August 6, 2013 § 5 Comments
The first time I moved out of my home, I was 20. I wasn’t fearful at all, I was excited to “live by my own rules” and “eat as much ice cream as I want!” as I embarked from Bellevue, Washington to Pullman, Washington, where I would be transferring to Washington State University. (Fun fact*: The state doesn’t get it’s name from the first president of the United States, but from the heavy rains. Locals would peer upon the wet grass and mud and say, “Damn look at that. The rain sure is washing ton’s of cows away into the ocean!” is what they’d say, mmhmm they would.)
I spent the next three years in Pullman, living with roommates — a different person each year — before moving back home after graduating in 2006. I know what you’re thinking. ”Nice, you graduated in three years!” but please remember that I transferred from a two-year school. So I’m about as smart or as ambitious as that.
*not really a fact
As ambitious as a boy that moved back in with his mother following graduation, because for some reason I did not receive a bundle of cash after I had finished my schooling. Nobody came up to me on graduation day and said “Hey Kenny, here’s your $100,000 and a job. Good work on finishing school!” Rather, for whatever reason, they handed me a diploma that said “Good luck, lol” and a bill. I had to find comfortable lodging as I searched for a job, and I guess living with mom is about as comfortable as it gets.
After two years of doing that, I had finally decided that I was safe enough to move out, be an adult, and traverse the obstacles of adulthood as a man. A man!!!
Now I’m 30 and I’m still not sure that I’m even close to being a man, let alone an adult, but I’m working on it. One of the major pieces of that is becoming I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that means? It means having my own job, my own car, and yes, a studio apartment down by the beach.
That first time that I had moved out after graduation, I made my first real cardinal mistake of being an adult and living somewhere: Picking a good roommate. The criteria for which I was accepting of a roommate at the time were as follows:
- “Oh, you’re looking for a roommate? Me too.”
And that’s it.
I moved into a two-bedroom apartment with someone I had been acquainted with in college, we’ll call him “John” (because that’s his name), and I really didn’t think it could be all that bad? What was the worst case scenario, really? How bad would it be? Well, since I’m here writing this and not a murdered pile of fleshy Kenny, I would say that the worst case scenario did not come true.
But it was pretty close.
Whereas I had mostly mentally graduated from college (or at least came to the realization that Pullman was a town of literally about 80% students and not a Seattle suburb) John didn’t understand that. Immediately it became obvious that music would be played loud throughout the night, drinking (and smoking) buddies would be staying around for as long as they wanted, and parties would be thrown during any day of the week.
Did I strongly emphasize enough the fact that we were living in a quiet suburb apartment complex next to little old ladies and 30-somethings with kids? Or that I had a girlfriend at the time and all we liked to do was watch movies and enjoy quiet nights indoors, with little interest in the activities that John and his friends were interested in? But more than anything, I didn’t want to get evicted, so I just needed to find a way out.
Less than two months after we moved in, I was in Vegas with my girlfriend when I got a voice mail from John.
“Yo. We’ve been evicted.” What a perfect phone call to get when you’re on vacation in Vegas. All of a sudden I was a Loser, Loser, Chicken Bruiser.
I’ve spent the last four and a half years living with my best friend here in Los Angeles and I think that the length of time says enough about the best roommate situation I’ve ever had. Moving in with someone you’re not that familiar with or not that comfortable with has turned out to be an 0-for-4 situation for me. Oh, I’ve seen situations like this work out before for other people, friends of mine that have made lifelong friends with people that they’ve moved in with blindly, but I’m not one of those people.
I realize that living with me is something that many people cannot do, and I realize that for me, I can’t just live with anybody. It also helps knowing that your roommate is not a complete douchehole.
I’d say that’s a proper way to describe my first roommate in Pullman. Literally knowing nobody there, I moved in with a friend of a friend. He seemed like a nice guy, but I actually knew on our very first day of living together that this was not going to work out. We didn’t spend any time together for that year, and that turned into a blessing in disguise.
By being forced to venture out to find new friends, I would eventually meet the same dude that was my roommate for the last four and a half years.
My second year in school I moved in with a friend from those venturing out days. We are still friends today (though not close friends) but the truth is that he just took massive dumps and clogged the toilet every day.
My third roommate was a friend from high school, and again still a friend today, but I made the mistake of agreeing to a deal where his friend would sleep in the living room. It was college and you save money however you can, but I would describe this friend (we’ll call him “Chris” because that’s his name) as one of the worst people I’ve ever met. An evil person. The devil.
So the only successful roommate situations I have ever found are the ones where you know this person as well as you know anyone, but also you must understand that at times our friendship has been tested. Most people shouldn’t spend that much time with anyone that they’re not fucking, and that’s just a scientific fact.
And so it becomes that in two weeks I will be getting my own studio apartment down by the beach. Now at age 30, I knew that I have gone past the point of being young enough or broke enough to still have a roommate. If you want to be a grown-ass man, you have to get your own damn place.
A place where you can bring home a girl (as if that happens all the time now) and not have to run clearance before hand.
A place where I can walk around naked (seeing me naked has now overtaken “snakebites” as most common ways people die each year) without fear of persecution.
A place where I can go home and do whatever I want without feeling an obligation to ask someone else, “So…. what do you want to do?”
There is nothing “adult” about having a roommate. You have to be completely independent.
And that’s what this series is about: Growing up.
I don’t know what it has been like for previous generations of men, but I can tell you that it’s becoming blatantly obvious for my generation that we’re pushing the idea of men acting like kids well into their late-30s and early 40s at a significantly high rate. If you watch Judd Apatow movies, you’ve got something like “This Is 40″ (Which previously would have been called “This Is 30″ in the 60s) but many more examples in that group of comedians where dudes can’t even hold themselves together long enough to talk to a girl, let alone have a wife and kids:
This is the End
Zack and Miri Make a Porno
TV shows like:
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
And it’s not just guys…
What about the show Girls? Mid-20s females that can’t maintain healthy, long-term relationships. Or even the movie Bridesmaids, that featured a lot of women where one was getting married, one couldn’t get her life together, one was picking up air marshals…
And Kirsten Wiig as a woman who couldn’t get her shit together… she wasn’t 22-years-old. She was in her 30s. That’s not something I remember seeing much of in media when I was a kid.
When I think back to guy comedies in the 80s, for some reason I keep thinking about Stripes with Bill Murray and Harold Ramis. Here’s a movie about two immature guys that join the Army because they don’t like their jobs. I kept thinking that Murray and Ramis must’ve been in their mid-twenties, but maybe that’s because it came out before I was born. (Movie: 1981, Me: 1982.)
But Murray was about 30 and Ramis was actually about 36.
Still, people are “maturing” or maybe it’s more accurate to say “doing adult things” at later and later ages. American women are getting married on average, at age 27. My grandmother got married when she was 16. Women in the UK are marrying after 30. And only about a quarter of black women in the US are married. A quarter.
I don’t think that I have any need to get married, but there’s certainly some steps I can take to “grow up” a little bit. Are there 25 of them? We will find out.
I take the first step in a couple weeks when I move into my new place. It’s actually not my first studio apartment. After John got us evicted I was scrambling to find a new place to live, while also trying to convince renters that I was not the reason I had been kicked out of the apartment. I would get John to tell them, do whatever it took, but getting evicted from an apartment is one of the worst things that can happen to you. Finally a place had accepted my application and taken my deposit, but then they called a few days later to say that now they had found out I was evicted from my last place and they wouldn’t be taking me on.
I pleaded with them to reconsider, that they had already taken my money, but they still refused. Since I was at work and couldn’t go pick up the money I had given them, I had asked my girlfriend at the time if she could do it for me since she worked right by the place. It turned out that when she went in there she broke down crying in front of them, telling the story of the roommate from hell, and finally they relented.
I guess having a significant other does pay off sometimes.
I really enjoyed that place to myself, the place that I finally left a year later to move to Los Angeles. I think I’ll enjoy this one even more.
Next time on “25 steps to becoming a grown-ass man”: Go see the damn world!
July 28, 2013 § 7 Comments
Some might say that I have geared the topics on this blog towards women. That I pander to a female audience because I want girls to like me since they never really have before. Well, that’s just ridiculous you guys.
Anyways, let’s talk about the Backstreet Boys.
Actually, in many ways the Backstreet Boys are not gender-dependent. Even though boys made fun of groups like New Kids on the Block, BSB, and N’Sync at the times they were popular, the truth of the matter is that they are just as much a part of male culture as they are female culture. Though young girls may make up the majority of their concerts, it’s not like I didn’t have MTV. It’s not like I wasn’t paying attention to what girls like. We made fun of Backstreet Boys, but in actuality the music was catchy as hell, the videos were ridiculous, and really you might as well do the “can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” thing and see if that gets you anywhere with the ladies.
Because I’m certain that at least a million guys across the country in 1999 performed “I Want It That Way” in their high school gymnasium.
And the truth of that matter is that I do want it that way. I do want to tell Kevin the meaning of being lonely, since I’m sure he never is and I’m an expert. And I will show Nick the shape of my heart. (It’s just a regular heart shape. No no no, Nick, not like the box that candy comes in, that’s not very accurate.)
The only “problem” with being in a boy band is that you have a guaranteed shelf life of only a few years. Your target demographic is age-dependent, and when they grow up they’re starting to get sick of you. I mean, they’ll still go to your concerts when they’re 35 out of nostalgia, but no self-respecting experimental college girl is gonna hang up BSB posters in her dorm room. However, at this time the Backstreet Boys are back again and it’s not just for girls anymore.
A recent comedy geared towards 25-35 year old males had a surprise (I won’t say the movie and spoil the surprise) appearance by the Backstreet Boys and it was fucking great.
I was browsing YouTube today, wasting more and more of the few precious seconds of life I have left, and saw that Backstreet Boys had debuted a new music video for the song “In a World Like This.”
It’s not like it used to be.
A.J. has gone full-blown hipster:
Brian’s got a funny hat:
Nick cut his trademark bangs:
Kevin may or may not be 60:
And Howie is… actually, Classic Howie breakin’ it down after the second verse:
The video has been up for a week and it has 1.2 million views. WTF? 1.2 million? Imagine if this was 1998 and we had YouTube, the Boys would get 1.2 million views while Brian was taking a shit.
(But of course Brian is notorious for his long shits, as noted in their hit song “Brian’s Shit”)
Brian’s Shit isn’t on the list of Best 5 Backstreet Boys Videos Ever, but we have plenty others to choose from. It’s amazing to think how many times these guys struck a chord with an international audience. I don’t think you can look back on many bands, singers, or artists of the 90s and say that they had this many impactful hits.
These are the 5 greatest from Howie, AJ, Nick, Brian, and Kevin. (Howie first. Howie always first.)
5. Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely (1999, Millenium, 10.39 million views)
The video for “Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely” represents the groups serious and emotional side, while touching upon many real life situations that they were dealing with; including the opening frames of the video:
Denniz POP was a Swedish DJ that had basically worked with the group from the very beginning of their success, but had recently died of stomach cancer. Not to be confused with Denniz Franz, who had recently shown his butt on tv.
This is basically their “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday” ballad, even if it falls way short of that song. (And Boyz II Men in general, since they are the greatest group of all-time. No joke.)
It also meant that the group had to literally go from boys to men because the subject matter was so serious. For example, here’s Howie in a turtleneck:
Howie turns around and “Oh shit, Kevin looks serious”
Turtleneck sighting number two:
Each member has their own storyline, opening with Brian Littrell watching Brian Littrell die on an operating table. Which was probably really weird for him, since Brian himself had heart surgery the year prior and definitely could have died big time. If that would’ve happened, these dudes would’ve been a little more lonely to discover the meaning of it all, but nooooo Brian had to live.
Kevin is watching actual footage of him and his late father. Just the fact that it’s on 8MM proves indeed that Kevin Richardson is 60.
For Howie, he’s waiting for a girl in that 50s coffee shop, hotel bar or whatever it is and that girl represents his sister who had passed away a year earlier. Even for BSB, times can get rough. (As we would later see in the 2000s and so on.)
The five members of the group are by themselves and lonely but eventually meet up by the end of the video. The only problem is that now AJ is a ghost?
But the number one reason that “Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely” makes it into the top five is this:
AJ McLean in a dog collar, leather pants, and a leather cowboy hat on a bus:
4. As Long As You Love Me (1997, Backstreets Back, 15.44 million views)
“As Long As You Love Me” is one of the signature breakout US hits for the Boys. Though they had become a huge success in Europe already, they hadn’t found their chops in America until the release of Backstreets Back, which is actually just titled “Backstreet Boys” for the US release.
Whereas “Show Me The Meaning” showed the serious side, “As Long As You Love Me” shows that, “You know what, these guys know how to have fun too!”
We set the stage in an empty gym where auditions are going on. It’s unclear what they are auditioning for, whether they are auditioning as a group or separate, and if they’re auditioning for a group where are all the other people trying to audition?
Bouncy, bouncy, nothing to see here…
Sorry, I’ve got an important phone call!
And then these guys shuffle in looking like a wreck (and the audio sped up to a comical speed) and then they serve zero purpose for the rest of the video.
And then the door opens again and “Hey now what’s this?!”
This isn’t the first time that A.J. is gonna look super creepy. But then Nick is all like “Say whaaaat”
So then the auditions begin and it’s actually the GIRLS auditioning BOYS!!! Oh no they din’t!!! Nick is first up, and he’s absolutely SHOCKED that they want him to go up for the audition and the audition that he came to.
“You’re gonna do fine, guy I’m competing against or maybe not”
Oh shit, it’s about to get goofy up in this motherfucker
Hey dicks, there’s an audition going on while you talk on your phone, walk around, and dribble that basketball!
Oh, and then come the chairs…
And then Brian auditions and one lady says to the other lady, “Look this is the guy up there right now just in case you’re not watching.”
And then AJ grabs a remote and pulls his sunglasses down (as he is legally required to do every 15 minutes) and flips the script on these girls. Now they will do the auditioning! I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING!
Fun fact: Brian liked this one so much that he married her:
And then the video wraps up and they all get the part… or they don’t. It’s impossible to tell. I told you though that Howie wasn’t done being creepy:
3. Larger Than Life (1999, Millenium, 1.9 million views)
Michael and Janet Jackson had “Scream.” Jamiroquai had his one song. Even Jason Voorhees and Leprechaun went into space. Everybody’s gotta have either a “space” or “futuristic” or some sort of Sci-Fi moment in their career. BSB had “Larger Than Life.”
The video opens up with a countdown to midnight and then a Star Wars homage as a space ship passes over and their previous hits (which was already a pretty significant catalog) start to play in the background.
It’s the year 3000 and humanity has decided that the best possible use of technology is to preserve the Backstreet Boys. Even AJ.
But these dudes are having fun in space. They all appear to play multiple roles on the ship but none of them are as valuable as Nick Carter and the robots. This happens:
Brian Littrell is a robot but also one of the universes top “hover craft ball tube” players.
Even for AJ, this shirt was a poor choice.
But the video hardly featured Howie at all, so for that reason he can’t be any higher than third.
2. I Want It That Way (1999, Millenium, 71.79 million views)
“I Want It That Way” is by far their most-watched video on YouTube and it helped launch the much-anticipated album “Millenium” into the stratosphere. My favorite thing about the song itself is this little snippet from Wikipedia:
When Max came up with the original idea for the song, it already had the line ‘you are my fire, the one desire’. We tried a million different variations on the second verse, and finally we had to go back to what was sounding so great, ‘you are my fire, the one desire’. And then we changed it to ‘am I your fire, your one desire’, which made absolutely no sense in combination with the chorus – but everybody loved it!”
If that doesn’t sum up popular music (or popular anything) perfectly, I don’t know what does. ”This is stupid… but it sells! Fuck the free world!”
The video takes place at LAX and if you have ever flown in and out of LAX, you might be asking yourself “What god damn day were they there?” because there is plenty of space for them to walk around and it’s clean.
Why are these guys CONSTANTLY looking away and walking away from each other? Seems pretty rude.
You can genuinely tell that Nick Carter isn’t acting here after he says “Tell me why-ee!”
You can tell that the special effects were not done by James Cameron.
Okay, here is how Im going to explain AJ McLean. You ever create a character in like The Sims or Tiger Woods Golf? You ever have that one time where you just went too far while you were creating the character, and gave him or her way too many accessories and other features? Just because “pencil thin beard” is an option doesn’t mean you need to go for that and three other kinds of facial hair.
AJ is the over-abundant video game character you created once and immediately deleted.
And this 90-degree-arms robot move is something that has stuck with me for almost 15 years.
Sometimes I like to think that Howie is Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez
But the good thing is that the Backstreet Boys haven’t let success get to their heads.
So the guys start to perform in front of a crowd of their (I’m assuming) real fans and sure enough it seems like these girls are freakin’ out. Even over AJ.
No, to the left. Read the sign idiot.
Nick Carter saying “Oh no you din’t!”
In fact they all do the Dikembe throughout as they’re saying “Ain’t nothin” and “I never wanna hear you say…” something something. I can’t remember.
And now let’s debut the number one Backstreet Boys music video, MTV Making The Video 1999 style…
And now, the World Premiere of the new Backstreet Boys video…
1. Everybody (Backstreet’s Back) (1997, Backstreet Boys, 11.36 million views)
Oh my god, they’re back again.
The thing that I never understood about the song “Everybody” is that I didn’t know that Backstreet had gone anywhere. This seems like a song you would release in 2013 if you were the Boys, not in 1997. There weren’t a lot of people saying “I miss the Backstreet Boys, where’d they go?” in 1997 but either way they “returned” and gave us their best music video ever.
My favorite thing about the video is that it’s nothing like that single cover you see above. In fact, holy shit look at that single cover!!! At first I had to ask myself if several members of the original Backstreet Boys had been replaced.
Nick Carter looks like he’s 10 and he bleached his hair with bleach. Brian Littrell looks like the hardest 15-year-old kid in his private school. And I don’t even see AJ. Where’s AJ? That’s not AJ.
The video though is just like you would assume it would be about a song called “Everybody (Backstreets Back)”… it takes place in a haunted house?
“Everybody” is basically their “Thriller.” It has a storyline and several moments where the boys are acting before and after the video. The tour bus breaks down and the driver lets them into the house.
I don’t know.
That doesn’t seem very likely, because he’s a bus driver. I mean, I guess he’s the Backstreet Boys bus driver, but still, this is an old mansion. How did he… nevermind, maybe there’s a twist.
And then the boys decide to just go sleep in strange beds. Uhhh… Brian… whatcha doin?
And these special effects were provided by Dark Castle Entertainment, apparently.
Oh shit, Ballroom Dance tonight?! How lucky that the biggest boy band in the world happened to show up!
I mean, they REALLY wanted this to be Thriller.
But as soon as these boys get in character, it is on like
Donkey Kong Brian Littrell singing to the moon while dressed like a werewolf?
Thank you, Jesus
There is no way that a coffin is sanitary.
Here is the most toned down AJ McLean has ever been in a music video:
I’d love to see him try to actually sing with these teeth in:
I wouldn’t like to see Nick Carters teeth at all.
He’s literally saying “Am I sexual?” at this moment.
Oh, by the way:
And what I love about the lyrics of the song is that the group is saying:
“Am I original?”
“Am I the only one?”
“Am I sexual?”
They are the ones saying “Yeah” every time. So it’s like the individual members are going up to the bandmates and saying “Hey, do you guys think I’m sexual?”
“Of course, Nick!”
If I were to direct the video, though the lyrics are so diabolical that only a haunted house music video (in the same house that Casper was filmed in, by the way) would serve it right, I might have just had it as the guys sitting around talking to each other and affirming each other that they’re all original and sexual.
Yeah, I think that would’ve also made a great video.
But then again…
At the end of the video, the boys realize that it was all a dream and they start to leave the haunted mansion.
But then they realize (TWIST!) that the bus driver had set them up! (Maybe, it’s not clear really.)
And then they end it with perhaps the best shot in BSB Music Video history, or possibly it’s from Are You Afraid of the Dark?
The Backstreet Boys are the perfect boy band. That’s not to say that they belong in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (which is a joke anyway) but that it’s almost impossible to tell the difference between them and 2Gether, a fake boy band that parodied groups like Backstreet Boys.
You thought that 2Gether was over doing it? They might not have gone far enough. How much further can they go?
We will find out. Backstreet’s back you guys.
July 21, 2013 § 4 Comments
I haven’t written much here lately, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t written much. I don’t know why I feel the responsibility to write this post, but I think I just need to write something.
At least three times per week, I’m supposed to write about the Seahawks over on FieldGulls.com. My latest article for that site has turned into a novella. I haven’t finished writing it yet, I’m adding graphics and video, and it’s already over 12,000 words long. When I copy and pasted it into a Word document, it went over 30 pages. Again, I haven’t finished it yet. By the way, this particular article started out as nothing more than a comparison between young quarterbacks and the career of MC Hammer — and now it is the longest thing I’ve ever written.
At least twice per week, I’m supposed to write about fantasy baseball on FakeTeams.com. My pieces there have also been much lengthier lately, and therefore I have fallen behind at times.
Eight hours per week I am on a newsdesk covering NFL stories. This will probably increase to more like 16-20 hours per week when the season starts.
I am writing 32 fantasy previews for every NFL team. This is separate from my work at FakeTeams and when I am done, it will total between 90,000-100,000 words. I am also working on a novel when I have time, and my goal for the first draft of that novel would be about 90,000 words.
I have about 25,000 words on that novel. I think. I hope. I haven’t looked at it in a couple of weeks and I may not entirely be sure what numbers and words are anymore.
I have no will power when it comes to not writing something when I get it in my head that I need to write it, so every couple of weeks I’ll write a 5,000 word piece on the Seattle Mariners for LookoutLanding.com. This is what I consider “for fun.”
Every month I write a 3,000-word piece on the Power Rankings for the NFL. My reward for this is having hundreds of angry Cowboys and Raiders fans calling me a “moron” in not-so-nice-words.
I run the YouTube channel for FieldGulls. I do videos when I have time but during the season I’ll be required to do at least two of these per week. I also decided to commit myself to doing 32 of these for the fantasy articles… why? I don’t know!
I’m starting to apply for more writing positions around the internet because writing about MC Hammer was some of the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Did I just write that? Holy shit. I need some sort of.. “life” I think it is called? I’d love it if someone paid me to write about Hammertime, Full House, Saved by the Bell, or maybe eighties horror movies.
Fuck it, you don’t have to pay me.
Oh, I also have a 40-hour per week job. Did I mention that? Writing is my part-time job.
So I haven’t been here much. I just noticed that the page views are down like 400% as they should be. But maybe I’ll get some more time to start writing about Full House, MC Hammer, and Saved by the Bell right here.
Because if there’s anything I need right now, it’s more assignments.
June 13, 2013 § 3 Comments
We’re back! It’s time for another edition of me answering questions from ladies that are looking for the perspective of a dude. Not just any dude though, but me, a guy that’s been on no less than ten dates and had sex before. It was cool.
Speaking of sex, here’s today’s question. It comes to us from Accidentally Racy:
I’m enjoying reading your advice and figure getting a guy’s prospective is going to be way more efficient than my girlfriends’. So, here goes. I had a first date with this guy that lasted 7 hours because we had this amazing connection and couldn’t stop talking with each other about everything from the little things to the deeper subjects; we also ate dinner and bowled. We kissed a lot at the end, and I went home. The next day, he invited me to his place to ride his motorcycle, listen to him serenade me with his guitar and voice, and “watch a movie”. Watching a movie led to kissing which led to sex.
Having sex on a 2nd date is a big no-no in my book, but it just happened as these things do. We talked on the phone for an hour the next day and all seemed well. I went over there again on Wednesday, and he seemed distant. I haven’t heard from him today, and I am afraid that now that I have “given the milk for free” way too soon, I may have screwed up my chance at something real. So, my question is, if you as a guy share a deep connection with a girl and then sleep with her on the 2nd date, is the girl no longer relationship material? Is there anything that I can do to turn the odds in my favor at this point? Any insight would be appreciated.
Dear Accidentally Racy,
Let me first say that in general, each gender views casual sex in a different light:
Men – “Had sex, all is well.”
Women – “Had sex, now what?”
That is definitely not a hard and fast (hehe. pun.) rule. There are a lot of dudes out there that attach emotions to each sexual encounter (sheepishly raises hand) and a lot of women that don’t (slyly peeks to see if any girls raise their hand) but on the broad spectrum, men can walk away from sex and women want to know “What’s next?” Why?
Because you are the gatekeeper, am I the keymaster?
Basically, the penis is Indiana Jones and the vagina is the Holy Grail. Men spend 24.5 hours a day trying to have sex and women are constantly fighting off dicks like they’re being swarmed by bats, so when you finally let one into your cave, you want to know that it’s the right one. Or at least, a decent one. And sometimes it can be really hard to tell, because like I said, guys can get really good at getting sex.
I’m a firm believer in the 10,000 hour rule. That with 10,000 hours of practice, you can be an expert at something. Well with guys trying to have sex, they’ve spent like 100,000 hours doing that. But only during the times that they are awake, or most of the time that they are having REM sleep. Every once in awhile we’ll dream about death, but that’s honestly about sex too.
But we are all different creatures. I don’t think any women want to be thought of as a set of stereotypes to which everyone and abides, and we have to recognize that while each gender certainly has characteristics that would be true with the majority of individuals, we’re all still different. So I wouldn’t want to give the impression that men are lying this way and that way in order to have sex, nor am I saying that your beau was lying to you or pretending to be something so that you’d sleep with him, but it’s certainly possible. Frankly, and this is why I probably have had less success with women than most men, I’d be in your shoes more often than I would be in his. I’ve had very similar encounters, and while I wasn’t super upset about it because of the absolute shortness of those relationships, it certainly makes a person feel like they’re less than.
But you’re not less than. And he might not have been using for sex. Look at it from a macro level and remove sex from the equation and what do you have:
A really good first and second date over a period of no more than 36 hours that simply fizzled out before the carbonation bubbles even hit the surface. Which is ridiculously common.
It’s mostly the sex that’s messing with your head. The idea that you gave up the Holy Grail “for nothing.” That you may have been duped or bamboozled or took a hit to your self-esteem because you thought he was so perfect for you and might have actually found someone worth holding onto for awhile but he possibly doesn’t feel the same way about you. ”What’s wrong with me?” ”What did I do wrong?” “Why can’t he see me how I see him?”
If this is how you’re feeling, if you’re feeling low and used, let me please urge you to cut that out right now. There’s nothing wrong with you, or what you did, or that the time you spent with one-and-done was less-than-fun. You chose to sleep with a guy on the second date because you felt certain in your heart that there would be a third date. A fourth. Hell, a fifth even! And now he’s gone MIA and you wish you could take it all back.
Don’t wish that. Embrace it.
Embrace the two or three days that you could live inside of a Richard Linklater movie. The last time that I really thought I might have found a relationship, rather than just a date or two or someone to makeout with, she turned cold before I did. The texts became short and finally stopped. If we had been out a few times and had always had a good time with each other, then why wouldn’t she want to continue to do that just like I did? What was wrong with me?
Nothing. Nothing was wrong with me. The reasons that other people have for not wanting to see other people just one more time can be many, and it doesn’t mean that there was something wrong with the party that got ditched. That’s like saying that there’s something wrong with the square peg that doesn’t fit in the round hole.
There’s nothing wrong with square pegs. They hold most IKEA furniture together. They’re great!
And if that doesn’t make you feel better, then I can only offer one more piece of advice. A line from John Steinbeck to his son that I keep pounding home over and over again, because whenever I think about the one that got away, I remember this mantra:
“And don’t worry about losing. The important thing is not to hurry- Nothing good ever gets away.”
If this one got away, if he hasn’t returned your calls and has fallen off the map, then he wasn’t the right one. Let him be the right one for a couple of days, let yourself experience the experience, and then learn from it and move on. Every time I think of that last person that “totally should have been a relationship” I remember that nothing good gets away, so therefore she was never going to be more than what we were. That if it was good, then it would be.
But it’s not. And that’s okay too. Let yourself identify with the male gender for a moment and simply take it as a casual encounter and remember that there’s nothing you can do to “turn this in your favor” other than to live today as happy as you can be.
May 30, 2013 § 7 Comments
The ongoing series whereinby I give you my opinion on your love life despite myself not even having a “likelife” right now. But either I’ve been where you’ve been or I’ve thought way too much about it. Here’s the next question…
So… you asked for relationship questions and I wanted to ask a guy about this so you are it! Okay, to my question: I love my boyfriend and he keeps saying he wants to marry me, which is great, BUT he’s barely working (he’s in sales for his dad) and spends most of his days playing games (he lives with his parents). We only see each other on weekends because we live so far apart so it has taken me over a year to notice that he doesn’t really do… anything. About a month ago I had a really bad day and broke down crying telling him I couldn’t marry him if he wasn’t willing to step it up and take his responsibilities seriously. He told me he’d work on it BUT can he? Will he? How long should I wait?
(TL;DR is that Ulty’s boyfriend has no ambition and she’s worried there’s no real long-term future with him.)
As you know I had only one follow-up question and it was paramount to getting to the heart of your issue: How old are you and your boyfriend? This can be the difference between a “play it cool” and a “run, you fool!” because we are allowed to shuck certain responsibilities at certain ages.
I think that at certain points in life, girls have different qualities in men that attract them and make them more or less interested in them as a potential dating partner.
- At 15, you can pick a guy based on who gets his drivers license and a used car first.
- At 20, you can pick a guy based on how many pull-ups he can do.
- Even at 25, you can still look for a guy with nice abs and a cool job selling cars at his dad’s dealership.
But at a certain point I think that the best quality you can find in a man is “Ambition.” Even if you’re 30 or 40 and you have very little to show for it, having a drive to be something better and looking towards the future can at least reinforce to other people that you’re trying to be something better. That you’re going to be able to provide a stable future even if it kills you. That “I am well-aware of my situation and I’m finnin’ to break out of it!”
You don’t have to be a doctor in your twenties, but you should at least be going for your masters degree in life and not living in the basement of death.
Well I asked you how old you two were and you replied: “We’re both 28.”
At 22, I can forgive his transgressions. At 28, he better be finnin’ for a better life! (Finnin’ is white people slang for urban slang for “the desire to”)
You’re 28 and you’re looking for the person to spend the rest of your life with. You’ve obviously got some idea of what kind of a man would best suit that role and you definitely don’t want to step into that kind of commitment with someone that’s all talk and no walk. Put it this way: Would you rather date Jay-Z or Lil Jon? Would you rather be with Dr. Dre or Flava Flav?
You’re looking for a man, not a hype man. Break it down bit-by-bit and I see a Level 10 Lazy-Ass:
“He’s barely working. He’s in sales for his dad.” - I have a bunch of friends that are right around 30 and I can promise that none of us are “barely working.” My brother-in-law was also in business with his dad when he was 28; He had taken over the business a few years after that. Does your boyfriend just want to get by or does he have designs to take over? It’s one thing to not have any opportunities, it’s another thing to let all of your opportunities pass you by.
spends most of his days playing games - Kevin Spacey plays a powerful politician in the show House of Cards that also loves to play Call of Duty in his free-time. This was immediately interesting to me because it shucked the stereotype of playing video games and being lazy. Also: He was a powerful politician! You can play video games and be lazy or you can play video games and get shit done. Video games should come after you get shit done.
(he lives with his parents) - I felt ashamed when I was living with my mom for two years after graduating college. I would rather be homeless than be back there now and yes, I’ve spent many hours thinking about how to be the best homeless person I could be.
Probably find myself a nice hobo girlfriend too!
He told me he’d work on it BUT can he? Will he? How long should I wait? - “Can he?” Yes. We all can. ”Will he?” I have my concerns, to be honest. ”How long should I wait?” What are you waiting for at all?
I named you “ulty” and not even you probably know why. I named you Ulty because maybe, just maybe, in five years when people talk about your boyfriend and ask “How did he turn his life around??” then people will say:
“Ulty made him!”
I’m not telling you to lay an ultimatum down to your boyfriend though. Not quite. The simple fact of the matter is that you’re 28 and you have an idea of what kind of man you want to marry and that man without a doubt has ambition to be something better. You can’t settle for what you were able to settle for 5 or 10 years ago, you’re looking for the big one. You’ve been long distance with him for over a year, isn’t that long enough to start asking yourself why you’re still long distance? I dated a girl for a year when we were in a similar situation and that was ridiculous so I moved to within a mile of her. Also, I moved to an apartment that was all mine and I had a job and paid my bills.
You need to make a list of your husband’s traits and you need to make a list of your boyfriends best traits and then you need to compare the two. On this list you should have listed very high:
- My husband doesn’t live at home
- My husband has a real job
- My husband doesn’t live an hour away
- My husband plays video games in his free time and his days don’t ONLY consist of “free time”
- My husband wants to be something someday
You’re not giving your boyfriend an ultimatum, you’re just telling him that to be with you he has to fulfill those traits. Don’t stick around because it’s been a year or because you’re worried that you might never find anyone better than him. Stick around only if he’s actually the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Even if Ulty Made Him do it.
He needs to be more ambitious in life and you need to be more ambitious with your relationship choices. I think you can both strive for better.
Don’t forget to Ask Kenneth Heart-thur your own questions by hitting CONTACT on the left!
May 21, 2013 § 4 Comments
The first submission in me giving… dating advice? (Really, me?!) Believe it or not,
I’ll help you here I come!
“Three Days Grace Period” asks:
Anyways, one of the reoccurring problems I have with men, is I will meet one and we will text nonstop for on average about three days. He will be totally digging me, me reciprocating. And we just text all day for about three days.
Then the next morning he will never reply to me again.
Just done with me. Out of nowhere.
This happens consistently enough, that I have now begun to expect it when I start texting a guy I like.
I’ve even begun to suspect (not seriously) that there is some creepy stalker I have who after three days of contact with me, goes and threatens these men to stay away.
Or something like that!
What’s wrong Kenneth? Am I only interesting for three days? Do I start saying stupid things after three days?
And why does every guy lately do this?
Dear 3 Days,
In the classic film The Room, Denny is caught with Chris-R on the roof in some sort of drug deal gone wrong. Lisa’s mother poses the question to Denny, “What are you doing with the drugs? Giving them, taking them?” One can not really comprehend why a person would “give away” drugs but I guess technically that’s a possibility. Though it seems rather wasteful to have all of these drugs and then just give them away. It’s bad business.
I read your question and then I pondered it for a couple days while I was prepping this first post. And then I read it for the second time and realized that I should now make sure to thoroughly read all the questions at first and then ponder because in about less than 20 words I was able to dissect at least one major part of the issue.
“one of the reoccurring problems I have with men, is I will meet one and we will text nonstop for on average about three days.”
“one of the reoccurring problems I have with men, is I will meet one and we will text nonstop for on average about three days.”
“I will meet one and we will text nonstop for on average about three days.”
“we will text nonstop”
In a way, texting has become the best and worst thing to happen to relationships in at least the last 100 years. It’s very possible that after three days, you literally know more about a guy you met one time than what your grandmother and grandfather knew about each other by the time they were married. And most relationships of that era lasted 100000000x longer than ours do in the current generation.
It’s like how Unsolved Mysteries used to be this awesome show about things we couldn’t disprove and then we got better technology and gave everyone an HD camera on their phone and now it’s just:
UnSolved Mysteries – Turns Out It Was A Guy In A Suit, What’s On TLC? Oh Hoarders I Haven’t Seen This One… Ew Gross.
Textual Harassment is one of the leading killers of possibly getting laid or even finding a potential significant other in the year 2013. Check out reddict.com/r/CreepyPMs and watch seemingly normal people dissolve into Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Some of the best/worst advice on texting comes from Tom Haverford on Parks and Recreation when he asks an interviewee about what to do when you get a girls number in the club. Text her the next day that it was nice to meet her?
“Wrong. I wait 8 weeks and then text ‘What’s crackin?’”
That’s an extreme version of it, but the principles still apply. Even in today’s world of constant interaction and the ability to literally be a tiny talking head inside someones front pocket, there’s plenty of room to leave for mystery. There’s plenty of time to sit back and say “If you want to get to know me, take the time and effort to actually get to know me.” Think of guys as T-Rex and this is you when you “text non-stop for three days”:
Make a guy wonder, “Where the heck is this chick? She must be really popular with the fellas, damn it I’m gonna lose my chance!” Don’t be unavailable, but don’t hand yourself to him on a silver platter. Texting nonstop for three days in the very beginning used to always be my undoing too and it’s also not a bad practice to put in place even if you’ve been dating for a few weeks to show that you’ve got a life outside of just that persons every word, letter, and emoji.
Chat with the guy, but let it be known early on that you’re a girl that’s worth taking out on a proper date (or just coming over for a proper “movie” whatever floats your boat) but when you text nonstop in the very beginning, that’s like giving away free drugs. It makes no sense.
If you thought that was decent advice y’all, please send in more questions with the Contact button on the left!!