June 25, 2012 § 4 Comments
I’m cruising down Sunset in my magnificent cherry Corvette when I get a call on my car phone. I don’t answer the first time. Never answer a phone call on the first try, you’ll seem desperate. Let them know you’re Billy Baldwin.
I hit a red light and look over to my left where I see three bodacious babes spotting me, they must recognize me from my Calvin Klein ads. They’re tryin’ to figure out where it is they know me from. I think I overhear one of them say, “Beetle Juice.” Wrong Baldwin, bitch. My phone rings again. Now is the time to answer, total power move for the bodacious babes.
Billy: “Talk to me.”
Billy’s Agent: “Billy, it’s your agent, Lenny Mousekawitz.”
“Lenny, this better be good. I’m meeting with Tommy Cruise to talk about Born on the Fourth of July and then he wants to talk to me about scienceology or something. Apparently he is really into science.”
“Sounds great, Billy. Really great. Hey listen, things are really heating up for you, you’ll never guess who just called.”
“No, this really isnt-”
“Billy, let me just tell you.”
“Kubrick and Baldwin make The Shining 2″
“Billy, it’s Joel Schumacher.”
“You know, Lost Boys and St. Elmos Fire. Have you seen Cousins?”
“No, but is this Shoemaker trying to do like a sequel to that called Brothers with me and my brothers?”
“No, Cousins is starring Ted Danson.”
“Woah, this guy is working with Ted Danson? The Ted Danson?”
“That’s right and he wants you for a co-starring role in his next suspenseful thriller about a group of medical students that intentionally stop their hearts so that they can cross over to the other side for a few minutes and then be brought back to life.”
“Sounds interesting. You think this might be bigger than Beetlejuice because for the last six months whenever I talk to Alec it’s Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.”
“This is gonna be big, kid. They’re looking for nothing but up-and-coming stars for this flick and a group of people that’s gonna be just as big as all the other careers that Schumacher has launched this decade.”
“Yeah, like who? And besides Danson, because we already knew Danson was one of the biggest stars in the world before that movie that you had mentioned before that I remember the name of.”
“Ever heard of The Corey’s?”
“Emilio Estevez, Judd Nelson, Ally Sheedy?”
“Okay, okay, you have convinced me and you can now stop. These names that you are naming, these are the biggest names on the planet. Thirty years from now, how many Oscars and collective billions of dollars will this group of actors and actresses have accumulated because as of today in 1989, you’ve just named the biggest stars of the future.”
“And you can join this list.”
“You are damn right I can. Sign me up immediately Lenny. I must do this movie.”
“Great kid, let’s get you in this picture.”
“By the way, what is the name of this movie?”
To Be Continued….
February 13, 2012 § Leave a Comment
We all remember the first time that we saw Shawnee Smith, and for every person that time is different. Literally, for every person in the world it is different.
For the uneducated, Smith is Amanda in the Saw movies.
For people over 60, she was the girl in Becker.
Or perhaps for you, she was one of the little girls in this 1981 McDonald’s commercial. I wonder if Shawnee and “other girl” are still best friends?
For me, I first noticed her beautiful face in one of the most underrated horror films of the 80s: The Blob, co-starring Matt Dillon. No, no, that’s not right. Well, they couldn’t get Matt Dillon, so they hired the real-life version of Johnny Drama and the actor who plays Johnny Drama: Kevin Dillon.
When Drama recounts his “glory years” on Entourage, he’s basically talking about that time he starred in The Blob and guest starred on Tales from the Crypt. It took K. Dillon nearly 20 years in the business to finally get the respect needed for him…. to play himself. Good luck with Johnny Bananas.
Shawnee Smith shared a similar fate.
She has been acting for basically her entire life, and made her on-screen debut in the 1982 version of Annie, when she was 12. She was 18 when The Blob (I seriously have written blog EVERY TIME and had to re-type it) came out, but co-starring in a righteous special effects horror movie wasn’t enough to put her over the top.
But she did have a bunch of small roles that kept her at the forefront of my fantasies.
Look how cute she is in Summer School (1986)
Then The Blob
Wow, that smile. Such as in Who’s Harry Crumb? (1989)
And continued to show up in The Stand (1994), The X Files, Leaving Las Vegas (1995), and Armageddon (1998) so that I’d never forget how badly I want to kiss her face.
For most people, it seems that they’ll always know Shawnee as “Amanda in Saw” but most of those movies are shitty. They might know her as Linda in Becker, but I never watched that shit. Ted Danson is only funny when he’s on Cheers, Curb, or Whoopie.
The Blob isn’t a great all-around movie, but if you can get past Kevin’s face, it has some great kills, special effects, and most importantly a smile could melt my blob of a heart.
Shawnee, you’re 12 years older than me, but age is just a number. Besides, when I first fell in love with you, you were only 18. If anything, I’m a perv for liking a girl so young. Let’s party.