Is Skipping Marriage AND Divorce The Best Solution To Having Kids?

June 21, 2012 § 2 Comments

Babies.  They seem like a really good concept but they are also a lot of work.  Babies cry.  Babies poop.  Babies need your constant love and attention.  They are the biggest responsibility of your life and probably the biggest financial burden.

However, without more babies the human race would eventually die out and therefore make our time on this planet a total failure!  I know because I saw Children of Men and things got pretty ugly.  Plus having your own baby means that you can have your own bloodline go on and feel like maybe you left something behind on this earth after your body is found naked in a Wendy’s dumpster.

I’ve always thought that having kids would be the way to go someday and I still do but babies have often required “loving relationships” or “loving in the backseat of my Oldsmobile” before conception, birth, and afterbirth.  I feel like I can learn how to change a diaper but don’t know much about this whole “relationship” thing.

And even after you have the baby, at least half the kids in America will have to witness their mom and their dad call each other “dicks” when they inevitably split up.  Not only that, but half of that half will watch another divorce as they grow up.  My own dad is on his third marriage right now, but at least it is probably his last only because he is really old.

It’s not just the divorce that sucks but old studies showed that children were more likely to get bad grades, less pleasant to be around, more likely to need psychological help, and more likely to have psychological problems than kids in homes that weren’t broken.  However, I was the child of a “broken home” and I turned out okay.  Isn’t that right, Satan-that-tells-me-to-do-naughty-things?

No, I really do think that most of that is “fluff” but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t effect children negatively.  But is that negativity because their parents aren’t together or because their parents aren’t the bestest-of-friends anymore?

However, what about when the two people are friends and were never more than friends?  What if you skipped the part where you “broke up” by never being together in the first place?  Where does “marriage” exactly come into play when we’re talking about pro-creation?  About the actual act of conception and putting my sperm into your egg?

What kind of a science lesson is this:

Kid: “Where do babies come from?”

Adult: “The stork.”

Kid: “The F you talkin’ bout?”

Adult: “Okay, when a man loves a woman, they lay down together and then nine months later a kid pops out.”

Kid: “Okay… so the love makes the baby?”

Adult: “Yeah.”

Kid: “Okay… but I love you and mommy so why don’t we have babies together?  Why aren’t I having a baby in nine months?”

Adult: “Well, other things are involved.”

Kid: “So you lied to me?  How come Trisha has a baby but she doesn’t have a husband or even a boyfriend?”

Adult: “Because Trisha is an idiot and now the MTV crew is here filming all of it.”  

No, love is not a scientific factor in the making of a human being.  Blowing your load into somebody while “Take Me Home Tonight” plays in the background is where babies come from.  Millions of people are having babies with somebody that they don’t love.  The only real problem is that you’re probably having the baby unintentionally.

I’ve broken down the sanctity of the institution of marriage countless times before and yes, I’m doing it again today.  It’s not that I have anything against marriage but I also don’t think that it’s necessary either.  And the more I thought about it, the more I thought that it makes perfect sense in certain situations to have a baby with a friend and still have both of you be present parents.

Most kids grow up with two homes as it is anyway.  If two mature adults can have a good friendship and not let weird things complicate that friendship like a little bit of sex for awhile until the girl is pregnant or arguments about custody, then why can’t it work?  A movie that came out earlier this year, Friends with Kids, addressed that very issue.  (I haven’t seen it yet but with Adam Scott, Jon Hamm, Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph, you bet that I will!)

Many people would probably call this idea “impractical” but I almost think that by definition, it’s the most practical solution to your clock ticking that there is.  If you’re a woman who is thinking about having a baby but haven’t found the right man yet after years of searching or if you’re a guy in his late 30s or 40s that just wants to leave behind a legacy but can’t settle down… Is it crazy to think that you could skip marriage AND divorce and just get right down to da bizness?

I’m only 29.  I’m far too young to even be considering this and hardly capable of keeping a pet fish alive at this point, but I think that as humans evolve the concept of marriage and having kids will evolve too.  I think that this is just the next step.

Or you could try that “falling in love” thing I guess.

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§ 2 Responses to Is Skipping Marriage AND Divorce The Best Solution To Having Kids?

  • sweetsound says:

    Kids are vomit factories, which is why I’m never having them. However, if I were to have them, I think I’d prefer to raise them with a guy who’s in the home. And… well, have you ever tried the long-term “friends with benefits” thing and not had one or the other fall in love and make things messy? I’d be curious about those statistics, if they existed.

    • My thinking process goes a bit past “friends with benefits” to “friends with kids.” It’s an abnormal concept and probably more rare to find two people that could do that without getting emotions attached, but I think that if it COULD be done, sometimes it could be the best situation.

      I think ideally you’d always have a situation where both parents were in the home with the family, but unfortunately over half end with the dad out of the house anyway.

      Mostly this article was just bouncing the idea around in my head, outloud :)

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