How Many People Are Really Having Casual Sex On OkCupid? The Answer May Surprise You.

May 14, 2012 § 13 Comments

I come home, in the morning light

My mother says “When you gonna live your life right?”

Oh mother dear, we’re not the fortunate ones

And girls, they want to have fu-un.

Oh girls just want to have fun.

Is it true what Cyndi Lauper said?  Do girls feel oppressed and unable to simply have fun as the boys get to do?  Does the pressure put on them by society prevent women from letting loose and having a good time?  From simply having fun?

I have a sister and there’s a definite difference in the way boys and girls are treated growing up.  I never got into much trouble with my mother, though I may have not been quite the “Hellraiser” that my sister was but was she really that much of a Hellraiser or was it the perception of what boys and girls ought to do as teenagers that changes the perception?

I just don’t think my mother worried about me as much.  Not in a bad way, of course she worried, but it’s girls that “get taken advantage of” and not boys.  I can recall one night in high school going over to a friends house and watching movies and falling asleep, only to wake up the next morning worried because I never told my mom that I was staying out all night.  I was supposed to come home.  But I called and she just casually said “okay!” and everything was fine.

It probably had something to do with the fact that I was always 100% honest with my mom, whether I had done good or done bad, and therefore she knew that I had really just fallen asleep.  My sister probably wasn’t quite as honest and therefore was harder for my mom to trust, but did she feel that she had to lie because society simply wouldn’t let her “have fun”?

The old adage goes “Girls have casual sex and they are sluts, while men do the same and they are studs.”

The behavior between the sexes is the same but it’s men that are supposed to sleep around and women that can’t do it without having a negative label attached to them.  Usually, people just don’t want to be associated with negativity and so they either adhere to what “society” tells them that they should do or they lie about it.  I think mostly you are going to do what you want to do and it’s much easier to just tell a fib rather than oppress yourself for years.

I have also met girls that have just told me straight up about themselves: “I am a slut.” and that’s their solution to what society tells them about casual sex.  To just say, “Fuck you, society!”  Hey, doesn’t sound like a bad solution to me.  Who has the right to judge you?

You don’t have to peruse through many female profiles to see something like “Don’t just message me for sex!” written somewhere, and I think it’s common knowledge that every girl on a dating site gets those kinds of messages often, but is it a misconception that all girls hate it?  I would have thought that a large majority of girls on dating sites are simply uninterested and would never be there just to “hook up” but I also know second-hand that there is that section of women online that do care for casual sex.

Or even better, maybe you’re looking for both fun and love.  If a guy can have casual sex but also be looking for his lady love, can’t a girl do the same while she’s looking for Mr. Right?

I have a friend that doesn’t want to date anybody.  He isn’t looking for a girlfriend and he isn’t even looking to buy you a drink.  He hates dates and he hates relationships, but he has no problem with sex.  And he uses OkCupid often to find sex.  According to his testimony, one in three girls that he messages asking for sex will come back with a positive response.

Yes, thirty-three percent.

Now, that’s a guesstimate by him and though I have never known him to lie about such things, it’s reasonable to believe he’s over-selling it a bit.  But by how much and at what point does it matter?  Even if it was 1 in 10 that would be surprisingly higher than I had ever imagined.

Of course, there’s an art to knowing your audience.  There are going to be girls that clearly aren’t looking for that and there are going to be girls that clearly are.  Girls that list “Casual Sex” on what they are looking for.  But then there’s the majority of profiles; the ones that don’t say one way or another whether they are interested in just hooking up if the mood is right.

And why don’t all girls that are interested in casual sex list that they are interested in casual sex?

1. Because if you list it, you’ll probably be bombarded with nothing but those kinds of messages and probably unable to find Mr. Right if you wanted to.  (I can only imagine what the message box looks like for a girl with a provocative profile.)

2. Society.

What if someone you know happens upon your OkCupid profile?  Or even if you are just worried about what strangers will think about you if they see that you are okay with just sex?  Would any guys be interested in dating you seriously if they knew that you also like to have sex with strange partners?

Though I don’t pretend to be a perfect gentleman when I am drunk, I have never sent a sexually-fueled message on OkCupid when I am sober.  If anything, I would just be too embarrassed for myself because I still have a bit of shame.  Even if it’s only a stranger, I get this weird feeling in my stomach and my brain if I even think about sending a message like that.  Sure, many girls probably wouldn’t care but the few that do get offended?  I don’t know, I have this weird thing where I couldn’t knowingly do that.

But what about those that don’t get offended and are actually responsive?  How many girls are having casual sex?

According to the Kinsey Institute, about 1 in 4 single women from ages 25-39 are having sex “a few times per month to weekly.”  That doesn’t precisely nail down “casual sex” but it’s a good rough estimate to say that 25% of women in that age range are having sex with someone who they don’t consider a boyfriend.  That number drops dramatically when you increase it to “two to three times per week” but nobody is asking you to go buck buck on random fuck fucks.

A few times per month is plenty and that numbers is 19% for women age 18-24.  One in five is also not an insignificant number and it’s definitely higher than the number of girls that list “casual sex” on their dating profiles.  In just an independent study I did right now, I couldn’t find a single girl (out of 20?) that listed it.

Sometimes I wonder if that’s what a girl means by putting “Activity Partners”?  Like, what the hell is an activity partner?  They already have the option of “New Friends” on there so is an Activity Partner supposed to be someone that you go hiking with that you absolutely hate?

“Hey I need someone to go to the U2 concert with me but DONT MESSAGE ME if you think we might hit it off!”

And do guys list “Casual Sex” very often?  I haven’t seen many males profiles but from what I’ve heard around the internet water cooler, listing Casual Sex is a death wish because now you’re just a creep.  Besides, does a guy need to list “Casual Sex” on his profile?  That’s like a cat listing “vacuum cleaners” as a dislike.  Yeah kitty, we already know that!

(I wonder how upset the cat community has been since we stopped using CRT computer monitors that were big enough for them to sleep on?)

So guys aren’t listing casual sex, girls aren’t listing casual sex, but people are definitely still out there having casual sex.  Nobody is talking about it but a large percentage of the population is definitely doing it.  Sort of like watching CBS.  (Seriously, how are they the number one network?!  Remember JAG?)

I had an interesting night on Saturday.  I was over at my friends house and the three of us were having this very discussion and one of those guys was my friend that apparently hooks up with one in three girls that he messages and he is only asking for one thing.  We were messing around with OkCupid, looking at the Locals, having discussions and going into his methods of using the site and sending these messages.

Earlier I said that I would never send a sexually-induced message when I was sober.  I added that bit at the end of the sentence for a reason.  After a few drinks I sent one to some girl and I hardly know why or who she was but I sent one.  It was simple, not very dirty, and kind of stupid and silly:

“I wanna sex you up!”

(How many people out there that aren’t anonymous on their blog will be this open and honest with you?  Seriously, this is why my mom has always trusted me!)

I actually forgot about it until this morning.  Until this morning when I received a one-word reply:

“Address?”

What the fuck?  Is this serious right now?  I believe that some girls will do shit to mess around with guys that send these kinds of messages but I also know that some aren’t messing around.  Whether or not this girl is, how should I know?  And why just ask for address, because if you’re messing with me what are you going to do?  Send 50 pizzas to my house?  I’ll eat those 50 pizzas.

When my friend says that he successfully uses OkCupid to have casual sex with girls I never really questioned him.  I believe him and even if I didn’t take his word for it, I’ve seen him do it.  (Not like I watched him have sex with the girl but I’ve seen him peace out to go have sex with a girl that he just messaged or that he hit up on Locals.  He’s never asked me to watch though.)

I believed him but I don’t know… some things you can’t be sure of until you experience them yourself.  So to wake up to that message I was kind of floored.  Really?  It was that easy the whole time if all you were looking for was sex?  And no, she doesn’t list “Casual Sex” on her profile or hint at it at all because of what I said before about it being frowned upon by “society.”

But just who the fuck is society?  Is society a real representation of the people or is it just the outspoken minority and the prevailing ideas of a generation whose morals and social mores have passed them by?  It’s funny how often common sense isn’t always so common.  How the media can make you believe that something isn’t popular when it actually is and vice versa.  I certainly never grew up thinking that country music and NASCAR were popular but they’re two of the most “popular” things in America.

So is the idea that it’s bad for girls to have casual sex and that they aren’t interested in it actually true or is it simply that we don’t know the truth?  That the secrets we keep are holding the truth deep below the surface, veiled in potentially disappointing our parents and friends?

The funny thing would be if we were actually more open about it we might find that other people agree or feel the same way.  There was a time not so long ago when girls not dare talk about masturbation but slowly and steadily you see a much louder voice of women on TV and movies talking about their vibrators and other such things.  Could it be that as more time passes, girls will be more open to talking about casual encounters and how they really feel about them?  (Girls on HBO, which I somehow have now brought up like six times on this blog, seems like another step in that direction.)

Or is it simply that I am out of touch?  That I am wrong?  That I have jumped to a conclusion based on one friend and one message that I sent and the one reply that I got?  Am I wrong that girls are more interested in casual sex than they let on?  Have I just gone on record on my blog of calling a lot of girls “sluts”?

There’s a very simple explanation as to why we call girls “sluts” and guys “studs” for having a lot of sexual encounters and its this: because we do.

That’s the only reason.  We do it because we do.  You could call a box a “box” but you could also call it a “flurgendurgen” but that’s not we call it.  We call it a box.  And it’s still a box no matter what you call it.  Even if you call it a flurgendurgen, it won’t stop being a box.  It’ll have the same purpose, it will be the same thing.

We label girls as sluts and men as studs for doing the same thing simply because we do.  The only problem with it is that one has negative connotations and one doesn’t.  One is a scarlet letter and the other is a badge of honor and why are they?  Because they are.  However, when you look deeper below the surface you’ll see that they are the same thing.  You could call a guy a stud or you could call him a flurgendurgen but he’s still just a dude that sleeps around.  You could call a girl a slut or a flurgendurgen but she’s still just a chick that sleeps around.

In the end, they’re both people that sleep around and the only reason that we think that there is anything wrong with it for girls is because of what we think society thinks.  But you know what I think?  I think that I am society.

I am my own society.  You are your own society.  Don’t do something or not do something because of what “society” tells you because in the end you’re still going to have your own belief system and that’s the only belief system that matters.  You’re in control of perception and you shouldn’t be worried about what others think, though I understand why it’s difficult to be open about it because we have to answer to our peers.

However, the truth is we might be surprised when our peers have the same answers as we do.  In the end, don’t we just all “wanna have fun”?

Oh, what am I going to do with that answer of “address”?  I honestly don’t know.  Just like I don’t honestly know how many guys are sending sexually-charged messages and how many women like it, but I know that it’s greater than zero.  Significantly.

 

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§ 13 Responses to How Many People Are Really Having Casual Sex On OkCupid? The Answer May Surprise You.

  • Kenny,
    I love this post. Here are a few things a girl has to point out…You are a commanding height and articulate, which makes you sexy in many eyes. When individuals aren’t getting their boots knocked, they are often are standing in their own way. Last, perception is not reality. If you want proof, hang out with an un-medicated schizophrenic. Women get a great deal of conflicting messages, and there is a double standard with many more things than sex. I hope you have a good time if you so choose with “address.”
    Cheers!
    N

  • scintillatebrightly says:

    I think there are a lot of girls of our generation that don’t mind admitting they like casual sex. Sometimes. And frankly I don’t care one way or another how much or how little a girl is sleeping around. Personally it shouldn’t be non existent.
    One thing I do know is that in all this sleeping around most people aren’t mentioning or even thinking about the disease factor. I think there would be a lot more people, both men and women, who would be gung ho for casual sex except for that factor.

  • sweetsound says:

    I’m all for people doing what they want without caring about the stigma. The stigma can suck it.

    For myself, I’m not sure which side of the fence I fall on yet, but this subject interests me because I’ll be deciding very soon. But up to this point, I very much prefer the relationship thing, which of course includes lots of sex, among the other things.

    It seems like a hard thing to navigate if you don’t know exactly what you want. Maybe that’s another reason why people don’t list it on their profile, because they aren’t completely sure what they want.

  • desi83 says:

    Ah, this blog cracked me up. I’m wondering if you had the balls to respond to “address”? lol. Casual sex is fine if you are responsible about it, I think, in terms of protection and emotion. If you have casual sex with someone and you’re all messed up in the head about your ex or because you’re lonely and wanting attention, or if you’re hoping it’ll turn into a relationship, it’ll just make you even more messed up in the head. But, if you really are in a comfortable place within yourself, and you’re just wanting it, I don’t see anything wrong with it, be it girl or guy. That’s what I think anyway. As for hitting up dating sites for sex, really? Just go to a bar. People have been finding sex partners in bars for centuries.

  • [...] to quit this year. I drink but I don’t “get nuts” anymore like I did in college. I’m probably a sex addict or something. Sexy [...]

  • Frantz says:

    To be quite honnest, I think girls just aren’t attracted to having sex outside of a relationship as much as guys are, and it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with what society expects of them.

    For instance, I contacted this girl on a dating site called okcupid, and compared to her, I was much better looking.

    Here was the conversation:
    Me:
    Hello there, how are u?
    So how are u liking graphics design?

    Her:
    Hi I’m great, and you?
    I really love it! I just graduated last month :) I’m going to be looking for a job this summer

    You seem like a really nice and interesting guy and I would like to get to know you but I don’t want to waste your time so I’ll tell you right now that I’m not looking for a one night stand, fuck friend or anything of the sort I’m kind of bored of that so if thats what your looking for I’m sorry

    So errr, she was “bored of one night stands”?
    What conclusion can we draw from this?

  • [...] Another popular post here has been “How Many People Are Having Casual Sex on OKCupid?”  It’s almost as if people really care about sex.  For me, sex ranks right between [...]

  • Eric says:

    Here’s the lurid truth about online dating: About six weeks ago, a friend nudged me to try a site called okcupid. Originally, I had little interest. I prefer meeting girls in the real world. But I decided to give it a shot. Since then, I’ve had sex with 18 girls off the site. All of them, with the exception of one, stated that they were looking for a relationship, were not into one-night-stands, and would absolutely not have sex with me on the first date. They all willing did.

    When I messaged them I did not ask or talk about sex (though with a few of the girls, our IM and text conversations turned to sexual talk).

    So here’s my take: women refrain from sleeping around because there’s a stigma attached it, not because they don’t enjoy casual sex.

    Online dating gives people (girls specifically) a lot of anonymity and anonymity sloughs off the consequences of hooking up with a stranger: their friends, family, and acquaintances do not know this person and, most likely, never will.

    The Dark Side Of Online Dating: Although I’m fit, I’m not particularly tall or good looking. In other words, there’s nothing special about me. This, of course, has come to bite me in the ass with some of these girls. I’ll start to like one, think I’m special, and then catch her messaging from her phone with more okcupid guys. It’s a humbling realization that I’m not special but neither are her new gentleman suitors.

  • yah says:

    couldn’t read everything. it was too fucking boring. get to the point quicker. fuck!

  • Pedro says:

    I think you left something out. Not only humans have this dynamic. If a woman gets pregnant. Who has to go the 9 months pregnant? Then someone has to help with the upbringing. Not Mr. Casual.

    Birds have to find the healthiest best provider or chicks will not survive. Who sits on the eggs? Usually the female. And so on with other animals.

    These are biological reasons more than cultural. I am all for casual sex by the way.

  • If you ask me, then there is a lot of sex on okCupid :)

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