Oops! I’m An Almost-30, Single, White, Awkward, Nerd.

July 9, 2012 § 4 Comments

God forbid anyone asks me my A/S/L.


That’s only 66% accurate (The “M” should actually be a “C” for “Confused”) but I’m not going to lie, I’m slightly concerned about my relationship life trajectory right now.  It’s not like I’m about to hit the Panic Button, things could be a lot worse, but I must admit that sometimes I do self-reflect and think “Huh, maybe I’m NOT that cool!”

There is a large but unheralded group of over-30 males that are single and have been that way for a very long time.  I know this because I’ve seen it many times.  My sister has a couple of guy-friends that are in their early-to-mid-30s that I have never heard of having serious girlfriends.  There is also my brother-in-laws brother (so, my brother-in-law?) who is in the same boat.  They’re just a few dudes that have spent a large part of their lives single and there’s nothing wrong with that.  It doesn’t make them “weird” guys or “bad” guys.  In fact, that’s the scary part.  They’re basically really nice, fun, good guys.

And yet, they are still living singler than Queen Latifah.

Does that mean that I could be on a path that leads to being in my mid-to-late-30s, or forever, where I’m just not in any serious relationships?  I like to think of myself as a nice, fun, and sometimes-good guy that would eventually find “The One” but damn, it’s clearly not like I’m fending them off with a stick or other fending-devices.  I’m just going about my life, day-by-day, the same way that I’ve been doing it for 29-and-a-half years.

By the way, don’t ever feel like you’re too old to count “half years.”  Relatively speaking, you won’t be alive for a very long time.  Even if you live to be 100, you’ll only be alive for a tiny fraction, of a fraction, of a fraction, of a fraction of human existence.  Make the most of marking your life as it is.  I am not 29.  I am not 30.  I am 29 and a HALF!

So the few guys that I know through my sister have remained single for most of their lives.  Like me, they had that one serious relationship that fell to shit in their 20s and have just sort of coasted ever since.  Then there’s my brother.

He’s a special case.  He’s in his early 40s and has never been married.  In fact, he’s in the most serious relationship of his life right now.  It’s hard to say which way it’s going to go, but traditionally I would say that this looks like the “final” relationship of a person’s life.  But my brother probably could point to a single week in his life where he had sex with more girls during those seven days than I have in my whole life.  He took 100% of the genes from my dad that helped you with women and I got left with the genes that helped you discern the exact difference between a chicken Lunchable and a turkey Lunchable simply through smell.

The only thing that has ever kept my brother from getting married or being in a serious relationship is his willingness to commit to a girl and not the other way around.  Otherwise he probably could have married 100 times over.

Finally, I look at the friends in my life.  I have one, yes ONE, friend from my childhood that is now married.  ONE.  It’s not like I didn’t have many friends, I had a few, but the ones that I’ve kept in contact with even a little bit over the years are still single.  More of my friends have become DADs than got married.  There is one other friend that I have (had, really) that is married and he was basically married before I met him.  Other than that, all of my friends in California are single, near-30, dudes.

One of them was engaged once but that ended and he’s been bouncing around OkCupid the same as me.

Another one is basically like a younger version of my brother.

Another one shares a lot in common with my situation, but we’re all basically in the same situation.  We’re in our late 20s or early 30s, we’re all varying degrees of nerdy, we like to drink, watch movies, hang out, and remain friends on that level.  I’m sure that if I already was a married guy, I’d have more married guy friends, but it is interesting how we’ve all remained single and honestly, haven’t even had as much as a tiny threat to that situation except for the engaged friend and he wasn’t living in Los Angeles at the time.

That’s the other thing, we’re around friends.  I think there’s something about the motivation for companionship that drives us find somebody, even subconsciously.  The time I was in a relationship, we met up after I had graduated from college and was still in that slightly-awkward-adjustment-to-the-real-world phase where all of my college friends were living somewhere else.  It’s like, I might not be able to tell you where the nearest lake is, but if you took away my ability to get drinking water from any other source, I’d find out really soon.

“Hmm, I’m lonely and all my friends are gone.  Better go find someone to hang out with, and hey, might as well be a person that I can have sex with too.”

I’ve basically put off finding that person for a long time for several reasons: Guys can wait until their 30s, and these days girls can too, though it’s less common.  I’ve been happy with where I’m at.  I am not yet done with working on myself yet, so it’s probably too soon anyway.

So am I worried?  No, not realllly.  By looking around at the way of the world today, at the number of my friends that are still single, at my current situation, I am content with the fact that not having it right now doesn’t preclude me from having it ever.  29 is still relatively young and there’s still so much time for me to think about getting married and having kids.  My sisters husband was in his mid-30s (I think, it would be really insulting to him if he was actually like 31 because I picture him more like being 35 at the time.  I’ll be impressed if he calls me out on this because it would mean him or my sister had read my blog.) when they got married and now they have two kids.

It makes perfect mathematical sense for our 2012 culture that people are staying single well into their 30s.  The median age for marriage and having kids has progressively gotten older as culture has advanced, so there’s plenty of time indeed.

But it does make me reflect.  To look at myself, my habits, my friends, my thoughts on relationship and what a good use of a Friday is.  To think about the fact that maybe I’m more nerdy that I thought, more dorky than I had assumed.  I always used to wish that I could go to the National Spelling Bee and impress everyone with the fact that even though I could spell amazingly and was a kid prodigy, I was also really funny and cool and liked things like Saved by the Bell and wasn’t a total bookworm.

The problem is that I was nowhere near being a child prodigy or qualifying for a spelling bee in my own school, let alone on a national stage.  It also turns out that I might not be “Mr Cool” either.  And that’s okay, there’s still plenty of time to figure that out.

One day my A/S/L just might be 32/M/Your Basement!


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§ 4 Responses to Oops! I’m An Almost-30, Single, White, Awkward, Nerd.

  • Elias Cresh says:

    The world has changed. it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re becoming like everyone else. The people that have been married the longest that I know all got married at like 20 or 21. The rest get married around 27 or 28. Everyone else gets into these relationships where one or both people haven’t figured out how not to be selfish yet or haven’t figured out their own path before getting into a relationship: i.e. they spend years with someone that any idiot would know won’t work. And I think those people getting married at 20 or 21 is becoming less and less every day. It’s interesting to think that in 30 years we may have a generation of 40 year olds not married because they don’t want to rush into anything yet or because they’re just not to that part of their life yet or whatever the reason is.

  • Pink Ninjabi says:

    Awesome, insightful post that confirms being single is not a disease (I hope) so much as a choice. Woo!


  • ER Florendo says:

    Am I weird when I say I’m 23 and I want kids? Geesshhh. But nice insights you have here.

  • Very nicely done! Just want to point out, when you’re in your 30s and looking for a spouse around your age, typically what you’ll find are career-minded women and single moms :) Both have their pros and cons. I actually appreciate the 30 something men at this point!! Keep up the good work :)

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