Hot Girls From My Childhood: Melinda Clarke As A Zombie!

August 24, 2012 § 3 Comments

I think that a criticism of this series might be that I come off as a male chauvinist.  That it’s sexist to call women “hot” or possibly implying that I think attractiveness is all that women are good for.  That idea is what one might call, “Bull.  Shit.”

I love women.  If anything, I am a feminist more than I am a chauvinist.  I was raised by a woman, and only a woman.  I grew up with only women.  I am probably single partially for that fact because I am not handy around the house and I can’t change the oil on a car, but I definitely relate well to women.  Did you not have any crushes as a kid?  Did you not hang a Mark-Paul Gosselaar poster in your room?

Of course you did.  We all did, men and women alike.  He’s Mark damn Paul freaking Gosselaar.

The reason that I personally like this series is that it gives me an opportunity to reminisce, not on famous sex symbols, but of the lesser-knowns.  Perhaps the forgottens.  The women that shaped the tastes I have in other women as of today, which is probably why I am single because of course none of them are attainable to a schlub like me.

I should have had a crush on Kimmy Gibbler instead of Alex Mack.  (I feel so creeped to write that at 29 that I feel the need to remind everyone that I was 12.)

One such woman actually was a woman from the moment I fell in love.  I was only 11 or 12 at the time, but Melinda Clarke was already 24.  If you looked at her today, you’d say “Oh yeah, of course she’s beautiful.  I mean come on, she’s gorgeous” if you are the type to use “gorgeous.”  I am usually not because I guess I’m not secure enough in my manhood to do so, but I just did so what the hell am I talking about?  Look at her today:

 

Well, probably not literally “Today” because holy crap that would be fast to get a picture on the internet and have it as one of the top results on Google Images.  It also looks like it’s taken at the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards (“what kid doesn’t look up to Melinda Clarke?” he said sarcastically) and I’m almost certain that those weren’t today.  I know because I definitely still watch them.  (Again, why do I have to come off so creepy?  Maybe this whole thing is a bad idea)

Yes, Clarke is a bombshell.  If you “didn’t have a thing for redheads” you’d probably question your entire life once you saw Melinda Clarke.  You might try olives or mushrooms again because maybe you were wrong about those too.

However, when I fell in love with her, she didn’t look anything like this.  Not only because she was younger, but because she had an entirely different kind of make-up on.  When I fell in love with Melinda Clarke… she was a zombie.

 

If you’re asking yourself, “What the hell is wrong with Kenneth?” then welcome to the club.  I’m questioning some things about myself at this very moment.  But then again I do feel justified for this crush.  She is about the most beautiful 1993 zombie ever.  Or at least in 1993, since I basically just pigeonholed my whole statement there into that year.

Background:

I was and am a major horror movie buff.  I grew up watching them from a very young age.  I ran to the horror section at Blockbuster every time my mom graciously took me there, and then the teenager behind the counter would say “Stop running, freak.  This is a Blockbuster.”

The Return of the Living Dead is my absolute favorite zombie film of all-time, with exception to Shaun of the Dead, which I’d classify maybe a little bit more of a comedy than a zombovie.  (Yeah, I know that zomedy works better there, but you can’t tell me what to do.  Who are you, the word-mashing police?)  It’s not the most popular choice for best zombie film ever made, but it’s my choice.  Opinions are funny that way.

Well, this is not Return of the Living Dead, in case you didn’t know, but it is Return of the Living Dead 3.  Melinda (who at that time went by “Mindy Clarke”) plays Julie Walker, a rebel without a cause who is in love with her boyfriend or something something zombies.  Plot doesn’t matter here.  What matters is that she was a cute 24-year-old girl that became infected and then started to transform her look into the craziness you see before you.

 

I don’t know exactly what it was.  The shit in her face, her naturally good looks, or the partially exposed boob, but I fell in love.  I didn’t realize until just this moment that my love of damaged women must have started right around this time. (holy shit that’s a whole ‘nother issue.)

But yeah, this is like the ultimately-damaged woman.  She was a young, beautiful girl with her whole life in front of her and then she started to turn into this flesh-desiring beast who mutilated her body and could not be saved… yet me and her fictional boyfriend would have done anything to be with her no matter what.  There’s probably a message here that goes deeper than the undead, sort of like a metaphor for young people that become addicted to life-altering drugs, but I think I’ll just keep it simple with the “She’s a zombie!” thing.

I was such a horror movie dork in fact that I subscribed to Fangoria Magazine.  Not the usual first-thing-you-subscribe-to magazine for most kids, but I know what I wanted and my mom was cool enough to let me have it.

One day, this arrived:

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Not only that, but it contained a full-length poster of Melinda Clarke as the zombie Julie Walker!  This was my dream come true.  Now I knew exactly who I would hang up next to The Goss.  At this moment, Clarke was my main squeeze.

Over time, that faded.  Clarke became a television “star” of sorts, skipping from show to show and probably definitely now best known for The OC.  But not for me.  For me, she’ll always be my zombie bride.

In conclusion…

Yes, I am single.  Why do you ask?

 

 

 

 

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§ 3 Responses to Hot Girls From My Childhood: Melinda Clarke As A Zombie!

  • desi83 says:

    I loved, loved that movie. I was raised on horror movies since the age of 5. That explains a lot lol. And yeah, Melinda Clarke is a hot zombie.

  • Haha. This is a great post.
    I love Return of the Living Dead too, even the ridiculously cheesy third one.
    I didn’t realize that cute zombie was the same woman as Lady Heather, which is the role I adore her in.
    Which probably says a lot about my taste in romance >_>

    Your humor is awesome too. Keep it coming ;-)

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