Full House of Stark, episode 1: Ned Stark and the Fool Gladstone

April 29, 2014 § 1 Comment

Lord Eddard Stark sat alone in his darkened chamber barracks, and knew that now only stone and steel separated him from his final fate. King Joffrey would not listen to reason, and only Ned’s head on a stake would put an end to this melee in his eyes. So he could do no better than sit there, knowing that when first light began to peak through the imperfections in the walls of his jail cell, his fate would finally be sealed.

Ned contemplated everything that had led up to this moment. From Jon Arryn’s death to his placement as Hand of the King, something he had so wished to turn down if only Robert Barratheon wouldn’t have asked him to take on the duty in the first place. He was friend enough to ask for Ned’s help, but not friend enough to realize he was putting Ned and his family in the worst position possible. Should Ned have turned a blind eye to what House Lannister had been doing behind thick, black walls of King’s Landing? If he had, then the Stark family would be safe and he wouldn’t be within an inch of his life at this very moment.

But if Ned had simply ignored it, then he would be going against everything that Winterfell stands for. Everything that House Stark had built over centuries of war, dedication, and preparing for another cold winter.

“Winter is coming,” Ned muttered to himself, believing no one else could hear him in this dank, dark basement cell.

“You’re telling me. Did someone forget to pay the heating bill in this castle, or what?!”

“Hello? Who goes there? This is Lord Eddard Stark, and I’ll be the Hand of the King until Valeryian steel separates brain from body, so I command you to tell me, WHO GOES THERE?!”

And deep in the darkness of the dungeon hallway that led to Lord Stark’s cell, a voice bellowed back, “Are you sure that’s Valeryian steel? Because I think I smell…” suddenly a flame erupts into a torch and amber light begins to bounce and reflect off stone wall to stone well, before the torch is held up to the mysterious man’s face and he finishes his sentence.

“Wood.”

“Who are you? Name yourself!” shouted Ned to the man in the hall.

“Shouldn’t my parents have done that?” he replies. The man approaches closer and closer to Lord Stark’s cell and even as his face grows clearer, Ned still can’t make out his face. This isn’t a man he’s ever laid eyes on before, and as a veteran of the seven kingdoms from King’s Landing to Winterfell to Riverrun, this is one man he’s certainly never seen before. His golden locks feathered themselves around his face and tucked behind his ears like some fair maiden. Instead of mace and boiled leather, he wore just a monk’s tunic that seemed to be covering clothes of color and style unlike anything ever seen in this part of the realms.

“I ask you again, sir or madam, what is your name and what are you doing here? What do you mean to do?”

“Lord Eddard Stark of Winterfell, true Hand of the King and a man that is about to be unjustly beheaded by a false king…. My name is Joey Gladstone and I mean to Cut. You. Out.”

That’s when Gladstone pulled out a large device with dual blades and placed it around the lock that kept Lord Stark in place.

“Ser Gladstone? Of the House of Gladstone? I can’t say I’ve ever heard of your house or family, are you allied with House Arryn?”

“Hmm, I can’t say that I am. There was a boy named Aaron that once pantsed me in the eighth grade. And from that day forth I never left home without my Howard the Duck boxers, so that way I’d always get the last laugh.” The stranger Gladstone snipped Lord Stark’s lock away and swung open the gate to set him free. He swung it back and forth as the creak of thousand-year-old steel echoed throughout the chamber halls. “They could really use some WD-40 on these old bars.”

“Quiet, you’ll awaken the guards outside!”

That’s when Gladstone swung forth a brown bag that he had been carrying around his back. “Who, those men that were out front? I wouldn’t worry about those guys anymore, I gave them a chance to leave alive and when they refused, I gave them a HEAD start.” Ser Gladstone then opened his bag and pulled out the severed head of one of the knights from out front. He held it up next to his own face and said, “Ned, meet the head!”

Gladstone used his hand to open the beheaded man’s mouth open and shut while pretending to speak his own words for him. “Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk. W’oooooah.” All Lord Stark could do at this point is look back in confusion. He couldn’t be mad at this stranger, for he had just set him free so that there may be a chance for him to get back to Catelyn, the girls, his sons, but at the same time he did not know what to make of this man.

“What is this?”

“Oh, that’s Popeye. I guess you wouldn’t really know of him yet, but you will. Then I think we’ll all have a pretty good laugh about that little impression. I’m kind of known for my impressions in my own time and dimensions.” Gladstone then gestured him to follow. “Follow the Gladdowstone Road. Just follow the Gladdowstone Road. Bup-ba-dup-ba-dup-ba-dub-bah dup-bee-ba-bup-a-dee-dah!”

Even if Lord Stark couldn’t make sense of who this was and what had been bestowed upon him by the Gods, he had little choice but to follow. His only other option was to lose his head, and how would he ever see his dear Catelyn again if not to follow this fool? And so it was that Ned walked through the gate and followed Ser Gladstone down the hallway, until seeing a light unlike any other open before him and the stranger.

“Follow me, Ned, this is the only way!”

“How do I know to trust you? How do I know you are nothing more than a bloody fool?!!”

And it was with that, the stranger Gladstone had but a single reply: “I know you are, but what am I-i-i-i-i-i-i” as he trailed off, swallowed up by the light, and seemed to just disappear. Lord Stark didn’t know what magic this was, but before the light could disappear, he jumped in behind the stranger, knowing this may be his only chance.

Ned lost consciousness, but what happened next would change his fate forever.

 “Wake up….

Wake up….

Wake up, San Francisco!”

 

(To be continued…)

7 Lessons from TV Romances of the 90s

June 5, 2012 § 6 Comments

I was a child of the 90s and a child of television, so it goes without saying that my view on real-life romances is somewhat ingrained from 90s TV.  Maybe that’s why I can’t find a girlfriend.

Because real life is not TV and movies.  The stories we watch on the breast tube are meant to be more interesting and engaging than real life because that’s why we watch them.  If they were not, we wouldn’t watch TV because we could get that same entertainment outside.  (Entertainment outside you say?  Yeah right.  Now THAT’S a tall tale, my friend!)

Television romance usually starts with anguished longing for another and so we follow.  We watch and wait and see if our hero will get the girl and inevitably they do.   The two loves are united and as viewers, we are satisfied because that’s what we were waiting for all along.  However, how many of my real life crushes became sweethearts?

I think I’m about 0-for-2,513 in that category.

Relationships don’t always bloom from a crush.  Sometimes they just happen.  Whether organic or forced, sometimes love sparks from a drunken makeout behind a dive bar or from a friend right in front of you that you had never noticed before.  And sometimes, it is from a crush.

But maybe the inherent problem with “crushes” is that they are so one-sided.  If a crush is reciprocated early on, then you should be able to spot it.  Returned flirtation should soon turn into something real and if it doesn’t, then it’s probably never meant to be.  Yet on television, romances almost always start off as unrequited love and almost always turn into the requited version.

I thought for awhile yesterday not about the crushes I had (because that would require me to think about my actual life and NO THANKS!) but on the best television romances that I grew up watching and the lessons we learned from these relationships.

What started as a crush, soon turned into these 90s TV Romances and the lessons we learned:

Ross and Rachel, Friends

Lesson: Sometimes you never get over a crush or past love.

The show may have been called “Friends” but the stage for show was set in the pilot episode when we found out in the beginning that Ross had always loved Rachel and now she had appeared back in his life, without any idea that Ross had ever felt this way.  So everybody was immediately trapped in this universe of “Is Ross going to win her over?”

Which was bullshit because Ross was never my favorite character.  A bit too whiny, know-it-all, and pretentious for my liking, the only characteristic of Ross that I could relate to was this unrequited love that he had been holding onto forever.  And clearly since Rachel was too good and too hot for him, it was almost like additional icing on the cake for every guy that had ever loved a girl that was out of his league.

On-again, off-again, will they ever?, “we were on a break,” the romance literally lasted from episode one to the series finale without ever being a sure thing.  Ross and Rachel will always be remembered as the quintessential television romance of the decade, but the writers knew what they were doing and screw you writers.

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Back to the Nineties: The Top 5 TGIF Sitcom Neighbors!

February 28, 2012 § 5 Comments

If my generation is your generation, then your childhood was captured in a photo that looks like this:

If someone asked you “Who raised you?” you might say something like “You know, the usual.  Mom, Dad, Miller, Boyett…”

We grew up in front of the television and then right around the age of eight, ABC started putting their best television on the air on Friday nights.  Thank God it is Friday, indeed.  It’s time for Perfect Strangers, Full House, Family Matters, Step by Step, etc.  It’s funny how we can define certain eras in our life by television blocks; from TGIF to SNICK to Must See TV and to that 30 minutes on Public Access that you can’t believe they’re allowed to show, even if it is 1:30 AM!

In the late eighties, ABC started to go crazy with comedy blocks and after they had success with “Terrific Tuesday” they decided to expand to Fridays and created “The Friday Fun Club.”  You see, back then sitcoms were made for families and did not feature the adult themes that you normally see in sitcoms today.  Remember that?!  So it was normal to have your best shows on Fridays and Saturdays, and not re-runs of Jag or The Ghost Whisperer.  These days, Fridays and Saturdays are for the old folks.  Back then, it was about us!

In 1989, TGIF officially debuted with a couple of cartoon mice singing: “Time for fun (thank goodness!)/Time for a good laugh (it’s funny!)/Time, time, time, time for fun! (T-T-T-Time!)”  

Yeah, that’s pretty much 1989 in a nutshell for you.

The four shows airing in that 1989 block were Full House, Family Matters, Perfect Strangers, and Just the Ten of Us.  These shows were about families and the wacky antics that families are so commonly known to get themselves into (two prom dates?!) but they were also about the company we keep.  They had friends and neighbors that often stole the show because while the core of your nuclear family had to be somewhat sane, your neighbors could be anything.  And as we know, your neighbors are often a little different because we’re forced into those relationships unlike most.

Perfect Strangers had no real neighbors of note because Larry and Balki were the crux of that show.  They appeared in almost 50 more episodes than any other character.  Just the Ten of Us… I hardly knew ye.  Still, here are the top five friends or neighbors from the TGIF shows that I do remember…

#5 – Monica Devertebrae, Dinosaurs

Dinosaurs was dreamed up by Jim Henson but he died before he could ever see it come to fruition.  A story of a family of dinosaurs known as the Sinclairs living in “60,000,003 BC” debuted on April 26, 1991 and ran on TGIF until 1993.  It’s not the most memorable show but I’m working with what I’ve got.  Monica Devertabrea was the neighbor and best friend of the Sinclair wife, Frances.  She had no memorable lines that I can think of but remember this: “I’m the baby!”

That was a big thing for awhile.

Monica was an Apatosaurus, which is commonly mis-referred to as a Brontosaurus.  If you ever see one of those old, purple-haired ladies with a pearl necklace, refer to her as an Apatosaurus.

Fun Fact: Stuart Pankin, who voiced the father Earl Sinclair, was recently in the Oscar-winning silent film, The Artist.

#4 – Shawn Hunter, Boy Meets World

Fact: Boy Meets World is a legitimately funny show that holds up much better over time than Family Matters ever will.  In watching re-runs on ABC Family when I was 25 younger, I found myself having actual laughs not at the show (as if it was Full House) but with the show.  The adventures of Cory, Shawn, Eric, Topanga, and Mr. Feeny were good even into their college years, giving it a much better send-off to advanced education than the Saved by the Bell crew.

Boy Meets World ran on TGIF from 1994-1999 and was the story of Fred Savage’s younger brother meeting the world and getting boners in class when he looked at Topanga.   Shawn was the best friend of Cory, and not really a neighbor but he sure felt like one seeing as how he was always at the house.  (Because he was basically homeless and his parents did not love him.)

Despite my genuine affection for the show, I rank Shawn 4th for several reasons:

  • He is played by Rider Strong.  What kind of a name is Rider Strong?  You can blame your parents (his fathers name is King) for that one!
  • I never liked the fact that he was supposed to be sort of the “bad influence, bad boy” to Cory and then all of a sudden turned into the biggest pussy on the show at other times.
  • Way too dramatic and serious.

I’ll give Shawn credit for being the first white young man on TV to have a black girlfriend, but otherwise the stars of the show were… all of the other main characters, including Matthew Lawrence!

3. Cody, Step by Step

In 1991, Miller and Boyett produced another mega-hit when they got this guy:

and this lady:

to get married and bring their wretched kids together because neither one of them wanted to do it on their own.  They fucking HATED raising their kids alone and they each had three.  It was like The Brady Bunch but totally different because it wasn’t that they each had boys or girls, because you see they each had boys AND girls.  So it was totally different.

You see Frank Lambert had a girl that was like a boy and Carol Foster-Lambert had a boy that acted like a little girl.  And then Frank had a boy named JT that was totally a guys guy and then Carol had a girl named Karen that was totally a girly-girl.  Then you had Dana the bitch and then Frank had another little boy that literally nobody remembers.  At this point comedy was merely a formality.

As if that wasn’t enough, Frank’s nephew Cody ended up moving into the backyard.  He lives in his van.  He promises he’s not going to rape anyone.  Per Wiki, here are Cody’s catchphrases:  “Dude!” “Dude-sy!” “No way!” and “Ch-yeah!”

Those catchphrases undoubtedly will go down in history as some of the greatest of all-time.

2. Steve Urkel, Family Matters

Miller-Boyett’s answer to The Cosby Show was a spin-off from Perfect Strangers that centered around The Winslows: Carl, Harriette (the last known Harriette), Eddie, Laura, and Judy.  But they soon realized that their show sucked and so mid-way through the first season they introduced the neighbor-boy Steve Urkel and nerdy black kids were officially created for the first time.  (You’re welcome Tyler, The Creator)

Urkel’s entire motivation in life was to bang Laura, even though she was a complete biotch to him.  He should have dropped her quick but 90s TV taught us that nerds love black chicks and then those black chicks are mean to nerds and then they’re still hopelessly in love for all time.  (Screech and Lisa)

Steve… you built a fucking time machine.  You also built a machine that changes people’s personalities.  You’re going to be richer than Zuckerberg, Gates, and Jobs combined.  Don’t trip on Laura f-ing Winslow, okay?  Get over it.

(And Screech, you built a robot.  An actual robot that communicates and seems to have feelings.  Get over Lisa Turtle.)

And to answer your question Urkel; Yes, you did that.  You actually fucking did that.  You built a jetpack that sent you all the way over to the Step by Step household and showed them how to do the Urkel.  You don’t need to be Stefan.  Stefan sucks.  These aren’t the kinds of lessons that we want to teach young geniuses.  If you do, I’ll never get an iPad 10 or a 4D television because every nerd that ever wanted to bang a “6″ will focus more on how to get her to fall in love with him than how to transcend the space-time continuum.  Get over it.

1. Kimmy Gibbler, Full House

The God damn dominator of TGIF was Full House, which ran from 1987 to 1995.  The show started with heartbreak when it opened on a family that was still getting over the death of the mother and then quickly turned to redemption when the sleazy, greasy uncle and the creepy, in-no-relation-to-the-family friend moved in and helped Danny Tanner raise his three little girls.  It was clear that Danny needed help raising three little girls when he… let those two help raise his little girls!

Still, they somehow made it work and everything turned out to be fine.  Though I still don’t condone Joey taking advantage of Danny in a time of need because he needed a place to stay because he was a shitty comedian.  Reason 1 that you are a broke, loser comedian: You work in San Francisco and never seem to do a show, ever.  Most comedians end up doing several shows a night, every night of the week, hoping to catch their big break.  GO DO SOME WORK JOEY!

Living next door to the Tanners (and the other two) were the Gibblers.  We never got to know any of the Gibblers except for one, D.J. Tanner’s best friend Kimmy.  She was always over at the house even though everyone seemed to literally hate her, including D.J.  I’m not even kidding when I say that the adults treated this pre-teen like she was a full-grown adult that could handle such severe bullying from a group of men.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Kimmy was one of the first cases of Cyber-Bullying, but she was strong enough to overcome it.

Gibbler didn’t follow trends, she set them:

Kimmy, you may have sucked at life, but you told it how it was.  You weren’t afraid to speak your mind and to call out Danny and Jesse on their shit when nobody else would.  You were constantly bullied for being a freak, but you didn’t let that change who you were.  Even to this day, there are people that still hate you and the bullying continues.  But I’m sure someone out there, you’re just letting it all slide off of your deformed, probably scoliosis-riddled back.  And for that, you have earned the #1 spot on this list.

Now go home, Kimmy.

You can follow me on Twitter, did you know that?

Live Blogging: Full House Drinking Game

February 9, 2012 § 6 Comments

Trying something new tonight.

My roommate Jon and I have a Full House drinking game.  I’m going to be live-blogging it in an effort to see what happens when I A) Live Blog and more importantly B) Blog when I’m drunk.

I don’t know what I hope to accomplish but I know what I hope I don’t accomplish: Breaking the shit out of my MacBook.  I just bought this son of a bitch like two months ago.

Here are the rules to the Full House drinking game:

Drink when

  • Danny mentions cleaning
  • A catch phrase is used, such as: “You got it dude,” “How rude,” “Have mercy,” or “Cut. It. Out.”
  • When somebody says Comet
  • When somebody makes fun of Kimmy Gibler
  • When Jesse mentions his hair
  • When Joey does a voice
  • When “the music” plays
  • When there’s a hug

To start out this game, I’ll be drinking a large Arrogant Bastard, and then moving onto Coors Light when that’s done.  Because it’s a lot easier to drink shitty bear if you pre-game with a good beer.  I pre-funk beer with beer.

We’re also going to be trying to Podcast this experiment, and we’ll see what happens.  If it turns into something listenable, then I’ll share it.  Honestly, I’ve never podcasted before, so who knows!  Probably useless!

Stay tuned for more updates throughout the night.  First update coming soon!

6:57 – Had a shot of Makers Mark and half of my Arrogant Bastard.  The festivities begin in 5 minutes!!!!!!

7:04 – Podcast begins…. NOW!  Well, for me.  That doesn’t mean shit to you right now.  We will be watching season 1, episode 13, entitled “Sisterly Love”  DJ Auditions for a cereal commercial.  “Green eyed monster” is in the description.

7:15 – 5 minutes into the podcast. Pretty drunk already. Kinda.  Hard to write, podcast, and watch Full House.

7:29 – Getting kind of drunk, but still typing pretty well.  This is not yet successful!

Talking about Leonardo DiCaprio, and our biggest crushes in high school.  This is probably a major fail.  But that’s okay.  Fails are what make the world collapse.

7:35 – One episode down!  Basically watched none of it, but did continue to drink and get drunk.  Have any of you ever gotten drunk before?

7:47 – Onto season 8, episode 1. We skipped over ALL of the good Michelle seasons.

7:48 – YOU DONT KICK JESSE OUT OF JESSE AND THE RIPPERS!!!!

7:53 – Roger Lodge of Blind Date is the dummer in Jesse and the Rippers.

8:00 – This is DJs boyfriend for a short moment in season 8:

loser

8:02 – We can NEVER release this podcast.  It’s the most offensive thing ever.

8:26 – How can I get a drunker to make this more entertaining? I’m drinking as hard as I can!!!

8:27 – We are now watching season 4, episode 21. “The Hole In The Wall Gane”

I mean gang! First fuck up!

Okay, let’s talk about this episode for a second, its one of the most interesting episodes of a TV show ever.  Most shows have a moral and people learn their lesson.  HOWEVER!  In this episode, DJ and Stephanie make a hole in Danny’s bedroom wall and cover it up.  You’d think they get caught and that Danny talks to them about fucking up, but NO.  They get away with it and sing the “Dad dad dad” song and NEVER GET CAUGHT.  Visa vee, they never learn a lesson! They never learn that it’s wrong to fuck up someone else’s property.  The moral is “Fuck up, cover it up, you’ll  be okay.”

That’s what makes it one of the most important episodes of television ever, because the show that’s all about morals says, “FUCK MORALS!  WE DO WHAT WE WANT! We’ll get away With it!”

Full House, The Hole In The Wall Gang.

8:42 – OK.  Update.  Still getting drunk but hard to pay attention to Full House.  Now listening to Music.  However, when I typed Houe it didn’t come up as an incorrect spelling so I’ll have to find out what Houe means.

Houp has a squiggly red line.

Hore doesn’t.

Houas does.

Housr does.

Huse does NOT.

LEARN WORDS.

ITS LIKE GOLD DUST!!!!

8:45 – Do you ever Tweet my articles or follow me on Twitter?  @casetines  Shameless plug.

8:46 – I think I’ll learn a lot about myself through this process.  By the way, I talked to the girl that “dumped” me yesterday.  She read what I wrote about her.  It was… “interesting.”

8:52 – I think I know now why people don’t podcast drunk. ITS HARD. But I am determined to master it.

Cause I drink a lot.

Okay, which character on Full House is the hottest:

Becky, THEN.

Dj, NOW

Stephanie, NOW

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, NOW

?

I say… it’s like this:

DJ Now (Candace Cameron)

Becky, THEN

Stephanie NOW (Sweeten)

And the Olsen Twins now.

Mary Kate and Ashley spiked in the whole “18 countdown” and then got weird.  But seriously, am I right?

8:58 – Let’s find a way to make a funny full house picture, shall we?

9:06 – Thats pretty ridiculously hot though huh?

I worked as an extra on a show here in Hollywood a couple of years ago and saw Candace Cameron, because she was on the show.  It was about gymnastics.  Eight is enough or something, it was called.  She looks pretty good.

9:13 – What’s your 10 favorite 80s songs?

9:20 – Lost track of everything. Most important key about tonight: Keep your fingers on the home row and you won’t fuck up your typing.  That shit is so engrained into your psyche that it’s insane.  Ooh, I just got a text back from this girl. While I typed this. And now I’m telling you. Why though?  Either you don’t care or you do by you don’t know the context.  Okay, here’s the context: We went out once. She’s six years older than me, but she’s so gorgeous.  That’s the context?  damn, i need ot work on finding better context.  oh, i guess i stopped caring about fixing my spelling. is that how you know youre drunk?  i guess so.

9:30 – I am still drinking.  Now we are listening to music. Sorry Full House?

9:38 – Apparently, I temporarily changed the name of this post to “QZ”  Which I don’t remember doing but this is what happens people.  It reminds me of Queensland.  I’ve been there BEE TEE DUBS.  Its awesome.  Go live in Australia.

Holy shit, I stopped talking about Full House for TOO LONg.  Let’s talk about it.  Jodi Sweetin… what a hottie.  Stopp smoking that crank, amirite?

9:44 – Remember that picture of Jodi Sweetin?

Here:

Holy shit.

9:49 – It’s time to look at candace cameron though, am i right?

Oh Mylanta?  She was a bit thicker when I met her.  I don’t discriminate between thick or skinny.  I just don’t remember her being this

thin.

She definitely looks like she passed out on a treadmill a time or two.

9:53- have you ever tried to crumble your own empire?

10:02 – doing this alone now. is anyone still with me? im drinking and listening to music. holy shit this live blog became a chatroom of sort didnt it? except no one is chatting with me. Lol? or lol :(?  lol.

10:06 – has it really only been four minutes?

10:16 – okay, what does kimmy gibler look like now?

kimmy gibbler now

yep.  that’s about right.

10:27 – It’s almost 10:30 and I’m considering getting dressed and going out.  This is how I get “crunk” as it were.  I believe it was Shakespeare that said “If one is to get drunk in a time of the monarchy, than one should get crunk for thy biotches and thy wenches. Am I not right?”

It is now 10:41 and I don’t know if I should stay or should I go.  but… let’s look at Becky?

Lori Loughlin... daddy likey

 

Am I a horrible person?  She’s gorgeous.

 

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