Google Searches Provide Interesting Insight To What Brought You HERE

October 9, 2012 § 9 Comments

I’ve had a pretty crazy week that has prevented me from doing any updating to KennethAuthor but I feel better knowing that most of you update your blogs about as often as I get asked out by a girl.

(Rhymes with “Bever.”  Wait, no, that looks like it sounds like “beaver” but it’s supposed to sound like “Bevver” except that I’ve never seen two “v’s” next to each other.  I could continue that as a sex joke about “two v’s” but I’ll stop here.  And this has been an edition of “how to not tell a joke in seven sentences.”)

On Thursday I had a tooth pulled.  I am an adult.  Well, physically speaking I am an adult.  Just as long as you don’t count “ability to grow facial hair” then yes, I am almost 30 so that makes me an adult.  One that has just had a tooth pulled.  I put it under my pillow but the “girlfriend fairy” never came.

Actually, that sounds about right in at least 12 ways.

I’ve been planning on doing a longer post on getting a tooth pulled, and I will, but I want to wait until I get a good picture of the tooth as proof.  It’s not pretty but it was a part of me and it finally left me just like everything else.

In order to keep this blog rolling though I wanted to update you on something that I’ve updated you on before, and that’s one of the most fascinating things about having a blog: The searches that bring you here.  There are at least 45,000 people on this planet and a good 50% of them use the internet.  That gives you good odds that people are doing some really weird searches on “” and luckily I get to view those searches.

I crossed over 100,000 views this year and that means that I have got quite a bit of searches to search through and find the best ones.  Thank you, Internet!

Some background:

- For a long time now my most popular article has been “I Love You, Wendy Peffercorn.”  I honestly would have never guessed that was going to happen but hundreds of you read it each week.  I had no idea that so many other people were still obsessed with Wendy Peffercorn.  My advice to anyone wanting to get hits from “Google.lycos” is that you write about something niche that a lot of people like but not a lot of people read about.

A secondary character from a popular movie made 20 years ago is a good place to start!  We have childhoods and now a lot of adults are sharing those same memories, so write about things like Big League Chew, Baby Sinclair on Dinosaurs, or the film 3 Ninjas.  There’s at least 50 people searching for those things right now and I just stole them from you, haha.

- Another popular post here has been “How Many People Are Having Casual Sex on OKCupid?”  It’s almost as if people really care about sex.  For me, sex ranks right between Saved by the Bell: The College Years and that time I was told that I was too fat to ride a horse.  So yeah, pretty high.

When I started this site it was either going to be the blog that you see before you or a porn site that specialized in awkward text messages I send when I’m drunk that never get a response and actually never lead to sex™.  

Intercourse sells.  In this case, it was more like a “lack thereof” but people seem to enjoy that kind of stuff.  This is Search Engine Optimization 101.

- I am 38 comments short of 1,000 so let’s make it happen!

- I am 220 followers short of 1,000 on Twitter so let’s make it happen!

- You’re making things happen for me, doesn’t that feel nice?  Do things for others and don’t expect them to do unto you but at least science proves that you’re happier when you do things for other people than doing for yourself.  I’m trying to make you happier.

- My most popular non-US readers come from the UK, Canada, Australia and Belgium.  So… white people basically.  Which is fine because I’m whiter than the non-February months.  I accept and love all races though, so come forth.

- Over the past month I have 161 views from Germany.  I like to think of just one German dude that’s come here 161 times and is just so angry with me.

- Over the past month I have 1 view from the Isle of Man and I’d like to think that he went to the Olympics.  Just that one guy.  If there isn’t a porn movie yet named “Isle of Man” then I am directing it starting yesterday.

Anyways, onto the search terms!  These are actual terms that brought people here over the past week:

- “6”  Just the number six.  That brought 56 people here in a week.  Why didn’t we think of this before?  At least 150 people a week have to think about the number 6 so why wouldn’t it be popular?  I wrote a blog post about what the best number is in a Top 10 list and it seems to be working out pretty well.  Coming up next week: “Is ‘G’ the ‘Corey Feldman’ of letters?”

- “Jodie Sweetin nude” brought 31 people here.  I wrote this the last time I wrote this blog post… I still don’t have nude pictures of Jodie Sweetin nude and I never said that I did!  I just get the feeling that 30 of those views came from Jodie Sweetin herself.

Kimmie Gibbler checks in next at 24 views.  This country is having a really hard time letting go of Full House.  They have a real “Flesh-Toned Love Affair” with that show.

- I’m still shocked about the number of people that come here on topics like dating and okcupid, considering that I literally could not tell you the last time I went on a date.  I’ve had 4 or 5 girls recently where it was like, “Yeah, let’s go out!” and then something happens to prevent it like she sees a full body picture or I see that USA is running a Psych marathon.

(Search terms: ‘okcupid’, ‘what girls look for in a guy’, ‘okcupid scam’, ‘three some’ (yes, two words), ‘is it okay tk ask a girl to f*** straight up’ (not MY typo))

How lazy are people with searching Google?  It’s not a term paper, just hit the backspace one time.

Oh, here is a good one: “If I ask a girl to have sex would she”

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if you have to ask Jeeves, the answer is no.  A lot of people are curious about proper date etiquette, okcupid, online dating, what’s right and wrong to do on a first date, and more questions that bring them HERE for answers.  Quite ironic, if you ask me.  Though I suppose a “What NOT to do” can be just as helpful as a “What to do” site.

- 10 searches for “Blackout Drunk” brought people here.  Now this is something I can understand and relate to.  However, I just get this really weird feeling in the pit of my stomach when I find out that people are googling for “Blackout Drunk”  What prompted that I wonder.  Do people think that there is a website that will get you blackout drunk hey wait no there is your next “IPhone idea.”  /writes himself a future check for a million dollars.

Okay, lets just run through some awesome searches to wrap this up:

- jason statham f*ck in movie

- dorff stephen (just because his name ‘last, first’ is surprisingly amazing)

- pictues of martin luther king jr and rosa parks and malcom x (see, not ALL white people)

- lois griffin f*cks lesbian

- gay tall men 6’6 (awesome. Is this like when TiV0 tells you that you’re gay and you didn’t know it?)

- screw you stalkers

- sex wumen 70+

- do chopped contestants get to know food before show (I DONT KNOW BUT MAN DO I WANT TO!)

- how to have sex with a woman you meet at a bar? (I DONT KNOW BUT MAN DO I WANT TO!)

And then there’s this…

- hello very cute new pic of u mmmmmm cute! how u doing? im all good interpals is playing up tho  here today a bit is yours?


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