8 Things Horribly Wrong With The Bagel Bites Jingle

September 22, 2012 § 10 Comments

Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time.  When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza any time. 

We are all familiar with the jingle.  If you want a refresher course, here is the commercial.  It first starts with “Now you can give them pizza WHENEVER they want.” This is only about the song, so let’s just get this first part out of the way…

Parents have no interest in how they can give their kids pizza whenever they want.  It’s very low on their list of priorities.  Right below “How can I get them to run around the house yelling and screaming more?”

Let’s talk a little bit about what’s wrong with the jingle:

Pizza in the morning STOP

People are already eating pizza in the morning.

Pizza in the morning STOP

I have never actually had a bagel bite in the morning, as I can recall it, but I feel that I’d be about 10,000 times less likely to have a bagel bite in the morning than a slice of pizza.  I don’t usually wake up and say, “Hmmm… the roof of my mouth feels fine. How can I fuck that up?”

Pizza in the evening STOP

There was not a shortage of people having pizza in the evening.

Pizza in the evening STOP

Bagel bites are really a snack or maybe a lunch.  I’m not going to lie to you and act like I’m all high and mighty and haven’t eaten 10 bagel bites in the evening or in the middle of the night, but my honest opinion is that MOST people eat a bagel bite in the middle of the day.  Afternoon, noon, lunch time… it’s never mentioned.

Pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time STOP

Now, I have never lived in an area where “supper” was a term that anyone used, but as I understand it and as Wikipedia explains it, supper is an evening meal.  It seems to me that supper has ALWAYS been an evening meal.  Is this line not redundant?  That’s like saying, “Pizza is some pizza, eaty eaty pizza, did you know that pizza is pizza?”

Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time STOP

So when it comes down to it, we’ve named just two times that you can eat pizza when it is on a bagel.

When pizza’s on a bagel STOP

This is more of a pet peeve maybe, but can we please not compare this:

 

To fucking pizza?

Pizza is not on a bagel.  It looks more to me like four to seven tiny cubes of fake pepperoni, 10-20 tiny cubes of fake cheese and maybe a few cubes of fake sauce.  And then I have to ask myself what the hell constitutes something actually qualifying as a bagel.

When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza any time STOP

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

When I was a kid, this made some sense to me.  The size makes it portable, the way it’s kept makes it accesible at any time, as a child I’m saying to myself “Fool proof.”

As an adult, here is how the song should go instead:

Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time.  When you’re a fucking adult you can eat pizza any time.  

There is nothing about a bagel bite that actually makes it more okay to eat at any given time, and in fact, there are probably less times to eat pizza on a bagel than just regular pizza.  I’m also just dumbfounded and confused as to why the company is selling the idea to parents that they can now give their kids pizza any time.  When did parents start a national letter writing campaign to congress that there weren’t enough ways to give their kids pizza?

I’m not better than bagel bites.  I’ve had plenty of them in my lifetime.  But I think we’re all better than this completely confusing, terrible, non-sensical, and incredibly catchy jingle.

I’ll give the song that, it’s catchy.  I can listen to it at any time, both in the evening AND at supper time.

 

 

Best TV Channel Tournament Primer: Food Network?

August 3, 2012 § 1 Comment

I continue my look through the world of television channels by stopping by one of the more unconventional options: The Food Network.

Like basically every other channel, The Food Network has changed quite a bit over the years, transforming from a station directed towards a specific niche audience into one that conforms more to programming for the rest of us.  While the daytime programming is still geared towards educational cooking shows like Rachel Ray and Paula Deen, Food Network at night has reality and competition programs that appeal to another niche audience:

People that eat food.

Of course, it wouldn’t be fair to say that everybody watches or likes the Food Network, because that’s definitely not true, but for whatever reason I find myself looking to see what’s on Food Network more often than ever.  Sure, I love food, but why should I really care what other people are eating or watch food being made that I’ll never be able to taste?

Because that’s how much people love food.  We love it to the point where calling it “Food porn” is not an exaggeration.  In many cases we are watching experts beautifully paint on a canvas with materials we love.

“Oh damn, Bobby.  What are you going to do with that steak?!”

“Stop, hold up.  Is that?  Is it?  Oh shit, it is.  He’s got the garlic salt!”

“Paula, you dirty dirty dirty old woman.  But can I substitute your 12 sticks of butter with like, 2 sticks of butter?”

I have said before on this blog that when I lost 150 pounds after college, I spent basically my entire day watching the Food Network.  It would seem like the opposite of what you’d want to do if you were trying to lose weight and eat less, but it was more like a healthy substitute.  I could imagine what it was like to eat what they were making, but with zero calories.

Food porn.

At that time, they were still mostly just doing the cooking shows and not the competitions or finding the best food and restaurants in America, so it was easy to just stop watching at a certain point.  It’s what I’ve referred to earlier as “throw-away television” or “expendable television.”  It’s something that was mostly a time-waster and not educational or especially entertaining.  It was just something to do.

That has changed in recent years though.  Now I find many of the shows to be highly entertaining and I really find myself excited when I know that one of my favorite shows is going to be on Food Network in the evening.  Here’s a brief rundown of those shows:

Chopped

Probably my new favorite thing to watch, Chopped basically takes the best part of Top Chef (the cooking) and condenses it into one hour, where we don’t have to follow the contestants for a whole season.  The idea behind Chopped, the fact that not only do the contestants not know the ingredients but that the ingredients provide a certain level of difficulty, adds to the excitement level.

Yeah, watching people cook is exciting!

It’s also pretty fun that we see regular failures on Chopped.  Whereas in many shows it seems like these chefs can do no wrong, I’ve gotten to see some pretty terrible foods prepared on Chopped.  Like… literally inedible foods and these are professional chefs.  I’m happy that they don’t cut it down to just the good stuff.  These guys fail a lot and that’s part of what keeps me watching.

I just wish that people would stop saying that they’re being underestimated.  Literally every chef seems to either think that the other contestants are going to underestimate them, or they’re incredibly over-confident.  If everybody assumes that they’re being underestimated, then obviously nobody is being underestimated.

And stop doing crazy shit with your hair, chefs.  The only thing that I want to see in your hair is a hairnet when you’re making my food.

Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives

There probably isn’t a more annoying or douchy host in America than Guy Fieri, but the concept of this show is so good that I will watch any episode I haven’t seen before and sometimes re-watch the same episode multiple times.

Perhaps part of the charm is that Guy is such a douche.

But the real star of the show is the Diners (I almost have never seen and Drive-Ins or Dives but I guess “Single D” wouldn’t have been a good name for the show) and it’s cool that they find places you can actually go eat and not $100 a plate restaurants in Manhattan.  This is where the comfort food is.  This is where the attainable $7 meals are.  This is how the regular person ended up making it in the food industry.

That’s what makes the show watchable despite the fact that a 44-year-old man is still sporting the same hairdo I had in the 7th grade.  I made terrible decisions in 7th grade, Guy, why are you still making them?

My favorite restaurant in LA is only a couple of blocks away from me.  I was sooooo excited when I saw Gloria’s Mexican Cafe on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.  Really gave that show some more credibility for me.  Just want to throw that out there.

Good Eats

The show ran for 14 seasons but finally came to an end earlier this year.  It’s not a traditional cooking show, instead explaining the science of food, which is probably why it was so integral as a part of why the Food Network is what it is today.

Good Eats was one of the first shows I ever watched on the Food Network with regularity and started to break down the barrier that “Only mom’s watch Food Network” when I noticed a lot of my guy friends in college watching it.  Alton Brown is like a modern-day Bill Nye!

Iron Chef America

Alton Brown!

Iron Chef America is basically like Chopped except that they do use world-renowned chefs and they have an hour to cook a five-dish meal with one special, secret ingredient.

Iron Chef in Japan opened up the way for Iron Chef USA (which failed) and then finally Iron Chef America which opened the door for shows like Chopped and so on and so forth.  This is the show that made people realize that they just liked to watch people cook great food and then be judged for it.

We really like to judge people.

Sweet Genius

And Sweet Genius is basically exactly like Chopped except that we have desserts and Ron Ben-Isreal.

I’ve said before why I like this show.

In Conclusion!

Anyways, that’s a quick rundown of the shows I watch on The Food Network.  I actually think I’m forgetting one or two, but oh well!  I’m not actually giving the channel a spot in my Best TV Channel Tournament because it has no real shot without actually having original scripted programming (how interesting could a Sopranos-style food drama be?) but I wanted to note it’s existence and how much I like watching it now.

There’s a lot of good stuff on the Food Network, but I won’t be able to nominate it until Smell-o-Vision and Taste-o-Vision are real things.

I can’t believe I went the entire article without saying this, but Giada De Laurentiis is my hearts song.  Feed me, Giada:

 

The Biggest Obstacle Between You and ‘Staying Fit’ is Denial

July 24, 2012 § 3 Comments

I did it again on Sunday.  It wasn’t easy – it never is – but I did it.  And it’s getting easier.  Every time this happens, it gets a little easier.  Years ago, I would have never done it.  I would have pretended like I was fine and there was no point in pretending like it was that bad, so I didn’t do it.  Because I knew if I had done it, if I had seen the truth, I would have to do something about it, and doing something about it is hard.  It’s too hard.  I’ve done it too many times before to not be aware of how badly I didn’t want to get into that situation again.

But on Sunday, I did it.

No, I’m not talking about watching The Killing, I’m talking about the biggest step any person who has struggled with their weight has to make.  I stepped on that stupid, dumb, idiotic, truthful, brutally honest, bitch of a scale.  I had to.  I am too old, I’ve been through this too many times, to not know that I had to do it.

It hadn’t been that long since I weighed myself.  If you’ve followed this blog, you’d know that I last did it when I lost almost 15 pounds in 15 days.  But since that time, I haven’t stepped on a scale.  I have put it in the back of my mind and gone back to living how I live.  I don’t live very healthy.

It helps that I didn’t drink for a month.  It helped a lot actually.  But I did eat that month.  I ate a lot actually.  I ate healthy, in that you would have said, “Damn, you have a healthy appetite.”  I ate well, in that you would have said, “Well, you’re going to get fat again.”

I didn’t stop going to the gym, but I sputtered in going to the gym.  Like my 93 Volvo, I got there, but I didn’t get there fast and I didn’t get there consistently.  My engine needed a lot of tweaking and so I put it out of commission for awhile.  Maybe I’d go once a week, and twice a week was a miracle.  But on Sunday, after a couple of months of ignoring my eating, ignoring my workout, I did what had to be done.  I made that step.

It’s important to recognize that even if I had ignored my fitness for a couple of months, I used to ignore it for a couple of years.  A couple of months of “damage” is easily fixable.  Two to three years of damage is a road that’s so long, so arduous, that oftentimes it doesn’t feel like it’s even worth it.  Having added only a handful of pounds, I laugh in the face of the journey ahead of me.  I’ll be back to where I want to be in no time.

(Note to self: It’s still hard, and it’s not “no time” but I did what I had to do.)

If I had stepped on the scale during the college years, I would have never ballooned to 360+ pounds.  I know this.  I know that any time you have to face what you weigh, who you are, how much you’ve gained, it becomes too much to bear.  Maybe you don’t want to start changing, but then “want” doesn’t matter.  You have to do it.

At least for me personally, I always have to.

Now I step on the scale the moment I realize that it’s the last thing I want to do.  You want to be in a position where you’re fine with stepping on a scale, maybe even excited, but it’s when you don’t want to that you know you need to.

I forced myself in a position where I knew I had to start eating healthier again and start going to the gym consistently again.  I did what I had to do, and here we are.  I’ve got a trip coming up in about two months that I’m more excited about than any trip before.  I want to be a little bit more fit, so I took step one.  The only step that I feel is necessary for everyone, and while it’s the easiest thing you’ll do over the next however-many-months, it’s the one with the biggest mental block.

Get over the mental block.  Do what you have to do.  If you’ve got any doubt or fears about doing it, then I implore you… go step on that scale.  Today.

(Edit: I originally titled this as the biggest obstacle is ‘Doubt’ which does apply, but the word I really meant is ‘Denial.’  Being in denial of how much you’ve gained or the position you’re in, is the real obstacle.)

“Sweet Genius” Might Be My New Favorite Thing On TV

June 26, 2012 § 4 Comments

Not every highly-watchable show on television has to be scripted, or comedy, or drama, or on cable, or on network, or original, and especially doesn’t have to be “good.”  Such as the Food Network cooking contest show “Sweet Genius,” which is neither scripted, original, nor particularly good.  It’s just… hard to stop watching.

The other day there was absolutely nothing on TV to watch, my DVR’d programs seem old the instant that I record them, and sometimes it doesn’t feel like Netflix has added a new movie worth watching since the DVD was invented.  So I just flipped the channel to the first show that I saw on the guide that simply didn’t offend my sensibilities: Chopped.

For those that don’t know, Chopped is a show on the Food Network that pits four contestants against each other in a battle royale of three cooking challenges in which crazy secret ingredients force the chefs into precarious corners from which they must escape with a tasty dish or face elimination.  In other words: makey good food or get chopped.  It’s not original (Hi, Iron Chef!) but it’s just entertaining enough for me to watch.

Chopped is something I consider to be “throw-away television.”  This is how I categorize shows that are pleasant to watch but will give you almost nothing in return.  Breaking Bad gives me something each time I watch it.  The History Channel gives me something when I watch it.  Wheel of Fortune, however, gives me nothing.  Wheel is just a way to pleasantly kill 30 minutes of my time.  I enjoy it, but I could definitely prosper without it.  It’s the same with Chopped or Two and a Half Men or many shows on television.

So the other night I had watched Chopped and with nothing much else to do, I kept watching the next show on the Food Network and that show was Sweet Genius.  The format is almost exactly the same as Chopped: Four contestants, three rounds, one person eliminated each round until the winner is declared a “Sweet Genius” and given $10,000 for making liver ice cream or some other God-awful creation.

However…

Sweet Genius turned out to be so much more than that and it’s all thanks to the judge of the show, Ron Ben-Israel.  Whereas Chopped is inconspicuously hosted by Ted Allen (yawn) and then three guest judges (yawn x3) the strength of Sweet Genius is that there is only one gay madman running the show.  (Oooh, do I mean gay as in happy frolicking or gay is in gay?  Intrigue!)

Well, I suppose I mean both.

Ben-Israel is an openly gay pastry chef and the show takes on those sensibilities with great pride, I’d say.  The show is flashy, glittery, and subtly uses innuendo (“hot behind! hot behind! hot behind!” once yelled out on the show) throughout.  I watched two episodes back-to-back and both episodes featured a contestant that was a homosexual male.  Not something that is necessarily “taboo” but also not something that you see on most shows so frequently.  Sure, being a male pastry chef will always pique curiosities, but not every male pastry chef is gay just like not every male hair stylist is gay.  It just so happens (or maybe not just so happens) that both of the episodes featured a gay male contestant.

But the show also makes me gay… with happiness!  What’s so watch-able about Sweet Genius?

First of all was the gay innuendos that are constant in the sixty minutes, prompting me to ask my roommate if this was real.  It felt like I was watching something created by Sasha Baron Cohen for Bruno but that also had a strong hint of Zoolander.  Every moment of the show felt like it was a scripted “reality” show and that the joke was on us, the viewers.  It literally feels like a long SNL skit, except still funny.

Secondly, the fact that these contestants are asked to make three different desserts (Frozen, Baked, and Chocolate) but scramble to figure out how to incorporate flavors like squid ink and roasted peking duck into a tasty treat.  One contestant actually became so flustered at the end that he simply plopped his whisk from the blender into an ice cream glass and figured, “Yeah, this looks good.”

However… 

By the time that the treat had gotten to Ben-Israel, the ice cream had melted and so he was left with a dish of melted ice cream that had a giant whisk sticking in the middle of it.  Like, “Hey, here is a kitchen utensil right in the middle of your dessert making it impossible to eat.  Enjoy!”

Thirdly, contestants are given “inspirations” that they must incorporate along with their flavors and desserts.  It might be a turtle (which Ben-Israel bears a striking resemblance to), or a toy carousel, or a high heel… who knows what the future holds?  Perhaps inspirations like lamp, Playstation 2, or the former Soviet Union.  The possibilities are literally endless because it seems that they have no bearing on what qualifies as an “inspiration.”

But lastly and most importantly is Ben-Israel.  Like I said before, he’s a gay madman.  It doesn’t really matter that he’s gay, but it certainly adds to the charm of all the innuendos and the descriptions he gives of the flavors as he tastes the desserts.  “Fresh” “Sexy” and “Playful” being among my favorites.  However, it’s the “madman” quality that really sets him apart into the next pantheon of memorable judges.

In real life, Ben-Israel is a world-renowned “cake artist” but as a host he seems like a kid in a candy store, getting to press the buttons, throw out the curveballs, and judge the contestants for their good and their bad.  (Especially entertaining when its their bad, like the “disaster” for having a whisk inside of a bowl of melted ice cream.  Though the taste of the ice cream was described as “Amazing.”)   Another favorite is that he’ll tell you some good things about your dessert but you know a “however” is coming.  Everything that comes after “however” could crush your soul.

Probably the top moment for me during those two episodes, and probably one of my television all-time highs, was when the secret ingredient for the chocolate round was roasted duck.  One of the contestants basically ended up making a savory meat pie, but this is “Sweet Genius.”  The point isn’t to make just anything with duck and chocolate, the point was to make a dessert and her chocolate duck pie was basically just duck pie.  Ben-Israel describes the action and flavors…

I get what Ben-Israel is trying to say, that the flavors were overwhelmed with “duck,” but damn.  I just about lost my mind when I heard him simply describe the duck pie as “ducky.”  Please Ron, teach me how to Ducky.  Despite the fact that the flavor was duck, the very last adjective I had expected to hear in describing the taste was “ducky” so therefore I experienced a laughter I haven’t felt on CBS, ABC, or most of NBC for years.  Ben-Israel: a far superior comedienne to Whitney Cummings.

It got me thinking as to how Ben-Israel would describe other things, by simply naming what they are…

AGAIN:

OF COURSE IT DOESNT HAVE TO RHYME, IT JUST HAS TO BE A THING!

I could go on like this for hours, just like I could watch this ridiculously entertaining show called Sweet Genius, but I won’t.  I’ll just give a few and then spend the rest of the week thinking of other things that Ben-Isreal could describe in perfect detail by telling you what it actually is.

In the meantime, I’ll be watching Sweet Genius at whatever time it airs on the Food Network not because it’s so good, but because it’s deliciously bad for all the right reasons and I’ll have a gay old time doing so.

Stay sexy.  Stay fresh.  Ducky.

 

My Vision Board

May 9, 2012 § 3 Comments

Remember when The Secret was a thing?

I remember watching the video with a friend about five years ago and basically the only thing I took away from it was that if you can envision it, it will come true.  That the powers of the universe are greater than we know, just as long as we believe.

After two days of really envisioning the things that I wanted, I gave up.  Hey, this is 2012 and I am an American with ADHD so if you can’t deliver in 48 hours than screw off.

Either way, I have decided to make a “Vision Board” or a “Dream Board” because I am bored.  (Get it?)  These are the things that I want!

KEY

1. Allison Williams.  Star of Girls on HBO and daughter of NBC anchor Brian Williams, she is my current Wendy Peffercorn.  Maybe you think that Girls is a show for chicks, but then why did they have Allison rubbing one out in a bathroom two weeks ago?  WHY I ASK YOU, WHY?  That was for me.  ;)

2. It’s Scrooge McDuck diving into a pile of gold so I’m sure you can figure that one out.  You know how some people call money, “Duckets”?  I wonder if that’s where it comes from.

3. Vacation.  This plane is  headed to an island in the Philippines.  Yeah, I could go for that.

4. Finish a screenplay, become a full time writer.

5. Seahawks. Championship.  That is all.

6. To live every day of my life like Ron Swanson.

7. A baby tiger.  Seriously, look at that little cutie!  I’ve been watching a lot of Fatal Attractions on Animal Planet.  It’s a show about people that have dangerous pets, including lions and tigers and then those animals kill their owners because wild animals will always be wild.  But if you put that little guy in my lap, I’d probably be willing to have my jugular ripped out too.

8. Meet my hero, Pete Carroll.

9. Respect.  LOL! YEAH RIGHT!  I’m making vision boards with Allison Williams and baby tigers.

10. This is the carne adobada from Gloria’s mexican restaurant in Culver City.  It’s actually right by my place so this is an easy to accomplish goal.  Seriously though, this is the best food I’ve ever eaten.  If you’re ever in LA, GO THERE!  It was on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives and actually made Guy Fieri tolerable for 8 minutes.

11. Twitter followers.  Okay, this probably sounds lame, but hear me out.  Wanting a lot of friends on facebook = lame.  But people actually get jobs if they do well on Twitter.  It has to do with #9, Respect.  @MeganAmram got really amazing writing jobs because of her TWITTER!  This is unfortunately the world we live in… @kennetharthurs

12. Yoga Pants because Yoga Pants.  Shit I love this current popular style.

Also, here is Allison Williams in Yoga Pants:

I’ll have what she’s having.  (That doesn’t really apply here.)

Check, please! (Also, doesn’t apply.  But they sound funny, right?!)

Helllllloooo, Dolly! (Closer.)

She will be mine.  Oh yes, she will be mine. (There ya go.)

Finally, I did this while I was bored.  It is stupid.

Sorry.

bye-bye.

 

Reasons Why I Am Single

April 12, 2012 § 13 Comments

Reflection and self-evaluation are always key when trying to understand why you are in the situation that you are in.  It doesn’t matter the context, whether it be why you have a certain job, a certain hobby, or a certain partner, it only matters that you should probably understand WHY you are in that situation.  If you know the WHY then that is when you can start making adjustments to set yourself back in the direction that you want to be headed in.

My current job is “IT Guy that moonlights as a writer” and I know WHY I am in that situation and so I know what I can do to switch the words “IT Guy” and “Writer.”

My current hobbies include sports, movies, television, and drinking and I have no desire to change any of that.

My current relationship status is single and my current partner is Netflix.  WHY is that?  WHAT could I do to adjust that?  I’ve detailed a few reasons as to things that I have done recently that could explain just what has kept me on the market.  Here are a few:

I ate a Kid Cuisine for dinner -

It seemed like a fun idea at the time.  I guess what makes it even worse is that the Kid Cuisine was located in the “50% discounted food” section of Von’s (Safeway) so who knows what was really wrong with that microwavable hot dog meal.  But it had a penguin on the box!  A PENGUIN!  And one of the side items was “gummy bears.”  Who really WOULDN’T jump at that opportunity?

I ate Sweet Corn Mash from El Pollo Loco with the lid in my car -

I’m not proud, okay?  I really wanted to eat the sweet corn mash and I wouldn’t be home for another FIVE MINUTES so I used the lid of the sweet corn mash to scoop some into my stupid mouth.  It was GOOD.

I fall asleep to old episodes of real crime stories on Netflix -

Actually right now I fall asleep to episodes of “Disorderly Conduct: Video On Patrol” and it’s amazing.  Seriously the best cop videos I have ever seen.  It was on Spike in 2006 and I don’t know if it was cancelled or if they just used up all of the best videos from 1990-2006 in their 26-episode run, which would not surprise me.  Almost all of the videos should be viral.

I have several old shampoo bottles in my shower -

I’m doing myself a favor and just saying “several” when the truth is that there are probably ten.  I don’t know, okay?  Who keeps a giant trash bin next to their shower?  I keep a small trash bin and now I’ve over-exerted myself to the point where the 10 shampoo bottles wouldn’t fit in there.  I’ll throw them out tonight, okay?

I’ll do laundry the day after I run out of clean clothes -

Fuck!

I buy new clothes once a year, at best -

Is this really a big deal?  I hate fucking shopping.  Every once in awhile I’ll stop at ROSS and pick up a few items.  For some reason I have no problem going to the grocery store every single fucking day, but I can’t stand buying clothes.  Well, I love having new clothes but the act of picking them out really bugs the shit out of me.  If I won the lottery, getting a “Personal Shopper” would come before paying off my bills.

There are several sports days a year in which I am unreachable -

So fucking what?

Lunchables is a meal to me -

In relation to the Kid Cuisine story, I eat Lunchables on the regular.  I don’t eat KC’s on the regular, but I will have a Lunchable at least once a week.  I remember when I was a kid, this would have been what I called “the dream life.”  I’m just living the dream, motherfucker.

“I know this Snickers bar is in my bed somewhere.” -

Yeah, I said that recently.  There are at least seven problems in my life associated with that one statement.  I think I could have probably just used that one statement rather than the previous eight and it would have summed up the entire reason as to why I am single.

But you know what?  That shit is funny to me.  I am not necessarily embarrassed by it because if I saw it on a TV show or movie, it would make me laugh.  I would laugh AT that person and instead I am just laughing at myself.  Go ahead and laugh at me too, because that would also be funny to me.  I’m tired of really giving a shit about whether or not people laugh at me.  As Danny Glover would say, “I am indeed quite advanced in age for this shit.”

So, there are nine reasons as to why I am currently single.  Why nine?  Because I really don’t give a crap if I made it a round number, I just listed some things that seemed interesting to me.  I guess number 10 would be “I don’t really care for round numbers.”

Will I change?  Other than throwing out the shampoo bottles and keeping Almond Snickers bars out of my bed, I am perfectly happy with myself right now.  I never said that it really bothered me that I was single or that I would be changing myself so that I could get into a relationship, I just wanted to show you some reasons as to WHY.

Date me on Twitter

My 99 Problems #12: The Price of Fruit

March 18, 2012 § 5 Comments

If you havin’ girl problems I can sympathize, son

I got 99 problems and this is one

I was at the grocery store today and needed to pick up a few things.  A few dinners, a few lunches, a few snacks.  At the behest of keeping my “skinny clothes” within reason and not stretched out like Goldie Hawn’s face, I try to eat healthy.  I put in work to lose weight and I’d like to keep as much of it off as possible, so I try to steer clear of the cookies (Samoas, thanks!) and chips (Lay’s Salt & Vinegar or just tortilla chips and guac.)

What are the healthy alternatives?  Well, it doesn’t get much better than some good, old-fashioned fruit.  There’s a section with all of the pre-sliced fruit, including my favorite combination: Tropical Tango!

Mango, apples, kiwi, and pineapple.  Fuck.  Yes.

Without question, without hesitation, and without guilt, I will dominate this bucket of sliced fruit in a single sitting.  Maybe all of that natural sugar is still too much, but better than eating a gallon of Moosetracks.  (Would if I could.)

The real problem doesn’t lie in the sugar or in my ability to devour a pound of fruit, but in the cost of purchasing a pound of pre-sliced fruit.  NINE DOLLARS?!  AND THAT’S “ON SALE”?

I hate to spend $9 on a MEAL, let alone a fruitragious snack!!!  What kind of bullshit is this?  Isn’t this the shit that we are SUPPOSED to eat?  The shit that’s pushed on us from the time that our teachers were teaching us about food pyramids since we were six years old?  Where on the food period is “save your fucking pennies though, kids!”?

Between grains and proteins?  Didn’t see it there.

It’s the shit that is still pushed on us by Michelle Obama telling us that are kids are fat.  I am NOT political, and I will not take a stance on anything political here, but just using it as an example that the Presidency is telling us to get fit but not willing to drop the cost of a fucking mango.

And it’s not just fruit.  Try to eat healthy, period.  You can’t even shop at Whole Foods unless you start pulling in six figures or hit a pick six on the lottery.  My fruits, veggies, grains, and proteins all cost extraordinarily more than a double stack at Wendy’s or a JR Whopper.

Bucket of healthy and delicious fruit: $9 on sale.

Jumbaco: $2 and it takes far less time to make a Jumbaco than if I wanted to just buy the fruit whole and cut it myself (and still pay over $10.)

The whole system of buying and selling food is the absolute opposite of the shit that we are preached in school and taught to do as adults.  Not all of us have time to make dinner after a long days work, let alone breakfast after a restless night of sleep.  And if I do want to get breakfast on the go, the options are: Egg McMuffin that will cost a buck and take 2 minutes of your time or cup of fruit that costs $5 and required the additional 5 minutes to go into the store and buy it.

Here’s a novel fucking idea: Make the drive-thru’s for the healthy shit and make the fruit cost $2 and the McMuffin cost $5.  Then we can eat healthy because it’s a CHOICE and not eat unhealthy when it’s a CONVENIENCE.

You can call me out for being “too lazy” to cut my own fruit or cook all of my meals, you can call me “cheap” for bickering over a few bucks, but even if that’s true can we at least agree that the system is fucked up and that it goes AGAINST what we’ve been told about how to eat for our entire lives?

Can we please get that shit right???

For more info on the subject, watch FOOD INC on Netflix Instant.

For more ranting and bullshit, you can follow me on Twitter at my new handle @KennethArthurS

Oh, by the way, I finished my bucket of Tropical Tango in a few hours of short trips to the fridge.  I want to say it’s worth it, but would be more worth it at $5 per bucket.

 

My 99 Problems: #78 /Debit Fee at AM/PM

January 3, 2012 § 4 Comments

If you havin’ girl problems I can relate to you son

I got 99 problems, and this is one…

 

In this country, we’ve become accustomed to complain about some real stupid and trivial shit.  Call it “white people probz” or “1st world probz” or “probz your uncle” but when there’s war going on in many parts of the world, famine, drought, and billions in poverty, how can we possibly bitch about such tiny issues like a .35 cent debit fee?

Because I live in Los Angeles, not in one of those countries.  I’m not trivializing the plight of the billions of people less fortunate than I am, but don’t take away my right to bitch.

Why does AM/PM have to charge 35 cents for every debit transaction?  I know that there are hidden fees that they have to pay for every use of a debit card, but so does every other company and most of them aren’t charging.   I can understand when its “Bob’s Market” or any other family-owned market because they don’t make a billion dollars a year, but you’re AM fucking PM.

You claim that you’ve got Too Much Good Stuff, but apparently not enough to pay your bills without an extra “fuck you” to the consumer for every transaction.  I could carry cash with me, but I shouldn’t have to.  That’s why I opened a checking account and became an adult, so that I could pay for things with this card.

You do have the cheapest gas, but that’s only because we all know you have the cheapest fucking gas.  I don’t care though because my car isn’t worth putting premium gas into because I am so cheap, hence, screw your 35 cent fee.  If you’re 5 cents cheaper per gallon than the guy across the street, but I have to pay with a card, then the first 7 gallons I put in have saved me no money.  So what was the point?

Also, why do I have to fill out a 27-point survey every time I run my card?

- Debit or Credit?

- Enter Pin

- There is a .35 cent fee, do you accept?

- Would you like cash back?

- What’s your opinion on healthcare?

- What did you think of the ending of The Sopranos?

- Is this total correct?

- What does “love” feel like?

I know one way to shorten that bitch; take out the .35 cent fee.  It’s fucked that a company as large as AM/PM actually has to charge their customer 35 cents for every transaction while we already know that you skimp on gas and hire minimum wage workers while charging $1.09 for a corndog that probably cost fifty cents when it was first put into the heating tray years ago.

I used to think that AM/PM was just a reference to morning and night and being open 24/7, but now I know it stands for “All Money/Please More”

I got 99 problems and this is #78.

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