December 27, 2011 § Leave a comment
I have never understood the whole “Ewww, girls, cooties!” thing that I keep hearing about small children. At what point was I supposed to start liking girls? Is it wrong that I can never remember a time when I didn’t want to contract cooties from girls?
As a child that watched a lot of TV and movies, I was bombarded with girls that I wanted to get cooties from. At one point it may have been Jenny McCarthy when she was on Singled Out or maybe Carmen Electra when she was on Singled Out, but sometimes the girls were actually my age too.
It’s not creepy that I had a crush on Alex Mack because she is actually a year and a half older than me.
In the first installment of the Nickelodeon TV show, Alex comes into contact with some nuclear sludge that apparently gives her special powers, including: telekinesis, turning into a puddle of liquid, and giving me one of my first boners.
Again, she is older than me.
Alex Mack was played on TV by Larisa Oleynik, who was born on June 7, 1981. I was born in December of 1982. I can not emphasize this enough. Oleynik became a symbol of beauty to all young boys (and to some pedophiles) throughout her early career, which included guest appearances on Boy Meets World and 3rd Rock from the Sun.
I can feel the pain of Cory Matthews and his failed romance with Oleynik. No wonder I felt that I was also a boy meeting the world during my entire childhood. I wanted everybody on TV in the movies that had a chance with Oleynik to win her over because then I could find out what it would take. I lived vicariously through fictitious male characters.
In 1999, Oleynik won the part of “Bianca” in the movie 10 Things I Hate About You but the only thing I hated was that Oleynik was supposed to play second fiddle to Julia Stiles. Why the hell should I care if Heath Ledger falls in love with Stiles? She doesn’t have shit on Larisa! I mean, come on, Alex Mack never went on to be a psycho ex-girlfriend of Dexter and I think we all saw that coming back in ’99.
The Secret World of Alex Mack ran for an incredible four seasons and 75 episodes between 1994 and 1998 before Oleynik disappeared into relative obscurity in the latter part of her acting career, which included a movie titled “Relative Obscurity.”
Alex Mack also had an older sister, Annie, but she paled in comparison to her younger counter-part. To her credit, the actress the played her is giving Oleynik a run for money these days:
How much of a run for her money all these years later? Is Oleynik still the beauty and ideal mate that I had always hoped for? Whenever she pops up on TV for guest starring appearances, I can’t help but say “Hell Yes.” To this day, I still contemplate dumping toxic chemicals on myself in the hopes that I will have special powers that will attract Larisa.
She’s made guest appearances on Mad Men, Psych, and Hawaii Five-0, to name a few, and is currently rocking a short cut. Some guys don’t like girls with short hair, but just look at this face:
Oleynik is an example of how hair can get in the way of a perfect 10 face. One can grow biased towards a “childhood crush” and I could never forget rushing to watch SNICK every week to see the latest installment. If I was born in 1970, then this would probably be a bad thing… but did I mention I am younger than Alex Mack?
Some may also say that if you have a crush on an “Alex with short hair” that you’ve probably got some soul-searching to do, but those people can go to hell.
Larisa Oleynik and I had a one-sided relationship that shaped my real-life crushes. Not just because I wanted to find a girl that had telekinetic powers (though that would be great) or was drenched in mud (though that’s a whole ‘nother kind of attraction) but because Alex Mack was an outsider. She was different. And I wanted to hang out with her, not just because of how she looked, but because I wanted to be a part of that Secret World. I wanted to be “different” with her.
I haven’t watched Alex Mack in a very long time, but I’ll always be rooting for Oleynik to find another big break like she had in 1994, and I can re-start this crush all over again.