My 99 Problems: Small Talk, Big Problem

October 2, 2012 § 11 Comments

Enough with the small talk.

That’s it.  That’s all I mean.  I don’t mean, “Let’s get down to business.”  What I mean to say is, can we just stop having small talk ever?  As a race, as Americans, as human beings… The last thing that I put on my “To-Do List” this morning when I woke up and cried in the shower was: “Must run into Cathy and find out what she thinks about rain.”

I remember high school.  It was not my favorite four years and so that’s all I ever want to do with high school: REMEMBER IT.  Leave it in the past.  I will never be able to forget it, so instead I’m fine with keeping it right where it is, which is stashed between my first rejection in the seventh grade and my first rejection in community college.  So when I run into somebody that I “know” from school in public, there’s no reason for us to re-live any of it.

In fact, is that even what we’re doing?  Are we re-living it or are we holding onto it while you tell me what you did after you graduated and where you’re working now because this is something I need to know since you dated Jim for three weeks.  Or because we had English together and were in the same group once.  I’m not trying to be a dick about it and act like my experiences and life are better than yours, because they’re not and that’s the point.

My life is boring to everyone except me and my closest inner-circle.  Everybody’s life is really fucking boring.  EVERYBODY.  Why do you think that when a network sets up a reality show with celebrities, rich people, or the flavor of the month (Hi, Honey Boo Boo) they all of a sudden have to sign up for a “blow job class” or go to a haunted house?  Why do you think that after a couple of seasons of the Real World they made them get  jobs and take a trip to Fiji?

Because this shit (life) is boring.  

Oh sure, we have our moments.  That’s why we have stories.  We have.. like… four stories.  Each. By law.  Those four stories take up about 3.5 hours of our lives and then the rest of it is: wake-up, shower, go to work, go home, eat something, sleep.  Maybe you do stuff for entertainment on the weekends and go see a movie but then what story are you left with?

“Yeah, I saw What To Expect When You’re Expecting this weekend!”

“Oh wow.  Tell me more!”

“There isn’t anything more!”

“OH! COOL!” /collapses /dies

Years ago I was walking through the mall and on my way into Nordstrom’s when I saw some girl from high school walking out.  I don’t remember her name or face at this point but I’ll never forget that moment.  We recognized each other but our only acquaintanceship was that I had a crush on one of her best friends and we all went to lunch a couple of times.  You feel this gross magnetic force pulling you into a person when you make eye contact and realize that you “know” them but I did everything in my power to stop it except that I couldn’t.  This was happening.

“Hey, how are you?!”

“I’m good.”

There was about two seconds of silence as we stared shallowly into each others eyes and I realized that this was as far as I was willing to take it.  I said “fuck it” and decided that this was my chance to man-up and finally say what we all want to say in this very moment.  I literally threw my hands up in the air and said, “Well, that’s it.  See ya.”

Just end it, rip the band-aid off, let go of this need to all of a sudden “catch up” and make small talk with a person you haven’t seen in four years.  What’s the worst that could happen?  They’ll hate you?  That could get really awkward when you run into them again in 2016 and still have nothing to say to each other.

The final point in the matter that I want to bring up is the technological elephant in the room that actually managed to capture this awkward moment and stretch it out forever: Facebook.

Holy shit, fuck facebook!

In the beginning, I accepted all friend requests.  “A FRIEND?!  OH BOY I DON’T HAVE MANY OF THOSE SO YES I WILL ACCEPT BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I’M ONLY AT 101 :(  BUT NOW I AM AT 102!!!!”

Over time you realize that all Facebook has done is sully the reputation of what it means to be a friend.  “We saw each other in the hallway once during junior year.  You dropped your apple.  I saw you pick it up and continue eating it without wiping it off and despite the fact that the open side of the apple had touched the floor.  We made eye contact and I rolled my eyes at you but decided not to ever tell another soul.  This is our moment.  This is our only moment.  ACCEPT FRIEND REQUEST?”

When you started to realize that the number of “friends” you had on your Facebook account was nothing more than a status symbol, it should have been the moment you started to realize that the whole site is a sham.  A lie we tell ourselves and then relay to other people, even in silent, knowing that they’ll know how many “friends” you have when they check your page.  I have not deleted my Facebook account but I did do one thing: I looked at all my “friends” and realized that I could get rid of at least 60% just by unfriending anyone who I hadn’t physically spoken to in five years.


I don’t need that awkward moment stretched out until the day that I die, even if it’s as a lonely friendless loser lying in a fetal position in my bathtub full of tears, blood and human waste because one thing I’ll know is that I didn’t die with 350 faux friends or having spent 713 hours of my life locked in an uncomfortable laser beam of conversation that included such hot topics as “What Tiffany had for breakfast this morning” and “Where Jason gets his pants.”

It’s useless.  It’s dumb.  It will not advance you in life one iota.  Since that moment in the mall, one of the most freeing moments of my life, all I have left to say is:

/shrugs. walks away.



3 Things That Have Made Dating, Sex, And Relationships Obsolete

June 7, 2012 § Leave a comment

I’ve been on this wild dating ride for a few years now since my ex and I broke up, and I must say that I’m ready to start looking for other options.  Certainly, “dating” and “love” and “relationships” aren’t the only answers in life, right?

Some of the greatest minds and historical figures in the history of the world were celibate for part of or all of their lives:

Nikola Tesla

Gandhi (from age 36)


George Frideric Handel

J.M. Barrie

Sir Isaac Newton

Queen Elizabeth I

And many others.  For different reasons, all of these people and great minds went without sex.  Can you imagine for a second that in today’s world of mass communication that modern-day entrepreneurs, geniuses, and billionaires like Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates would go forever without sex?  Do you think that Steve Jobs died a virgin?

Can you believe this…

The guy who created The Little Mermaid fell in love with many people (both men and women) and somehow went his entire life without ever having someone love him back!  Hans Christian Anderson, who also created stories such as Thumbelina, The Emporer’s New Clothes, and The Ugly Duckling, once wrote this in his diary:

“Almighty God, thee only have I; thou steerest my fate, I must give myself up to thee! Give me a livelihood! Give me a bride! My blood wants love, as my heart does!”

Hey, this guy wrote The Princess and the Pea… somebody please sleep with him!

But then again, we must consider for a moment that these people would not have been as great if they had been boning (or in the case of Elizabeth or Mother Teresa, been boned) the whole time.  Clearly much of Hans Christian Anderson’s literary genius came from the fact that he felt pain in his heart and it inspired him to write from that pain and give the world something beautiful.

It’s certainly no different than this article I’m writing right now by one of America’s greatest current authors, you’ll see how this piece becomes as great as Thumbelina. :-/  Based off of the fact that like Anderson, I couldn’t get a girl to love me if I paid her.  (Of course, this will change when I move to Nevada someday.)

So thanks ladies for disliking me so much and finding me so repulsive.  If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be able to give you this list of reasons as to why relationships have become obsolete in 2012.  All of you that are married right now, way to go suckers!  You could have just had….


Woah, is Team America still streaming? Goodbye, sex!

It’s amazing how far this DVD home delivery system has come.  From going to a service that mailed (not e-mailed, but go check the physical mailbox mail) movies to your home to being a service that eliminates the need for human companionship!

It used to be that people didn’t have anything to do, so they would get bored and go tell someone that they loved them so that they could have someone with them to be bored.  I know because I watched the first part of Hatflied & McCoys.  People would get so bored that they would tell the daughter of a rival family that they loved her just so they could have some action in their lives.

But now we have plenty of shit to do.  Almost too much shit.  With a Playstation 3 or Xbox 360, the needs to eliminate boredom are taken care of.  Every single day of my life, I can go home and turn on that machine and have 1,000’s of movies and television shows instantly streamed to my picture box.  I literally just re-watched seasons six and seven of The Office again this week rather than finding love.

But it’s cool because now instead I have the firm knowledge that the moment Pam and Jim became unwatchable was the episode right after they had gotten married, re-affirming the belief that marriage is dumb and ruins everything.

Netflix ruins nothing.  Netflix just got Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie.  Did you get Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie, love and sex?  I didn’t think so.

Friendship and Dudes

The love between a man and a man is at an all-time high right now, and I don’t mean gay marriage.  I mean just a couple of bros, sitting around, watching some ‘flix, and drinkin’ some brews.  Bros, Brews, Betflix.

Even chix can get on the flix with each other.  There’s no discrimination when you’re just trying to enjoy a nice Saturday with people that you’re not trying to screw, or date, or “love.”  Waste of time if you ask me!

It used to be that the only people you congregate with were your family.  The nearest family might be four miles away, up there on Old Man McGuffin’s farm.  Then when you turned 15, you got married and got your own farm or something.  Now, the nearest person is right over there and everybody goes to school so you grow up with a lot of friends!  Or in my case, a couple of friends!

Human companionship was once only met by family and love.  Now you have your fellow dudes or ladies to keep you laughin’ and lovin’.  You don’t need a sexual partner to be mentally stimulated during the non-sex parts of your day anymore.  I see movies with my bros.  I’ll go see Prometheus with my Brometheus.  I’ll go get a nice hamburger with my Homie-Bro-gers.

Don’t need a girlfriend or boyfriend to keep you company during the days anymore.

The Internet and the Naked People On It

Have you seen this?  Have you heard about this?  Apparently, thousands of people are using the internet, the same thing that you and I use to send free e-cards to our relatives and to look at pictures of cats with, to look at pictures of…. naked ladies?!?!

That’s right.  In this breaking news story, millions of Americans have typed in “sex video” to the website and found what’s being called “pornography” so that they may pleasure themselves while alone.

Federal police are investigating the matter and finding that both men and women, but mostly men, will go to websites such as,, or in order to ejaculate without the help of a partner.  By using a technique that experts are calling “masturbation” these men will jerk their dicks up and down, simulating intercourse, so that the ejaculate comes out even though there might not be a vagina anywhere in site for which to pro-create.

This can leave a sticky mess but men are using all types of materials (rags, socks, towels, t-shirts, boxers, hats, glossy 8×10’s, friends backs, folding chairs, egg roll wraps, etc.) with which to clean up afterwards.

Women will also look at this pornography, or “por” for short, and use their hands or even toys to stimulate themselves and reach orgasm.  No word on whether or not these toys are action figures, nerf balls, or some other form of toy, but apparently some of them vibrate much like your cellular telephone or my mom’s “back massager.”

This investigative reporter has decided to trying this “jacking off” technique in order to see if it really wor- I am going to go take a nap.

I celibate and I give a bit away!  Actually, I give all of it away.  Seriously, this is like getting a free pen.  Anyone?


7 Lessons from TV Romances of the 90s

June 5, 2012 § 6 Comments

I was a child of the 90s and a child of television, so it goes without saying that my view on real-life romances is somewhat ingrained from 90s TV.  Maybe that’s why I can’t find a girlfriend.

Because real life is not TV and movies.  The stories we watch on the breast tube are meant to be more interesting and engaging than real life because that’s why we watch them.  If they were not, we wouldn’t watch TV because we could get that same entertainment outside.  (Entertainment outside you say?  Yeah right.  Now THAT’S a tall tale, my friend!)

Television romance usually starts with anguished longing for another and so we follow.  We watch and wait and see if our hero will get the girl and inevitably they do.   The two loves are united and as viewers, we are satisfied because that’s what we were waiting for all along.  However, how many of my real life crushes became sweethearts?

I think I’m about 0-for-2,513 in that category.

Relationships don’t always bloom from a crush.  Sometimes they just happen.  Whether organic or forced, sometimes love sparks from a drunken makeout behind a dive bar or from a friend right in front of you that you had never noticed before.  And sometimes, it is from a crush.

But maybe the inherent problem with “crushes” is that they are so one-sided.  If a crush is reciprocated early on, then you should be able to spot it.  Returned flirtation should soon turn into something real and if it doesn’t, then it’s probably never meant to be.  Yet on television, romances almost always start off as unrequited love and almost always turn into the requited version.

I thought for awhile yesterday not about the crushes I had (because that would require me to think about my actual life and NO THANKS!) but on the best television romances that I grew up watching and the lessons we learned from these relationships.

What started as a crush, soon turned into these 90s TV Romances and the lessons we learned:

Ross and Rachel, Friends

Lesson: Sometimes you never get over a crush or past love.

The show may have been called “Friends” but the stage for show was set in the pilot episode when we found out in the beginning that Ross had always loved Rachel and now she had appeared back in his life, without any idea that Ross had ever felt this way.  So everybody was immediately trapped in this universe of “Is Ross going to win her over?”

Which was bullshit because Ross was never my favorite character.  A bit too whiny, know-it-all, and pretentious for my liking, the only characteristic of Ross that I could relate to was this unrequited love that he had been holding onto forever.  And clearly since Rachel was too good and too hot for him, it was almost like additional icing on the cake for every guy that had ever loved a girl that was out of his league.

On-again, off-again, will they ever?, “we were on a break,” the romance literally lasted from episode one to the series finale without ever being a sure thing.  Ross and Rachel will always be remembered as the quintessential television romance of the decade, but the writers knew what they were doing and screw you writers.

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