8 Things Horribly Wrong With The Bagel Bites Jingle

September 22, 2012 § 10 Comments

Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time.  When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza any time. 

We are all familiar with the jingle.  If you want a refresher course, here is the commercial.  It first starts with “Now you can give them pizza WHENEVER they want.” This is only about the song, so let’s just get this first part out of the way…

Parents have no interest in how they can give their kids pizza whenever they want.  It’s very low on their list of priorities.  Right below “How can I get them to run around the house yelling and screaming more?”

Let’s talk a little bit about what’s wrong with the jingle:

Pizza in the morning STOP

People are already eating pizza in the morning.

Pizza in the morning STOP

I have never actually had a bagel bite in the morning, as I can recall it, but I feel that I’d be about 10,000 times less likely to have a bagel bite in the morning than a slice of pizza.  I don’t usually wake up and say, “Hmmm… the roof of my mouth feels fine. How can I fuck that up?”

Pizza in the evening STOP

There was not a shortage of people having pizza in the evening.

Pizza in the evening STOP

Bagel bites are really a snack or maybe a lunch.  I’m not going to lie to you and act like I’m all high and mighty and haven’t eaten 10 bagel bites in the evening or in the middle of the night, but my honest opinion is that MOST people eat a bagel bite in the middle of the day.  Afternoon, noon, lunch time… it’s never mentioned.

Pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time STOP

Now, I have never lived in an area where “supper” was a term that anyone used, but as I understand it and as Wikipedia explains it, supper is an evening meal.  It seems to me that supper has ALWAYS been an evening meal.  Is this line not redundant?  That’s like saying, “Pizza is some pizza, eaty eaty pizza, did you know that pizza is pizza?”

Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time STOP

So when it comes down to it, we’ve named just two times that you can eat pizza when it is on a bagel.

When pizza’s on a bagel STOP

This is more of a pet peeve maybe, but can we please not compare this:

 

To fucking pizza?

Pizza is not on a bagel.  It looks more to me like four to seven tiny cubes of fake pepperoni, 10-20 tiny cubes of fake cheese and maybe a few cubes of fake sauce.  And then I have to ask myself what the hell constitutes something actually qualifying as a bagel.

When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza any time STOP

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

When I was a kid, this made some sense to me.  The size makes it portable, the way it’s kept makes it accesible at any time, as a child I’m saying to myself “Fool proof.”

As an adult, here is how the song should go instead:

Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time.  When you’re a fucking adult you can eat pizza any time.  

There is nothing about a bagel bite that actually makes it more okay to eat at any given time, and in fact, there are probably less times to eat pizza on a bagel than just regular pizza.  I’m also just dumbfounded and confused as to why the company is selling the idea to parents that they can now give their kids pizza any time.  When did parents start a national letter writing campaign to congress that there weren’t enough ways to give their kids pizza?

I’m not better than bagel bites.  I’ve had plenty of them in my lifetime.  But I think we’re all better than this completely confusing, terrible, non-sensical, and incredibly catchy jingle.

I’ll give the song that, it’s catchy.  I can listen to it at any time, both in the evening AND at supper time.

 

 

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