‘writers block’ is a dick

October 16, 2012 § 14 Comments

I felt the need to write something on here again.  A week isn’t a long time for every blogger to go without saying something, but it’s a long time for me.  I guess I have an obsession, and make no bones about it; it’s self-centered, vain, and narcissistic. I need you and I don’t want to lose you.

I’ve thought a lot about who I want to be as a writer, how I want to come off to strangers and most of whom that I’ll never meet in person.  Do I want to censor myself as to not offend the reader?  Do I want to go over-the-top for shock and entertainment value?  The easiest answer is also the hardest to pull off: Being myself.

It’s very difficult for me to by myself.  I don’t think that it’s because I don’t like me, I can stand myself, it’s just a natural fear that the next sentence I write will be the one that messes it up.  But is that really possible?

poop fart jiggy jiggy bewbs bewbs bewbs

Yep, it is possible.

But the truth of the matter, sadly, is that in a way I am that sentence.  I didn’t start to write it thinking that it would be true, but it kind of is.  I’m weird, immature at times, random, and immature at times.  Is that okay?  I don’t know if it is and I’m not confident that I am taking the right steps.  But what are the right steps?

When I got into this business, I mean when I really got into it, I told myself that I wanted to not just be myself but that I also wanted to be successful.  I want to do something different in this business.  I want people to see me for who I am but also show them that I wasn’t the same boring, bland writers that they might have gotten used to in national mainstream media.  I am not in mainstream media, but I guess that’s the plan?

Can I just be myself, can I challenge some past ideologies, and also be successful?  It’s a rare combination, do I have those qualities?

I don’t mind showing my insecurities to the world and I don’t think I have ever shied away from that.  I haven’t gone out with a girl since February.  See?  However, I felt like if people could read someone that didn’t shy away from their own faults, that they could feel like this is a person that is comfortable to read because I won’t judge you for yours.

All of us, with the exception of Gosling, have faults.

I titled this about writers block because I didn’t have any damn idea what I would write about when I started.  I just wrote.  This is what happened.  This is what I’m really thinking about I guess because I am in constant fear of failure and judgment.  I write things and consistently after I post them I think, “Was that good enough? It wasn’t good enough. Nobody has said anything for ten minutes, it must have been soooo bad.”

I don’t know if I want to even post this.  As I write this, I am leaning towards not posting it.  But if I do, I will keep this paragraph in because I want to show you just how real that fear is.  Am I going to fail with this post?  I struggle to hit each keystroke as I write each word.  I hesitate with every sentence.  Not because I don’t know what I am going to say, but I don’t know if I want to say it.

“Am I being egotistical?”

“Am I coming off as a dick?”

“Am I blowing it right now?”

“Am I blowing off a dick right now?”

Do you see what I mean about being immature?  But all I really want to be, is funny.  I want to write stuff that makes a persons day a little bit better.  I want to cheer people up, if I can.  Days can suck for some people, they go around the internet sometimes looking for ways to get by.  I don’t expect to ever compete with “sneezing cats” videos or anything, but maybe I can do a little something for one person.  That would be pretty cool.  When a person says that I made them “LOL” then that does feel pretty damn cool.

(However, if you only laughed internally, I’m sorely disappointed in you.)

I think that this is one of the hardest posts I’ve ever had to write, because it gives a little more insight into my mind and my writing.  I don’t typically vocalize (write-a-lize?) that kind of stuff.  This might be my most vulnerable insecurity.  That I want to make it as a writer, that I have set high goals for myself, and that I live in constant fear of failure.  I guess I have concerns that people see a fear of failure as a weakness, but I think it’s a driving force of what makes people better.

It’s only the difference between whether or not you face you fear (like if you took the steps to go on Maury and overcome your fear of toothpaste) or give into it.

I give into my fear of rollercoasters because I don’t have any aspirations of being a professional rollercoasterer.  Maybe I need to take this fear straight to Maury Povich.

I guess I kind of have to hit post now.

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§ 14 Responses to ‘writers block’ is a dick

  • desi83 says:

    I know how you feel, Kenny. I think writing honestly like this is the best way to go. As long as you write about what you care about or how you feel, someone out there is going to relate. We are out there, people just looking for someone who is going through the same shit as you or are into the same nerdy or weird stuff:) Keep it coming.

  • Rayna says:

    This is exactly how I feel when I write. Every blog post I write hangs out in draft mode for at least a week before I publish it because of my neuroticism–did I word that right? Is this actually funny? Is anyone even reading this?–until I finally hit post. I think of it it as a learning process–as I write more, I’m learning to find myself in my words more. At least…this is what I hope will happen.

    • As a person that is already full of anxiety, it’s like such an interesting challenge to be an insecure writer. It makes everything that much more of “oh wow I am really facing this every day!” kind of thing. Thanks for reading!

  • I agree that we have to face the fears that really matter. I too, do not aspire to roller coaster professionally, but I face fears like talking to strangers and putting myself out there. Keep on writing as yourself! There was no truly wonderful writer who played it safe and followed someone else’s path. Go for it! And on the case of Gosling, I did hear that he has a collection of plastic skeletons in his apartment that he dresses up…

    • That means we are all failing by not having skeletons!

      Seriously though, putting yourself out there is another big one that challenges certain anxieties. Then you realize, “Oh that wasn’t so bad.”

      Thanks!

  • J-Dub says:

    I love this piece, but now I have “comment block.”

  • I rarely get personal in my writing in that I don’t disclose intimate details of my life but I can say that I am ALWAYS honest in my writing. No matter what I’m writing about. You should be yourself at all times but don’t mistake that for thinking you need not try. Be yourself but work hard to be your best, whatever that means.

    Be honest. Be sincere. Never censor yourself and never shy away from your fears (even of roller coasters – you’re seriously missing out, man). Sometimes, you’ll be surprised at what comes out when you stop shackling yourself with doubt and inhibitions.

    I once read a quote from a long-past essayist (god help me, I cannot remember his name!) that went something like this: “If I didn’t write about the things I see, how would I ever know my thoughts on them?” Writing isn’t just how we get to know you, it’s how you learn about yourself. It’s what makes you grow, learn and ultimately trust yourself. Fear will get in the way of that. And then you’ll do yourself a terrible disservice as well as us, your faithful readers.

    Basically what I’m saying is: fuck fear. Show us who you are. We can take it.
    :) Nikki

    • All valid points, thanks Nikki. :)

      But seriously, fuck rollercoasters. :(

      However, I need to let go of fear of saying certain things. :)

      But if I have to ride a single rollercoaster, I’m leaving this earth. :(

      However, I’ve always had fun when I took the step to actually get on a rollercoaster. :)

      But I hate the act of going on them. :(

      I’m an idiot. :( :) :( :)

  • Pink Ninjabi says:

    this post exemplifies how much of an amazing writer I know you to be, as honesty is one of the most difficult perspectives to write from most of all. Thank you sooo much for sharing. You have just made yourself more human to us, you super writer, you!

    Pink.

  • I hate writers block! It’s horrible when you are in an exam and you need to write something but you just can’t think of anything
    For more of my life as a Britsh teenager, go to uniquelysophie.wordpress.com

  • jwdwrites says:

    Hi Kenneth, I liked your post. Fear of failure is big thing in my world. So much so that I will sometimes avoid trying something I really want to try because I don’t want to discover that I can’t do it, or I am no good at it. I have wanted to write for pretty much my whole life, but the thought of writing and people not liking it held me back. My blog is my first attempt at public stuff and it’s scary! Well, not too scary because I am the only one who has read it so far, but I think I can relate to much of what you said.

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