Everything stupid about The Purge, part one

April 8, 2014 § 10 Comments

I went to go see The Purge in the theaters during opening weekend. It was one of the rare times over the last few years where I was actually excited enough about a movie to go see it right when it came out. All three of us thought it was going to be a really fun horror/thriller due to a good trailer and a fascinating concept:

Once a year, all bets are off. For 12 hours, you can do whatever you feel like and there won’t be any legal consequences.

Seems like exactly the type of original story from Hollywood that people beg for on a daily basis, but there was one glaring problem: The Purge is one of the stupidest fucking movies I’ve ever seen. All three of us came out of the theater half appalled and half in tears from laughter because of the sheer amount of stupidity. It seemed like it only got dumber and dumber as it went on.

Just when you thought the movie couldn’t get any stupider, it did. In that way, The Purge is worth the viewing. In another way, it’s simply one of the dumbest movies I’ve ever seen. Not quite “so bad it’s good” like The Room or Birdemic, but as far as concepts and character decisions go, it’s more outlandish and ridiculous than anything I’ve ever seen.

I tried to fit everything stupid about The Purge in one post, but I barely made it into the second act before I had filled up a really long post. Here’s the first part of what’s so stupid about this movie.

The opening title:

America. 2022.

Unemployment is at 1%.

Crime is at an all-time low.

Violence barely exists.

With one exception…

“Blessed be the New Founding Fathers for letting us Purge and cleanse our souls, Blessed be America, a nation reborn.”

Why it’s stupid:

According to the Bureau of Labor, the current unemployment rate is 6.7%. That’s down from a high of 10% in October of 2009. The lowest it has been in the last 10 years is 4.4%, as recently as May of 2007.

Isn’t it reasonable then to see our country get down to 3% unemployment… without allowing them to murder and rape and violate each other once a year?!?!

“Crime is at an all-time low… except for that thing where we’ll look the other way, even if you dismember your own children and eat their flesh. As long as it’s only on this one night! Thank God we eliminated crime though, am I right!?”

We have laws to protect us from being murdered and raped and pillaged for a reason, and I don’t know why “Having a little patience before you kill someone” is a reasonable excuse for ignoring that. I agree that The Purge had a great concept, but assuming that it would happen as a way to curb violence (and raise employment? I don’t understand the connection) is stupid.

Opening credits:

We see “Purge Feed” footage of people killing each other in the streets on March 21st of every year (this is also supposedly going to start happening within five years, you guys! Fuck, who did we elect after Obama? He sounds like a son of a bitch.) while Clair de Lune plays.

Why it’s stupid:

Beautiful classical music playing over violence is so fucking cliche. Ugh.

Also we set the scene for this happening every year on March 21st. Maybe I’m picking nits,  but why not set it for the summer? As we see later on, the kids are coming home from school that day. So on the day of the purge, we let our kids go to school, and presumably, it’s a school night! What if one of your kids misses the bus and has to walk home that day?

Oh fucking well, your son is dead!

And I think we’re burying the lede here a bit: Everybody gets to watch CCTV footage of the entire city. Is that a year-round thing or just on one night? Seems like some costly infrastructure to set in place for just 12 hours of viewing every year. I want to see the movie that takes place on a regular day, do people just watch CCTV footage of the local bar, strip club, grocery store, restaurant and jerk off? Tell me more about that!

“You’re number one sir!”

We see our lead, Ethan Hawke, and he’s driving home in his nice car, through his nice neighborhood, and quickly he establishes on a phone call that he sells home security systems for the purge. After that he calls his secretary and asks her if she’s heard the news yet.

She says, “Yep, you’re number one. You came out on top.”

Why it’s stupid:

This is supposedly one of the biggest moments of his career and he found out after the work day was over, on a phone call with his secretary. Why wouldn’t his boss tell him during the day, in a meeting, with a big celebration and a gold watch or some bullshit? This is how he finds out?


“Great news everyone, we did it. Go out and celebrate! Hope you don’t die though, seriously.”

Talk radio:

Hawke then turns on talk radio and it’s your average DJ taking calls from around the country to find out how people will spend their purge. There’s even more pounding home of how people love their security system. A guy talking about how he’s going to kill his boss.

Then he pulls up next to a neighbor and is like “Yeah, you do your system check like I recommended?”

and the dude is like “Yup, it works great” (remember this stuff for later)

And he’s like “Great, I have the same one. Only the best, my dude!”

Why it’s stupid:

This is what I’m talking about with the whole concept of the purge not working. This guy is like “Yeah, I’m gonna hunt down my boss and kill him.” Would anyone blame him for that? No. And yet the opening title sequence says, “Unemployment is at 1%.” What it should say is “Unemployment is at 1% and bosses being murdered is at 43% so that’s why we keep having to hire new people.”

The concept of the movie is that people need to release all their tension of not being able to murder people by being able to murder people one night a year. It also assumes that everyone is going to murder a stranger.

It’s pretty common knowledge that you’re much more likely to be killed by someone you know than by a stranger. “Hey fuck you, dad! I hate you, mom! Okay, now lock us inside the house together so that nobody will come kill us.”

Also, what are the insurance laws about murder on the purge? Can you kill your wife and collect the insurance money? I’m imagining that on purge night, people just kill their spouses in record numbers.

But thank god you bought that security system from Ethan Hawke!

(By the way, I honestly don’t think that very many people have bloodlust. I fear what the writer of this movie thinks about the rest of us. Or what he secretly wants to do to us.)

The odds of being murdered are very, very, ridiculously low. It was recently ranked as the 16th-leading cause of death in the U.S., and just 1% of deaths a year ago were a result of murder. Out of those, only 30% were the result of an attempted felony, like robbery.

If the number was more like, 15%, then maybe I could see a need for a night of death and destruction. But we’re honestly putting EVERYBODY at risk, to appease like 30,000 people that really wish they could kill someone and get away with it.

Yeah, that makes so much fucking sense. GOD THIS MOVIE IS SO STUPID.


“Release the Beast”

The tag line for The Purge, the day not the movie, is “Release the Beast.” People keep saying it to each other and on the radio.

Why it’s stupid:

God, that’s so fucking stupid.

“We got an hour before commencement.”

There are 62 minutes until the start of The Annual Purge and Hawke gets home and kisses his wife Lena Headley, who is just making dinner all la-dee-frickin-da and having a great, wonderful day.

Why it’s stupid:

This is like the fifth or sixth year of the purge, you know, that night where you can rape and murder people and do whatever the fuck you want, and this family is acting like it’s just another day. Like it’s the fourth of fucking July.

How could you possibly be used to the purge already? THIS ISN’T A FUCKING JOKE, YOU COULD BE MURDERED TONIGHT.

This scientist:

Lena Headley then sees her attention turn to the TV of this scientist talking about why the purge is necessary to “contain societal violence.”

Screen Shot 2014-04-08 at 12.46.48 PM

Why it’s stupid:

Oh, five seconds ago you were acting like the purge was no big deal and now you’re interested in what this scientist has to say about it?

Also, fuck this scientist.

Purges: How do they work?!

Lena also tells Ethan that their daughter Zoe has been a real bitch all day and he needs to take care of this “Henry situation.” Really? Hasn’t she been at school all day? As we’ll see in a second, she’s also in her room with Henry, so how much have you actually seen her today? For like, two seconds before she ran up to her room to fuck her boyfriend?

“Let’s growl”

We see Zoe and Henry kissing up in her room and I’m pretty sure he’s about to fingerblast her when she says, “I love you.”

Then Henry says, “Let’s growl”

Screen Shot 2014-04-08 at 12.50.22 PM

Why it’s stupid:

Henry suggests that instead of saying “I love you” like everyone else, they should growl at each other.

I seriously want to jump off of a bridge.

“You have to get home before lockdown”

Zoe tells her stupid boyfriend (If Ethan Hawke doesn’t kill this growling moron, I will. This is the only reason for a purge; to kill douchebags like this one. “Let’s Growl”!? Holy fucking shit.) that he has to get home before lockdown. Which must be like 50 minutes away by now.

And he’s like “Aww man.”

Why it’s stupid:

Seriously, how can Ethan sell all these home security systems when it seems like nobody is actually all that concerned about the one night a year where I’m legally allowed to do whatever I want to you and your entire family?

Not that I have the bloodlust, but apparently some people do!

Get your ass home and be with your family, and hope they don’t kill you, you fucking idiot. “Let’s growl” fuck you!

“Let me sharpen my machete here in the backyard”

As Henry is leaving, we see Zoe’s neighbor sharpening his machete in his backyard.

Why it’s stupid:

Even if it’s legally allowed, doesn’t anyone in this purge universe have any moral obligations to themselves and everyone else? Or am I the only one that doesn’t want America to turn into the Tutsis and the Hutus?

“Oh, hey Mr. Smith! Nice looking machete! Whatcha gonna do with it?”

“This little thing? Gonna chop off my wife’s arms and legs tonight while I have the chance!”

“Okay great! Good luck! I totally don’t think you’re a creepy weirdo, since it’s the night of the purge and all.”

“That makes total sense.”

“Agreed. Total sense.”

My goodness. So stupid.

“I made you some fucking cookies, I don’t hate you at all, look at how much I’m smiling, this isn’t weird!”

So then the neighbor-lady Grace comes by bearing cookies as gifts for Lena Headley. Seriously it’s 30 minutes to the purge, get in your fucking houses.

Then this other dude and his wife drive by and they are all smiles too. Seriously, everyone in this movie is so damn “happy.” “Those cookies are crazy-good” says the guy driving the car.

Then Lena grabs the cookies but the bitch Grace won’t let them go. (Hmm, what’s that about?!) and they start walking up to the house. Grace is like “Oh wow, the new addition to your house is sick as fuck. You guys had a really good year, much better than the rest of us. Your husband sold a security system to everyone in this community. Some people think we basically paid for the addition to your home. We bought this shit and what did you do for us? Just gave us the security systems we asked for.”

Then she literally does say to Lena, “You’re too sensitive.” because she got offended by the fact that all the neighbors hate them for selling them shit. What a bitch.

Why it’s stupid:

Beyond the fact that the movie is now giving us all this seemingly-needless exposition (spoiler alert: why the fuck would they keep bringing up the money, the success of the family, the security systems, the cookie plate she won’t let go of, the false niceness, if it wasn’t coming back for an even more pointless “surprise” later on?) it’s also just really fucking stupid.

“You’re a real sensitive piece of shit. All I said was that the whole neighborhood hates you for selling us stuff. We’d have more money if we hadn’t bought stuff, and you’d have less money if we hadn’t bought stuff from you. Bitch.”


So Lena and Ethan also have a really stupid-looking son named Charlie. He creeps up behind his mom trying to look up her dress with this creepy looking doll on wheels. It’s like a Roomba for Charlie Manson.

Screen Shot 2014-04-08 at 1.11.01 PM

He’s controlling it from a hidden little cubbyhole in his closet. I’m sure this won’t come back again later.

Why it’s stupid:

Who wouldn’t worry about their son if he took a doll, burned half of it off, added a red LED light to it’s eye, put it on wheels, added a spycam to it, and drove it around the house sneaking up on his mom and seeing what she’s up to?

At least Lena Headley is used to “family fun” from her days on the Game of Thrones set.

“It’s stupid”

Ethan and his family are sitting around the table and says, “Okay, everybody tell me about your day.” and then Charlie has some sort of heart condition and says “It’s nothing to worry about” but has to check his vitals or some shit.

Then Ethan is like “Okay Zoe, tell me about your fucking day.” and she says “I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s stupid.”

Why it’s stupid:

Finally, somebody says something in this movie that is fucking reasonable. I like to think that the actress playing Zoe was actually looking at the director when she said that. It wasn’t a line in the script. She was just speaking openly and honestly:

“I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s stupid.”

Also, Lena says that there are “no carbs” in their dinner that night (This is exposition that I actually think we DON’T need) but I’m 99% sure that the only food I definitely see is carrots.

Carrots have carbs, honey.

“I did it.”

But Ethan Hawke actually just wants to tell the family HIS news.

“I did it. I did it. All sales are final, and I’m on top. My division sold the most upgraded security systems.”

He’s so fucking excited. Like, it’s the best thing that has ever happened to him. And the result is… “Way to go, hon.” “Good job, dad.” and that’s it. Even Ethan is like, “Okay, what’s next.”

Why it’s stupid:

It reminds me of the scene in Birdemic where Rod makes a sale for a million dollars (with a 50% discount) and is like “Yes. Sweet. I did it.”

The Purge is, on many levels, as stupid or dumber than Birdemic.

The Ferrins are having a party

Grace’s family is having a party on the night of the purge. It seems like people can go in and out.

Why it’s stupid:







Finally, it’s time to lockdown. Honestly, it seems like a lot happened in that “62 minutes until Annual Purge” but whatever. Ethan and his family look over the neighborhood with their many, many security cams (but hmmm… could they have still overlooked something? He’s only THE SECURITY GUY.) and they lock shit down and he gets his gun.

Also, this is a gun that Ethan Hawke owns.

Screen Shot 2014-04-08 at 1.25.06 PM

Jesus, man.

And I’d also note that this is the year 2022, but really all of the technology seems in line with what we had in 2013. They lock shit down with iPads, basically. Man, we really stopped trying after Steve Jobs died.

Why it’s stupid:

Because this whole movie is stupid. I’m exhausted. I’m only 15 minutes into the movie but I’ve been writing for two hours.

What a stupid, piece of shit movie.

“Police, fire and emergency medical services will be unavailable until tomorrow morning at 7 am, when the Purge conclues.”

That’s a message, word-for-word, on the TV screen at the start of the purge.

Why it’s stupid:

I have a couple of questions. First of all, what’s going on with time zones? Did we eliminate them? 7 am ET? Is it a rolling purge, like New Years? Can I start in New York then if I still feel like killing more people, start heading west? How does this make any sense? Is school and work cancelled for the next day? What if I have to go to work at 5 am? WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS?

Second of all, YOU’RE TURNING OFF 911 and ALL MEDICAL, FIRE SERVICES? I understand police, I guess, but what if my grandpappy has a heart attack?! It’s 12 whole hours, how many thousands of people will die of accidents and other shit that they didn’t deserve? I guess you’re just absolutely FUCKED if anything happens to you during the 12 hours of purge, even if it’s not due to the purge.


I am only 17 minutes into the movie and quickly approaching 3,000 words. I need to take a break. We’ll see if I can even bother to continue this, but look at how much stupid we already have… and Oh God, the ending is the stupidest part.



the settle: relationships are never how you want them to be

February 8, 2013 § 18 Comments

Take your relationship advice from me, I’ve been in one.  ;)  Literally, one.

Okay fine, I’m not a “relationship expert.”  I haven’t had “a ton of girlfriends.”  I’ve never “met” a “girl” that “liked” what “I” had to “offer” and maybe I’m not “handsome” or “smart” or “whatever” okay?  Maybe in high school I never “went out” with any “girls” and didn’t ask anyone to “prom” and “homecoming”.  BFD, amirite people??  But what I do have is my finger on the pulse of the American people.  I am great at sensing feelings and understanding how others live.  I am the human observer to the human experience,  a meta-Zoo if you will.  “We Meta Zoo”  

Sorry, once I said “Meta Zoo” I had to write that down.  (Did you see We Bought a Zoo?  It’s the literal worst.)

In all sincerity, I still think that I have valid opinions on relationships, even if my last serious one was a couple years ago. Okay, a few years ago.  Okay, fine, four years ago exactly.  Not like I was counting or anything.   You do realize that most sports coaches were not good sports athletes right?  If you can’t do — teach, right?  Exactly.  I’m an excellent teacher of the human experience.  An excellent coach of sexual conquests.  I’ll get you where you need to go, even if I can’t go with you.  I am Sex Gandalf to your Sex Frodo. 

One particular subject that I wanted to broach today was the concept of people who seem to have a hard time finding “the one.”  People that might have been through a lot of partners, or people that find themselves single at a mature age.  (Huh, maybe I do have experience on some relationship subjects.)  It came up recently in the comments that older people that do find a partner seem to have an easier time making that relationship work.  And it’s quite true.  Statistically speaking you are much more likely to avoid divorce the older you get once you are married.  It’s basically a statistical improbability by a certain age, and not just because you’re close to death.  Why is that?

Well, there are a lot of easy answers that hold truth.

Experience, you wised up, you rushed into your first terrible marriage (terr-iage), you just don’t care anymore, the kids are out of the house, you’re more financially secure, you know what you want finally, you’re used to your lover farting in front of you now, and so on and so on.  But I think the most important of those reasons is basically an amalgamation of all of those reasons; You just are not going to find “the one.”

Listen, I am a romantic moreso than the next guy.  I own How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days, so I think I know a thing or two about romance.  ;)   I’ve seen Can’t Hardly Wait a dozen times, okay.  The only thing that “Drives Me Crazy” about romance is the movie Drive Me Crazy with Melissa Joan Hart and Adrian Grenier.   Do I know something about romance?  Only if you count that I know a lot about Love, Actually.  And so on and so forth.  I’ve seen a lot of movies, is what I was getting at there.

But there’s a lot of truth in that.  We idealize relationships and romance moreso than our parents, and they idealize it a bit more than their parents, and so on and so forth.  Our forefathers didn’t divorce our foremothers not just because they had a lot of foreplay and because it was fore-bidden (nice job, me) but they also probably didn’t think it could get any better.

“This is marriage.  Martha likes to do needlepoint while I’m trying to play the flute and it annoys me but oh well!”  not “Martha, stop that!  Elizabeth doesn’t do that to Henry on Real Housewives of Humboldt County!”  That was just life and love back then.  As a matter of fact, its still life and love.  We’ve just forgotten that.  We’ve taken that for granted.  This is how I see so many young relationships fail: You just want too much.

I wouldn’t say that older people “settle” necessarily into relationships that make them sad or angry, but I think older people start to realize that a good relationship requires things like patience, acceptance, sacrifice, and compromise.  It’s not always going to be perfect, in fact it rarely will be.  It’s going to be hard some days but those days shouldn’t make you run away.  There are going to be times when it might not seem ideal, but you don’t want to become the disaster known as “Liz & Dick” and in that case I am talking about the real life relationship of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton and also the movie Liz & Dick.

Mostly the movie.  Jesus what a disaster.

I’ve been prepared for a long time to know that my next serious relationship will have rocky roads that must be traversed rather than turning away or going another route just because it gets difficult.  You don’t settle, but you do settle in.



i believe in the unbelievable. i believe that there is more. i believe that anything is possible.

December 28, 2012 § Leave a comment

To understand a person and how they came to be the person that they are today (though you never truly understand a person) you have to trace back to every day of their existence.  Every day is a brick, a chair, a room with a trampoline as a floor since my lifehouse can have that, its my lifehouse metaphor.  You may not understand the theme of this article by me only giving you a little bit of background into my upbringing, it simply will not suffice, but I can try.

I was raised by a single mother from the time I was 3, though I am sure she was always raising me alone from the time I was born, since my father had other places to be.  I have one sister, four years older, and she was cursed with a curse that all sisters have: She is a girl, and girls, especially ones that are four years older, do not want to hang out with their brothers.  When my sister was 10 and I was 6, she wanted to be 16 and I wanted to be 6.  That’s just the routine for young boys and girls and so I did not play with my sister very often.

In fact, I can’t recall a single time that I did so without her feeling forced to do so.

So what is a boy left to do during his formative years without anyone telling him how to form?  Watch movies.  And when there is no television, as we canceled cable several times for financial purposes, make shit up!  I spent countless hours jumping around the couch shooting imaginary bad guys with my imaginary guns.  I put my action figures into action.  I will never forget the time that I was having a funeral for one of my toys, a G.I. Joe lost in battle that was being given an epic send-off, and humming Taps as the other action figures carry his body to the grave, except for one fatal error: It turns out that I did not know Taps, or at least I had gotten confused, because my mother came by and asked why I was humming the wedding song.

*pulls tight collar away from neck and says ‘oh. boy.’*

But that was my childhood.  Not the part where I accidentally passed a gay marriage bill for my action figures, but the part where I was living in a reality made up of either movies and television half of the time, or whatever war, adventure, or game-winning sports play that I deemed to be possible for the rest of the time.  It’s not that I, at the age of 4 or 8 or 16 or I-should-probably-stop-now, actually believed that I hit the game-winning shot for the Seattle SuperSonics in Game 7 of the NBA Finals (or that they actually allowed me nine attempts to hit the shot) because I am not a psychopath or completely delusional, but I did live with the idea that the world is whatever I want it to be.

I did not choose the reality as we know it.  I did not create the Earth, the Sun, the Oceans or the iPod.  Those realities are out of my hand.  But whenever I want to, I can create a different world, a world where anything is possible and I can be anybody.  Who would not want to live in that world?

In movies like Pan’s Labyrinth or The Science of Sleep, these imaginary dreamscapes are better described than what I could explain, but it’s something like that except without really seeing these worlds, settings, or characters.  You just have to believe it.  And so when I had time to myself as a kid, which was plenty often, I could be whoever I wanted to be and live where ever I wanted to live and the rules of science and math and physics only exist as I allowed them to exist.  I don’t live in these worlds much anymore (I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t caught a few game-winning Seahawks touchdowns in my bed over the last couple of years) but that does not mean that I don’t still believe.  Whereas I created these Universes* as a child for the purposes of entertainment and passing the time, now I use these same principles as a means of coping with the many unanswered questions that turn the Sun and our very existence into an enigmatic Rubik’s cube for which I will likely die before solving.

I am a logical and rational human being.  I don’t want you to think that I have completely lost my shit.  I know that the laws of physics seem rather legit.  I don’t doubt that E does equal MC squared, even though I could not tell you how Einstein got there or how it makes my popcorn pop in the microwave, but I have no reason to think it’s bullshit.  (I mean, I heard that nutrinos could fuck that up, but once again, not my field of expertise.)  However, why do we, as people, have to stop there?  Why do we have to accept anything and everything that has been told to us?  You once told me motherfucking Santa Claus was real and THAT was bullshit, so why should I just bend over, look over my shoulder, and say “Sure, shove the laws of gravity up my butt, I’ll take it.”?

Yeah, gravity seems VERY legit.  But what if I told you that tomorrow, there would be no gravity?  Or that it would be like Moon gravity and we raised the NBA hoops to 25 feet?  You can tell me that it won’t happen, but I will reply, “Why not?”  And you would give me a verifiable 100% scientific answer as to why it wouldn’t, but that’s not really the point of what I’m trying to convey.

Here are some questions I would pose to you:

- What if time travel is real?  How could you ever really know for certain?  The life that you are living right now, what if it didn’t exist until a second ago?  What if before that second, someone from the future went back in time and shot Abraham Lincoln and so now you’re Tim Carter instead of Tina Leone?  What if Marty McFly was a real person?

- What if the Matrix is real?  Fuck, how should I know??

- What if tomorrow you are eating Haagen-Dazs and watching Family Guy and then all of a sudden a vortex pops up behind your couch that leads to God knows where?  Would you go through it?  You most certainly would at least throw in the ice cream first or eat it all first.

- What if you weren’t even you until this very moment?  What if you were transported into this body at this second and implanted with all of your memories that you think are real?  What if you’re Quantum Leap but if Quantum Leap didn’t know he was Quantum Leap and what am I trying to stop from happening?  Who do I have to stop from getting married or killed?

I am not trying to say that I necessarily believe all of the above because I pretty much don’t.  I know that tomorrow I will wake up and go through my regular routine.  The sky will be there, the Earth will be there, episodes of Sweet Valley High will still be around somewhere.  I know this.  But damn it, it doesn’t mean that I am absolutely and utterly against the idea that anything is possible.  Please, for the love of Sweet Valley High, tell me that anything is possible.

Tell me that we will all be able to fly tomorrow.  Tell me that one day I will get to jump in John Malkovich’s head.  Tell me that I can be Limitless like Bradley Cooper in Limitless.  Don’t we all sort of get by on hope?  Don’t we all sort of get out of bed for a reason and not only because we have to (because hey, you don’t have to do anything), not only because we want to, not only because of what already is, but we also get out of bed because of the things that don’t exist.

“I don’t have a girlfriend.”


“I need to pay my bills.”


“I can’t walk.”


Everything we do in life should at least hinge somewhat on the idea that we are going to get something today that we did not have yesterday.  Is today the day you fall ass-backwards into a windfall of cash?  Is today the day that you look in the mirror and are satisfied with your physique?  Is today the day that new episodes of Arrested Development are released?  We need a little something to motivate us to go on.  We need a little something to believe in.  Maybe for me, that little something is the ability to fly, to find a vortex, or to travel back to the day when stock in Microsoft was like $10 a share.

Maybe when I was a bored little boy whose sister wouldn’t play with him I created these worlds and beliefs to pass the time and make the day a little better, but even as an adult I still hold out hope that anything is possible- so that I may pass the time and make the day a little better.  It makes the morning more palatable.  It makes existence more fruitful.  It doesn’t make the Universe more understandable, but perhaps easier to cope with since we know we don’t know very much about it anyway.

For me, that’s all I need to wake up.  That, and an action figure wedding.


*Side-Bar About Creativity, Writing, and Comedy

People often attribute creativity to some inherent attribute that never had to be worked on or molded.  Many people think that if you are an adult writer, director, painter, musician, or likewise, then you are just one of the “lucky” ones.  I have told people that I write and they immediately say “Well shit, maybe I should write too!”

Fuck. You.

I can probably weave a quick tale, story, subplot, or narrative together for you right now but it’s not because that shit is easy to do.  If everybody was a good writer, then 99% of screenplays wouldn’t wind up in a: Fireplace, waste basket, shredder, Recycle Bin on your desktop, or turn into emergency toilet paper.  And guess what?  If I turned in a screenplay to Hollyweird right now, best be sure that it would wind up in the same place.  Maybe if I keep working on it for 8 or 10 or 15 more years, we will see what happens, but where I am today at 30 wasn’t because the writing fairy tickled my nutsack when I was 2 days old and said “You get to be a writer!”  No, do you want to know how people become creative?  They were really fucking bored for a really fucking long time and so every single fucking day they worked that muscle.  For me, I did not work it with the purposes of turning it into anything; it was a means of survival.  I watched 1-4 movies every single day.  I made up shit every single day.  I spent all day in class scribbling and doodling and making up villains, heroes, space battles, and monsters on paper because the I was more interested in that than I was in math.  (Maybe an occasional pair of boobs.)

What did a scientist do in class?  Probably spent all day in the lab because he or she couldn’t get enough of the beakers and such.

What did a philosopher do in class?  Wondered what the fuck he or she was doing there.

What did LeBron James do in class?  Probably jack shit because he was great at basketball, but hey, he was/is great at basketball!

Everybody everywhere gets something out of something.  You are where you are at least partly because of the shit you enjoyed when you were a kid and how you spent your days.  You: Perhaps a musician that picked up a guitar when you were 5 or 9 or 14.  Me: Kind of a loser actually.  I always had A friend, but I never had like 30 friends.  So I coped with my childhood by making shit up and watching TV.  You know how funny people are funny?  They coped with the society of bullies or feeling that they needed attention or not feeling like they were good at anything else.  I was a child that thrived, no thirsted, no hungered, no needed-or-i’m-going-to-have-a-fucking-fit on laughter.  Nothing makes ME feel as good as when YOU are having a laugh.  Comedians can go through 10+ years of stand-up before making any kind of names for themselves.  The first few years are even rougher because you bomb a lot and frankly that’s no different than a classroom.  You have to re-live the days when your first *fartnoise* joke causes rolling in the aisles, but dead silence because “Hey we’ve heard that one before, Kenny.  Say some shit about crayons!”  

I know a lot of people that read blogs, especially on WP, are writers or bloggers themselves.  I’m not saying you, yes YOU /reaches through Laura’s computer screen/ are a person that would say that writing is something that comes natural to people, but a lot of people seem to have that inclination.  Fuck no it does not come natural and neither does comedy.  This is something you live with.  This is how you cope.  This is something I have been working on before I knew you needed to work on shit to get good at it.

It just so happens that writing for 40+ hours per week has only happened in the last two years.  But there was a pretense of over two decades in which I fine-tuned and worked and molded that muscle.  In retrospect, I should have been a doctor.  But instead, I am a person that likes to write and make jokes.  It was not natural.

*Side-Bar Over*  *Overruled*



The Room: The Book

November 30, 2012 § 3 Comments

Writing “a book” can be rather daunting if you’ve never done it before.  Just ask me: I’ve never done it before and I’m daunted!  However, I think I’ve stumbled upon a book idea that is not all that daunting because really it would just be a collection of essays on one particular subject.  It’s a subject that I’ve spent countless hours going over in my head, I once started a blog about it, and I know that I could expound upon the subject for at least 500 pages without even feeling like I had fully covered it.  (Though I won’t write 500 pages.)  If you’ve read the title of this article, then you probably already know that I’m talking about the 2003 Tommy Wiseau film, The Room.

The Room isn’t just considered to be one of the worst films ever made, but I believe that it’s one of the most thought-provoking movies in the history of cinema.  No fuck that, it is the most thought-provoking movie ever made.  I have seen a lot of deep movies that made you think, but none quite like the mind-taxing phenomena that Wiseau somehow produced almost a decade ago.

Last night I was having a conversation with my roommate about a line of dialogue.  Let me repeat that: Last night I had an entire conversation (that could have gone on forever if we had wanted it to) about a single line of dialogue.  It seems like it is so simple, but The Room is somehow layered unlike most movies and the most amazing thing about it is that it was probably just an accident.  (The use of the word ‘probably’ also hints at the fact that there’s a thread of possibility that it was not an accident and the world has just been trolled by Wiseau.  In which case, my brain is Humpty Dumpty.)

The character of Johnny (Wiseau) is one the roof (again) and talking to Denny (how much I could talk about Denny…) and discussing what movie they should go see.  Denny asks Johnny and Johnny replies: “We could see…. Oh Denny, don’t plan too much.  It may not come out riiiight!”

Immediately my mind races:

- Don’t plan too much, for it might be all a wasted exercise.

- How much planning is too much planning?  Because in this case, the only “plan” that Denny proposed was deciding on a film before you get to the theater…

- Why is Johnny brushing off Denny here?  It seems as though perhaps Johnny could just be completely oblivious as to what movies are out, what movies even are, and instead pushes back on Denny with a lecture about planning.

- We’re talking about going to see a movie here.

- Then I also wonder, since we ARE talking about a movie here, is this sort of meta-commentary on the film itself?  Was Tommy saying “Look, don’t plan too much on making a movie because in the end it might be shit.”  OR was he saying “I actually DID plan too much, this is my life’s passion, and look what we have here even after all of that careful planning?”

Ultimately I don’t believe that Johnny and Denny ever actually went to see a film that day.  Maybe they should have planned better.

That’s what can come about from a single line of dialogue, and I’m paraphrasing.  A single scene, such as the masterful Chris-R scene, would take forever to analyze.  Or the “Hi Doggy” scene, Jesus.  So now I begin my journey towards writing up as many essays on the movie as I can, both analyzing scenes and trying to hopefully find answers on the intent and result of what happened in The Room.  It’s not something that I could just let rest.  It doesn’t really matter if anyone reads it, I’m not sure that there’s much of a market for it, but we’ll see what comes out the other end.  I’m not sure what’s going to happen, that would be too much planning.


The Best Horror Movie Sequels

October 31, 2012 § 6 Comments

It’s the most wonderful time, of the year

There be werewolves and demons

and teenagers screamin’

They’re full of good fear

It’s the most wonderful time, of the yeaaaaarrrr!

Happy Halloween!

I was born and raised on horror movies.  Well, that doesn’t sound right because it makes it seem like my mom forced me to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre before I could do my homework.  I was born, then I was raised, and as that was happening I developed a love for the macabre.  Probably to the point where other parents would say “that’s one weird fucking kid.”

Oh well.

Through the years I’ve gone through phases and stages where I’ll take a step back and not watch a scary movie for awhile, but then like a drug addict or food addict (as I know all too well) I will go on binges.  There’s the Halloween Horror Challenge that I did where you watch 31 scary movies in October.  (I completed the task in about two weeks.)  Or the time I worked at Hollywood Video and they let you rent three movies at a time for free.  (In the 6 months that I worked there, I watched over 300 movies.)

Still single, ladies!

With that being said, I’ve obviously seen a lot of horror movies and just about every horror movie franchise movie worth (and not worth) watching.  Here are my favorites (and worst) of all those series:

Sleepaway Camp III (Imdb: 4.9)


Angela Baker (who is clearly not the woman on the cover, but is played by Bruce Springsteen’s little sister) was definitely one of my first killer crushes.  I think I actually saw the Sleepaway Camp sequels before I saw the original, which is good because I might have never watched them if I had done it in reverse.  The first movie is actually pretty boring, and then all of has a sudden disturbing and shocking ending out of nowhere, and that might have ruined me for the series (and “girls”) forever.

Pamela Springsteen showed up for the next two however, and everything was going to be okay.  Sleepaway Camp II hits all of the right notes of a campy, cheesy horror flick that is desperately trying to nibble off of the leftovers of the Friday the 13th franchise, but it falls a bit short in one area that #3 excels in: Being terrible.

If I’m going to watch a campy, cheesy, gratuitous horror movie, then I want it to be as bad, cheesy, and gratuitous as possible.  The premise of SC3 is that a program unites teens from bad neighborhoods and good neighborhoods in order to build camaraderie towards the two sides, while camping.  Because if there’s anything that inner city kids want to do, it’s camp with rich kids.  If there’s one thing that rich kids want to do, it’s camp with city kids.  And racism?  The movie has plenty of it.  Actors and actresses in their late-20s (and possibly 30s) playing teenagers?  Hey, that’s the way of the world in 1989.

Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland is not a Waste-of-Time.

Worst: Return to Sleepaway Camp.  A pointless attempt to revitalize the franchise without Angela.

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (part 5) (Imdb: 4.3)

The Two Goreys

A close second was probably Jason X, the Friday movie that wasn’t afraid to say “fuck it, we’re going live!” and be so satirical that if you understood satire you’d absolutely love it.  But Friday 5 has always been and always will be, my favorite Friday the 13th movie.  Period.  (The first one actually isn’t very good.)

Friday the 13th 5 has it all:

- Corey fucking Feldman

- Teens having sex in the woods

- Flashbacks

- Teens having sex in cabins

- A punk rock chick

- A young black kid named Reggie

- Reggie’s older brother “Demon”, who gets killed while taking a shit

- Crazy kids, because this one is set in a halfway house in the woods

- Seriously, the main character Tommy was attacked by Jason as a kid and so when he grows up where do they send him?  TO A HALFWAY HOUSE IN THE WOODS!  Don’t they have any city halfway houses?!

I could go on forever about this, such as the first scene at the halfway house where a teen murders another teen and saves Jason some work, or the surprise ending, but that’s plenty.

Worst: Friday the 13th Part II. Why?



A Nightmare on Elm Street Part III: Dream Warriors (Imdb: 6.3)

NOM-NOM-NOM-mare on Elm Street

Heather Langenkamp? Check.

Laurence Fishburne? Check.

A young, hot, and sexy Patricia Arquette?  Triple-check.

Probably the best casting job of any of the movies (Sorry, Johnny), Dream Warriors manages to excel as both a good movie and a ridiculous Nightmare on Elm Street movie.  The Nightmare movies provide value to the horror market because anything is possible in a dream.  That’s where they can either go horribly right or horribly wrong (looking at you, Freddy’s Dead) but in this case it goes horribly right.

Set in a mental institution for teens that can’t sleep because of Freddy, Arquette and her new buddies struggle to survive as he comes and gets them anyway because if he didn’t… well, that wouldn’t be a very good installment in the franchise!  In this case, the dream warriors use their powers to try and defeat Freddy because “Hey, we’re in the dream too, let’s make shit happen.”

The deaths are all solid (TV on the head, hell below the bed) and you actually feel something for the characters.  About as rare a quality as you’ll find in any horror franchise sequel.  And why not?  Academy Award-nominee Frank Darabont co-wrote the screenplay.  It was also only one of three Nightmare films that Craven was credited with co-writing.  Dream Warriors isn’t just one of the best in the Nightmare series, it’s one of the best horror sequels ever.

Worst: A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)  There have been some bad sequels in this franchise, but nothing compares to an almost shot-for-shot remake of one of the ten best horror movies ever made.  Psycho’s remake seemed to have some kind of point, the Friday the 13th “remake” was an original story, but the Nightmare remake was the same thing as the original but incredibly worse.  It was a fucking travesty and likely why the series looks dead for now.

Scre4m (Imdb: 6.2)

“Now younger and sexier!”

You can’t fuck with me on the Scream series.  The original was the movie that shaped me as a movie fan, as a horror movie fan, as a person that wanted to write screenplays.  The first two sequels were fine movies, but I knew in my heart that nothing could touch Scream.

“I’ve seen that movie twenty god damn times!!!” as Casey Becker would say.  Except that I’ve seen Scream more like 100 god damn times.  I wanted to memorize it word-for-word, stab-for-stab.  So my expectations for any sequel would be both high (because it’s got Neve Campbell, my love, my heart, my inspiration) but low because it’s not the original.  However, Scre4m (or “Scre-four-em” as I pronounce it) actually exceeded expectations by a mile.  Tons of kills, lots of interesting characters, a good story, and the funniest installment in the franchise by far.

In fact, one of the best pieces of horror satire this side of Shaun of the Dead.

I have no idea if Scr5am could ever hope to match it, but Kevin Williamson is contractually-obligated to write it if they do make it, so it couldn’t be that bad.

Worst: Fuck you, there is no worst Scream movie.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (4.8)

Muy bien!

Finally, it’s time to hit on the franchise of the day, Halloween.  And it’s the most difficult one of all, but not for the right reasons.

1. Halloween is one of the best movies ever made.  But it was great based off of suspense, not off of kills.  John Carpenter never directed another installment, and subsequent sequels basically only had one thing on common: Michael Myers.  Therefore, none of the sequels were ever that great and often blended together.  They could never re-create the suspense of the original, instead trying to do what every other franchise does: Kill everybody in the world.

2. The franchise has taken serious turns and gone through incredibly different phases, much like an actual kid growing up.  Could we say that Halloween: H20 is the best sequel, because it returns Jamie Lee Curtis and also has LL Cool J?  Could we say that Resurrection is the best because it’s probably the most-watchable-terrible movie in the franchise and has Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes?  Could we say that Rob Zombie’s Halloween is the best because it takes chances unlike any other in the franchise?

Yeah, we could probably say all of that.  There are definitely installments that are terrible (I count 3 of them) but none that were ever phenomenal.  They’re all flawed.  So why Halloween 5?

There’s something about the character of Jamie Lloyd that I just always identified with.  She’s one of the few horror “heroines” that I ever invested emotionally into.  I cared about the relationship she had with the older females in 5 and wanted them to survive.  I couldn’t tell you a whole lot about the plot, it probably doesn’t even exist, but I did care about Jamie.  I can’t say that about anyone in Rob Zombie’s version, or about the one that had Paul Rudd, and definitely not about any motherfucker in Season of the Witch.  Halloween 5 (and 4 because she’s in that too) are probably the ones I’d put on today if it were Halloween.

Holy shit, it’s Halloween!

The Worst: Halloween 3: Season of the Witch and Halloween 2 (2009)

I will never forget the disappointment I faced in sixth grade when on Halloween my friend Doug and I rented Season of the Witch from Blockbuster and then kept saying, “WHERE THE FUCK IS MICHAEL MYERS?!”  What a piece of shit.  But then 27 years later, Rob Zombie made a sequel to his own pretty-good version of the franchise and might have actually made Season of the Witch watchable in comparison.

Halloween 2 is one of the few movies I’ve ever turned off.  I almost always finish a horror movie that I start.  That’s how bad that piece of shit was and it probably ruined Zombie, a director that used to be one of my favorites, for me forever.

Stop trying so hard to be edgy and focus more on something that’s actually good.  I know that you can, but you’ll never touch another Michael Myers film again.  Maybe nobody should.

Happy Halloween, you fuckin’ freaks!

Hot Girls From My Childhood: Melinda Clarke As A Zombie!

August 24, 2012 § 3 Comments

I think that a criticism of this series might be that I come off as a male chauvinist.  That it’s sexist to call women “hot” or possibly implying that I think attractiveness is all that women are good for.  That idea is what one might call, “Bull.  Shit.”

I love women.  If anything, I am a feminist more than I am a chauvinist.  I was raised by a woman, and only a woman.  I grew up with only women.  I am probably single partially for that fact because I am not handy around the house and I can’t change the oil on a car, but I definitely relate well to women.  Did you not have any crushes as a kid?  Did you not hang a Mark-Paul Gosselaar poster in your room?

Of course you did.  We all did, men and women alike.  He’s Mark damn Paul freaking Gosselaar.

The reason that I personally like this series is that it gives me an opportunity to reminisce, not on famous sex symbols, but of the lesser-knowns.  Perhaps the forgottens.  The women that shaped the tastes I have in other women as of today, which is probably why I am single because of course none of them are attainable to a schlub like me.

I should have had a crush on Kimmy Gibbler instead of Alex Mack.  (I feel so creeped to write that at 29 that I feel the need to remind everyone that I was 12.)

One such woman actually was a woman from the moment I fell in love.  I was only 11 or 12 at the time, but Melinda Clarke was already 24.  If you looked at her today, you’d say “Oh yeah, of course she’s beautiful.  I mean come on, she’s gorgeous” if you are the type to use “gorgeous.”  I am usually not because I guess I’m not secure enough in my manhood to do so, but I just did so what the hell am I talking about?  Look at her today:


Well, probably not literally “Today” because holy crap that would be fast to get a picture on the internet and have it as one of the top results on Google Images.  It also looks like it’s taken at the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards (“what kid doesn’t look up to Melinda Clarke?” he said sarcastically) and I’m almost certain that those weren’t today.  I know because I definitely still watch them.  (Again, why do I have to come off so creepy?  Maybe this whole thing is a bad idea)

Yes, Clarke is a bombshell.  If you “didn’t have a thing for redheads” you’d probably question your entire life once you saw Melinda Clarke.  You might try olives or mushrooms again because maybe you were wrong about those too.

However, when I fell in love with her, she didn’t look anything like this.  Not only because she was younger, but because she had an entirely different kind of make-up on.  When I fell in love with Melinda Clarke… she was a zombie.


If you’re asking yourself, “What the hell is wrong with Kenneth?” then welcome to the club.  I’m questioning some things about myself at this very moment.  But then again I do feel justified for this crush.  She is about the most beautiful 1993 zombie ever.  Or at least in 1993, since I basically just pigeonholed my whole statement there into that year.


I was and am a major horror movie buff.  I grew up watching them from a very young age.  I ran to the horror section at Blockbuster every time my mom graciously took me there, and then the teenager behind the counter would say “Stop running, freak.  This is a Blockbuster.”

The Return of the Living Dead is my absolute favorite zombie film of all-time, with exception to Shaun of the Dead, which I’d classify maybe a little bit more of a comedy than a zombovie.  (Yeah, I know that zomedy works better there, but you can’t tell me what to do.  Who are you, the word-mashing police?)  It’s not the most popular choice for best zombie film ever made, but it’s my choice.  Opinions are funny that way.

Well, this is not Return of the Living Dead, in case you didn’t know, but it is Return of the Living Dead 3.  Melinda (who at that time went by “Mindy Clarke”) plays Julie Walker, a rebel without a cause who is in love with her boyfriend or something something zombies.  Plot doesn’t matter here.  What matters is that she was a cute 24-year-old girl that became infected and then started to transform her look into the craziness you see before you.


I don’t know exactly what it was.  The shit in her face, her naturally good looks, or the partially exposed boob, but I fell in love.  I didn’t realize until just this moment that my love of damaged women must have started right around this time. (holy shit that’s a whole ‘nother issue.)

But yeah, this is like the ultimately-damaged woman.  She was a young, beautiful girl with her whole life in front of her and then she started to turn into this flesh-desiring beast who mutilated her body and could not be saved… yet me and her fictional boyfriend would have done anything to be with her no matter what.  There’s probably a message here that goes deeper than the undead, sort of like a metaphor for young people that become addicted to life-altering drugs, but I think I’ll just keep it simple with the “She’s a zombie!” thing.

I was such a horror movie dork in fact that I subscribed to Fangoria Magazine.  Not the usual first-thing-you-subscribe-to magazine for most kids, but I know what I wanted and my mom was cool enough to let me have it.

One day, this arrived:


Not only that, but it contained a full-length poster of Melinda Clarke as the zombie Julie Walker!  This was my dream come true.  Now I knew exactly who I would hang up next to The Goss.  At this moment, Clarke was my main squeeze.

Over time, that faded.  Clarke became a television “star” of sorts, skipping from show to show and probably definitely now best known for The OC.  But not for me.  For me, she’ll always be my zombie bride.

In conclusion…

Yes, I am single.  Why do you ask?





At the Movies: Why the Theater Has Always Been a Special Place to Me

July 21, 2012 § 6 Comments

A lot of people seem to have that memory of the first time they went to the movies.  Their dad taking them to go see a family movie, a cartoon, maybe even something R-rated, and then being amazed by the magic and the spectacle.  I don’t remember the first movie I ever went to see in theaters, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been changed by the experience of going to the movies.

Many of my most treasured memories come from when I was at the movies.

I remember going to see Back to the Future part II and how excited I was when they previewed part III at the end of it, and how upset I was that it was going to feel like forever until it was released.

I remember going to see White Fang with my sister, a rare moment when we hung out together as kids, and then her telling me to hold her seat when she went to the concession stands because the theater was packed.  A family came by and asked if the seats were taken and I was young and frightened by all people back then, so I just say “No” and my sister lost her seat.  We had to sit separately, once again meaning we wouldn’t be “hanging out” together as kids.

I remember seeing There’s Something About Mary as a teen and not realizing that you could laugh that hard.  The term “rolling in the aisles” made so much sense finally.  Everybody in there was amazed, in tears, and in pain.  It’s one of those experiences that truly defined why it was important to see a funny movie with a large group of people.

I remember when my mom took me to go see The Sandlot.  It wouldn’t be long after that until I became a snotty kid that didn’t want to be seen with his mom, but we both really loved that movie and had a great time.

I remember going to see Jurassic Park three times in the theater, because you just had to.  One of the times I went with my uncle in North Carolina, a man I’ve probably spoken to three times, but we really loved that movie and that experience.

I remember going to see The Others with a group of friends.  At one point near the end, a woman pops up and scares the crap out of you, and one of my friends literally ran out of the theater and didn’t come back for the last 15 minutes.  We were probably 18 or so at the time.

I remember seeing The Sixth Sense with a buddy after hearing all the hype about the twist and then somehow, beyond reason, despite how everybody was talking about the twist and looking for the twist, being completely fooled and still not knowing what it was.  Walked out of the theater with jaw dropped.

I remember also seeing Signs for my first time at the Cinerama in Seattle and having a great time.  There seem to be a lot of people who hate that movie, but I love it.  Part of the reason I love it is because of the experience I had at the Cinerama with hundreds of other people.

Even by myself, I’ve had dozens of good times in the theater.  I’ll never forget the summer day when I had no one to hang out with, so I went to the movies.  It was a middle of a Wednesday, nobody else was at the movies at all.  So I went to four of them in a row, just sneaking in: The Descent, The Night Listener, World Trade Center, and Miami Vice.  I’ll never forget that.  I’ll never forget how much fun I could also have in a completely empty theater.

My ex-girlfriend and I went to at least 50 movies together.  I kept every ticket stub, including the one from our first movie date (Dead Silence.  Sorry, I love horror movies and she loved to please me.) and then took every stub I ever saved and put them on a card for her.  She had no idea I had saved every one.

I could literally go on forever talking about the great times I’ve had a movie theater.  How those moments have made me the person I am today, how they shaped my life, changed me and gave me a different view of the world.  It’s not just about seeing the movie anywhere, sometimes its about seeing the movie at the theater.  (Remember how f-ing great Avatar was in the theater and how awfully terrible it is anywhere else?)  It’s one of the few times that you’ll just sit down with strangers for a few hours and co-exist, just as long as they don’t talk, and not be strangers.  Or going there with a new romantic interest or acquaintance that could turn into a buddy, and bonding.

The times you may have went there with your dad, or mom, or the whole family, and finding that even if a movie is “expensive” these days, you can still have a great two hour experience for under $20.  I love going to the movies almost as much as I love doing anything.

Yesterday some sick, depraved, piece of shit did something that’s going to change how we view going to the movies for a very long time.  The ripple effect of what he did on Friday morning is going to ruin hundreds, or thousands, of lives.  It makes me mad to know what he did, but I guess we’re the lucky ones.  We’re the ones that get to be mad, and not the ones that have to deal with losing a brother, a sister, a son, a daughter, a lover.  I can’t imagine what they are going through at this very moment.  I only know that it’s upsetting to sit where I sit.  To think about this tragedy happening at all, and also happening in a setting that I love and cherish so much.  A place that’s supposed to be safe, even if right now it seems so obvious.

I’m still going to go to the movies.  I’m still going to love the experience.  It’s still going to be a major part of my life.  I think we all are, with the exception of those that are dealing with what they have to deal with right now.

I may not remember what exactly my first movie was, but I definitely haven’t gone to my last.

Made-Up Stories From The Set Of The Movie Flatliners: Billy Baldwin Part 1

June 25, 2012 § 4 Comments


I’m cruising down Sunset in my magnificent cherry Corvette when I get a call on my car phone.  I don’t answer the first time.  Never answer a phone call on the first try, you’ll seem desperate.  Let them know you’re Billy Baldwin.

I hit a red light and look over to my left where I see three bodacious babes spotting me, they must recognize me from my Calvin Klein ads.  They’re tryin’ to figure out where it is they know me from.  I think I overhear one of them say, “Beetle Juice.”  Wrong Baldwin, bitch.  My phone rings again.  Now is the time to answer, total power move for the bodacious babes.

Billy: “Talk to me.”

Billy’s Agent: “Billy, it’s your agent, Lenny Mousekawitz.”

“Lenny, this better be good.  I’m meeting with Tommy Cruise to talk about Born on the Fourth of July and then he wants to talk to me about scienceology or something.  Apparently he is really into science.”

“Sounds great, Billy.  Really great.  Hey listen, things are really heating up for you, you’ll never guess who just called.”




“No, this really isnt-”


“Billy, let me just tell you.”

“Kubrick and Baldwin make The Shining 2″

“Billy, it’s Joel Schumacher.”


“You know, Lost Boys and St. Elmos Fire.  Have you seen Cousins?”

“No, but is this Shoemaker trying to do like a sequel to that called Brothers with me and my brothers?”

“No, Cousins is starring Ted Danson.”

“Woah, this guy is working with Ted Danson?  The Ted Danson?”

“That’s right and he wants you for a co-starring role in his next suspenseful thriller about a group of medical students that intentionally stop their hearts so that they can cross over to the other side for a few minutes and then be brought back to life.”

“Sounds interesting.  You think this might be bigger than Beetlejuice because for the last six months whenever I talk to Alec it’s Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.”

“This is gonna be big, kid.  They’re looking for nothing but up-and-coming stars for this flick and a group of people that’s gonna be just as big as all the other careers that Schumacher has launched this decade.”

“Yeah, like who?  And besides Danson, because we already knew Danson was one of the biggest stars in the world before that movie that you had mentioned before that I remember the name of.”

“Ever heard of The Corey’s?”


“Andrew McCarthy?”


“Jason Patric?”


“Emilio Estevez, Judd Nelson, Ally Sheedy?”

“Okay, okay, you have convinced me and you can now stop.  These names that you are naming, these are the biggest names on the planet.  Thirty years from now, how many Oscars and collective billions of dollars will this group of actors and actresses have accumulated because as of today in 1989, you’ve just named the biggest stars of the future.”

“And you can join this list.”

“You are damn right I can.  Sign me up immediately Lenny.  I must do this movie.”

“Great kid, let’s get you in this picture.”

“By the way, what is the name of this movie?”


To Be Continued….

10 Sex Facts and Statistics, Both Interesting and Informative

April 30, 2012 § 9 Comments

Have you ever wondered how you stack up, sexually?  Are you doing it frequently enough, with enough different partners, getting enough diseases, and packing enough heat?

These are the types of questions that I either wonder about or that will, more importantly, bring more viewers to my site.  Search engine optimization, baby!

Professor Alfred Kinsey founded the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction in 1947 and heavily influenced how Americans view sex and sexuality.  Even through controversy, studies like the ones done at the Kinsey Institute helped break down walls and show that what you were doing behind your bedroom door wasn’t that much different than what your neighbors were doing so don’t feel so bad about it.  In fact, let’s have a key party.

If my hair parted like that, I'd become a sex scientist too.

Today, sex studies are done with greater frequency and answers are able to come with more accuracy (hopefully) based on the fact that we’re less shy about saying what we do and with whom we do it.  For the most part it doesn’t matter if you’re gay/straight, virgin/Kardashian, kinky or straight-edge.

Just be yourself.

But how close is “yourself” to everyone else?  Let’s look.

Men Average 6-8 Sexual Partners in Their Lifetime, Women Average 4

According to a 2005 study by Mosher, Chandra and Jones, people aren’t slutting around nearly as much as I thought they were.  Or are they?  According to a study by Norman Brown, women claim eight partners in their life and men reported… 31.

Brown admitted that the the high number of sexual partners reported by men was probably false, whether intentional or unintentional, based on the fact that men don’t have the same connection with a sex partner as women do.  A woman is more likely to recount all of her sexual experiences, while a man might feel the need to guesstimate based on how much he had to drink those nights.

In the movie “Whats Your Number” with Anna Faris and Chris Evans, Anna’s character is concerned after reading that you’re far less likely to get married if you have more than 20 partners in your life (for women.)  Welp, she slept with Joel McHale and that was number 20 so now she HAS to marry someone that she’s already banged.  (Why does she HAVE to?  Don’t you know that COSMO is science?  Or it might have been because this was a terrible fucking movie, even for an Anna Faris rom-com.)

Is 20 partners “slutty” for a girl, though?  If you’re mostly single until your 30 and you’re sexually active starting at 20, that’s only two partners per year.  It’s not the sluttiest thing that I’ve ever heard of.  An average Paris Hilton will average 20 partners in the time it takes you to read this sentence.

What’s the real average?  It’s hard to know for certain but 8-10 sounds fair for women and 20 sounds fair for men, but now I’m just guessing based on those rules from American Pie 2.

75%-85% of Men are Cumming While Only 29% of Women Show Their O-Face

Thought you did your job well when she trembled in desire?  She probably just desired a better experience and was humoring you.  According to National Health and Social Life Society, not only do less than a third of women reach orgasm, but far fewer actually do so from vaginal intercourse.  Sorry guys.

According to National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB) 85% of men report that their partner came the last time that they had sex.  While only 64% of women say that they actually did.  (So the number is between 30 and 64%?)

My advice is that if you want to make your lady go crazy, start working on those “ABC’s”.

Are You Touching Yourself Enough?  Too Much?

Well, in my opinion, there is no way anyone could masturbate too much!  At least, there isn’t a “too much” if I want to keep thinking that I’m normal.

Here are charts provided by the Kinsey Institute:

Masturbating Alone

AGE 18-19 20-24 25-29 30-39 40-49 50-59 60-69 70+
Past Month 61.1% 62.8% 68.6% 66.4% 60.1% 55.7% 42.3% 27.9%
Past Year 80.6% 82.7% 83.6% 80.1% 76% 72.1% 61.2% 46.4%
Lifetime 86.1 91.8% 94.3% 93.4% 92% 89.2% 90.2% 80.4%
Past Month 26% 43.7% 51.7% 38.6% 38.5% 28.3% 21.5% 11.5%
Past Year 60% 64.3% 71.5% 62.9% 64.9% 54.1% 46.5% 32.8%
Lifetime 66% 76.8% 84.6% 80.3% 78% 77.2% 72% 58.3%

I find it interesting that 94.3% of men age 25-29 admit that they have masturbated in their lifetime, the highest of any age range.  Making ages 25-29 the most honest age range in your lifetime for men and women.

The highest rate of masturbating for women also is between ages 25-29, the only mark in which over 50% of women say that they have rubbed it out in the last month.

What about mutual masturbation?

Masturbating with a Partner

AGE 18-19 20-24 25-29 30-39 40-49 50-59 60-69 70+
Past Month 14.5% 15% 20.5% 22.9% 19.2% 14.4% 10.3% 4.1%
Past Year 42% 43.5% 49.3% 44.7% 38.1% 27.9% 17% 12.9%
Lifetime 49.3% 54.5% 69% 68.3% 61.5% 51.9% 37% 31.6%
Past Month 18.4% 16.1% 24.1% 19.3% 12.7% 6.7% 5.9% 2.1%
Past Year 36% 35.9% 48.2% 43.3% 34.8% 17.7% 13.1% 5.3%
Lifetime 38.8% 46.9% 64% 63.1% 56.1% 46.9% 36.4% 17.5%

It appears that over half of us will share our private time with a partner, so if you haven’t done it yet you better get on it.  Ladies, if you haven’t and you’re concerned about that, my number is 555-2424.

Over Half of Us Will Get an STD

Last night on the show Girls on HBO, the issue of “HPV” was at hand.  (Yes.  I watch Girls and if it wasn’t funny (which it is) I would still watch it because of Brian Williams’ daughter, my new soulmate, Allison Williams:


So, HPV… Is it something to be concerned about?  Yes.  HPV can cause cervical cancer and kill you.  But just getting HPV isn’t the end of the world.  Facts from the CDC:

HPV is passed on through genital contact, most often during vaginal and anal sex. HPV may also be passed on during oral sex and genital-to-genital contact. HPV can be passed on between straight and same-sex partners—even when the infected partner has no signs or symptoms.

In most cases, the body fights off HPV naturally and the infected cells then go back to normal. But in cases when the body does not fight off HPV, HPV can cause visible changes in the form of genital warts or cancer. Warts can appear within weeks or months after getting HPV. Cancer often takes years to develop after getting HPV.

HPV (the virus). Approximately 20 million Americans are currently infected with HPV. Another 6 million people become newly infected each year. HPV is so common that at least 50% of sexually active men and women get it at some point in their lives.

Genital warts. About 1% of sexually active adults in the U.S. have genital warts at any one time.

Cervical cancer. Each year, about 12,000 women get cervical cancer in the U.S. Almost all of these cancers are HPV-associated.

That’s over 50 percent of people having HPV but only 1% even getting genital warts.  Many men have HPV and there’s no way to be sure that a guy does or doesn’t have it because there’s no test for men.  The best thing that a woman can do is be safe and if you do get HPV, getting regular screenings for cervical cancer, but having HPV isn’t a big deal.

So don’t feel bad you dirty sluts and perverts.  Also, 25% of us are living with an STD that can’t be cured.  Uh oh.

It’s Estimated That Over Half of All Time on the Internet is Spent on Things Related to Sex

Like this very article that you’re reading right now!  But mostly, I’m guessing, spent on Bangbus and YouPorn.  According to a study by Vincent Yoder, “Internet Pornography and Loneliness: An Association?” most of the time spent online is spent there so that we can fulfill our 90% rate of masturbating.

Sadly, yes, there was also a “significant association” between loneliness and internet pornography, so rather than going to Brazzers after you read this article, let’s be friends?

Think the Sex Will Die Down When You Get Married?  Yeah, It Probably Will

According to a German study, only about half of women still have a high sex drive after four years of being in a committed relationship.  The number continues to go down as the years go up because the initial high sex drive is to solidify bonding with her new man.

The odds on Frequency of Sex for Men and Women:

Percentage of Men Reporting Frequency of Vaginal Sex, N=2396
Age Group
  Not in past year
  A few times per year to monthly
 A few times per month to weekly
 2-3 times per week
 4 or more times per week
Not in past year
A few times per year to monthly
A few times per month to weekly
2-3 times per week
4 or more times per week
Not in past year
A few times per year to monthly
A few times per month to weekly
2-3 times per week
4 or more times per week
Percentage of Women Reporting Frequency of Vaginal Sex, N=2393
Age Group
  Not in past year
  A few times per year to monthly
 A few times per month to weekly
 2-3 times per week
 4 or more times per week
Not in past year
A few times per year to monthly
A few times per month to weekly
2-3 times per week
4 or more times per week
Not in past year
A few times per year to monthly
A few times per month to weekly
2-3 times per week
4 or more times per week

There isn’t one single woman over 70 that’s having sex?  That’s definitely a demographic that I’m going to have to take advantage of when I turn 30 70.

If You Cum Inside a Woman After She Orgasms, It Increases the Odds of Pregnancy

Well, I don’t have any concerns about that happening to a girl that’s with me!  The orgasmic muscles in the pelvis will help push the spermies closer to the eggies.

So, if you’re married and trying to get pregnant, spend more time on her and less time on yourself when your rubbing your thingies together.  However, if you are having sex with someone that you don’t want to get pregnant, wear a condom or if you’re like me, just keep doin’ what you’re doin’.  According to a study, 0% of women have orgasms with me.

The Average American has Sex Over 100 Times a Year

Man, I really forgot what it was like to be in a relationship.  The most recent study I found said it was 103 times per year on average.  That sounds like a lot, but how far behind am I in having sex 103 times a year since being single?

Well let’s do the math:

Number of times I’ve had sex this year + number of times I’ve kissed a girl divided by number of times I’ve watched Star Wars – number of minutes I’ve spent trying to figure out Game of Thrones X the number of times I’ve eaten a fun size Laffy Taffy = …

It appears that by my calculations I need to have sex 104 more times this year in order to reach the average of 103.  Wait, what?

Small Dick?  Hey, Let’s First Measure the Vagina!

The average vagina is 62.7 mm in circumference with a range of 40-95 mm.  If you’re girl is complaining that it’s like a hot dog down a hallway or a pencil in a volcano, don’t be afraid to measure the hallway and the volcano.

Maybe her hallway is more like a ballroom.  (An even better analogy since you could mention that there’s actually enough room for your balls to go in there too)

“Hey, this is like putting a nuclear warhead inside of a giant ballroom!”

Yeah, that’ll show her.

Okay, What You Really Want to Know About is Dick Size, Amirite?

My independent study has found that every other study has something about dick size.  It seems to be the number one concern for all men and therefore to keep traffic coming to these sites, everyone mentions the dick size.

I mean, the size of my dick has been a concern to me too.  When I was 11, maybe.

The real answer here: If you get a girl to the point where she’s actually touching your dick, you’ve won.  Unless you have micropenis, put it in the back of your mind and if you do have micropenis, most girls are going to be satisfied more by what you do without your dick.  Hell, there’s a lot of girls out there that don’t want to have sex at all (From my experiences with women, I know this to be true!)

And women, I really don’t give a shit how big your boobs are so on the flip side you need to stop trippin’ about that, too.  If a woman actually lets me see her boobs, she’s got me wrapped around her little finger.

But since you asked about dick size: 5-7 inches and almost 5 inches around.  Feel better now?  We know this because of many studies conducted by hundreds of scientists that measured dongs, like this one at the Kinsey Institute.  Dr. Erick Janssen measured over 300 dicks during a five year period and for his sake I hope he’s straight because otherwise he would have been in dick heaven and nobody would have gotten any work done.

Now if you’ll excuse me, Allison Williams has raised the average masturbation rate by 5%.

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Movie Monday: The Cabin in the Woods Review, It’s a Real “Game-Changer”

April 16, 2012 § Leave a comment

“Game-Changer” was the word of the day on Saturday.

That’s what my friend said he had heard in reference to the movie The Cabin in the Woods.  “It’s supposed to be a game-changer!”  That’s when the word game-changer really flipped the script on our day and everything we thought we had known about adjectives was changed.  Our game’s had been changed.

But what about the movie?  Was it really a game-changer for the movie industry and specifically for the horror genre?  Did Joss Whedon (the name that was heavily attached to the project and promotion even though the film was directed by first-timer-in-the-chair Drew Goddard) just change everything we know and expect about horror movies?

Boy, the game will never be the same!

Or it might.  These things go in cycles.  The horror genre is changed like every five years: Halloween was a game-changer by popularizing the slasher genre.  Scream was a game-changer.  Saw was a game-changer.  The Ring was a game-changer.  And now, The Cabin in the Woods is the latest film to put a new direction on the horror genre.

Cabin set out, like Scream, to put a mirror on the genre and say “This is what you are.  This is what you do.  Now, this is what we think about it and we’re going to use every cliche to our benefit and call you out for it.”

The movie doesn’t over-explain how any of what they are doing is possible, letting the viewer decide for themselves whether or not they want to fill the (many) plot-holes of Cabin but did Whedon and Goddard under-explain?  You know, by leaving so many questions for the viewer?  It would be nice to think that the movie didn’t sort of use a cop-out by the end of it, but when you release yourself from worrying about it you’ll find that you just had the most fun at a movie that you’ll have all year.

Any horror fan should recognize how great The Cabin in the Woods really is and just enjoy that you’ve got a very talented group of people making a $30,000,000 horror movie (a lot for the genre) just gave an homage to a genre that I hold very near and dear to my heart.  There are a lot of crappy horror movies but Cabin shows that when great people decide to dip into the genre, they can create something that gives you positive emotions for 90 minutes.

Isn’t that the whole idea of going to the movies anyway?  To feel something?  To escape?  I laughed, I jumped, I rooted for the characters, I gained more appreciation for Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford, I saw the genre take a new direction for the foreseeable future (Welcome back to a sci-fi/horror mix of copycats!) and the game has been changed.

I can already see that I’ll probably watch The Cabin in the Woods 20+ times in my life, depending on how much longer I actually live.  It’s going to spend some time in my PS3 when it hits blu-ray, that’s for sure.

The game-changer gets a perfect score: 10/10.

Also saw:

  • 21 Jump Street.  Really great.  9/10.  Surprised at just how funny it was and I’m not even the biggest Jonah Hill fan these days.  I actually like Channing Tatum more than Jonah Hill.  He’s just so…. dreamy.
  • Re-watched: Ducktales The Movie.  Because I spit hot fire.
  • Re-watched: Scrooged.  An underrated Bill Murray movie?
  • Re-watched: 50/50.  I liked it better the second time around, but I still don’t think it’s all that great.



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