‘writers block’ is a dick
October 16, 2012 § 14 Comments
I felt the need to write something on here again. A week isn’t a long time for every blogger to go without saying something, but it’s a long time for me. I guess I have an obsession, and make no bones about it; it’s self-centered, vain, and narcissistic. I need you and I don’t want to lose you.
I’ve thought a lot about who I want to be as a writer, how I want to come off to strangers and most of whom that I’ll never meet in person. Do I want to censor myself as to not offend the reader? Do I want to go over-the-top for shock and entertainment value? The easiest answer is also the hardest to pull off: Being myself.
It’s very difficult for me to by myself. I don’t think that it’s because I don’t like me, I can stand myself, it’s just a natural fear that the next sentence I write will be the one that messes it up. But is that really possible?
poop fart jiggy jiggy bewbs bewbs bewbs
Yep, it is possible.
But the truth of the matter, sadly, is that in a way I am that sentence. I didn’t start to write it thinking that it would be true, but it kind of is. I’m weird, immature at times, random, and immature at times. Is that okay? I don’t know if it is and I’m not confident that I am taking the right steps. But what are the right steps?
When I got into this business, I mean when I really got into it, I told myself that I wanted to not just be myself but that I also wanted to be successful. I want to do something different in this business. I want people to see me for who I am but also show them that I wasn’t the same boring, bland writers that they might have gotten used to in national mainstream media. I am not in mainstream media, but I guess that’s the plan?
Can I just be myself, can I challenge some past ideologies, and also be successful? It’s a rare combination, do I have those qualities?
I don’t mind showing my insecurities to the world and I don’t think I have ever shied away from that. I haven’t gone out with a girl since February. See? However, I felt like if people could read someone that didn’t shy away from their own faults, that they could feel like this is a person that is comfortable to read because I won’t judge you for yours.
All of us, with the exception of Gosling, have faults.
I titled this about writers block because I didn’t have any damn idea what I would write about when I started. I just wrote. This is what happened. This is what I’m really thinking about I guess because I am in constant fear of failure and judgment. I write things and consistently after I post them I think, “Was that good enough? It wasn’t good enough. Nobody has said anything for ten minutes, it must have been soooo bad.”
I don’t know if I want to even post this. As I write this, I am leaning towards not posting it. But if I do, I will keep this paragraph in because I want to show you just how real that fear is. Am I going to fail with this post? I struggle to hit each keystroke as I write each word. I hesitate with every sentence. Not because I don’t know what I am going to say, but I don’t know if I want to say it.
“Am I being egotistical?”
“Am I coming off as a dick?”
“Am I blowing it right now?”
“Am I blowing off a dick right now?”
Do you see what I mean about being immature? But all I really want to be, is funny. I want to write stuff that makes a persons day a little bit better. I want to cheer people up, if I can. Days can suck for some people, they go around the internet sometimes looking for ways to get by. I don’t expect to ever compete with “sneezing cats” videos or anything, but maybe I can do a little something for one person. That would be pretty cool. When a person says that I made them “LOL” then that does feel pretty damn cool.
(However, if you only laughed internally, I’m sorely disappointed in you.)
I think that this is one of the hardest posts I’ve ever had to write, because it gives a little more insight into my mind and my writing. I don’t typically vocalize (write-a-lize?) that kind of stuff. This might be my most vulnerable insecurity. That I want to make it as a writer, that I have set high goals for myself, and that I live in constant fear of failure. I guess I have concerns that people see a fear of failure as a weakness, but I think it’s a driving force of what makes people better.
It’s only the difference between whether or not you face you fear (like if you took the steps to go on Maury and overcome your fear of toothpaste) or give into it.
I give into my fear of rollercoasters because I don’t have any aspirations of being a professional rollercoasterer. Maybe I need to take this fear straight to Maury Povich.
I guess I kind of have to hit post now.