Man who walk through turnstyle backwards, may end up in weird Thailand sex city: Part II of the podcast

September 23, 2013 § 2 Comments

And during your patient wait since part I, of which I’m sure there were any number of you waiting for the exciting continuation of my podcast detailing my trip to Thailand (any number between one and two), I have finally put part II down on audio record.

Let’s just say that Thailand has a… reputation, and Khaosan Road in Bangkok hardly does that reputation justice. While there are definitely ladies (and boys) of the night strolling Khaosan Road at night looking for business, as well as your Tuk Tuk (taxi) drivers that are saying “ping pong show?” under their breath (prostitution and the sex trade is not technically on the up-and-up, but prosecuting that activity in Thailand would be like outlawing gambling in Nevada), the truth is that we were pretty far from the red light district.

In this issue of the podcast, I talk about how Marcus and I tour the most sacred temple in Bangkok with two German girls — in which both Marcus and one of the girls end up desecrating the holiness and cleanliness of the Buddhist sanctuary. (Not in that way… you’ll just have to listen to find out.) And then on Day 3, Marcus and I travel to a place called Pattaya, where we thought that “it’s a great place to party!” meant something entirely different than what it turned out to be.

What it turned out to be was that “Thailand reputation” times 100, unlike anything I have ever seen or expected from the “sex trade reputation” that Thailand has, including a trip down the most surreal road I’ve ever been down.

Sidenote: I know realize that the reason I can’t add an MP3 for download is that wordpress wants more money to do something like that. Why embedding the player won’t work, I don’t know. To listen to the podcast or download it, just go here:–thailand-travel-tips-and-adventures-part-ii

Bada bing, bada boom, just one extra click! Thanks!

Bangkok Taxi Dangerous: Thailand travel tips and experiences podcast, part I

September 12, 2013 § 1 Comment

I returned from Thailand on Monday and it was one of the most surreal and amazing experiences of my lifetime. I met new and interesting people, saw some beautiful temples, ate some amazing food for so cheap that it should be illegal, fell in love for 24 hours, walked down the most ridiculous alley I’ve ever been to, probably interacted with some very shady characters, got bitten so badly by mosquitos that my foot swoll up to twice it’s normal size, and got asked if I wanted to be “f’d in the a”!

I talk all about it in what could be a 2 (or 3) part podcast. I think that it would have been very helpful to have something like this to really prepare me for what was to come, however then again it was part of the experience to NOT know what was coming.

I tried to embed the player and add a download link but apparently WordPress sucks. God damn it, WordPress! You can go to this link though and listen to it from BlogTalkRadio or download it from the same page.–thailand-travel-tips-and-adventures-part-i

The audio sounds shoddy to begin with but that’s because I was trying to add a rain sound effect! This is something new I’m trying, thanks for putting up with me.

Kob kun kob!

25 steps to becoming a grown-ass man: See the damn world!

August 27, 2013 § 5 Comments

In an effort to see what it is like to spend some time as an adult after 30 years as a minor, I’m taking steps in my life to see if they improve the quality or bore the shit out of me. This is not a step that has any chance of boring me, but it is an important one.

I come from a family of “travelers.”

Misfits? Check.

Miscreants? Check.

Traveler? Checks!

My father was never around when I was growing up. (You take a moment to say “That explains a lot.”)  He worked for a company that builds major structures around the world and after my parents divorced in 1985/86, took permanent residence in Brisbane, Australia. At one point I asked him how many countries he had been to and the number was well over a hundred, though my terrible 12-year-old memory always wanted me to believe he had counted over 250, even though current estimates would say there are only 196 countries in the world.

He would spend a couple months in China, a couple months in England, or anywhere else that they asked him to go. I have a picture of myself as a baby, before my parents divorced, giving bunny ears to some Buddha statue (or Buddha like)  that I think was taken in Papua, New Guinea. He would usually be anywhere in the world at any given time, but rarely in Washington where i live.

I’ll give you a moment to bawl your eyes out over this heartbreaking tale of woe that is only shared by at least half of Americans.

But that always wanted me to also have a job that took me all over the world. I wouldn’t care what it paid, just as long as i could see everything that Earth had to offer. My dad’s job actually paid pretty well in addition to getting free travel. As a kid I would incorrectly tell my friends that he was a “contractor” as if he was overseeing the build sites and wearing a hardhat, but it wasn’t until much later in life that I learned he was a “contracts manager,” meaning that he oversaw the actual paper contracts between his company and the customer.

I was only off by about six degrees of Kevin Bacon.

Despite how little I saw (or have seen to this day) my dad, that doesn’t make a son want to emulate him any less. If anything, it’s the fathers that are in your face 24/7 that drive kids away from wanting to be like them. All I know is that I wanted to be in Australia, or Austria, or Aus..tin, Texas? Just see the world.

I’m about 247 countries short.

I went to see my dad in New Zealand when I was very young. I would say I was probably 6 or 7.  The only memory I really have was that it was Christmas time and i got a Batman toy car as a present.  I went to Australia when I was around 11 or 12 with my sister to see him again, but he had actually contracted malaria just before and after much complaining from my sister about rather being back in America where her friends were, the month-long trip was reduced to two weeks.

My third trip came when I was 20, when I was between community college and transferring to Washington State. I spent most of the time there alone, but really enjoyed getting to travel around Brisbane and Sydney and to just be my own person in another country. I met some great and interesting characters and really experienced the differences in culture, legalities, personalities, and climates. I loved it and have raved about how wonderful Australia is ever since.

I want to feel the same way about other countries. I want to know how people really live elsewhere in the world. You can’t possibly ever get the perspective from television, whether its a National Geographic Channel special in Brazil or Fast Five when Vin Diesel screams out “This is BRAZIL!”

Media only fucks up reality.

But my father isn’t the only traveler in my family. I mean, that would have been false advertising if I had said “I come from a family of travelers” and then only mention my father, the one guy I’ve seen the least in the last 30 years, and if there’s one thing you can trust about me, it’s that I DON’T FALSE ADVERTISE!

(By the way, you can catch me and my band The Rolling Stones at Wimbledon next month and then I’ll be on the cover of PEOPLE’s Sexiest Man Alive issue fairly soon after.)

My half-sister Vikki is also someone i have not seen much of in my life, someone else that has spent more of her time out of the country in the last 30 years than inside of it. Since graduating from the University of Washington roughly 20 years ago, Vikki has spent the majority of that time in third world countries as a member (and now active manager) in the Peace Corps. She spent a lot of time in South America and then moved over to places like Egypt (and was there during the 2011 riots) and is currently in the Sudan.

As she told me: “I sure know how to pick ‘em!”

Vikki speaks at least five languages, last I asked her. Doesn’t that seem like such a more fulfilling life than wasting away in an office cubicle eating Del Taco? Which is totally not I’m doing right now as I right this at 2:06 on a Tuesday.

My full sister hasn’t quite seen as much as my father and half-sister, but did make it a point to see all 50 states before she turned 30, even North Dakota. She also had a “destination wedding” in St. Lucia, Caribbean, which happens to also be one of the few times I’ve traveled overseas.

The other would be Canada, just as long as you call the border at Bellingham, Washington a “sea” as I surely do.

I need to go. I need to see. I need to experience. I need perspective. Nobody in this world can fully start to realize what it is, this world we live in, if you’ve only seen one side of it. Could you possibly know what it is to be “a Picasso” if you had only seen one of his paintings? Especially if that painting had come before his Cubism period? How could you know what “love” is if you stopped seeking it after your first puppy love broke your heart? Could you ever understand what it was to be a “Pauly Shore movie” if you had only seen Bio-dome?

Of course not. That’s not enough perspective. There’s no depth perception on Earth if you’re looking at it with one eye. And with so many sides, with so many people, with so many cities, and countries, and climates, and landscapes, and beers, and women (or men), and music, and foods, and shows, and customs, and styles, and political parties, and systems of government, and did I say beer, you would need 1,000 sets of eyes from 1,000 spiders to even being to get a fraction of what it is to be a human on Earth.

You’ll never get there, you’ll never see it all, but the journey itself is the destination.

That’s why one week from today I will be on a plane. That plane will take off from Los Angeles, California and it will land in Taipei, where I will only be for 45 minutes until I take another plane that will take me to Bangkok, Thailand. After long being my most desired travel destination on the planet, I will finally be in Southeast Asia and i will finally be in Thailand. What was the point of waiting any longer? I am so sick and tired of waiting for the moments that make life worth living, sometimes you have to make them happen on your own.

I will be there for only a week and I wish I could stay longer. I wish i never had to commit to coming back at all, but unfortunately I will need a job for at least a little while longer. My friend that I am traveling with does not/does have that luxury. We had spoken at length about a worldwide trip but while he eventually was laid off from his job, I kept mine. He will be in Thailand for a month and then Europe for a month. I will have to come back and go to work.

On the downside, it’s only one shot of travel whereas I would much rather get drunk on seeing the world.

On the upside, my friend has already turned down a job and recently had his unemployment stopped, and will have to immediately find work in a bad economy when he returns.

But honestly, risk doesn’t worry me. You have to take risks and they often pay off so much better than playing it safe. It’s just that for me I’m not quite in that position yet, I will put it off for moment, up until I simply can’t wait any longer. That day could come sooner than I could possibly imagine.

It has to.

5 Greatest Backstreet Boys Videos Ever

July 28, 2013 § 7 Comments

Some might say that I have geared the topics on this blog towards women.  That I pander to a female audience because I want girls to like me since they never really have before.  Well, that’s just ridiculous you guys.

Anyways, let’s talk about the Backstreet Boys.

Actually, in many ways the Backstreet Boys are not gender-dependent.  Even though boys made fun of groups like New Kids on the Block, BSB, and N’Sync at the times they were popular, the truth of the matter is that they are just as much a part of male culture as they are female culture.  Though young girls may make up the majority of their concerts, it’s not like I didn’t have MTV.  It’s not like I wasn’t paying attention to what girls like.  We made fun of Backstreet Boys, but in actuality the music was catchy as hell, the videos were ridiculous, and really you might as well do the “can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” thing and see if that gets you anywhere with the ladies.

Because I’m certain that at least a million guys across the country in 1999 performed “I Want It That Way” in their high school gymnasium.

And the truth of that matter is that I do want it that way.  I do want to tell Kevin the meaning of being lonely, since I’m sure he never is and I’m an expert.  And I will show Nick the shape of my heart.  (It’s just a regular heart shape.  No no no, Nick, not like the box that candy comes in, that’s not very accurate.)

The only “problem” with being in a boy band is that you have a guaranteed shelf life of only a few years.  Your target demographic is age-dependent, and when they grow up they’re starting to get sick of you.  I mean, they’ll still go to your concerts when they’re 35 out of nostalgia, but no self-respecting experimental college girl is gonna hang up BSB posters in her dorm room.  However, at this time the Backstreet Boys are back again and it’s not just for girls anymore.

A recent comedy geared towards 25-35 year old males had a surprise (I won’t say the movie and spoil the surprise) appearance by the Backstreet Boys and it was fucking great.

I was browsing YouTube today, wasting more and more of the few precious seconds of life I have left, and saw that Backstreet Boys had debuted a new music video for the song “In a World Like This.”

It’s not like it used to be.

A.J. has gone full-blown hipster:

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Brian’s got a funny hat:

Nick's checking for dandruff

Nick’s checking for dandruff

Nick cut his trademark bangs:

But he's still emphasizing all his words with serious lip movement.

But he’s still emphasizing all his words with serious lip movement.

Kevin may or may not be 60:

Actually yeah, he is.

Actually yeah, he is.

And Howie is… actually, Classic Howie breakin’ it down after the second verse:

I'll debate the videos but I won't debate that Howie isn't the best BSB. He is.

I’ll debate the videos but I won’t debate that Howie isn’t the best BSB. He is.

The video has been up for a week and it has 1.2 million views.  WTF?  1.2 million?  Imagine if this was 1998 and we had YouTube, the Boys would get 1.2 million views while Brian was taking a shit.

(But of course Brian is notorious for his long shits, as noted in their hit song “Brian’s Shit”)

Brian’s Shit isn’t on the list of Best 5 Backstreet Boys Videos Ever, but we have plenty others to choose from.  It’s amazing to think how many times these guys struck a chord with an international audience.  I don’t think you can look back on many bands, singers, or artists of the 90s and say that they had this many impactful hits.

These are the 5 greatest from Howie, AJ, Nick, Brian, and Kevin.  (Howie first.  Howie always first.)

5. Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely (1999, Millenium, 10.39 million views)


The video for “Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely” represents the groups serious and emotional side, while touching upon many real life situations that they were dealing with; including the opening frames of the video:

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Denniz POP was a Swedish DJ that had basically worked with the group from the very beginning of their success, but had recently died of stomach cancer.  Not to be confused with Denniz Franz, who had recently shown his butt on tv.

This is basically their “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday” ballad, even if it falls way short of that song.  (And Boyz II Men in general, since they are the greatest group of all-time.  No joke.)

It also meant that the group had to literally go from boys to men because the subject matter was so serious.  For example, here’s Howie in a turtleneck:

And apparently in a 1950s coffee shop.  Not "Theme 1950s" but actually 1950.

And apparently in a 1950s coffee shop. Not “Theme 1950s” but actually 1950.

Howie turns around and “Oh shit, Kevin looks serious”

Hey, someone just got a little less lonely. Two someones. Hashtag: Friendship.

Hey, someone just got a little less lonely. Two someones. Hashtag: Friendship.

Turtleneck sighting number two:

Nick Carter? More like "Thick Cardigan"

Nick Carter? More like “Thick Cardigan”

Each member has their own storyline, opening with Brian Littrell watching Brian Littrell die on an operating table.  Which was probably really weird for him, since Brian himself had heart surgery the year prior and definitely could have died big time.  If that would’ve happened, these dudes would’ve been a little more lonely to discover the meaning of it all, but nooooo Brian had to live.

"It looks like he's suffering from... sexiness. Get me 50 CCs of turtleneck!"

“It looks like he’s suffering from… sexiness. Get me 50 CCs of turtleneck!”

Kevin is watching actual footage of him and his late father.  Just the fact that it’s on 8MM proves indeed that Kevin Richardson is 60.

I mean, are you the same age as Chevy Chase?

I mean, are you the same age as Chevy Chase?

For Howie, he’s waiting for a girl in that 50s coffee shop, hotel bar or whatever it is and that girl represents his sister who had passed away a year earlier.  Even for BSB, times can get rough.  (As we would later see in the 2000s and so on.)

The five members of the group are by themselves and lonely but eventually meet up by the end of the video.  The only problem is that now AJ is a ghost?

"More smoke! I can still kind of see AJ!"

“More smoke! I can still kind of see AJ!”

But the number one reason that “Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely” makes it into the top five is this:

AJ McLean in a dog collar, leather pants, and a leather cowboy hat on a bus:

"Who told AJ that he could be the edgy one? I didn't tell AJ that he could be the edgy one."

“Who told AJ that he could be the edgy one? I didn’t tell AJ that he could be the edgy one.”


4. As Long As You Love Me (1997, Backstreets Back, 15.44 million views)


“As Long As You Love Me” is one of the signature breakout US hits for the Boys.  Though they had become a huge success in Europe already, they hadn’t found their chops in America until the release of Backstreets Back, which is actually just titled “Backstreet Boys” for the US release.

Whereas “Show Me The Meaning” showed the serious side, “As Long As You Love Me” shows that, “You know what, these guys know how to have fun too!”

We set the stage in an empty gym where auditions are going on. It’s unclear what they are auditioning for, whether they are auditioning as a group or separate, and if they’re auditioning for a group where are all the other people trying to audition?

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Bouncy, bouncy, nothing to see here…

Sorry, I’ve got an important phone call!

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And then these guys shuffle in looking like a wreck (and the audio sped up to a comical speed) and then they serve zero purpose for the rest of the video.


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And then the door opens again and “Hey now what’s this?!”



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This isn’t the first time that A.J. is gonna look super creepy.  But then Nick is all like “Say whaaaat”





Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 4.54.10 PM


So then the auditions begin and it’s actually the GIRLS auditioning BOYS!!! Oh no they din’t!!!  Nick is first up, and he’s absolutely SHOCKED that they want him to go up for the audition and the audition that he came to.

But all AJ can think about is  that baseball bat Nick is holding.  "If he goes up now, that bat is mine!" he thinks.

But all AJ can think about is that baseball bat Nick is holding. “If he goes up now, that bat is mine!” he thinks.

“You’re gonna do fine, guy I’m competing against or maybe not”

"Are we auditioning for a boy band? The lead role in Titanic? A Supercuts commercial?"

“Are we auditioning for a boy band? The lead role in Titanic? A Supercuts commercial?”

Oh shit, it’s about to get goofy up in this motherfucker

Is that Nick Carter or Steve Martin?

Is that Nick Carter or Steve Martin?

Hey dicks, there’s an audition going on while you talk on your phone, walk around, and dribble that basketball!

Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 5.09.38 PM

Oh, and then come the chairs…

"And let's put a fire hydrant over there" "But wh-" "JUST FUCKING DO IT"

“And let’s put a fire hydrant over there” “But wh-” “JUST FUCKING DO IT”

And then Brian auditions and one lady says to the other lady, “Look this is the guy up there right now just in case you’re not watching.”

"So that's him?" "No, that's a picture of him."

“So that’s him?” “No, that’s a picture of him.”

Oh, Howie

"Are you going to drill that headlight? You would do so bad in the real world."

“Are you going to drill that headlight? You would do so bad in the real world.”

And then AJ grabs a remote and pulls his sunglasses down (as he is legally required to do every 15 minutes) and flips the script on these girls.  Now they will do the auditioning!  I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING!

I don't know Howie does it (with sunglasses on)

I don’t know Howie does it (with sunglasses on)

Fun fact: Brian liked this one so much that he married her:





Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 4.56.55 PM


I'm glad they're friends in real life.

I’m glad they’re friends in real life.

And then the video wraps up and they all get the part… or they don’t.  It’s impossible to tell.  I told you though that Howie wasn’t done being creepy:



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3. Larger Than Life (1999, Millenium, 1.9 million views)


Michael and Janet Jackson had “Scream.”  Jamiroquai had his one song.  Even Jason Voorhees and Leprechaun went into space.  Everybody’s gotta have either a “space” or “futuristic” or some sort of Sci-Fi moment in their career.  BSB had “Larger Than Life.”

The video opens up with a countdown to midnight and then a Star Wars homage as a space ship passes over and their previous hits (which was already a pretty significant catalog) start to play in the background.

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It’s the year 3000 and humanity has decided that the best possible use of technology is to preserve the Backstreet Boys.  Even AJ.

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But these dudes are having fun in space.  They all appear to play multiple roles on the ship but none of them are as valuable as Nick Carter and the robots.  This happens:

Attack of the Clones: Dance Off

Attack of the Clones: Dance Off

Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 5.42.31 PM Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 5.42.21 PM

Brian Littrell is a robot but also one of the universes top “hover craft ball tube” players.

Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 5.42.04 PM

Pretty cocky for a guy with no body.

Pretty cocky for a guy with no body.


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Even for AJ, this shirt was a poor choice.

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But the video hardly featured Howie at all, so for that reason he can’t be any higher than third.

2. I Want It That Way (1999, Millenium, 71.79 million views)


“I Want It That Way” is by far their most-watched video on YouTube and it helped launch the much-anticipated album “Millenium” into the stratosphere.  My favorite thing about the song itself is this little snippet from Wikipedia:

When Max came up with the original idea for the song, it already had the line ‘you are my fire, the one desire’. We tried a million different variations on the second verse, and finally we had to go back to what was sounding so great, ‘you are my fire, the one desire’. And then we changed it to ‘am I your fire, your one desire’, which made absolutely no sense in combination with the chorus – but everybody loved it!”

If that doesn’t sum up popular music (or popular anything) perfectly, I don’t know what does.  “This is stupid… but it sells! Fuck the free world!”

The video takes place at LAX and if you have ever flown in and out of LAX, you might be asking yourself “What god damn day were they there?” because there is plenty of space for them to walk around and it’s clean.

And where the fuck is TMZ?

And where the fuck is TMZ?

Why are these guys CONSTANTLY looking away and walking away from each other?  Seems pretty rude.

"AJ, I was talking..."

“AJ, I was talking…”

Lips Carter:

I'm not gonna say what that looks like.

I’m not gonna say what that looks like.

You can genuinely tell that Nick Carter isn’t acting here after he says “Tell me why-ee!”

Something doesn't compute with Nick Carter? Shocking.

Something doesn’t compute with Nick Carter? Shocking.

You can tell that the special effects were not done by James Cameron.

"It's totally not a green screen."

“It’s totally not a green screen.”

Okay, here is how Im going to explain AJ McLean.  You ever create a character in like The Sims or Tiger Woods Golf?  You ever have that one time where you just went too far while you were creating the character, and gave him or her way too many accessories and other features?  Just because “pencil thin beard” is an option doesn’t mean you need to go for that and three other kinds of facial hair.

AJ is the over-abundant video game character you created once and immediately deleted.

Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 6.08.51 PM

And this 90-degree-arms robot move is something that has stuck with me for almost 15 years.

Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 6.11.50 PM

Sometimes I like to think that Howie is Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez

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But the good thing is that the Backstreet Boys haven’t let success get to their heads.

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So the guys start to perform in front of a crowd of their (I’m assuming) real fans and sure enough it seems like these girls are freakin’ out.  Even over AJ.


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No, to the left. Read the sign idiot.

Nick Carter saying “Oh no you din’t!”

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In fact they all do the Dikembe throughout as they’re saying “Ain’t nothin” and “I never wanna hear you say…” something something.  I can’t remember.

And now let’s debut the number one Backstreet Boys music video, MTV Making The Video 1999 style…

In 5…





And now, the World Premiere of the new Backstreet Boys video…

1. Everybody (Backstreet’s Back) (1997, Backstreet Boys, 11.36 million views)


Oh my god, they’re back again.

The thing that I never understood about the song “Everybody” is that I didn’t know that Backstreet had gone anywhere.  This seems like a song you would release in 2013 if you were the Boys, not in 1997.  There weren’t a lot of people saying “I miss the Backstreet Boys, where’d they go?” in 1997 but either way they “returned” and gave us their best music video ever.

My favorite thing about the video is that it’s nothing like that single cover you see above.  In fact, holy shit look at that single cover!!!  At first I had to ask myself if several members of the original Backstreet Boys had been replaced.

Nick Carter looks like he’s 10 and he bleached his hair with bleach.  Brian Littrell looks like the hardest 15-year-old kid in his private school.  And I don’t even see AJ.  Where’s AJ?  That’s not AJ.

The video though is just like you would assume it would be about a song called “Everybody (Backstreets Back)”… it takes place in a haunted house?

“Everybody” is basically their “Thriller.”  It has a storyline and several moments where the boys are acting before and after the video.  The tour bus breaks down and the driver lets them into the house.

“What house?”

I don’t know.

“His house?”

That doesn’t seem very likely, because he’s a bus driver.  I mean, I guess he’s the Backstreet Boys bus driver, but still, this is an old mansion.  How did he… nevermind, maybe there’s a twist.

Even for the Buccaneers this is embarrassing.

Even for the Buccaneers this is embarrassing.

And then the boys decide to just go sleep in strange beds.  Uhhh… Brian… whatcha doin?

"I hate my dick!"

“I hate my dick!”

And these special effects were provided by Dark Castle Entertainment, apparently.

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Oh shit, Ballroom Dance tonight?!  How lucky that the biggest boy band in the world happened to show up!

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I mean, they REALLY wanted this to be Thriller.

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But as soon as these boys get in character, it is on like Donkey Kong Brian Littrell singing to the moon while dressed like a werewolf?

"owwwwwwant it that way!"

“owwwwwwant it that way!”

Thank you, Jesus

Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 6.43.39 PM


There is no way that a coffin is sanitary.

Nor is AJ, but that's for another story.

Nor is AJ, but that’s for another story.

Here is the most toned down AJ McLean has ever been in a music video:

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I’d love to see him try to actually sing with these teeth in:

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I wouldn’t like to see Nick Carters teeth at all.

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He’s literally saying “Am I sexual?” at this moment.

Oh, by the way:

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And what I love about the lyrics of the song is that the group is saying:

“Am I original?”


“Am I the only one?”


“Am I sexual?”



They are the ones saying “Yeah” every time.  So it’s like the individual members are going up to the bandmates and saying “Hey, do you guys think I’m sexual?”

“Of course, Nick!”

If I were to direct the video, though the lyrics are so diabolical that only a haunted house music video (in the same house that Casper was filmed in, by the way) would serve it right, I might have just had it as the guys sitting around talking to each other and affirming each other that they’re all original and sexual.

Yeah, I think that would’ve also made a great video.

But then again…

Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 6.54.32 PM Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 6.54.04 PM Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 6.53.41 PM Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 6.53.16 PM Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 6.53.01 PM Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 6.52.52 PM Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 6.52.44 PM Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 6.52.36 PM

At the end of the video, the boys realize that it was all a dream and they start to leave the haunted mansion.

"Overalls, flashy jackets, backwards cap, football jersey. Yep, story checks out, it's the quintessential boy band."

“Overalls, flashy jackets, backwards cap, football jersey. Yep, story checks out, it’s the quintessential boy band.”

But then they realize (TWIST!) that the bus driver had set them up!  (Maybe, it’s not clear really.)

Screen Shot 2013-07-28 at 6.57.56 PM

And then they end it with perhaps the best shot in BSB Music Video history, or possibly it’s from Are You Afraid of the Dark?

"That's it guys, perfect. Now this time, let's try acting."

“That’s it guys, perfect. Now this time, let’s try acting.”

The Backstreet Boys are the perfect boy band.  That’s not to say that they belong in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (which is a joke anyway) but that it’s almost impossible to tell the difference between them and 2Gether, a fake boy band that parodied groups like Backstreet Boys.

You thought that 2Gether was over doing it?  They might not have gone far enough.  How much further can they go?

We will find out.  Backstreet’s back you guys.




Ask Kenneth ♥-Thur: Whirlwind and Fired, Does Early Sex Kill Hopes of Any Relationship?

June 13, 2013 § 4 Comments

We’re back!  It’s time for another edition of me answering questions from ladies that are looking for the perspective of a dude.  Not just any dude though, but me, a guy that’s been on no less than ten dates and had sex before.  It was cool.

Speaking of sex, here’s today’s question.  It comes to us from Accidentally Racy:

I’m enjoying reading your advice and figure getting a guy’s prospective is going to be way more efficient than my girlfriends’. So, here goes. I had a first date with this guy that lasted 7 hours because we had this amazing connection and couldn’t stop talking with each other about everything from the little things to the deeper subjects; we also ate dinner and bowled. We kissed a lot at the end, and I went home. The next day, he invited me to his place to ride his motorcycle, listen to him serenade me with his guitar and voice, and “watch a movie”. Watching a movie led to kissing which led to sex.

Having sex on a 2nd date is a big no-no in my book, but it just happened as these things do. We talked on the phone for an hour the next day and all seemed well. I went over there again on Wednesday, and he seemed distant. I haven’t heard from him today, and I am afraid that now that I have “given the milk for free” way too soon, I may have screwed up my chance at something real. So, my question is, if you as a guy share a deep connection with a girl and then sleep with her on the 2nd date, is the girl no longer relationship material? Is there anything that I can do to turn the odds in my favor at this point? Any insight would be appreciated. 


Dear Accidentally Racy,

Let me first say that in general, each gender views casual sex in a different light:

Men – “Had sex, all is well.”

Women – “Had sex, now what?”

That is definitely not a hard and fast (hehe. pun.) rule.  There are a lot of dudes out there that attach emotions to each sexual encounter (sheepishly raises hand) and a lot of women that don’t (slyly peeks to see if any girls raise their hand) but on the broad spectrum, men can walk away from sex and women want to know “What’s next?”  Why?

Because you are the gatekeeper, am I the keymaster?

Basically, the penis is Indiana Jones and the vagina is the Holy Grail.  Men spend 24.5 hours a day trying to have sex and women are constantly fighting off dicks like they’re being swarmed by bats, so when you finally let one into your cave, you want to know that it’s the right one.  Or at least, a decent one.  And sometimes it can be really hard to tell, because like I said, guys can get really good at getting sex.

I’m a firm believer in the 10,000 hour rule.  That with 10,000 hours of practice, you can be an expert at something.  Well with guys trying to have sex, they’ve spent like 100,000 hours doing that.  But only during the times that they are awake, or most of the time that they are having REM sleep.  Every once in awhile we’ll dream about death, but that’s honestly about sex too.

But we are all different creatures.  I don’t think any women want to be thought of as a set of stereotypes to which everyone and abides, and we have to recognize that while each gender certainly has characteristics that would be true with the majority of individuals, we’re all still different.  So I wouldn’t want to give the impression that men are lying this way and that way in order to have sex, nor am I saying that your beau was lying to you or pretending to be something so that you’d sleep with him, but it’s certainly possible.  Frankly, and this is why I probably have had less success with women than most men, I’d be in your shoes more often than I would be in his.  I’ve had very similar encounters, and while I wasn’t super upset about it because of the absolute shortness of those relationships, it certainly makes a person feel like they’re less than.

But you’re not less than.  And he might not have been using for sex.  Look at it from a macro level and remove sex from the equation and what do you have:

A really good first and second date over a period of no more than 36 hours that simply fizzled out before the carbonation bubbles even hit the surface.  Which is ridiculously common.

It’s mostly the sex that’s messing with your head.  The idea that you gave up the Holy Grail “for nothing.”  That you may have been duped or bamboozled or took a hit to your self-esteem because you thought he was so perfect for you and might have actually found someone worth holding onto for awhile but he possibly doesn’t feel the same way about you.  “What’s wrong with me?”  “What did I do wrong?” “Why can’t he see me how I see him?”

If this is how you’re feeling, if you’re feeling low and used, let me please urge you to cut that out right now.  There’s nothing wrong with you, or what you did, or that the time you spent with one-and-done was less-than-fun.  You chose to sleep with a guy on the second date because you felt certain in your heart that there would be a third date.  A fourth.  Hell, a fifth even!  And now he’s gone MIA and you wish you could take it all back.

Don’t wish that.  Embrace it.

Embrace the two or three days that you could live inside of a Richard Linklater movie.  The last time that I really thought I might have found a relationship, rather than just a date or two or someone to makeout with, she turned cold before I did.  The texts became short and finally stopped.  If we had been out a few times and had always had a good time with each other, then why wouldn’t she want to continue to do that just like I did?  What was wrong with me?

Nothing.  Nothing was wrong with me.  The reasons that other people have for not wanting to see other people just one more time can be many, and it doesn’t mean that there was something wrong with the party that got ditched.  That’s like saying that there’s something wrong with the square peg that doesn’t fit in the round hole.

There’s nothing wrong with square pegs.  They hold most IKEA furniture together.  They’re great!

And if that doesn’t make you feel better, then I can only offer one more piece of advice.  A line from John Steinbeck to his son that I keep pounding home over and over again, because whenever I think about the one that got away, I remember this mantra:

“And don’t worry about losing.  The important thing is not to hurry- Nothing good ever gets away.”

If this one got away, if he hasn’t returned your calls and has fallen off the map, then he wasn’t the right one.  Let him be the right one for a couple of days, let yourself experience the experience, and then learn from it and move on.  Every time I think of that last person that “totally should have been a relationship” I remember that nothing good gets away, so therefore she was never going to be more than what we were.  That if it was good, then it would be.

But it’s not.  And that’s okay too.  Let yourself identify with the male gender for a moment and simply take it as a casual encounter and remember that there’s nothing you can do to “turn this in your favor” other than to live today as happy as you can be.

Without him.

Ask Kenneth ♥-Thur: “I’m too old for this sh*t”

May 30, 2013 § 7 Comments

The ongoing series whereinby I give you my opinion on your love life despite myself not even having a “likelife” right now.  But either I’ve been where you’ve been or I’ve thought way too much about it.  Here’s the next question…

From ULTY:

So… you asked for relationship questions and I wanted to ask a guy about this so you are it! Okay, to my question: I love my boyfriend and he keeps saying he wants to marry me, which is great, BUT he’s barely working (he’s in sales for his dad) and spends most of his days playing games (he lives with his parents). We only see each other on weekends because we live so far apart so it has taken me over a year to notice that he doesn’t really do… anything. About a month ago I had a really bad day and broke down crying telling him I couldn’t marry him if he wasn’t willing to step it up and take his responsibilities seriously. He told me he’d work on it BUT can he? Will he? How long should I wait?


(TL;DR is that Ulty’s boyfriend has no ambition and she’s worried there’s no real long-term future with him.)

Dear Ulty,

As you know I had only one follow-up question and it was paramount to getting to the heart of your issue: How old are you and your boyfriend?  This can be the difference between a “play it cool” and a “run, you fool!” because we are allowed to shuck certain responsibilities at certain ages.

I think that at certain points in life, girls have different qualities in men that attract them and make them more or less interested in them as a potential dating partner.

- At 15, you can pick a guy based on who gets his drivers license and a used car first.

- At 20, you can pick a guy based on how many pull-ups he can do.

- Even at 25, you can still look for a guy with nice abs and a cool job selling cars at his dad’s dealership.

But at a certain point I think that the best quality you can find in a man is “Ambition.”  Even if you’re 30 or 40 and you have very little to show for it, having a drive to be something better and looking towards the future can at least reinforce to other people that you’re trying to be something better.  That you’re going to be able to provide a stable future even if it kills you.  That “I am well-aware of my situation and I’m finnin’ to break out of it!”

You don’t have to be a doctor in your twenties, but you should at least be going for your masters degree in life and not living in the basement of death.

Well I asked you how old you two were and you replied: “We’re both 28.”

At 22, I can forgive his transgressions.  At 28, he better be finnin’ for a better life!  (Finnin’ is white people slang for urban slang for “the desire to”)

You’re 28 and you’re looking for the person to spend the rest of your life with.  You’ve obviously got some idea of what kind of a man would best suit that role and you definitely don’t want to step into that kind of commitment with someone that’s all talk and no walk.  Put it this way: Would you rather date Jay-Z or Lil Jon?  Would you rather be with Dr. Dre or Flava Flav?

You’re looking for a man, not a hype man.  Break it down bit-by-bit and I see a Level 10 Lazy-Ass:

“He’s barely working.  He’s in sales for his dad.” – I have a bunch of friends that are right around 30 and I can promise that none of us are “barely working.”  My brother-in-law was also in business with his dad when he was 28; He had taken over the business a few years after that.  Does your boyfriend just want to get by or does he have designs to take over?  It’s one thing to not have any opportunities, it’s another thing to let all of your opportunities pass you by.

spends most of his days playing games - Kevin Spacey plays a powerful politician in the show House of Cards that also loves to play Call of Duty in his free-time.  This was immediately interesting to me because it shucked the stereotype of playing video games and being lazy.  Also: He was a powerful politician!  You can play video games and be lazy or you can play video games and get shit done.  Video games should come after you get shit done.

(he lives with his parents) – I felt ashamed when I was living with my mom for two years after graduating college.  I would rather be homeless than be back there now and yes, I’ve spent many hours thinking about how to be the best homeless person I could be.

Probably find myself a nice hobo girlfriend too!

He told me he’d work on it BUT can he? Will he? How long should I wait? – “Can he?” Yes.  We all can.  “Will he?”  I have my concerns, to be honest.  “How long should I wait?”  What are you waiting for at all?

I named you “ulty” and not even you probably know why.  I named you Ulty because maybe, just maybe, in five years when people talk about your boyfriend and ask “How did he turn his life around??” then people will say:

“Ulty made him!”

I’m not telling you to lay an ultimatum down to your boyfriend though.  Not quite.  The simple fact of the matter is that you’re 28 and you have an idea of what kind of man you want to marry and that man without a doubt has ambition to be something better.  You can’t settle for what you were able to settle for 5 or 10 years ago, you’re looking for the big one.  You’ve been long distance with him for over a year, isn’t that long enough to start asking yourself why you’re still long distance?  I dated a girl for a year when we were in a similar situation and that was ridiculous so I moved to within a mile of her.  Also, I moved to an apartment that was all mine and I had a job and paid my bills.

You need to make a list of your husband’s traits and you need to make a list of your boyfriends best traits and then you need to compare the two.  On this list you should have listed very high:

- My husband doesn’t live at home

- My husband has a real job

- My husband doesn’t live an hour away

- My husband plays video games in his free time and his days don’t ONLY consist of “free time”

- My husband wants to be something someday

You’re not giving your boyfriend an ultimatum, you’re just telling him that to be with you he has to fulfill those traits.  Don’t stick around because it’s been a year or because you’re worried that you might never find anyone better than him.  Stick around only if he’s actually the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Even if Ulty Made Him do it.

He needs to be more ambitious in life and you need to be more ambitious with your relationship choices.  I think you can both strive for better.

Don’t forget to Ask Kenneth Heart-thur your own questions by hitting CONTACT on the left!




Ask Kenneth ♥-Thur: Three days and you’re out? The problems with texting

May 21, 2013 § 4 Comments

The first submission in me giving… dating advice?  (Really, me?!)  Believe it or not, I’ll help you here I come!

“Three Days Grace Period” asks:

Anyways, one of the reoccurring problems I have with men, is I will meet one and we will text nonstop for on average about three days. He will be totally digging me, me reciprocating. And we just text all day for about three days.
Then the next morning he will never reply to me again.
Just done with me. Out of nowhere.

This happens consistently enough, that I have now begun to expect it when I start texting a guy I like.
I’ve even begun to suspect (not seriously) that there is some creepy stalker I have who after three days of contact with me, goes and threatens these men to stay away.
Or something like that!

What’s wrong Kenneth? Am I only interesting for three days? Do I start saying stupid things after three days?
And why does every guy lately do this?

Dear 3 Days,

In the classic film The Room, Denny is caught with Chris-R on the roof in some sort of drug deal gone wrong.  Lisa’s mother poses the question to Denny, “What are you doing with the drugs?  Giving them, taking them?”  One can not really comprehend why a person would “give away” drugs but I guess technically that’s a possibility.  Though it seems rather wasteful to have all of these drugs and then just give them away.  It’s bad business.

I read your question and then I pondered it for a couple days while I was prepping this first post.  And then I read it for the second time and realized that I should now make sure to thoroughly read all the questions at first and then ponder because in about less than 20 words I was able to dissect at least one major part of the issue.

one of the reoccurring problems I have with men, is I will meet one and we will text nonstop for on average about three days.”


“one of the reoccurring problems I have with men, is I will meet one and we will text nonstop for on average about three days.”


“I will meet one and we will text nonstop for on average about three days.”


we will text nonstop”

In a way, texting has become the best and worst thing to happen to relationships in at least the last 100 years.  It’s very possible that after three days, you literally know more about a guy you met one time than what your grandmother and grandfather knew about each other by the time they were married.  And most relationships of that era lasted 100000000x longer than ours do in the current generation.

It’s like how Unsolved Mysteries used to be this awesome show about things we couldn’t disprove and then we got better technology and gave everyone an HD camera on their phone and now it’s just: UnSolved Mysteries – Turns Out It Was A Guy In A Suit, What’s On TLC? Oh Hoarders I Haven’t Seen This One… Ew Gross.

Textual Harassment is one of the leading killers of possibly getting laid or even finding a potential significant other in the year 2013.  Check out and watch seemingly normal people dissolve into Jack Nicholson in The Shining.  Some of the best/worst advice on texting comes from Tom Haverford on Parks and Recreation when he asks an interviewee about what to do when you get a girls number in the club.  Text her the next day that it was nice to meet her?

“Wrong.  I wait 8 weeks and then text ‘What’s crackin?'”

That’s an extreme version of it, but the principles still apply.  Even in today’s world of constant interaction and the ability to literally be a tiny talking head inside someones front pocket, there’s plenty of room to leave for mystery.  There’s plenty of time to sit back and say “If you want to get to know me, take the time and effort to actually get to know me.”  Think of guys as T-Rex and this is you when you “text non-stop for three days”:

t-rex doesn't want to be fed

t-rex doesn’t want to be fed

Make a guy wonder, “Where the heck is this chick?  She must be really popular with the fellas, damn it I’m gonna lose my chance!”  Don’t be unavailable, but don’t hand yourself to him on a silver platter.  Texting nonstop for three days in the very beginning used to always be my undoing too and it’s also not a bad practice to put in place even if you’ve been dating for a few weeks to show that you’ve got a life outside of just that persons every word, letter, and emoji.

Chat with the guy, but let it be known early on that you’re a girl that’s worth taking out on a proper date (or just coming over for a proper “movie” whatever floats your boat) but when you text nonstop in the very beginning, that’s like giving away free drugs.  It makes no sense.

If you thought that was decent advice y’all, please send in more questions with the Contact button on the left!!

Ask Kenneth HEART-Thur: Long on distance, short on relationships part II

May 19, 2013 § 4 Comments

When we last left off, Sam was worried that Diane had become more distant since he announced he would be turning their long-distance friends with benefits ship into a short-distance “I-have-no-idea-what-this-is” ship by moving from Los Angeles to San Francisco.  (Part I is here)  I told him that in my opinion it was time just ask her what was up, despite this one supposed dating “rule”:

The #1 rule of fight club is that you don’t talk about fight club, but a little known fact is that actually the #2 rule of fight club is that you don’t ask the person you’re dating if something is wrong.

What was Sam to do….

Many men are raised to believe that having emotions is a “chick thing, man!” but the reality is that many guys grow up with plenty of emotion anyway.  We’re raised one way but our bodies tell us something different.  Sure, I know a bunch of guys that are able to have a disconnect between the physical and emotional relationships they have with women, but I know plenty more that fall in love.  That lose sleep over someone.  That spend the entire day thinking about what their future could be like with that special someone.  And that go crazy wondering if “this distance that Diane is putting between us is the product of being “busy and sick” or if she’s starting to have second thoughts.”



We hurt too, ladies.  We spin our hair in our fingers (well the ones of us that have sweet p-tails, do) just like you do with worry.  And while we say we don’t want to play games, we still abide by a certain set of rules.  In a way, we’re all playing some level of a game whether we like it or not, but just like Chess, some of us really suck at it!

I sunk your Rook!

When Sam was finally letting it all out, what was bothering him, I guess it was my outsiders perspective that allowed me to see the bigger picture and put two-and-two together.  That it had been about two weeks since Sam had decided to move to San Francisco, and that was the same time that Diane started to turn into Kirstie Allie.  (For the younger readers out there, sorry you don’t get the shit out of these references.  They’re pretty good!)  We started to talk about how Diane hated relation ships but that she was clearly feeling safe with the fact that they were separated by golden bridges and mountain ridges with lebowski’s so big you’d have to call Jeff Bridges.  (That didn’t make sense but it felt wonderful to say.)

Sam was folding up the space-time continuum and would become an everyday part of Diane’s life.  “That’s probably freaking her out a little bit, dude.  Ask her about it.”  That really started the advice-giving and I think it’s the most simple piece of advice to follow and yet the most difficult for many of us to overcome.  Think about the fact that we are scared to ask the people we care about if there’s anything different in the way they care about us.

“But what if I make it worse?”

The number one reason people are scared to come out with the “is anything wrong?” bit is because they think it could drive a person away even further but I disagree with that sentiment.  Any time that I’ve ever truly cared about a person, them asking me if something is wrong one time isn’t going to change my opinion about them.  You wouldn’t drive a person away for asking something like that — but of course there are the people that ask that question every single day and then yes, something is obviously wrong.  But if you’ve been with each other for awhile and one of the parties behavior starts to change you can ask them if something is wrong.  There’s a two-pronged possibility:

- “Nothing is wrong.  I’ve been busy and sick.  Sorry I haven’t been able to talk as much because I’ve misssssed you ;)”  That’s good.

- “Nothing is wrong.  GOD!”  Something was wrong.  And you didn’t make it any worse, because the fact of the matter is that there is no way in Hell that a three-word question would be the tipping point from a life of 50 years of wedded bliss to a broken heart and an empty tub of ice cream on your bathroom floor.  That’s just not real life.

I told Sam that in my opinion, something was probably up with the fact that she was freaking out about his move to San Francisco and that he was breaking down the barrier between them.  As the poet laureate Gavin Rossdale once said: “The chemicals between us.  There is no lonelier place than lying in this bed.  The chemicals displaced.”  (You figure out the meaning.)

But Sam wanted to bring those chemicals together.  If he was getting negative signals he should ask Diane if something was up, at least once.  Because it wasn’t just killing him that she was all of a sudden starting to act differently towards him, it was also the unknown that starts to make a person unravel.  Sometimes it is absolutely a misunderstanding, but on the other hand, it’s often a sign.

Don’t ignore signs.

(Unless it’s saying 25 MPH and it’s not a school zone, like yo, I can get around this neighborhood at 35!)

(Also don’t ignore Signs.  It’s a really good movie.)

"Yeah, but what does Diane really mean by that smiley face?"

“Yeah, but what does Diane really mean by that smiley face?”

Sure there have been certain times in my life where I’ve been a paranoid annoyance but I also like to think that I have a pretty keen sense of when something is up.  We should all be able to sense when something is wrong.  When Larry David left Seinfeld, you could tell the difference.  When Dan Harmon was fired from Community, you can tell the difference.  People can sense the slightest differences from one thing to another, and you’d know that if you ever filled out a Highlights magazine at the dentist.

November – You’re texting me all the time.  You’re anxious to hear from me.  You reach out when it’s been awhile.

December – I have to be the one to initiate all the conversations.  You don’t ask me questions, you seem less concerned about my life.  You said “Fuck off” and changed your email?

A day?  No worries.  Three days?  That’s curious.  A week?  You should seriously start considering whether or not this person is still interested in you unless they explicitly stated before the relation ship that they were in the CIA.

Sam knew what to do, I just had to be the one to push him off the plank.  He finally asked Diane if something was wrong due to her behavior over the last couple of weeks.  She responded first with the usual:

“No, I’ve just been busy lately like I said and dealing with this illness.”

Okay…. Wait for it.

“I suppose I also just don’t know what you’re expecting when you move here.”



It had seemed apparent to me, an almost complete outsider that has never met Diane, that Diane was fearful of certain expectations from Sam.  The approach of Sam moving to San Francisco obviously has to be taken with careful measures because it’s a major decision.  Not just for their ship but for his life, and possibly for hers.

But he may have never known that if he hadn’t overcome the fear of simply asking “What’s wrong?”

I might be a very difficult hurdle to overcome, to come off looking like an insecure little boy, but I think that there are many contexts in which it comes off more as the secure move of a man.  To say “I am aware of the changes here and I feel like even if you were sick or busy, you would make time for me as you used to do.  So if something has changed for you, please let me know because I’ve still got to take care of myself.”

I think that when you are simply “dating” someone, you have to tread very carefully with feelings.  I have spent too many days and nights in confused anger and depression based on things that happened with people that I wasn’t even on the relation ship with.

Don’t waste tears on a person that wouldn’t spend tears on you.

Of course, the three intense, mostly non-physical months that Sam and Diane had spent talking, it would be near-impossible to not have feelings attached.  Whether she likes it or not, even Diane has developed feelings for Sam.  But Sam has to really evaluate whether or not her feelings and his feelings match up because if they don’t and he doesn’t ask some of the important questions that we’ve been conditioned not to ask, he’ll be the only one crying.

Sometimes if you don’t want to know the answer, you probably need to ask the question.

To be continued…

(Remember that I’m looking for more questions RE: the opposite sex so please use the CONTACT button also I’m lonely.)

The friend zone only exists in your head zone

May 18, 2013 § 2 Comments

I will get back to the story of Sam and Diane shortly, but I’m going to throw this up because I’ve already written most of it and I think it’s always a relevant topic: The “Friend Zone.”

I was on Reddit recently in the /r/relationships section and came across a despondent young girl that was worried about her friend.  He used to be such a great guy to hang out with, but had fallen apart after his high school sweetheart left him for another guy.  The full (and lengthy) post is here.  The “too long; didn’t read” version is this:

“Longtime friend had a gradual devolution into being a Nice Guy, spurred by a horrible breakup. Refuses all help and surrounds himself with other Nice Guys who only makes things worse. What can I/we do to help or should we just give up?”

The slightly longer version is that “Calvin” is pushing away his best friends all through childhood (Hobbes, Susie, Tofukitties) because of his broken heart and complaining that all girls just want to be his friends and that they are terrible people.  Calvin needs a kick in the pants.  This was my response:


Calvin, Calvin, Calvin, Calvin, Calvin…. my man. My broseph. My buddy. My pal. Wait no– Your buddy and pal, I mean. But speaking as if I was speaking to Calvin

The good news is that you’re 24. You shouldn’t be exactly the man you will become when you’re still just 24. Nor will you be the man you will become when you’re 30… or 40… or 60… We are ever-changing, or at least we should be, just in the way that you, Calvin, were not the man you used to be before you met the love of your life, who you were while you were with the love of your life, or who you were after she did you so wrong and so dirty. I feel for you, Calvin, I really do.

Relationships aren’t easy. Trusting another woman again, in the way that you entrusted your entire body and soul to one person and believed that one day you would be married and be the first and only people to sleep with one another, and to have that taken away from you — Nobody’s going to say that life is fair. Because it’s not. You had visions for your life, and they were destroyed by the girl you loved more than you’ve ever loved anyone including yourself. And because she never slept with you and only slept with the “rugged Army guy” who may have shot guns at people and been a tough guy, you believe that all women must want this and you’ll never be this, so therefore you will fail at every turn.

But that’s not true. Nothing can be further from the truth.

Some women like tough guys. Some women like smart guys. Some women like book guys. Some women like art guys. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.

You’re a certain type of person. You care very deeply for people, you’re kind, you’re genuine, you believe in things to their very core, and you’re not bad looking either. Almost every type of person is a person’s type somewhere so you shouldn’t focus on thinking that no girls will be into you — not every girl is one girl. And you’re so worried about getting into the friend zone with a girl, that you have forgotten that within that actual friend zone is a girl that cares about you so much that she’s asked Reddit for help on how to help you, rather than abandon you. Even if she doesn’t love you in that way, she loves you. Forever Alone? Not when someone, anyone, loves you. Let’s remember that you’re good enough to be loved, and start to work on finding out how you can genuinely return that love of friendship towards Hobbes, Susie, and TofuKitty and remember that with a group of friends like that, you’ll have a support team for the rest of your life.

The only possible way to be forever alone at this point, is if you continue to ask for pity about your own life and put yourself in that position. Look at you right now– You’re not too far gone. Stop what you’re doing. Think. Assess. Evaluate. Think about all that you have and cherish it. Assess all the you want in your life. Evaluate how you’re going to man the fuck up and get it.

You’ve got a great group of friends, people that love you. A buddy that might not be around now, but will stand by your side as your best man if you get your life together.

You want to love a woman as much as you loved your ex, have her love you back just as much. How can you find her? How can you start to show that you believe in yourself, that you love yourself, and that you’ll provide value to her for the rest of her life? Because nobody wants to be with somebody that wouldn’t want to be with themselves.

Evaluate how you’ve treated the people around you that spent months (maybe years) of their own lives trying to pick you up because they loved you. Evaluate why you didn’t return that love and understanding when they started to question your motives and become upset with some of your behavior. Evaluate what you’re going to do to finally make amends with them.

And then put that shit into action because you’re 24. You’re young. You’ve had one serious girlfriend and you’ve proven to be a great friend and great boyfriend in the past, which puts you ahead of the game at 24.

You can either remain where you’re standing and distance yourself further and further from the only people that have ever truly been “home” to you or you can continue changing every day to be the best person you can be.

Start today.



The sad truth is that I see a lot of myself in Calvin.  I grew up thinking no girl would ever want to be anything more than a friend.  I got angry and lashed out them when they wouldn’t instead accept me as a boyfriend.  I was ripe for “forever alone” membership.

Then I grew up and realized that the only person that puts themselves in a “friend zone” is the one that is constantly complaining about it’s existence.  There are plenty of ways to start relationships that are romantic and stay that way.

Dudes: If a girl says she just wants to be friends, then be just that.  Be her friend.  Be a hella good friend.  Don’t ever try to make it more than that unless she is starting to make it explicitly clear that just being friends isn’t working for her anymore.  Frankly you’ll show her your value best by being a friend and the worst case scenario is that you have a great friend.  If you say “yeah lets be friends!” and then ask her to kiss you or send you naked pictures the next day, you’re fucking up.

Ladies: There’s a likely possibility that some of your guy friends could be into you or would totally date you.  Just… know that.

As I was saying yesterday about Sam and Diane, think about the ships you embark on and establish early if it’s a relation or a friend kind of ship.  Any confusion on that, and you’ll be sailing in the wrong direction.



Ask Kenneth HEART-Thur: Long on distance, short on commitment part 1

May 17, 2013 § 2 Comments

A friend recently came to me with a broken heart.  I gave him some advice or at least tried to talk him through the difficult time.  That’s what sparked this recent quest to see if I could give advice to anyone else or at least… help talk you through it.  Before we get started, this is the story that started it all.

This all started recently with a co-worker who was telling me about a girl he was talking to on instant messenger.  We have offices all over the world you see, and certain people have to communicate with other people in the company over instant messenger.  It’s funny how we can meet strangers in this current era of humanity, people we would have otherwise never known existed; sometimes I wish it was still that way.

I’m certain that at this moment my co-worker, “Sam”, wishes the same thing.

I remember him telling me about her (over IM of course) right from the beginning.  “So there’s this girl “Diane” over in San Francisco and I can’t tell but I think she’s flirting with me.”  (Yeah, I realize what I just did there with their aliases, what of it?)  Of course, when me and Sam talk, it’s always something along the lines of “I think this person is flirting with me!”  When in reality its more like “Kate asked me if she could borrow my pen and when she picked it up she said “Oh cool pen” so you think we’re like going out now?”

Yeah, I don’t think that my friends and I have matured past the fifth grade quite yet.

But in this case, there really was some serious flirting between Sam and Diane.  What I thought was just another “Yeah okay sure you’re gonna hookup with the girl that lives a few hundred miles away by winning her over on work instant messenger” (why do I write “another” as if this happens all the time?) it was in fact instead another case of “Yeah… okay!  You’re gonna hookup with the girl that lives a few hundred miles away by winner her over on work instant messenger!”

Of course I never thought that Romeo and Juliet (wait, mixing up my aliases) Sam and Diane would be able to develop a real relationship when they were separated from Los Angeles to San Francisco, especially doing so while they had to first talk about work, let alone being a Montague and a Capulet.

classic awkward high five

classic awkward high five

But mostly I can’t believe that two people would ever have romantic thoughts while they talked about the mundane bullshit we do at our company.  (I can’t get into much more detail than that to protect the innocent, but I can tell you that this place doesn’t build flying microwaves that drop hot pockets into your mouth automatically.)

And so Sam and Diane built a ship together and sailed away on it.  There are several different kinds of ships:

- Friend ships

- Relation ships

- Kin ships

- Partner ships

- Ghost ships

Definitely stay away from the last kind of ship, unless you wanna get got, but the other ones are always fun.  Sometimes people will mix friend ships with a singles cruise, which can be fun too, but the most important thing to know is that when you go on a ship with someone that you’re both on the same ship.  Otherwise you’ll risk being stranded in the middle of the ocean, and your best hope is a peaceful drowning.

Early on, they were both getting onto a friend ship and they both liked that because they had a lot in common and talking to one another was so easy and natural.  It got to the point where they were even going to be the kind of long-distance friends that traveled many miles to see one another and Diane came to Los Angeles to visit and they kissed and junk.  (Just like in the romantic movies!)  And then Sam went to San Francisco to see Diane where they could drive across the Golden Gate Bridge in a red convertible with a baby in the backseat, roll down hills, and take Comet for a walk down the big hills.

okay, who invited this guy?

okay, who invited this guy?

They were also “doing it” on their friend ship, which can have a lot of benefits, but the easiest part about that perhaps was that it wasn’t complicated.  “I am here. You are there. That’s the way it is!” and Diane had made it clear that she wasn’t a relation ship type of person.  Sam was okay with this.

And then all of a sudden, Sam’s best friend Woody got a job at Google and was moving to San Francisco.  And now Sam saw an opportunity to move out of LA (which he was interested in doing) and going to the Bay Area with his best friend (which he thought would be fun) but also be closer to Diane (which seemed like a good idea at the time.)  But then things started to change between Sam and Diane once she found out that he’d not only be moving to San Francisco, but transferring within the company.  They’d go from long distance lovers to seeing each other a minimum of 40 hours per week plus weekends if it all works out okay.  They’d possibly even hop off of the friend ship and onto the relation ship, a boat that Diane wasn’t very comfortable with.

Diane started to distance herself.  Sam got worried that she had become more aloof and less talkative and cancelled her most recent plans to come to Los Angeles.  The story of Sam and Diane… was starting to go from a fairy tale of “how easy love can be” to the realities of it all: That relation ships are the hardest ships to navigate.

Let’s face it.

Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got.  Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot.  Wouldn’t you like to get away?  Sometimes you want to go:

- Where nobody knows your name

- And they’re indifferent as to whether or not you came

- You wanna be where you can see, that nothing in your life will change, you wanna go where nobody knows your name.

(doo doo doo doo do do)

Now what you’ve already read, all 1000 words of it (jesus christ I need to learn brevity), isn’t even getting to the point where I started to give advice or talk it out with Sam.  You see, for a couple of weeks, Sam held all of this inside of him.  The parts where Diane would go an entire day without talking to him for the first time in months.  The parts where he’d wonder why she’s not quite being the same person she once was, causing him to stress out over if he had done something wrong or if the “ship” that he’d held so dearly was sinking and un-salvageable.  The parts where the “Good morning” texts had disappeared.

(Side note on “Good Morning!” texts — In the year 2013, this appears to be the number one symptom or trigger(?) of a broken heart.  I think what many people want, what I’ve always looked for and cherished in my 30 years, is that you’re a person’s first and last thought every day.  Because you’re bookending their dreams, which might as well mean that you’re that person’s dream.  You’re that person’s everyday and everynight.  You now care about that person at least as much as you care about yourself or anyone else, and the balance in the universe is that they feel the same about you.  But then when something goes wrong, the universe is out of balance.  Because they’re not texting you “Good Morning!” anymore, or they’re not responding for three hours after you know they’ve woken up.  You’re not their first thought anymore.  You’re not the last thing they think of as they unknowingly make the shift from awake to asleep.  And that kills you — because you still care about them at least as much as you care about yourself, but more importantly you don’t feel that anyone now cares about you either.  You feel like an empty shell.  All your love is with them.  And all of their love is… with them.  Or even worse, with someone else.  The universe is out of whack.  It kills you.  And it all boils down to…

“Good Morning!”)


But then finally Sam broke down and typed to me over instant messenger that Diane was very distant lately.  That he wasn’t sure if things were going wrong because she was “busy” or “sick” and he didn’t want to come off as being weak and vulnerable if he had flat-out asked her if there was something wrong.

(While I was in the middle of writing this story, I found out that what was once supposed to be a little intro has now become over 2,300 words and I’m not done yet.  Y’all don’t wanna read a wall of text right now, so let me break it out a little bit.  Coming up next:

The #1 rule of fight club is that you don’t talk about fight club, but a little known fact is that actually the #2 rule of fight club is that you don’t ask the person you’re dating if something is wrong.)

Stay tuned!

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