update: now writing for rolling stone

August 12, 2014 § 3 Comments

For anyone that followed this blog in the past and wondered what I’ve been up to, I just wanted to give the exciting news that I’ve recently started writing on Rolling Stone dot com about the NFL. If you want to follow any of my work there, you can check it out by going here:

 

http://www.rollingstone.com/contributor/kenneth-arthur

 

You can contact me on gmail at kennetharthurs (at) gmail

 

Thanks!

New rules for eating and food

June 30, 2014 § 5 Comments

I wouldn’t say that I’m in the midst of another “diet” per se, but I have changed my diet over the last few weeks. Because I’ve added 60 pounds over the last six months or whatever, I need to start eating healthier, but instead of cutting calories, I’m just changing what I eat and how I eat.

I’ve cut out red meat entirely. I won’t eat any more “white carbs” and instead will only use brown rice or whole wheat pasta or tortillas, when I do need a base for my meals. (It’s almost impossible to not have some “base” with any meal, which is why I’ve decided to come up with these new rules for eating.)

I cook almost 100% of my meals, I have cut out alcoholic drinks significantly, I eat a lot more fruit and vegetables, I almost exclusively drink water. I cook with almost no oil or butter, I season to taste but don’t overdo it, I go for a walk down by the beach at least three times per day.

So in my view, I gained 60 pounds in six months, but with the amount of effort I’m making to change my lifestyle, I should be able to lose those 60 pounds in only six weeks. Instead, I’m probably lucky to be losing a pound a week. Yes, I realize that slowly losing weight is considered to be “better for you” and give you a greater chance at long-term success, but that’s the exact bullshit I’m calling out in this post.

If there is a God, then he royally screwed us over on a number of facts about food, exercise, eating, and diet. Everything in the universe comes with a certain give-and-take, but I don’t think that whoever made up the rules about food is giving us enough leeway and cutting us enough slack when we do the right thing. That’s why I’ve decided to come up with a few new rules.

The following are what I think should be changed about the rewards for eating certain foods and doing certain things to be a healthier, brighter, more fit member of society. I definitely like the way I feel over the past few weeks, but I want to move faster towards liking the way I look. Here’s what I would change about food:

You can eat literally all the fruits and vegetables you want

Over the last few months, I’ve made it a habit to buy vegetables every single time I go to the store. I typically get a lot of mushrooms, some cucumber, tomatoes (which are NEVER on sale), celery, baby carrots, and peppers. I also look for good deals on raspberries, blueberries, banan’s, grapes, pineapple, melons, and other fruits. Then I’ll consume these foods. A lot of them.

Now, I realize that fruits and veggies are good for you but I can’t help but think that it’s total bullshit that if I want to sit down and eat, I don’t know, 500 cherries, that I’m doing something wrong! If it came right out of the damn Earth, then I should be able to eat as many as I want. They say that “everything is better in moderation” but I should need a moderator when I’m just trying to veg out (pun INTENDED! PUNS ARE ALSO NOT BETTER MODERATION!) on some celery. And not just celery, but ants on a log! Peanut butter by itself or peanut butter on white bread should come with all the fat and calories expected of peanut butter.

But if you put that tasty, delicious, creamy peanut butter on a VEGETABLE, then it should reduce in fat and calories by at least 50%. I’ve made a sacrifice already of my delivery device of said peanut butter, so please cut me some slack!

Fish that doesn’t taste very good is fat and calorie-free

I love seafood, like most people that aren’t big ass idiots. (haha) In fact, I’ve had shrimp four times this week and I have some king crab legs in my fridge that’ll get boiled up this weekend. I assume this stuff is probably high in some sort of fat and sodium content (but still better than a Big Mac) so I’m good with it. But sometimes I go to the store and buy fish that’s on sale, some cod or some bullshit I don’t know (I don’t really know names of fish, I just buy based on price), and then cook it up and then immediately spit that shit out like I’m an overgrown baby eating carrot puree.

If you’re a fish and you taste like shit, then I’m allowed to fill up on you and it’s like eating air. Sure, I’ll cover up your disgusting fishy flavors with hot sauce and other things that help get you down by gullet, but the fish itself had a daily nutritional value of: Nothing.

Carrot cake is as healthy as carrots

How could carrot cake be bad for you? I personally like carrot cake, but that’s 95% because of the frosting, and because almost all other cakes are amazing.

The game is fucking rigged.

If you put butter on any vegetable, the butter becomes fat-free

This should be a given.

Drinking wine? You’ll be fine!

A beer could have anything from 150-300 calories. A shot of liquor could have anything from 90 to over a couple hundred calories, in just a single 1.5 oz glass. A single glass of red wine might be around 150 calories.

And people wonder why there’s a drug problem in this country! Because weed has zero calories. (ifyoudontcountthemunchies)

I have almost completely given up beer, because it is about the worst thing you can do to your waist line if you’re trying to lose weight and get drunk. The website GetDrunkNotFat.com grades different alcohols based on their individual alcohol-content levels and how many calories per serving, telling you what’s best to drink and worst to drink if you’re trying to lose weight and party. I’m always trying to do both of those things! A pure alcoholic drink like Everclear is basically the best bang-for-your-butt because there are basically no additives that try and make the alcohol easier to drink. Even at 226 calories per shot, Everclear is the best option because you’ll probably pass out long before you end up consuming 2,000 calories. Compare that to a Bud Light, which is 110 calories per can but with only 4.2% ABV. Now, if I drink 10 Bud Lights in 30 minutes, I’ll probably be able to blackout at only 1,110 calories consumed. But if your goal is not to black out, but to socialize at a party or at a sporting event, I could see myself downing beer after beer with only a buzz but gaining 2,220 calories by the end of the day just in liquid wheat.

And I’m the type of guy that likes a beer with a lot of kick, a lot of hops, anything that’s dark and bounces, basically.

I haven’t had a drink in a couple weeks, but when I am drinking I tend to go with cheap whiskey or cheap Merlot. And I don’t add anything to the whiskey except for ice, which turns out to be about as good as I can do (Jack Daniels grades as an A+ on the site) but I’m a big guy so I’m not having two glasses of whiskey or two glasses of wine. I need a little more than that. Humans need an alcohol option that’s basically like drinking water, and I propose that it should be wine.

It comes from fruit. What more do we need to know? I’ve already said that fruits are a-okay from now on, so if I can make fucking ALCOHOL out of those fruits, then not only should you be free-and-clear to drink as much as you want until you pass out, but you’re a god damn wizard!

You can choose one candy

Over the course of your entire lifetime, you get to choose one type of candy, be it a bar, or a bag, a chocolate or a fruit, to be your “guilt-free” candy that you can eat to your heart’s content. Haven’t we earned it? Be it Skittles, Peanut M&M’s, Take 5, 100 Grand Bar, Starburst, or Jelly Belly, you can eat as much of that one candy as you want to over the course of your whole life. Every other candy is the regular amount of 200 calories per serving, but this one you get to have without any of the consequences. It’s your choice.

But if you choose circus peanuts or Necco wafers, you will be labeled a freak and you’ll have to live with that choice. Freak.

Eating while on a treadmill cancels each other out

Yep!

One scoop of ice cream per week = 0 calories

Oh, you’ve worked a long ass week and it’s Friday night and you think you deserve just one big ass scoop of Cherry Garcia???

Me too, go for it. This one’s a freebie!

Soup doesn’t have that much sodium anymore

You compromised your lunch today and had minestrone soup. Yeah, I get it, I like soup too. But it’s still a compromise — no soup other than baked potato soup is on my top 50 foods — and yet you’re sacrificing satisfaction without sacrificing calories, fat, and especially, sodium. How in the hell is that fair? If I wanted salt water for lunch, I’d go swim in the ocean. From now on though, soup actually doesn’t have that much sodium. If you want to relax on a rainy day with a turkey sandwich and chicken soup, go for it and drink all the remnants when you’re done with the chunks. There’s not that much sodium in it, and it’s just as salty and yellow as it was before. Mmmm Mmmm great. 

You ate a salad for dinner? Tomorrow’s dinner will have half-off calories

You made one sacrifice, here’s a reward.

If you go to the trouble of eating a salad for dinner, and I’m talking about lettuce and vegetables only, no chicken, bacon, or cheese, and with a low-fat dressing like Italian or Vinaigrette, then it’s basically like eating negative calories. The more you consume, the more you’ll be able to consume for the next 24 hours. If you eat two pounds of salad today, go ahead and treat yourself to two pounds of red meat tomorrow… at half the calories! Or maybe you eat that shitty salad today and then tomorrow, eat the same salad but slab on chicken, bacon, cheese, and ranch dressing! Then you’ll forget all about that shit salad you ate the day before.

And also be one step closer to looking how you want to look. That’s the way it should be!

 

 

 

Pros and cons and cons: A (spoil-free) review of Orange is the New Black season 2

June 8, 2014 § Leave a comment

“Have you ever heard the fable about the frog and the scorpion?”

This is a line spoken by one of the characters in the middle of the second season of Orange is the New Black. It seems like an innocent-nothing sentence, something you’d forget immediately, but it stuck with me. Especially since the character never goes on to tell what the fable is.

“Let me guess, you’re the scorpion.”

I had to look it up myself.

A scorpion comes across a frog next to a river and asks for a ride to the other side. The frog says he won’t do it, because he’s afraid the scorpion will sting and kill him, but the scorpion explains he wouldn’t do that. If he did, the frog would die in the middle of the river, killing them both. That makes perfect sense to the frog, so he obliges the scorpion. However, halfway to the other side, the scorpion does indeed sting the frog. As they’re both about to die, the frog asks “Why? Why’d you do it?” and the scorpion replies, “It’s in my nature. I have to. I’m a scorpion.”

The moral of the story is that we’re all bound to our nature. We can’t help who we are and we must do what we’re meant to do. The scorpion may have killed them both, but it was the frog who was at fault. He knew the dangers and still associated himself with a scorpion anyway. The frog doomed himself, he had no innocence.

In the first season of Orange is the New Black, the show mostly focuses on Piper Chapman, a frog that aligned herself with the scorpion Alex Vause. Even if she’s not a bad person by nature, she was never innocent of the crimes she was convicted for.

The second season still focuses mainly on Piper, but to a much lesser degree. We still get to see Piper traverse her way through women’s prison as a “frog out of water” but the foundations built in season one for supporting characters start to become houses of their own. Specifically, how the other inmates handle a new prisoner, known simply as “Vee.”

Red and Gloria were the heads of their own prison “gangs” in season one, but Vee proves to be a scorpion that’s smarter and more dangerous than any other character in the shows short history. There are a lot of subplots going on in the second season of Orange is the New Black, but Vee’s presence dominates above all, including whatever is going on with Piper. Whether or not her subplot is completely satisfying by the end is tough to say, but overall there’s still enough in the show to keep watching through to the final 92-minute season finale.

If you’ve binge-watched away a weekend like I just did, you still have to ask yourself: “Did this scorpion just sting me?”

Grade: B-

Pros and Cons

Pro – #YesAllWomen

I’m not exactly a “Patton Oswalt” when it comes to the #YesAllWomen bandwagon, but if he’s not a fan of OitNB then he’s a big fat hypocrite. I say that in the sense that this is a rare show that employs the following types of actors:

Women.

Old women.

Black women.

Fat women.

Latina women.

Middle-aged women.

Unattractive (sorry, I won’t name names) women.

In fact, they even hire Taryn Manning and then say, “Okay, let’s fuck up this whole face!” The youngest women in the show are portrayed as meth-heads and as we all know, meth isn’t exactly doing anyone’s face any favors.

Maybe she’s born with it

Maybe it’s Meth!

Manning is hot. Tayler Schilling (Piper) is hot. Laura Prepon (Alex) is so hot that I wanna cut my dick off and become a lesbian. And even then, Prepon is absent for most of the season. (Not a spoiler, this was well-known since last year.) You’d think that a show about a women’s prison would feel the need to hire a ton of hot girls in order to attract male viewers, but overall OitNB is true to what you would expect from a real women’s prison.

I also don’t know what it means that I think one of the most beautiful women on the show is also the one that most looks like a boy (Poussay, the black girl with the short hair) but I’m working through it.

Con – The stakes always stay in the same place

Despite taking place in prison, I never feel scared for any of the characters. In fact, I even had to catch myself a few times when I’d think, “Hmm, prison doesn’t seem so bad!”

I like a lot of these people, but I worry for none of them. Piper never seems to be in any danger, and in this season, had no enemies at all. It was like watching Felicity except it just so happens that Felicity is in prison while all her family/relationship drama takes place.

I like Crazy Eyes, but she’s only a danger to herself.

I like Daya, but her biggest concern is bowel movements.

I love Lorna, and wish she’d stalk me and threaten my life, but nothing ever happens.

In fact, that’s probably been a problem for series creator Jenji Kohan since she hit it big with Weeds. That show was really, really good for the first few seasons because you could feel it building towards something huge and then eventually… it doesn’t. There are no consequences for anyone’s actions. And if there are consequences, they dissipate faster than real life problems do.

The prison just seems to be a setting, and provides no further use to move along the story. There is very little sense of danger for most of the season, except in some of the backstories that take place outside of prison.

Pro – Now that’s comedy!

Much like with Weeds, I can still watch because it’s funny. I’m just not sure how much longer a 60-minute show can hold my attention if it’s mostly just for some laughs. You could binge-watch a season of Weeds on a Saturday and not feel wasted away. I fell asleep four times(!) this weekend and had to keep going back to where I left off.

I know this is a “Pro” and I don’t want to divert away from that. I laughed out loud plenty of times, and I really, really do like the characters.

Con – Timing is everything and nothing

It would be a mini-spoiler to say how much time passes throughout the season but then again, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH TIME PASSES. We get to know very few of the inmates sentences and how much time they have left. We barely know what they were in for and for how long. That’s clearly a decision by Kohan, but it’s also extremely distracting.

In the beginning of the season, we’re introduced to a new inmate named Brook Soso. (Oh yeah I forgot, Brook is hot.) Then Vee comes in a little later. That’s as much as you can really expect to get out of inmates coming and going.

It’s really frustrating to sit there and not know if someone is in for two more months or 10 more years. They talk about people getting sent to “max” so I assume nobody is in there for life or because they committed murder, but I honestly have no idea.

It’s kept a mystery to us. Even with every episode having a backstory of another character, we still know very little about what got most of the inmates locked up and for how long. Even Piper’s sentence is only mentioned once.

I’d think that your release date and how far away it is would be a common topic of conversation, but it’s possible that it’s the last thing they’d want to think about. BUT THINK ABOUT IT ONCE IN AWHILE.

Overall:

I just wish the show had a little more evil in it. These women are all prisoners, and so far none of them have shown a hint of being innocent, but only one of them (and not Vee) actually made me think “Holy shit, that chick will kill a bitch.” And it’s not who you think. It’s not even a main character.

Prison seemed a lot more like a vacation in season two, and I never worried for anyone. Kohan is one of the great “cliffhanger writers” in TV, but in season two of OitNB, I just kept watching because it’s entertaining enough.

And maybe because I’m a loser with nothing better to do on a weekend, but that’s neither here nor there. Maybe if I want more friends, I could get locked up. After all, she makes prison seem pretty cool.

The threads from season one, including Piper vs Red, Piper in love with Alex, Bennett and Daya and Mendez, were just a bit stronger than this year’s which included a lot of time dedicated to a mini-hunger strike and some plumbing bills.

I’d still stick with a B- and if you loved season one, you’ll definitely like season two. Like.

 

 

 

Everything stupid about The Purge, part one

April 8, 2014 § 12 Comments

I went to go see The Purge in the theaters during opening weekend. It was one of the rare times over the last few years where I was actually excited enough about a movie to go see it right when it came out. All three of us thought it was going to be a really fun horror/thriller due to a good trailer and a fascinating concept:

Once a year, all bets are off. For 12 hours, you can do whatever you feel like and there won’t be any legal consequences.

Seems like exactly the type of original story from Hollywood that people beg for on a daily basis, but there was one glaring problem: The Purge is one of the stupidest fucking movies I’ve ever seen. All three of us came out of the theater half appalled and half in tears from laughter because of the sheer amount of stupidity. It seemed like it only got dumber and dumber as it went on.

Just when you thought the movie couldn’t get any stupider, it did. In that way, The Purge is worth the viewing. In another way, it’s simply one of the dumbest movies I’ve ever seen. Not quite “so bad it’s good” like The Room or Birdemic, but as far as concepts and character decisions go, it’s more outlandish and ridiculous than anything I’ve ever seen.

I tried to fit everything stupid about The Purge in one post, but I barely made it into the second act before I had filled up a really long post. Here’s the first part of what’s so stupid about this movie.

The opening title:

America. 2022.

Unemployment is at 1%.

Crime is at an all-time low.

Violence barely exists.

With one exception…

“Blessed be the New Founding Fathers for letting us Purge and cleanse our souls, Blessed be America, a nation reborn.”

Why it’s stupid:

According to the Bureau of Labor, the current unemployment rate is 6.7%. That’s down from a high of 10% in October of 2009. The lowest it has been in the last 10 years is 4.4%, as recently as May of 2007.

Isn’t it reasonable then to see our country get down to 3% unemployment… without allowing them to murder and rape and violate each other once a year?!?!

“Crime is at an all-time low… except for that thing where we’ll look the other way, even if you dismember your own children and eat their flesh. As long as it’s only on this one night! Thank God we eliminated crime though, am I right!?”

We have laws to protect us from being murdered and raped and pillaged for a reason, and I don’t know why “Having a little patience before you kill someone” is a reasonable excuse for ignoring that. I agree that The Purge had a great concept, but assuming that it would happen as a way to curb violence (and raise employment? I don’t understand the connection) is stupid.

Opening credits:

We see “Purge Feed” footage of people killing each other in the streets on March 21st of every year (this is also supposedly going to start happening within five years, you guys! Fuck, who did we elect after Obama? He sounds like a son of a bitch.) while Clair de Lune plays.

Why it’s stupid:

Beautiful classical music playing over violence is so fucking cliche. Ugh.

Also we set the scene for this happening every year on March 21st. Maybe I’m picking nits,  but why not set it for the summer? As we see later on, the kids are coming home from school that day. So on the day of the purge, we let our kids go to school, and presumably, it’s a school night! What if one of your kids misses the bus and has to walk home that day?

Oh fucking well, your son is dead!

And I think we’re burying the lede here a bit: Everybody gets to watch CCTV footage of the entire city. Is that a year-round thing or just on one night? Seems like some costly infrastructure to set in place for just 12 hours of viewing every year. I want to see the movie that takes place on a regular day, do people just watch CCTV footage of the local bar, strip club, grocery store, restaurant and jerk off? Tell me more about that!

“You’re number one sir!”

We see our lead, Ethan Hawke, and he’s driving home in his nice car, through his nice neighborhood, and quickly he establishes on a phone call that he sells home security systems for the purge. After that he calls his secretary and asks her if she’s heard the news yet.

She says, “Yep, you’re number one. You came out on top.”

Why it’s stupid:

This is supposedly one of the biggest moments of his career and he found out after the work day was over, on a phone call with his secretary. Why wouldn’t his boss tell him during the day, in a meeting, with a big celebration and a gold watch or some bullshit? This is how he finds out?

AND WHY ON THE DAY OF THE PURGE?!?!

“Great news everyone, we did it. Go out and celebrate! Hope you don’t die though, seriously.”

Talk radio:

Hawke then turns on talk radio and it’s your average DJ taking calls from around the country to find out how people will spend their purge. There’s even more pounding home of how people love their security system. A guy talking about how he’s going to kill his boss.

Then he pulls up next to a neighbor and is like “Yeah, you do your system check like I recommended?”

and the dude is like “Yup, it works great” (remember this stuff for later)

And he’s like “Great, I have the same one. Only the best, my dude!”

Why it’s stupid:

This is what I’m talking about with the whole concept of the purge not working. This guy is like “Yeah, I’m gonna hunt down my boss and kill him.” Would anyone blame him for that? No. And yet the opening title sequence says, “Unemployment is at 1%.” What it should say is “Unemployment is at 1% and bosses being murdered is at 43% so that’s why we keep having to hire new people.”

The concept of the movie is that people need to release all their tension of not being able to murder people by being able to murder people one night a year. It also assumes that everyone is going to murder a stranger.

It’s pretty common knowledge that you’re much more likely to be killed by someone you know than by a stranger. “Hey fuck you, dad! I hate you, mom! Okay, now lock us inside the house together so that nobody will come kill us.”

Also, what are the insurance laws about murder on the purge? Can you kill your wife and collect the insurance money? I’m imagining that on purge night, people just kill their spouses in record numbers.

But thank god you bought that security system from Ethan Hawke!

(By the way, I honestly don’t think that very many people have bloodlust. I fear what the writer of this movie thinks about the rest of us. Or what he secretly wants to do to us.)

The odds of being murdered are very, very, ridiculously low. It was recently ranked as the 16th-leading cause of death in the U.S., and just 1% of deaths a year ago were a result of murder. Out of those, only 30% were the result of an attempted felony, like robbery.

If the number was more like, 15%, then maybe I could see a need for a night of death and destruction. But we’re honestly putting EVERYBODY at risk, to appease like 30,000 people that really wish they could kill someone and get away with it.

Yeah, that makes so much fucking sense. GOD THIS MOVIE IS SO STUPID.

DID I MENTION THEY MADE A SEQUEL?

“Release the Beast”

The tag line for The Purge, the day not the movie, is “Release the Beast.” People keep saying it to each other and on the radio.

Why it’s stupid:

God, that’s so fucking stupid.

“We got an hour before commencement.”

There are 62 minutes until the start of The Annual Purge and Hawke gets home and kisses his wife Lena Headley, who is just making dinner all la-dee-frickin-da and having a great, wonderful day.

Why it’s stupid:

This is like the fifth or sixth year of the purge, you know, that night where you can rape and murder people and do whatever the fuck you want, and this family is acting like it’s just another day. Like it’s the fourth of fucking July.

How could you possibly be used to the purge already? THIS ISN’T A FUCKING JOKE, YOU COULD BE MURDERED TONIGHT.

This scientist:

Lena Headley then sees her attention turn to the TV of this scientist talking about why the purge is necessary to “contain societal violence.”

Screen Shot 2014-04-08 at 12.46.48 PM

Why it’s stupid:

Oh, five seconds ago you were acting like the purge was no big deal and now you’re interested in what this scientist has to say about it?

Also, fuck this scientist.

Purges: How do they work?!

Lena also tells Ethan that their daughter Zoe has been a real bitch all day and he needs to take care of this “Henry situation.” Really? Hasn’t she been at school all day? As we’ll see in a second, she’s also in her room with Henry, so how much have you actually seen her today? For like, two seconds before she ran up to her room to fuck her boyfriend?

“Let’s growl”

We see Zoe and Henry kissing up in her room and I’m pretty sure he’s about to fingerblast her when she says, “I love you.”

Then Henry says, “Let’s growl”

Screen Shot 2014-04-08 at 12.50.22 PM

Why it’s stupid:

Henry suggests that instead of saying “I love you” like everyone else, they should growl at each other.

I seriously want to jump off of a bridge.

“You have to get home before lockdown”

Zoe tells her stupid boyfriend (If Ethan Hawke doesn’t kill this growling moron, I will. This is the only reason for a purge; to kill douchebags like this one. “Let’s Growl”!? Holy fucking shit.) that he has to get home before lockdown. Which must be like 50 minutes away by now.

And he’s like “Aww man.”

Why it’s stupid:

Seriously, how can Ethan sell all these home security systems when it seems like nobody is actually all that concerned about the one night a year where I’m legally allowed to do whatever I want to you and your entire family?

Not that I have the bloodlust, but apparently some people do!

Get your ass home and be with your family, and hope they don’t kill you, you fucking idiot. “Let’s growl” fuck you!

“Let me sharpen my machete here in the backyard”

As Henry is leaving, we see Zoe’s neighbor sharpening his machete in his backyard.

Why it’s stupid:

Even if it’s legally allowed, doesn’t anyone in this purge universe have any moral obligations to themselves and everyone else? Or am I the only one that doesn’t want America to turn into the Tutsis and the Hutus?

“Oh, hey Mr. Smith! Nice looking machete! Whatcha gonna do with it?”

“This little thing? Gonna chop off my wife’s arms and legs tonight while I have the chance!”

“Okay great! Good luck! I totally don’t think you’re a creepy weirdo, since it’s the night of the purge and all.”

“That makes total sense.”

“Agreed. Total sense.”

My goodness. So stupid.

“I made you some fucking cookies, I don’t hate you at all, look at how much I’m smiling, this isn’t weird!”

So then the neighbor-lady Grace comes by bearing cookies as gifts for Lena Headley. Seriously it’s 30 minutes to the purge, get in your fucking houses.

Then this other dude and his wife drive by and they are all smiles too. Seriously, everyone in this movie is so damn “happy.” “Those cookies are crazy-good” says the guy driving the car.

Then Lena grabs the cookies but the bitch Grace won’t let them go. (Hmm, what’s that about?!) and they start walking up to the house. Grace is like “Oh wow, the new addition to your house is sick as fuck. You guys had a really good year, much better than the rest of us. Your husband sold a security system to everyone in this community. Some people think we basically paid for the addition to your home. We bought this shit and what did you do for us? Just gave us the security systems we asked for.”

Then she literally does say to Lena, “You’re too sensitive.” because she got offended by the fact that all the neighbors hate them for selling them shit. What a bitch.

Why it’s stupid:

Beyond the fact that the movie is now giving us all this seemingly-needless exposition (spoiler alert: why the fuck would they keep bringing up the money, the success of the family, the security systems, the cookie plate she won’t let go of, the false niceness, if it wasn’t coming back for an even more pointless “surprise” later on?) it’s also just really fucking stupid.

“You’re a real sensitive piece of shit. All I said was that the whole neighborhood hates you for selling us stuff. We’d have more money if we hadn’t bought stuff, and you’d have less money if we hadn’t bought stuff from you. Bitch.”

Charlie

So Lena and Ethan also have a really stupid-looking son named Charlie. He creeps up behind his mom trying to look up her dress with this creepy looking doll on wheels. It’s like a Roomba for Charlie Manson.

Screen Shot 2014-04-08 at 1.11.01 PM

He’s controlling it from a hidden little cubbyhole in his closet. I’m sure this won’t come back again later.

Why it’s stupid:

Who wouldn’t worry about their son if he took a doll, burned half of it off, added a red LED light to it’s eye, put it on wheels, added a spycam to it, and drove it around the house sneaking up on his mom and seeing what she’s up to?

At least Lena Headley is used to “family fun” from her days on the Game of Thrones set.

“It’s stupid”

Ethan and his family are sitting around the table and says, “Okay, everybody tell me about your day.” and then Charlie has some sort of heart condition and says “It’s nothing to worry about” but has to check his vitals or some shit.

Then Ethan is like “Okay Zoe, tell me about your fucking day.” and she says “I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s stupid.”

Why it’s stupid:

Finally, somebody says something in this movie that is fucking reasonable. I like to think that the actress playing Zoe was actually looking at the director when she said that. It wasn’t a line in the script. She was just speaking openly and honestly:

“I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s stupid.”

Also, Lena says that there are “no carbs” in their dinner that night (This is exposition that I actually think we DON’T need) but I’m 99% sure that the only food I definitely see is carrots.

Carrots have carbs, honey.

“I did it.”

But Ethan Hawke actually just wants to tell the family HIS news.

“I did it. I did it. All sales are final, and I’m on top. My division sold the most upgraded security systems.”

He’s so fucking excited. Like, it’s the best thing that has ever happened to him. And the result is… “Way to go, hon.” “Good job, dad.” and that’s it. Even Ethan is like, “Okay, what’s next.”

Why it’s stupid:

It reminds me of the scene in Birdemic where Rod makes a sale for a million dollars (with a 50% discount) and is like “Yes. Sweet. I did it.”

The Purge is, on many levels, as stupid or dumber than Birdemic.

The Ferrins are having a party

Grace’s family is having a party on the night of the purge. It seems like people can go in and out.

Why it’s stupid:

…..

…..

…..

…..

THE FERRINS ARE THROWING A FUCKING PARTY! ON THE NIGHT OF THE PURGE! BECAUSE WHAT A FUN FUCKING NIGHT TO PARTY AND HAVE ALL YOUR GUESTS OVER AND GO NUTS! WOOOO! PARTAY!!!!!

Lockdown!

Finally, it’s time to lockdown. Honestly, it seems like a lot happened in that “62 minutes until Annual Purge” but whatever. Ethan and his family look over the neighborhood with their many, many security cams (but hmmm… could they have still overlooked something? He’s only THE SECURITY GUY.) and they lock shit down and he gets his gun.

Also, this is a gun that Ethan Hawke owns.

Screen Shot 2014-04-08 at 1.25.06 PM

Jesus, man.

And I’d also note that this is the year 2022, but really all of the technology seems in line with what we had in 2013. They lock shit down with iPads, basically. Man, we really stopped trying after Steve Jobs died.

Why it’s stupid:

Because this whole movie is stupid. I’m exhausted. I’m only 15 minutes into the movie but I’ve been writing for two hours.

What a stupid, piece of shit movie.

“Police, fire and emergency medical services will be unavailable until tomorrow morning at 7 am, when the Purge conclues.”

That’s a message, word-for-word, on the TV screen at the start of the purge.

Why it’s stupid:

I have a couple of questions. First of all, what’s going on with time zones? Did we eliminate them? 7 am ET? Is it a rolling purge, like New Years? Can I start in New York then if I still feel like killing more people, start heading west? How does this make any sense? Is school and work cancelled for the next day? What if I have to go to work at 5 am? WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS?

Second of all, YOU’RE TURNING OFF 911 and ALL MEDICAL, FIRE SERVICES? I understand police, I guess, but what if my grandpappy has a heart attack?! It’s 12 whole hours, how many thousands of people will die of accidents and other shit that they didn’t deserve? I guess you’re just absolutely FUCKED if anything happens to you during the 12 hours of purge, even if it’s not due to the purge.

Jesus. JESUS. WHAT THE SHIT!? WHAT THE JESUS?!!!!!!! GOD DAMN THIS MOVIE.

I am only 17 minutes into the movie and quickly approaching 3,000 words. I need to take a break. We’ll see if I can even bother to continue this, but look at how much stupid we already have… and Oh God, the ending is the stupidest part.

 

 

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