say “Good Boy!”

In terms of being a guy though and providing support to MY lady, I know that she might need someone who is going to agree that Janice is a real bitch and say things like “Fat?  Honey, that dress makes me worried that you took ‘Hunger Games’ too literally.”

5. Sensitivity

It’s funny, I was just talking about what it means to be “sensitive” with the people I care for at the old folks home.  It was “Kitty and Puppy Day” and as I was playing pinochle with Gladys, I mentioned that I’d like to be a more sensitive guy.  We had a good cry session together, lasting about an hour as I wiped the tears from her wrinkled face, and I came to the conclusion that I could be more sensitive.

As I bicycled home (to save the environment) listening to Yanni on my iPod, I noticed a schoolbus full of children had just crashed into a rescued animals shelter.  I went over and carried the children out of the burning wreckage and then went back in to get the bunnies, puppies, ferrets, and hamsters as the flames burned my favorite sweater but as I nestled the final kitty in my tattered clothing (I named her Tinkerbell) I realized that I was kind of a sensitive guy, after all.

Also:

6. Self-Worth

If confidence is the foundation of your personality, if it’s the car salesman’s pitch, then self-worth is the car.  Self-worth is related to confidence in many ways, but it’s more tangible in what you’re selling.  When you’re selling the car and say “You need this car” then the person is going to inevitably ask “Why?”

“Why you, though?”

Self-worth is the engine, the body, the mileage, etc.  What are you doing with your life?  What makes you a “catch”?  What do you have that nobody else has?

Having confidence is great, but having false confidence is kind of what creates Jersey Shore douchebags.  You can’t just have sizzle, you have to have the steak.

7. Focused Goals

Related to Self-worth, having Goals in life is a major factor in attraction because it shows that you are always trying to improve and if a person is going to see themselves with you for the long term, then they want to know that you expect things to only get better.

You want to start your business?  You want to climb Mount Everest?  You want to set the world record for pounds of shrimp eaten in a single sitting?  Even Adam on Man v Food is going to be attractive to a number of women based on the fact that he has goals, even if they are disgusting food contest goals.

If you are 30 and living at home, that might not be a good sign but if you are 30 and living at home and you have a defined set of goals that will get you out of your mom’s house within six months, that’s better.

Having Goals also makes you come off as more confident, because if you truly believe in yourself and accomplishing goals, then you’ve clearly got some swagger.

I was treading water for most of my life, not knowing what I wanted to do with my life or really caring until I finally took a full dive into writing.  When I made that leap I realized that I didn’t make this decision to get girls, but when I made the decision and fully immersed myself into writing, I didn’t really care about “getting the girls” anymore.  It just became about the work and my passion for the work.

Quoting myself from about six months ago: “I have sex with words and make sentence babies, and that’s pretty cool.”

8. Great Imagination

I really wish this was the number one quality that girls looked for in a guy.  I’m now going to imagine a world in which it was.

Ahh.. that’s nice.

9. Independent Streak

I really don’t know what to make of this one but I can tell you this: I won’t be asking for help on trying to figure it out!

10. Passionate and Desirous

This can be related to either your Goals in life or just making the sex.

If a person isn’t passionate about anything, then do they care about nothing?  Most people won’t go out of their way to say that they want a person with money or a person that’s famous or a person that’s got a lot of power but most people agree that the qualities that they look for in a person are many qualities that are possessed by people with: Money, Fame, and Power.

A person that is intelligent, independent, has goals, and is passionate about his/her goals, will usually be successful.  Successful in life as well as love because they are the same qualities that get you the job of your dreams and the girl of your dreams.

More like succ-sex, amirite?

You’ve got to admire the rich and famous people that are still with the person that loved them before they were famous, and admire that person for seeing their potential and passion and supporting them throughout.

11. Bravery and Courage

I’ll fight anyone that doesn’t think this is an important quality in a guy.

12. Compassion

But I’ll forgive you for it and understand that maybe you weren’t raised that way.

13. Decisiveness

Or maybe I won’t.  I don’t know.  No, I will.  Unless you call me a jerk and then I won’t say that I’m sorry.  But if you give me candy and ice cream, I’ll be like “Yeah, you’re alright in my book.”  I think.

14. Dignity and Self-Respect

I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.  What a stupid article this is.

15. Sense of Integrity

I’m just going to steal somebody else’s answers.

What qualities do you look for in a guy?  What is your top 5?  What do you look like naked?

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Movie Monday: The Cabin in the Woods Review, It’s a Real “Game-Changer”

April 16, 2012 § Leave a comment

“Game-Changer” was the word of the day on Saturday.

That’s what my friend said he had heard in reference to the movie The Cabin in the Woods.  “It’s supposed to be a game-changer!”  That’s when the word game-changer really flipped the script on our day and everything we thought we had known about adjectives was changed.  Our game’s had been changed.

But what about the movie?  Was it really a game-changer for the movie industry and specifically for the horror genre?  Did Joss Whedon (the name that was heavily attached to the project and promotion even though the film was directed by first-timer-in-the-chair Drew Goddard) just change everything we know and expect about horror movies?

Boy, the game will never be the same!

Or it might.  These things go in cycles.  The horror genre is changed like every five years: Halloween was a game-changer by popularizing the slasher genre.  Scream was a game-changer.  Saw was a game-changer.  The Ring was a game-changer.  And now, The Cabin in the Woods is the latest film to put a new direction on the horror genre.

Cabin set out, like Scream, to put a mirror on the genre and say “This is what you are.  This is what you do.  Now, this is what we think about it and we’re going to use every cliche to our benefit and call you out for it.”

The movie doesn’t over-explain how any of what they are doing is possible, letting the viewer decide for themselves whether or not they want to fill the (many) plot-holes of Cabin but did Whedon and Goddard under-explain?  You know, by leaving so many questions for the viewer?  It would be nice to think that the movie didn’t sort of use a cop-out by the end of it, but when you release yourself from worrying about it you’ll find that you just had the most fun at a movie that you’ll have all year.

Any horror fan should recognize how great The Cabin in the Woods really is and just enjoy that you’ve got a very talented group of people making a $30,000,000 horror movie (a lot for the genre) just gave an homage to a genre that I hold very near and dear to my heart.  There are a lot of crappy horror movies but Cabin shows that when great people decide to dip into the genre, they can create something that gives you positive emotions for 90 minutes.

Isn’t that the whole idea of going to the movies anyway?  To feel something?  To escape?  I laughed, I jumped, I rooted for the characters, I gained more appreciation for Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford, I saw the genre take a new direction for the foreseeable future (Welcome back to a sci-fi/horror mix of copycats!) and the game has been changed.

I can already see that I’ll probably watch The Cabin in the Woods 20+ times in my life, depending on how much longer I actually live.  It’s going to spend some time in my PS3 when it hits blu-ray, that’s for sure.

The game-changer gets a perfect score: 10/10.

Also saw:

  • 21 Jump Street.  Really great.  9/10.  Surprised at just how funny it was and I’m not even the biggest Jonah Hill fan these days.  I actually like Channing Tatum more than Jonah Hill.  He’s just so…. dreamy.
  • Re-watched: Ducktales The Movie.  Because I spit hot fire.
  • Re-watched: Scrooged.  An underrated Bill Murray movie?
  • Re-watched: 50/50.  I liked it better the second time around, but I still don’t think it’s all that great.

 

 

Reasons Why I Am Single

April 12, 2012 § 13 Comments

Reflection and self-evaluation are always key when trying to understand why you are in the situation that you are in.  It doesn’t matter the context, whether it be why you have a certain job, a certain hobby, or a certain partner, it only matters that you should probably understand WHY you are in that situation.  If you know the WHY then that is when you can start making adjustments to set yourself back in the direction that you want to be headed in.

My current job is “IT Guy that moonlights as a writer” and I know WHY I am in that situation and so I know what I can do to switch the words “IT Guy” and “Writer.”

My current hobbies include sports, movies, television, and drinking and I have no desire to change any of that.

My current relationship status is single and my current partner is Netflix.  WHY is that?  WHAT could I do to adjust that?  I’ve detailed a few reasons as to things that I have done recently that could explain just what has kept me on the market.  Here are a few:

I ate a Kid Cuisine for dinner -

It seemed like a fun idea at the time.  I guess what makes it even worse is that the Kid Cuisine was located in the “50% discounted food” section of Von’s (Safeway) so who knows what was really wrong with that microwavable hot dog meal.  But it had a penguin on the box!  A PENGUIN!  And one of the side items was “gummy bears.”  Who really WOULDN’T jump at that opportunity?

I ate Sweet Corn Mash from El Pollo Loco with the lid in my car -

I’m not proud, okay?  I really wanted to eat the sweet corn mash and I wouldn’t be home for another FIVE MINUTES so I used the lid of the sweet corn mash to scoop some into my stupid mouth.  It was GOOD.

I fall asleep to old episodes of real crime stories on Netflix -

Actually right now I fall asleep to episodes of “Disorderly Conduct: Video On Patrol” and it’s amazing.  Seriously the best cop videos I have ever seen.  It was on Spike in 2006 and I don’t know if it was cancelled or if they just used up all of the best videos from 1990-2006 in their 26-episode run, which would not surprise me.  Almost all of the videos should be viral.

I have several old shampoo bottles in my shower -

I’m doing myself a favor and just saying “several” when the truth is that there are probably ten.  I don’t know, okay?  Who keeps a giant trash bin next to their shower?  I keep a small trash bin and now I’ve over-exerted myself to the point where the 10 shampoo bottles wouldn’t fit in there.  I’ll throw them out tonight, okay?

I’ll do laundry the day after I run out of clean clothes -

Fuck!

I buy new clothes once a year, at best -

Is this really a big deal?  I hate fucking shopping.  Every once in awhile I’ll stop at ROSS and pick up a few items.  For some reason I have no problem going to the grocery store every single fucking day, but I can’t stand buying clothes.  Well, I love having new clothes but the act of picking them out really bugs the shit out of me.  If I won the lottery, getting a “Personal Shopper” would come before paying off my bills.

There are several sports days a year in which I am unreachable -

So fucking what?

Lunchables is a meal to me -

In relation to the Kid Cuisine story, I eat Lunchables on the regular.  I don’t eat KC’s on the regular, but I will have a Lunchable at least once a week.  I remember when I was a kid, this would have been what I called “the dream life.”  I’m just living the dream, motherfucker.

“I know this Snickers bar is in my bed somewhere.” -

Yeah, I said that recently.  There are at least seven problems in my life associated with that one statement.  I think I could have probably just used that one statement rather than the previous eight and it would have summed up the entire reason as to why I am single.

But you know what?  That shit is funny to me.  I am not necessarily embarrassed by it because if I saw it on a TV show or movie, it would make me laugh.  I would laugh AT that person and instead I am just laughing at myself.  Go ahead and laugh at me too, because that would also be funny to me.  I’m tired of really giving a shit about whether or not people laugh at me.  As Danny Glover would say, “I am indeed quite advanced in age for this shit.”

So, there are nine reasons as to why I am currently single.  Why nine?  Because I really don’t give a crap if I made it a round number, I just listed some things that seemed interesting to me.  I guess number 10 would be “I don’t really care for round numbers.”

Will I change?  Other than throwing out the shampoo bottles and keeping Almond Snickers bars out of my bed, I am perfectly happy with myself right now.  I never said that it really bothered me that I was single or that I would be changing myself so that I could get into a relationship, I just wanted to show you some reasons as to WHY.

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Fat Tuesday: I’m Fat and I Can’t Stop F^!*ing Eating!

April 10, 2012 § 4 Comments

One of this blogs many personalities is as a dieting/health blog, a recounting of how I lost 150 pounds.  Maybe by continuing to talk about it, I’ll stop shoving sugar and grease into my fat fucking face.

My story of weight gain and weight loss has been well-documented on this blog.  The much shorter story is this: I weighed a lot, then I weighed less, then I weighed more, then I weighed less, and then at one point after moving to Los Angeles I weight 210 lbs, which was 150 lbs less than I weighed when I graduated from college.

That’s basically it.

That 210 pounds was a year ago and while I’ve been able to keep myself in check along the way, I’ve still put on 20 pounds in the last year.  Luckily, 20 pounds is a bitch ass number that I can whip into shape quickly, because I dominated 150 pounds so 20 looks like Matthew Lawrence compared to Joey Lawrence.  Yeah, Matthew Lawrence is significant, but he’ll never be the guy that said “Woah” or the guy that said anything, really.

In picture form, my struggle with fatness is as such:

I’m 6, rockin’ my Alf shirt:

Then I’m 17, fat expanded

Then I’m graduating college, dealing with the Yo-Yo effect

Then last year, I hit my lowest weight ever.  (Remember that I am 6’6″)

I’m doin’ a “Fuck yeah” eye wink in that picture.  Never felt so amazing and I had hit my “swagger point,” which is a term I made up and am now rolling with.

Swagger Point (Swaa-gurrrr Poy-nt):

1. The point during weight loss in which you feel really amazing about yourself and you say to being fit: “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.”

2. A “makeout point” for urban youth.

Dealing with the first definition of Swagger Point, I firmly hit that when I went under 215 for the first time.  My jaw was tight, my jeans were practically skinny, and shirts that once looked like baby clothes on me were genuinely loose.  How could anyone possibly want to ever give that up?

Well, certain laziness and JUSTIFICATION OF BAD EATING (one of the keys to gaining weight back) has caught up to me and I’m on the wrong side of the hill and falling fast.

I went to the gym 3 times last week, which is good, but 4-5 times is better.  I had a few days last week where I ate healthy, and then on Saturday me and some friends had a party of sorts that made us all very hungry and I ate mini-corn-dogs-a-plenty.

Time to stop the cycle so that I can get back to my swagger point.  Writing this today is going to help me maintain that.  I need to continue to be a square… and I need to find that Alf t-shirt.  Might fit me again one day.

 

Movie Monday: Little Monsters on Netflix Instant

April 9, 2012 § 2 Comments

There’s a serious lack of movies this week.

I said that this blog would get some structure, based on the fact that I watch movies all the time so of course I’ll always be able to talk about movies once a week.  Oops!  I only watched a couple of movies this week and they’re either old, or nothing you’d want to share.

Still, we continue with a movie that’s now streaming on Netflix and somewhere is also streaming in the recesses of my mind that existed when I was eight.

Streaming on Netflix: Little Monsters (1989)

Do you think that when Fred Savage was born, he immediately commented to his mother on the state of “being a kid”?  It seems as though Savage was the original Benjamin Button, having been born as an incredibly intelligent, and well-averse-to-society man about town and then getting older and directing sophomoric episodes of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Both versions are good with me, either way.

This was no different in Little Monsters, when Savage plays a young adult (10-year-old in Savage years) that moves to a new neighborhood with his family.  His father is played by Daniel Stern, the same man that narrates his thoughts in The Wonder Years.  Which begs to question the viewers sanity as to “Who exactly is Daniel Stern in relation to Fred Savage?  Is he his father?  His older self?  Is Daniel Stern just a figment of Fred Savage’s imagination and did Savage get any of that Home Alone money?”

In this case, he is merely his father.  His low-tolerance, take-no-shit-from-any-of-my-kids, you’re-the-reason-we’re-getting-a-divorce father.  And playing Fred Savage’s brother, and further confusing the dynamic of this relationship, is Ben Savage… Fred Savage’s actual brother.  And now his Little Monsters brother, too.

Which further asks to beg the question, “Could Ben Savage hear Daniel Stern’s voice in his during episodes of Boy Meets World, but only the audience couldn’t hear it?”

Playing Savage’s mother is Margaret Whitton, who I can’t find any direct relationship to Savage outside of Little Monsters, but she did play opposite Michael J. Fox in The Secret of My Success.  Fox and Savage basically live in the same corner of my brain, so I think that complete’s the cycle of “How Little Monsters Blew My Mind, by Kenneth Arthur.”

Oh, the movie?  Yeah, it was a lot better when I was 7.  If you’ll remember from an earlier article, “It’s amazing how stupid we are when we’re kids.”

Rounding out the incredible cast is none other than Bobby’s World’s own Howie Mandel.  Yeah, that’s right, you know him best from Bobby’s World.  Because you are me.  From now on, we share a single though, okay?  How does that sound?  Sounds good, don’t it, because your thoughts are now mine.

Play with it.

The most interesting part about watching Little Monsters as a kid compared to be a more grown-up kid, is how disturbing much of the imagery is.  If I worked for the Christians something something Coalition, then I would definitely move to have Little Monsters bumped to an R rating.

For example:

This

or this

or the back of this dude’s head

Or “Ugh” Savage face…

Other people that live in the same space in my brain that also worked on Little Monsters include: Art from The Burbs, Buzz from Home Alone, and Frank Whaley from Career Opportunities.

Little Monsters creeped me out as a kid, but it creeps me out even more as an adult.  As an adult that knows that if Daniel Stern can be in Little Monsters, The Wonder Years, and Home Alone.  And if Fred Savage can be in The Wonder Years and Little Monsters. And if Buzz from Home Alone can also be in Little Monsters… than what of this life?  Are you saying that Home Alone is NOT a documentary?

If that be true, then Kenneth does not want to keep on going.

 

 

Love Is a Science, But Not An Absence of Faith, part 2

April 5, 2012 § 3 Comments

Hi God, are You there?  It’s me, Satan- I mean Kenneth.  I am definitely NOT Satan in disguise as a blogger.  Think what you want, fine, but I am NOT Satan.  Would Satan-I mean Kenneth- lie?

As you can probably tell, I am not a man of God or religion.  I don’t have a problem with people that do believe or have faith in the existence of an afterlife, it’s just that I lacked the ability to believe in something that I couldn’t see.  In something that we couldn’t prove.  It’s not that I don’t want to believe, either.  Who wouldn’t want to know that this isn’t it?  That life’s not the only time when you exist?  Sounds like a good deal to me, to know that after we die we don’t just stop existing in spirit- but I just can’t believe it.

“Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe” – Voltaire

Just because I couldn’t have faith in da Lordy Lordy Lord, doesn’t mean I can’t have faith in other things, even when the subject is “beyond the power of reason.”

As I discussed in part one, the feeling and emotions of love are basically controlled by hormones and chemicals in your body.  It might be a smell or a sense of another person that attracts you to them, or it might be something entirely else like that they remind you of somebody or that they said all the right things.

Even beyond chemistry (the laboratory kind, not the Ryan Gosling-Emma Stone kind) and biology, love and attraction are also controlled by other sciences such as psychology.  Psychology and how your brain functions in society, is a major part of why you lust, love, or like like.  Mommy/Daddy issues?  Lost your virginity when you were 12 and still chasing after that feeling again?  You just can’t love anyone that doesn’t tie you up because whips and chain excite you and/or sticks even if sticks and stones may break your bones?

The entire idea behind relationships, love, and attraction can all be boiled down to a science and there’s a reason that thousands of studies have been done on the subject: We know that love exists somewhere but we don’t know where.  Or at least, we believe that it does.  If scientists could find “The Love Particle,” then a Love Potion no. 9 would be out there on the black market or supermarket because it would sell like Shamrock Shakes, even if it went against the moral code.

Humans search endlessly for existence of God, but God will not reveal himself to us in anything other than a potato chip.

And what of Love?  One of the top Google suggestions for “Definition of” is “Definition of Love.”  I would say that it is the TOP suggestion, but then I’d be assuming that it wasn’t just because Google knows how lonely I am.  Here’s the thing about the definition of love: Fuck that, you can’t define it.  You can define almost everything in this world, but when someone says “I love-” whatever, it’s an opinion.  They’re making an opinion (which is not a fact) about something and therefore the entire word is sort of empty and without definition.

I love you, Wendy Peffercorn.

I love you, Alf.

I love you, Starbust Jelly Beans.

Would marry, if could.

That doesn’t mean that love does not exist, it just means that it is something that you feel and then you make your best determination as to whether or not your feelings are love or if they are just caused by the suicide hot wings you just ate.  Is love unconditional?  How many people have said “I love you” and how many of those were said to people they aren’t with anymore?  At which point did you manage to find conditions on the unconditional?

That sounds really cynical but that’s not the intent.  It’s just that it doesn’t path the math test:

X = Unconditional

Y = Forever

Z = Love

If X+Y=Z then why did Stacy just come and take all of her records back and change her phone number?

The love of a mother to a child, now that almost always passes the math test of unconditional love (not always, making it an imperfect math) but it’s pretty damn close.  If 50% of marriages end in divorce and 66% of second marriages find the same fate, then it almost seems to suggest that Love does exist somewhere on the same plane as the idea of God; That science has better explanations for your “irreconcilable differences” than anything else.

Imagine standing there on your wedding day and looking deep into your partners eyes.  (Or if you have already been married… you know… just remember…)  In that moment, you can’t imagine loving someone more than you do right now.  You picture the future…

You’re growing old together.  You’re going to be in your house one day, cooking together in the kitchen, Jimmy is back home from college for Spring Break, it’s a perfect day.  Jimmy tells you that he’s in love and that it’s with his roommate Robert, but you’re cool with it because you’re super hip parents and you say “We already know.”  Years later, you’re holding each others hands in bed and you know that this is it.  You look at her and tell her that it was you that left the gate open when Zippy ran away.  She tells you that Jimmy is actually the son of Jose the gardener.  You say “I already know.”  Neither of you wake up the next day, having slipped away in the night, but you’ve managed to stay through it all together.  All because of love….

And then there’s the other path, where four years later you file for divorce because he constantly takes three weeks to get anything done around the house and she is constantly nagging him about it.  The neighbors have called the police twice in the last month because they can’t take the arguing anymore.  She threw a lamp at your head and you put her favorite dress in the toilet and screamed that you’re sleeping with your assistant.

Both of these paths, whether they be good or bad, started in that same moment when you said “I Do” to somebody that you said you’d spend the rest of your life with and unless you’re a Kardashian you meant it with all of your heart.  You said and meant it all because of one word: Faith.

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When you tell a person that you love them and when you confess that you are in love with them, you’re saying it because you believe that’s what your feelings are telling you; the fact that you can’t get them out of your head, that you may love them more than you love yourself, that you would die for them.  These are feelings that you know are true and so it is true: I Love You.

I want to take credit for this but I am borrowing it cause it's funny.

And if the day comes that you are no longer together you have to say this: “I love you but I am no longer in love with you.”  That you love them “as a person” but the thought of seeing them every day for the rest of your life literally brings out a gag reflex like the smell of a Port-A-Potty at a Faith No More concert.

“So what was all of this then?  All lies?!” the scorned ex-lover exclaims.

Was it?

A couple of years ago I was at a party and this guy was there, a guy that I had never met before.  However, we shared a common bond that we didn’t have to even speak of to know what the bond was, sort of like seeing someone driving the same year/make/model/color of car as you.  We gave each other the metaphorical “honk and wave” based on this bond: the gift of height.

Of course, other people at the party also want to chime in on the height and determine who is taller.  “Well, I am 6’5″” I say.

“No sir, you must be mistaken!” he retorts, “for I am 6’6″ and you sir, are taller than I!”  (In my memories, this was a medieval-themed party, although sadly I know it wasn’t really.)

This made no sense.  How could I be taller than him (which I clearly was physically) but not be as tall as him, as he claimed?  There was only one way to find out; to the measuring tape!  After we determined who had the bigger penis, as men always do, we finally got around to measuring our heights.  What happened next would blow my mind forever.

Can you imagine going around for over ten years telling people something that you believed to be a truth, something inherent to you, something that defines who you are, and then finding out that you were actually wrong?  For the majority of my adulthood when people asked me how tall I was (and I get the question an average of once a week, if not more) I told them the truth: I am 6’5″.

We pulled out the measuring tape that day, something that I would have never had any need to do since being in high school, and we found out the facts: I was actually 6’6″ and he was actually 6’5″.  “What the fuck?” doesn’t really do that moment justice… for either of us.  We both found out that we were spreading lies for most of our lives, even though we always believed to be telling the truth.  I had never lied about my height, I was just wrong about it.  I had misinterpreted the data, fucked up the numbers, didn’t check out my facts….

What does that mean?

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My last relationship was two years long.  We fell into each other in weird places in our lives and immediately found ourselves intertwined, not going a day without being together, not going an hour without talking to each other.  It was like puppy love for adults, I guess you could say, and it was entirely emotional and far from rational.

Yet, for two years we always told each other that we loved one another, and it was never a lie.  It was never something that I said just because I thought it was what she wanted to hear or because I thought it would make her sleep with me.  She was having sex with me way before I ever told her I loved her!  It was something that we said because we meant it.

Loving chicks? That's so gay, man!

When I missed her, I was sad.  When we argued (which was often) I was mad.  When we were together, I was glad.  These were all emotions that I can base on more fact than I can with the “emotion” of love, but when I add them up I had my answer: I love you.

Fast forward to today.  To a time when we’ve gone way past the last time that I was “in love” with her.  To a time when the pain of breaking up was gone.  To a time when I can’t even remember what it felt like to have any feelings for her at all.  Now I can look at the relationship rationally: She annoyed me and I probably annoyed the shit out of her too.  We had some stuff in common, but not a lot.  Our values were different.  Our opinions were different.  I could never see us being real friends in another universe where we never hooked up.

Now add all of that up: How could I possibly LOVE or be IN LOVE with her?  Rationally speaking, how the hell does that make sense?  In all honesty, it doesn’t.  I can’t actually sit here and tell you that my brain would ever agree that I loved her and if it did and the love was returned, then I suppose there’s a strong possibility that we would still be together.

That’s not meant to dismiss the words that we spoke to each other, because as I said before, I meant it every time, it just puts it in a box and that box is labeled as such: Shit That Your Hormones Make You Feel.

Just like with my height, I was never telling a lie, but I think I was just wrong.  So, where does that leave us with love and faith?

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Something that I never understood about the God versus Science debate is why there has to be a debate at all.  Why do the two have to be mutually exclusive?  Why couldn’t it just be that God created Science?

Science and Evolution are things that can be proven.  The Bible is not.  The Bible is something that you have to believe in beyond reason.  That’s faith.  But it doesn’t meant that The Bible, or certain parts at least, aren’t real.  It just means that we can’t prove the important bits, like we can with science.

I know that Love exists because I have witnessed it and I believe that I have felt it but somewhere in there, Love still exists on a similar plane to God; you have to believe in it and you have to believe that just because your body is, in a way, forcing you to have feelings for somebody it doesn’t mean that it’s not right.  It doesn’t mean that they aren’t the person you are meant to be with.

Why do the two have to be mutually exclusive?

Why can’t your body be telling you, with Oxytocin and Seratonin and all of the other scientific particles that create emotions like lust and attraction, that this is the person you are meant to be with?

Why does it have to be that just because I can sit here and tell you that it is rationally unfeasible that I could have loved my ex-girlfriend, that irrationally I loved her to death for the time that we were together?  Maybe I just have faith that my brain is a stupid-dumb-idiot-head and my heart was in the know.

If you’ve been divorced twice before and you’re thinking of getting married for a third time but are concerned by the statistic that three in four third marriages end in divorce, should you be thinking with your head or following your heart?  Rationally speaking there is only one answer:

When it comes to Love, you absolutely have to have Faith.

Where Am I?

You are currently viewing the archives for April, 2012 at KENNETH AUTHOR.

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