how to catch a catfish: the guide to fake internet dating

April 2, 2013 § 5 Comments

Are you 30, lonely, and hoping that you will finally find that special someone that’s going to pick you up by your boot straps and get you back on the horse of life?  Are you not concerned about whether or not that person on the other end is really a 24-year-old nursing student named Annie or actually a 46-year-old father of two?  Then you’re in luck!

Thanks to a connection of roughly seven to sixty-five trillion wires stretching under the ground everywhere from Hollywood, California to Van Nuys, California called the “internet”, you can find people that are willing to pretend to be whatever you want them to be for the purposes of gaining their own power and sexual gratification!  Who cares if it’s really “Annie” or “Andy” as long as you’re getting your emotional jollies.  It’s Adam and Eve not adam_antium321 and h0tn_readyg1rl_eve!

Within minutes, or even months, you too will be able to chat with someone that really cares you exist, even if they don’t.  Here is how!

1. Go onto the internet!

The first step in developing any fake online relationship of course involves getting onto the internet, or “world wide web.”  Plug your 56k modem into the nearest phone jack:

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2. Find new friends, and tell them about yourself with 3 easy letters

Sign into America Online and go to America On-Line (AOL) Instant Messenger (IM) programmer.  Find a chatroom labeled something like “Cool Teens” or “Young Moms” and introduce yourself.  Say something like “Hey, everybody. I’m gandalf_l0ver112″ and then give out these 3 key bits of information about yourself:

- Age

- Sex (gender)

- Location (where you at?)

Also known as “A/S/L”.  This let’s people know how old you are, what gender you are, and where you are located.  Now they have some sort of idea if you are in their same age range, if you are a boy or a girl, and if you are located near them.  Or in some cases, it might be best if you’re not located near them!  This will really heighten the ability to be a fake online boyfriend and girlfriend, because you couldn’t meetup without a train ticket or car.

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3. Make yourself attractive to others

You’re trying to lure yourself a catfish, it doesn’t hurt to be a catfish.  We aren’t trying to mate between species, after all.  Have you ever seen a fish have sex with a duck?  Of course not.  Would you like to?  Of course you would, but you aren’t that lucky.  So tell some lies on the internet.

As the girl from Perverted Justice once said: “Come on in, I’ve made some lemonade.   I just need to throw this into the dryer.”

It may be best to hang back for awhile and see which fake A/S/L best suits your needs.  If you really want a 22-year-old female catfish in the Bay area, then try a chatroom like “SF hotteyz” and relax in the 33-person chatroom with 31 guys and 2 “girls” that are pretty much chatting to each other while 3 guys control the conversation and 28 “people” lurk in the background because they’re even afraid that they’ll be judged anonymously.

Eventually you will decide that you don’t care at all if the person is 22, just as long as they’re under 30 and you won’t mind where they live as long as it’s in the continental United States, so long as they claim to be female.  By day three, you’re only rule is that they claim to be 18 (because Chris Hansen seems like kind of a jerk, which might have entirely to do with the fact that he almost exclusively interviews men who like boys and girls under 15) and that they live on this planet, and now you’re starting to lax on the whole ‘gender’ thing too.  By day 45, you’ve won the Heisman trophy.

In conclusion:

Man and woman or man and man or woman and woman, whatever the parts will fit together if you try enough combinations.  But on the internet, your parts don’t touch and nothing can be given a title if you’re not touching it’s all good you guys.   Anything goes, so get on the web (short-hand for internet terms can help reduce keystrokes) and find yourself a mate.  It’s like my mama always said: The net is like a box of chocolates that did not come with a reference guide to which chocolate contains which flavors, you never know what kind of treat is inside until you bite.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some fishin’ to do.

 

 

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