This Season on The Fatchelor

May 24, 2012 § 8 Comments

The Fatchelor: Kenny

Stats: Kenny is a tall one at 6’6″, 230 lbs

Occupation: Fixes computers at a major shipping corporation by day, writes about sports, sex, dating, movies, writing and whatever else he wants to write about at night… also sometimes at day. Not a “writer in Hollywood” like every other person, I get paid for writing, just not very much yet.

Strengths: Good sense of humor, good at mingling with strangers, not afraid to go to a movie or an event by myself and make friends, personable, smart, creative, has seen every episode of almost any show thats worth watching, and while I wouldn’t say that my movie quoting ability is “endless” I would say that it’s like saying that the Grand Canyon isn’t technically endless.
I smell good, I’m tall, and I’ll fight anyone in the honor of my family, friends, and loved ones that deserves a fight even though I have only been in one fight in my life and I lost. I work hard at my passion and my passion is writing. Confidence was always an issue in my life but when I knew that being a writer was what I am, I gained a supreme amount of confidence in my writing. For example: I think that I’m going to travel to Thailand some day but I KNOW that I will be a well-known professional writer and my main goal is to create my own television show.

Also, owns the book 269 Amazing Sex Tips and Tricks.  So far I’m stuck on #1: Find the vagina.

I also sing and love karaoke!

Weaknesses: I clean my room even though I know that I should just pick up after myself in the first place. When I was at a restaurant one time meeting my (now ex) girlfriends friends for the first time, I overheard one of the dudes say “He’s kind of a weird-looking kid,” I told her what he said and she didn’t believe me and it became a huge dramatic ordeal. All of a sudden I am pissed at her and not the guy that called me weird looking, though he can still go fuck himself. What’s the weakness? Yeah, I might be a bit weird-looking and also, I turn into the hulk if someone questions my ability to be good, to be normal, and especially when they don’t believe me because I’m very honest and terrible at lying. I don’t even try to lie anymore because I’m so bad at it. Sometimes I get lazy and put some weight back on but I’ll never be obese again. I smoke but I’m going to quit this year. I drink but I don’t “get nuts” anymore like I did in college. I’m probably a sex addict or something.

Sexy Face

The Fatchellorettes:

Comic Book Girl: Voluptous, she was not typically the kind of girl I go for “lookwise” but she seemed cool, smart and nerdy. She was only 21 but acted much older. We laughed about comic books and because she works at a comic book store, she knew a lot more about that area of media than I did and I was impressed, but she lived a bit too far away. Even still, I gave her a rose and we went on a second date. On the second date, we had a few beers, debated about some serious topics like womens rights because she is a feminist and I said that was cool and that I liked a strong woman. She said other feminists disagreed with her because she liked to show off her cleavage (she had big boobs) and like to dress that way, and who had the right to tell her not to? I thought things went pretty well and I walked her to her car where we made out for approximately 2-4 minutes and we agreed to go out again.

I texted her once, maybe twice. Never heard from Comic Book Girl Again.

Dr. Sexy: She was three years older than me and in her residency of being an ER surgeon. She literally would see people die (lots of people) right before we’d see each other. We met at a nice restaurant near her place and drank some beers, talked about what it was like to be a doctor. She was really hot. I was more intimidated with this girl than any girl I’ve ever gone out with before. I thought that maybe she made a mistake because she’s like an 8 or a 9 plus she’s a doctor and I don’t make very much money and on a good night I’m a hard 6. I gave her a rose and she actually accepted. She was impressed that I was a writer and that I am a voracious learner, always trying to be better and to be smarter.

The second date we went to a place, Rush Street, that was closer to me. We talked again, continued to bullshit. She was cool. She wasn’t at all what I expected a doctor to be like. She was smart but kind of immature and real. I went to her car and we made out for 5 minutes and I gave her a second rose and she accepted. On the third date I took some wine over to her place. This is usually the sign that I’m about to put on a hospital gown and get examined by the Dr. Sexy. We watch a movie and immediately it kind of seems like she’s not having a good time. Things don’t click anymore. We make out for a little while. I feel up a doctor and she has big boobs, which I wasn’t expecting. Thought we might get to the bedroom but no luck.

I give her a third rose, which she seemed to accept. A few days later she says that we aren’t compatible or something. No more Dr. Sexy.

Boring Girl: How quickly can I put this? This chick was 39 or something and a casting director. We met and I didn’t give her a rose. But she contacted me again and I went over to her place to play Scene It. She invited me over. Seemed obvious enough. I went in for the kiss and she rejected me. Needless to say, I don’t talk to her anymore.

The Speed Dater: This story is 100% real. A girl hits me up on OKLocals. She looks cute but can’t meet right away. She’s very confusing. Has two phone numbers that she’s contacting me with. I hear nothing from her (this is Sunday by the way) for eight hours until I wake up the next day. She called me twice at 4 AM. I thought, what the hell? She explains a whole lot of drama to me about how she’s been abused, used, forced to do a porno, won a blowjob contest, has no money, living on some random dudes couch, doing webcam shows…. and she wants to smoke speed in my room.

Can I just say this right now? THIS IS MY LIFE IN DATING IN 2012!!!

I wish that were a joke.

On the bright side, the Fatchelor has gained a lot of experience, a lot of laughs, and has waded through a bunch of the bad ones or the ones that weren’t meant to be.  I mean, odds say that it’s gotta happen sometime right?  At least I’m trying again.  Don’t take this as a sign that I’m depressed or worried about it, but just wanted to update you on the current situation and share my embarrassments with someone.

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§ 8 Responses to This Season on The Fatchelor

  • Bob Johnston says:

    Comic Book Girl was 21 and that’s too young. Girls like that are always flaky. Stay away unless you just want sex.

    Dr. Sexy – You did something wrong to turn her off. What was it? (I suspect you didn’t poke fun at her… and put her on a pedestal).

    Boring Girl – If you didn’t like her why did you waste your time going out with her again?

    Speed Dater – Obviously this chick has problems. Block her number.

  • lynliam says:

    Liking the photos, very handsome! the new profile is great, says a lot and is clear and to the point, hope you get some good dates.

  • desi83 says:

    You crack me up, Kenneth. Thank you for that. I can relate. I have some strange dating stories that I still can’t believe happened lol. All we can do is keep shopping, right?

  • Pink Ninjabi says:

    Awesome profile! I’m sure some lucky fatchelorettes will fall into place soon!


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