Google Searches: Near Death Experiences, Decapitation, UFOs, and What Celebrities Are Gay?

July 5, 2012 § 2 Comments

Google is probably the most amazing and useful technological tool that the average person uses every day.  That’s kind of crazy to say about a search engine, but it’s got to be true or very close to true because the answer to almost every question is right at your fingertips whereas before people had to guess, lie, or remain in the dark every time they pondered something.

Or go to a library I guess.  What’s a library?

My favorite part of Google is definitely “Google suggest” when it already knows what you’re going to ask before you get finished asking it.  You thought you were original, but you probably weren’t.  Even better, you thought you wanted to know THIS and then all of a sudden in the middle of typing your question to Google it suggests something else and now you decide you really want to know THAT.  My favorite example of all-time was when it was raining outside and I decided I want to know if birds can fly in the rain.  It might seem like a stupid question but there are no stupid questions, there are only really dumb questions.

I started to type “Can birds fly” and then the suggestions come up:

“Can birds fly at night”

“Can birds fly in the rain”

“Can birds fly backwards”

I then decided that what I really wanted to know if birds could fly backwards or upside down.  I went there and immediately I found a Yahoo Question that was one of my favorite Yahoo Questions of all-time:

“Why can birds fly but flies can’t bird?”

I don’t know if that question is still on Yahoo but damn it is a great one!

We all use Google to find random factoids and so I figured that a fun new series would be to share with the world what I Googled this week.  Maybe it will be interesting for others to find this kind of stuff out?  To share my findings and my random thoughts during a given week.  Or maybe it won’t be, whatever.  I’m going to do it anyway!

Here are some of my recent Google searchs:

“Near Death Experiences”

You only need to type in “near” for Google to suggest “near death experiences” at the #1 suggestion.  I’ve recently become obsessed and consumed with trying to find out what happens when you die.  (You need to type in ‘what happens’ for Google to suggest ‘what happens when you die’ which is the second hit after “what happens in Vegas” so that really helps put our national idea of what’s important into perspective.)

Of course, nobody knows exactly what happens when you die but people have died and come back and many have shared the same tales of bright lights, tunnels, and seeing dead relatives.  Near-death.com is the top hit for Near Death Experiences and is full of links and information regarding near death experiences.  It’s really interesting stuff.

By lowering the body temperature, you can actually remain dead for hours and be brought back to life.  Many people have recounted similar experiences and actually being able to float out of their body and see what’s happening below them, oftentimes in an operating room.  I was led to one of the most famous accounts of this by a woman named Pam Reynolds.  She had brain surgery in 1991 and was completely brain dead for a time but when was revived and awake, was able to recount particular details that she could not have known unless she was actually in the room watching what was happening.  How is this possible unless the soul really can escape the body after death and go off to heaven or being a ghost or whatever?

Well, of course there are critics of this and skeptics.  According to her Wikipedia page, they have cited that some of Pam’s memories actually occurred while she was under anesthesia and not when she was dead.  It’s possible that she was just really out of it but managed to pick up the sounds and conversations in the room and make an educated guess on what was going on.  Others have also said that EEG monitoring of your brain waves isn’t 100% accurate, so it’s possible that she was not dead or not dead for very long.

That’s another interesting point though: What is “dead”?

Amazingly, I came across “Moment of Death” randomly on Netflix last night and thought “DAMN I NEED TO WATCH THIS NOW!”  The National Geographic documentary specifically highlights the debate about when you are actually dead, as well as near death experiences. Are you dead when you stop breathing?  When your heart stops?  When your brain shuts down?  When your cells die?

Even after your heart stops pumping blood to the other parts of your body, your organs go into shutdown mode but it takes a couple of hours.  The rest of your body is TRYING to stay alive, even if it’s futile.  You know in the movies when a person’s head is chopped off and they blink a few times and you think “Yeah, WHATEVAH DUDE!”?  Turns out that it’s not science fiction.  Oftentimes in history when the guillotine was the most popular execution device, it was reported that heads would blink, speak, gives looks, and move their mouths.  However, it’s mostly anecdotes and often thought among the science crowd to just be random muscle twitching or automatic reflex action.

It’s said that Antoine Lavoisier was asked to blink after he was beheaded and that he actually blinked 12-15 times.  Probably Morse code for “Screw you guys.”

The truth of the matter is that we couldn’t know for 100% certainty unless we cut someone’s head off, re-attached it and brought the person back to life to tell us whether they meant to mouth the words “Fuck You” or if it was random muscle twitching.

Back to the movie Moment of Death for a second though.  It’s hard to say when you actually die (and Terri Schiavo was brought up for the fact that some people believe you’re actually dead when your “personality” is gone) but I think we can all agree that it happens to the best of us.  It used to be that people were so afraid of being buried alive that you’d be kept above ground with a string attached to your finger and a bell for several days before they’d actually consider you ready for burial.  (They never once had a case of a person ringing the bell.)

But what about near death experiences?  The most damning piece of evidence to me, when it comes to whether or not near death experiences are actually you leaving your body and going to heaven or whatever, is “High-G Training.”

Pilots-in-training are put into a centrifuge and tested against high speeds where they have to hit like 9 G’s of force and test whether or not they can handle it.  Many of the pilots pass out during this test and completely lose consciousness but are nowhere near actual death… they just black out because the brain loses blood during this experiment.  (I’m not an expert but this is what my research has told me.)  What I do know is that pilots report back there experiences from blacking out in the centrifuge:

A bright light, tunnel, dead relatives, out of body experience.  Identical reports to near death experiences except these pilots were nowhere near death.  Lame.

“Parapsychology”

I’m going to make this one much briefer and not even related to Parapsychology, really.  Near death experiences fall under the umbrella of parapsychology and I was led to this page when I went down the Wikipedia rabbit hole, an even more dangerous rabbit hole than the Google rabbit hole.

Parapsychology studies things like telepathy, reincarnation, and near death experiences but has nothing to do with The X-Files.  They don’t care about UFOs, bigfoot, or ghosts.  However, that’s where my brain led me to and I just want to get this off my chest:

EVERYBODY HAS A CAMERA NOW.  ITS IN YOUR POCKET.  IF GHOSTS EXISTED, WE SHOULD HAVE EVIDENCE.  IF YOU SAW A LEGIT UFO, THERE SHOULD BE EVIDENCE.  IF YOU SAW BIGFOOT, OR THE LOCH NESS MONSTER, OR A CHUPACABRA, WHERE ARE THE PICTURES OR VIDEOS?

There were valid excuses for not having hardcore evidence of ghosts and aliens in the past.  People used to burn innocent girls for being witches and it seems harsh now but why wouldn’t you believe it in the 1700s?  Seems legit because my grandpa said witches are real, right?  Well, we soon realized that it was stupid and now with communication, we can easily transfer information in seconds.

NOT A REAL PHOTO BUT IT SHOULD BE

I believe in aliens.  As in, I believe that there are probably thousands of civilizations in the universe that we don’t know about.  But they’ve probably never been here.  Ancient Aliens is a terribly stupid show.  Why wouldn’t a UFO just once fly over Manhattan?  Why wouldn’t we have a hardcore video showing a UFO that nobody would show?  Oh, the government wouldn’t allow it?  If I had shot a UFO video that was real, I wouldn’t let the government stand in my way of sharing it with the world and getting those dollar bills and fame for being the first guy to have real evidence of E.T. and it wouldn’t be hard for me to do since I have a camera in my pocket 24/7.

I want to believe in ghosts but the only “Evidence” of ghosts is on Ghosts Hunters when it would really be on THE NEWS if it were legit.

Let’s stop kidding ourselves until someone has some real video of some of these things.  It wouldn’t be that hard to do, considering that big brother is always watching.

“What Celebrities are Gay”

Anderson Cooper was in the news this week for coming out of the closet that nobody thought he was in (I mean, the sky is blue too, right?) and so it got me curious to see a reminder of what other celebrities were gay.

Gay, straight, bi, tri, I don’t care what you are.  Get married, though I don’t know why you would want to.  Straight people should probably be protesting to have straight marriages banned, considering how often they end in divorce.  But I have no problems with gay people and definitely think they should have all the same rights as everyone else.  Just the fact that we even have to debate this is terrible.

But I wanted to know what other celebrities were gay.  I was honestly shocked how long it took for Google to know what I wanted, when you consider the fact that you can type almost any actors name into Google and one of the top hits is “Will Smith gay” or “Ryan Gosling gay” for basically every guy in Hollywood.  We all just seem to want to put rumors around these people for being gay.  I think that some of them definitely are.  I think that John Travolta probably is, though it’s none of our business really.  (I do think it would be cool if more of them just came out and represented their beliefs for that community.)

Realistically, acting is kind of an effeminate occupation but we never talk about it like that. Look, there are a lot of gay women in the WNBA.  I read a quote from one woman that used to play in the league that is already “out” and she said:

“I don’t know how many women in the WNBA are lesbians but I think it would be easier to tell you which ones weren’t rather than which ones were.”  (I’m paraphrasing but that’s pretty close to the actual quote if not exact.)

I only know one girl that played college basketball and she’s a lesbian and she said most of the girls on the team were too.  My point being: Certain occupations are going to have gender identities that sway harder towards gay or straight.  It wouldn’t surprise me if acting was one of those occupations.  It might only be 15%, but that’s higher than average.  It’s hard to say exactly how many people in the US are gay, because not everyone is out and not everyone cares to share, which is fine, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the number was slightly higher in acting for men.

I also think that sometimes men have so much heterosexual sex when they’re famous that they can become bored and start experimenting with other stuff.  Seriously, wouldn’t a guy like Channing Tatum just have so much sex that he can’t help but try on a different style?  I developed this theory after having accidentally come across a friends internet history and seeing some tranny porn listed, which really surprised me because I know this friend is straight and that he has very regular sex with lots and lots of women.  Maybe to the point where he just became bored.  Just a theory.

There are some celebrities that are gay and in the closet, this is a fact and not all of them are as “assumed” as Anderson Cooper.  Perhaps they’re afraid that coming out for them won’t be as successful as it was for Ellen DeGeneres.  Perhaps they just don’t think it’s your business.  It actually isn’t.

Though it may not seem like it at times,  I also want to reveal something to the world: I’m straight.  There, I said it.  Sure, I have as much sex with women as Anderson Cooper does, but I really wanted to get that off of my chest.  It really does feel better!

“What Celebrity Do I Look Like”

Like I said, “What celebrities are gay” doesn’t even come up on the Google suggest for “what celebrities.”  The suggestions are “What celebrities are instagram,” “live in Malibu,” “smoke” and “are wearing.”

However one of the first hits for “What celeb” is “What celebrity do I look like?” so I immediately went to that and found a facial recognition scanner on Myheritage.com.  My three friends and I all took pictures and went for the facial recognition scanner and I wasn’t very successful.  While my asshole friend Marcus got comparisons like Paul Walker and Dave Navarro, I wasn’t so lucky.

UDAY HUSSEIN?!

Apparently I look like the son of Saddam Hussein, which basically means that I look like Saddam himself.  Though I don’t have any real facial hair or big bushy eyebrows, this is the comp I got, though it was only 60%.

I don’t really look like any celebrity, which is why I ran this test.  The best compliment I’ve ever received is probably that I looked like a fat Channing Tatum.  I wish I would have stuck with that and not the son of a madman, who was also a madman.

“I Was on Pawn Stars”

I wasn’t on Pawn Stars but I wanted to hear some real life accounts of people that were on the show to see what it was REALLY like.  For some reason, these aren’t easy to find.  I’m going to keep looking…

Back to the Google!

3 Things That Have Made Dating, Sex, And Relationships Obsolete

June 7, 2012 § Leave a comment

I’ve been on this wild dating ride for a few years now since my ex and I broke up, and I must say that I’m ready to start looking for other options.  Certainly, “dating” and “love” and “relationships” aren’t the only answers in life, right?

Some of the greatest minds and historical figures in the history of the world were celibate for part of or all of their lives:

Nikola Tesla

Gandhi (from age 36)

Kierkegaard

George Frideric Handel

J.M. Barrie

Sir Isaac Newton

Queen Elizabeth I

And many others.  For different reasons, all of these people and great minds went without sex.  Can you imagine for a second that in today’s world of mass communication that modern-day entrepreneurs, geniuses, and billionaires like Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates would go forever without sex?  Do you think that Steve Jobs died a virgin?

Can you believe this…

The guy who created The Little Mermaid fell in love with many people (both men and women) and somehow went his entire life without ever having someone love him back!  Hans Christian Anderson, who also created stories such as Thumbelina, The Emporer’s New Clothes, and The Ugly Duckling, once wrote this in his diary:

“Almighty God, thee only have I; thou steerest my fate, I must give myself up to thee! Give me a livelihood! Give me a bride! My blood wants love, as my heart does!”

Hey, this guy wrote The Princess and the Pea… somebody please sleep with him!

But then again, we must consider for a moment that these people would not have been as great if they had been boning (or in the case of Elizabeth or Mother Teresa, been boned) the whole time.  Clearly much of Hans Christian Anderson’s literary genius came from the fact that he felt pain in his heart and it inspired him to write from that pain and give the world something beautiful.

It’s certainly no different than this article I’m writing right now by one of America’s greatest current authors, you’ll see how this piece becomes as great as Thumbelina. :-/  Based off of the fact that like Anderson, I couldn’t get a girl to love me if I paid her.  (Of course, this will change when I move to Nevada someday.)

So thanks ladies for disliking me so much and finding me so repulsive.  If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be able to give you this list of reasons as to why relationships have become obsolete in 2012.  All of you that are married right now, way to go suckers!  You could have just had….

Netflix

Woah, is Team America still streaming? Goodbye, sex!

It’s amazing how far this DVD home delivery system has come.  From going to a service that mailed (not e-mailed, but go check the physical mailbox mail) movies to your home to being a service that eliminates the need for human companionship!

It used to be that people didn’t have anything to do, so they would get bored and go tell someone that they loved them so that they could have someone with them to be bored.  I know because I watched the first part of Hatflied & McCoys.  People would get so bored that they would tell the daughter of a rival family that they loved her just so they could have some action in their lives.

But now we have plenty of shit to do.  Almost too much shit.  With a Playstation 3 or Xbox 360, the needs to eliminate boredom are taken care of.  Every single day of my life, I can go home and turn on that machine and have 1,000’s of movies and television shows instantly streamed to my picture box.  I literally just re-watched seasons six and seven of The Office again this week rather than finding love.

But it’s cool because now instead I have the firm knowledge that the moment Pam and Jim became unwatchable was the episode right after they had gotten married, re-affirming the belief that marriage is dumb and ruins everything.

Netflix ruins nothing.  Netflix just got Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie.  Did you get Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie, love and sex?  I didn’t think so.

Friendship and Dudes

The love between a man and a man is at an all-time high right now, and I don’t mean gay marriage.  I mean just a couple of bros, sitting around, watching some ‘flix, and drinkin’ some brews.  Bros, Brews, Betflix.

Even chix can get on the flix with each other.  There’s no discrimination when you’re just trying to enjoy a nice Saturday with people that you’re not trying to screw, or date, or “love.”  Waste of time if you ask me!

It used to be that the only people you congregate with were your family.  The nearest family might be four miles away, up there on Old Man McGuffin’s farm.  Then when you turned 15, you got married and got your own farm or something.  Now, the nearest person is right over there and everybody goes to school so you grow up with a lot of friends!  Or in my case, a couple of friends!

Human companionship was once only met by family and love.  Now you have your fellow dudes or ladies to keep you laughin’ and lovin’.  You don’t need a sexual partner to be mentally stimulated during the non-sex parts of your day anymore.  I see movies with my bros.  I’ll go see Prometheus with my Brometheus.  I’ll go get a nice hamburger with my Homie-Bro-gers.

Don’t need a girlfriend or boyfriend to keep you company during the days anymore.

The Internet and the Naked People On It

Have you seen this?  Have you heard about this?  Apparently, thousands of people are using the internet, the same thing that you and I use to send free e-cards to our relatives and to look at pictures of cats with, to look at pictures of…. naked ladies?!?!

That’s right.  In this breaking news story, millions of Americans have typed in “sex video” to the website http://www.Google.com and found what’s being called “pornography” so that they may pleasure themselves while alone.

Federal police are investigating the matter and finding that both men and women, but mostly men, will go to websites such as Sex.com, YouPorn.com, or LactatingMommies.org in order to ejaculate without the help of a partner.  By using a technique that experts are calling “masturbation” these men will jerk their dicks up and down, simulating intercourse, so that the ejaculate comes out even though there might not be a vagina anywhere in site for which to pro-create.

This can leave a sticky mess but men are using all types of materials (rags, socks, towels, t-shirts, boxers, hats, glossy 8×10’s, friends backs, folding chairs, egg roll wraps, etc.) with which to clean up afterwards.

Women will also look at this pornography, or “por” for short, and use their hands or even toys to stimulate themselves and reach orgasm.  No word on whether or not these toys are action figures, nerf balls, or some other form of toy, but apparently some of them vibrate much like your cellular telephone or my mom’s “back massager.”

This investigative reporter has decided to trying this “jacking off” technique in order to see if it really wor- I am going to go take a nap.

I celibate and I give a bit away!  Actually, I give all of it away.  Seriously, this is like getting a free pen.  Anyone?

 

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