Netflix Instant Review: How The Universe Works (And Why Humans Need To Know This If We’re Going To Survive)

July 12, 2012 § 3 Comments

I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about the universe.  About our planet and what really lies beyond it.  There’s a lot of problems on Earth, but damn it, I think that the future of our species really depends on what we can do to move off of this planet.  Thank God we have people looking into this.

Before I started watching How The Universe Works, I didn’t know very much about the other seven planets in our solar system, the Sun, or really anything outside of this solar system.  I thought that maybe I did, but after having watched the first season on Netflix, I realized that I didn’t know anything.  Now I probably know like .01% of the information, and that’s a lot.  How The Universe Works is an amazing and necessary starting guide for anybody else that’s interested in finding out more about how the universe was put together and how it will ultimately fall apart.

You’ll learn things like that the universe is about 14 billion years old, but also be told why we know that rather than just being expected to believe that we could date something as complex and amazing as the universe.  You’ll learn how the Earth was constructed and how close it was to never being born at all.  You’ll learn about how it’s all going to be destroyed someday.

When I was younger, I thought that the NASA program was an incredible waste of money.  Why would we spend billions or trillions of dollars on getting to places like the Moon?  What could we have really learned from that and what are we really doing to advance our species by finding out what kind of gasses Jupiter is made of?  It never made a lot of sense to me.  Wouldn’t we be better off spending that money on education or a Michael Jackson amusement park?  But more recently I’ve started to wonder what the point of any of this is and thinking that if and when the human species becomes extinct, why were we even here?

Are we just doomed to become fossils for another generation of animal that will arise a billion years from now?  Then I started to look beyond the atmosphere.  Beyond the planets in this solar system.  To some place many light years away…

To a place where a human-like species is already living and thriving.  If we could just contact them, we could potentially learn more about ourselves, about evolution, and perhaps about technology in a single day than we have in our entire history.  Imagine if we encountered a species that was very similar to ourselves, but had been around for an additional 100,000 years.

Or even imagine if we had encountered that same species, but we were about 100,000 years ahead of them and what that could teach us about ourselves as we are now.  Wouldn’t that be the greatest moment of our species existence?  Well, what’s the likelihood of that?

Watching How The Universe Works gave me a good basic understanding of how the universe began, how stars are born and die, and how galaxies form in very similar fashion to one another.  We can also learn that there are many planets out there that are of the correct distance away from the sun and the right size to potentially have liquid water and as we should know by now, that’s all you need to get started.  A planet with water is a planet that can support life and be a hot-bed for it.  And so then, if the planets and galaxies are constructed in a similar way, and if many of these planets could potentially have water, then isn’t it likely that life would form in the same way?  That our paths, even separated by hundreds of light years, are going to be quite alike?

Of course, the real question that we should be asking ourselves is not if alien life exists (because it almost surely does with billions and billions of stars supporting billions of planets) but if we’ll ever be able to contact it.  After all, even a trip past the moon seems to be difficult and as I learned in the series, probes sent to far off places like Jupiter take many years to get there.  It would be so far beyond my capable thinking ability to understand what it would take to get 100s of times further than that and be able to reach a place like that while any of us are still alive.

However, what we know now isn’t going to be anything like what we know in 10, 20, or 100 years from now.  Intellectual and technological advancement doesn’t grow at a constant rate, it’s exponential.

Imagine how insane the world would look today to a person who time-traveled to the present from 1912.  The Titanic was probably the most amazing thing that they had ever seen, and that mother sank.  Now everybody has a car or two, a television or three, a little device in their pocket that allows them to contact everyone else from anywhere on the planet, the ability to travel in the air away from icebergs, and the ability to actually go off into space and explore those shiny dots in the sky.  Isn’t it amazing just how far we’ve come from the 19th and 20th centuries?  For any rational human being, it should be mind-blowing.

So why can’t it be proposed that humans in the next 100 years will be able to create wormholes, fold time, propel jet engines at light speeds, or something else that nobody else has ever thought of?  I’d actually say, and this is just a non-genius, non-expert, regular guy opinion, that it’s quite likely and also very necessary if any of this is ever going to matter.

Anyway, what does any of that have to do with How The Universe Works?  The series, which aired on the Discovery Channel in 2010 and just premiered its second season on The Science Channel yesterday, has been crucial to opening up my mind and thinking outside the box on what’s possible.  It’s given me a basic understanding of just how the universe does work, but providing amazing imagery, excellent dialogue from experts, wonderful narration from Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs, and weaving together the story for the average, not-genius, regular guys and girls like myself.

The episode list is as follows:

Big Bang 

Black Holes (Holy god these are interesting)

Alien Galaxies

Extreme Stars

Supernovas (Perhaps the most amazing thing in the universe that we know of)

Extreme Planets

Alien Solar Systems

Alien Moons

It’s been an awesome opportunity to find out more information about the alien solar systems and galaxies to find out just whats out there.  And I mean, really really really out there.  That perhaps my strong inclination to get the hell off of this planet could actually have some possibility.  That the universe is just so vast that I could never be able to wrap my head around it but this series has at least given me a start and I would recommend it to anybody (yes, ANYBODY.  This is one of those things that should be shown to every sixth grader in the country and I wish that I had seen something like this at least a few times going through school) that has a slight interest in the universe.  Or even if they don’t.

I plan on watching the series at least a few times to get a better grasp on the knowledge given and I think it’s going to be very helpful in my continued personal exploration of why there even is an us, or a planet, or a universe.  Thankfully, I know a little bit more right now on how it works.

 

 

3 Things That Have Made Dating, Sex, And Relationships Obsolete

June 7, 2012 § Leave a comment

I’ve been on this wild dating ride for a few years now since my ex and I broke up, and I must say that I’m ready to start looking for other options.  Certainly, “dating” and “love” and “relationships” aren’t the only answers in life, right?

Some of the greatest minds and historical figures in the history of the world were celibate for part of or all of their lives:

Nikola Tesla

Gandhi (from age 36)

Kierkegaard

George Frideric Handel

J.M. Barrie

Sir Isaac Newton

Queen Elizabeth I

And many others.  For different reasons, all of these people and great minds went without sex.  Can you imagine for a second that in today’s world of mass communication that modern-day entrepreneurs, geniuses, and billionaires like Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates would go forever without sex?  Do you think that Steve Jobs died a virgin?

Can you believe this…

The guy who created The Little Mermaid fell in love with many people (both men and women) and somehow went his entire life without ever having someone love him back!  Hans Christian Anderson, who also created stories such as Thumbelina, The Emporer’s New Clothes, and The Ugly Duckling, once wrote this in his diary:

“Almighty God, thee only have I; thou steerest my fate, I must give myself up to thee! Give me a livelihood! Give me a bride! My blood wants love, as my heart does!”

Hey, this guy wrote The Princess and the Pea… somebody please sleep with him!

But then again, we must consider for a moment that these people would not have been as great if they had been boning (or in the case of Elizabeth or Mother Teresa, been boned) the whole time.  Clearly much of Hans Christian Anderson’s literary genius came from the fact that he felt pain in his heart and it inspired him to write from that pain and give the world something beautiful.

It’s certainly no different than this article I’m writing right now by one of America’s greatest current authors, you’ll see how this piece becomes as great as Thumbelina. :-/  Based off of the fact that like Anderson, I couldn’t get a girl to love me if I paid her.  (Of course, this will change when I move to Nevada someday.)

So thanks ladies for disliking me so much and finding me so repulsive.  If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be able to give you this list of reasons as to why relationships have become obsolete in 2012.  All of you that are married right now, way to go suckers!  You could have just had….

Netflix

Woah, is Team America still streaming? Goodbye, sex!

It’s amazing how far this DVD home delivery system has come.  From going to a service that mailed (not e-mailed, but go check the physical mailbox mail) movies to your home to being a service that eliminates the need for human companionship!

It used to be that people didn’t have anything to do, so they would get bored and go tell someone that they loved them so that they could have someone with them to be bored.  I know because I watched the first part of Hatflied & McCoys.  People would get so bored that they would tell the daughter of a rival family that they loved her just so they could have some action in their lives.

But now we have plenty of shit to do.  Almost too much shit.  With a Playstation 3 or Xbox 360, the needs to eliminate boredom are taken care of.  Every single day of my life, I can go home and turn on that machine and have 1,000′s of movies and television shows instantly streamed to my picture box.  I literally just re-watched seasons six and seven of The Office again this week rather than finding love.

But it’s cool because now instead I have the firm knowledge that the moment Pam and Jim became unwatchable was the episode right after they had gotten married, re-affirming the belief that marriage is dumb and ruins everything.

Netflix ruins nothing.  Netflix just got Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie.  Did you get Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie, love and sex?  I didn’t think so.

Friendship and Dudes

The love between a man and a man is at an all-time high right now, and I don’t mean gay marriage.  I mean just a couple of bros, sitting around, watching some ‘flix, and drinkin’ some brews.  Bros, Brews, Betflix.

Even chix can get on the flix with each other.  There’s no discrimination when you’re just trying to enjoy a nice Saturday with people that you’re not trying to screw, or date, or “love.”  Waste of time if you ask me!

It used to be that the only people you congregate with were your family.  The nearest family might be four miles away, up there on Old Man McGuffin’s farm.  Then when you turned 15, you got married and got your own farm or something.  Now, the nearest person is right over there and everybody goes to school so you grow up with a lot of friends!  Or in my case, a couple of friends!

Human companionship was once only met by family and love.  Now you have your fellow dudes or ladies to keep you laughin’ and lovin’.  You don’t need a sexual partner to be mentally stimulated during the non-sex parts of your day anymore.  I see movies with my bros.  I’ll go see Prometheus with my Brometheus.  I’ll go get a nice hamburger with my Homie-Bro-gers.

Don’t need a girlfriend or boyfriend to keep you company during the days anymore.

The Internet and the Naked People On It

Have you seen this?  Have you heard about this?  Apparently, thousands of people are using the internet, the same thing that you and I use to send free e-cards to our relatives and to look at pictures of cats with, to look at pictures of…. naked ladies?!?!

That’s right.  In this breaking news story, millions of Americans have typed in “sex video” to the website http://www.Google.com and found what’s being called “pornography” so that they may pleasure themselves while alone.

Federal police are investigating the matter and finding that both men and women, but mostly men, will go to websites such as Sex.com, YouPorn.com, or LactatingMommies.org in order to ejaculate without the help of a partner.  By using a technique that experts are calling “masturbation” these men will jerk their dicks up and down, simulating intercourse, so that the ejaculate comes out even though there might not be a vagina anywhere in site for which to pro-create.

This can leave a sticky mess but men are using all types of materials (rags, socks, towels, t-shirts, boxers, hats, glossy 8×10′s, friends backs, folding chairs, egg roll wraps, etc.) with which to clean up afterwards.

Women will also look at this pornography, or “por” for short, and use their hands or even toys to stimulate themselves and reach orgasm.  No word on whether or not these toys are action figures, nerf balls, or some other form of toy, but apparently some of them vibrate much like your cellular telephone or my mom’s “back massager.”

This investigative reporter has decided to trying this “jacking off” technique in order to see if it really wor- I am going to go take a nap.

I celibate and I give a bit away!  Actually, I give all of it away.  Seriously, this is like getting a free pen.  Anyone?

 

Movie Monday: The Hunger Games, Anchorman 2, Reviews for ATM, Apollo 18

April 2, 2012 § 1 Comment

For the first time ever, this blog is getting a little structure.

Well, sort of.  I’ve decided that because of the randomness of KennethAuthor that it would be beneficial to both of us if I just started designating Monday for movie talk.  I love movies and I love writing about movies, at one point in my past I was going to be a movie critic, so now I can use this forum to get it all out.  And Mondays will be the day for that.

To help me stay somewhat chaotic though, this originally turned from just being movie reviews of the films I saw from the past week into my thoughts on movie news as well and whatever else tickles my fancy because if I know anything about Mondays, it’s that I need my fancy tickled more often.

The Hunger Games Wins the Box Office Again, Now at $365,000,000 Worldwide

I haven’t seen The Hunger Games yet or read the books, so no, this is not a review and I won’t pretend that it is a review.  It wasn’t long ago that Hunger Games was what I called the time between dinner and 4th meal.  I just like box office numbers, so I want to talk about THG….

 

The most important thing to remember about box office numbers and records though is how much the circumstances change over the years with things like inflation, midnight openings, and the amount of theaters and screens that a movie plays on.  THG opened to $152 million in it’s first week, third most all-time.  What’s more impressive is the fact that it took 60.8% of the total receipts that weekend; only two other movies in the top 100 for opening weekends have taken in more than 50% and those were Valentines Day (90th, 50.9%) and Watchmen (95th, 51.4%)

What’s kind of amazing to me is that the first book came out in 2008 and now less than four years later, it’s a movie franchise that will end up being worth billions.  The only reason I haven’t seen it yet is because of the PG-13 rating and comparisons to Battle Royale, but I’ve now heard from friends that they were shocked at the PG-13 rating.  I didn’t want to see a family version of Battle Royale, I would rather just watch Battle Royale.  My concerns have been eased though and I’ll go see it soon, probably.  I can’t wait to find out if Jennifer Lawrence eats or not.

Anchorman 2: Ron Burgundy and the Crew are Coming Back, Filming in February 2013

News team! Assemble!

It’s hard to remember what the Hollywood atmosphere was like eight years ago, but try… I remember being in college and having my friend tell me that I had to go see this movie Anchorman.  I was skeptical and the movie wasn’t exactly full of movie stars and wasn’t getting a whole lot of buzz.  I know that sounds crazy to say now, but it’s true.

This was the first movie written and directed by Adam McKay.  Will Ferrell was “Frank the Tank” but could he carry really carry a movie?  Only the most hardcore of Freaks and Geeks fans had ever heard of producer Judd Apatow.  Paul Rudd?  Not even close to being a star.  Steve Carrell?  I think I recognize him from The Daily Show.

Even Seth Rogen had the most minor of parts, not as a cameo… but because Seth Rogen was a nobody.

In the course of the last eight years, all of these people have become major players in the film business and it all basically started with Anchorman.  Do you think Carrell would have ever gotten The Office and 40 Year Old Virgin if it wasn’t for his breakout performance as Brick Tamland?  Do you think that 40 Year Old Virgin would have even ever been made it if Anchorman was a total failure?

In addition to all of that, the entire trend of “multiple takes improv” filming basically became popular because of Anchorman.  I’m not going to say that Anchorman invented the style (because it didn’t) but after it became a cult hit and one of the most quoted movies of all time, the copycats came out in full effect.  Some did it well, others did not.

After years of fans begging for it, Paramount finally ran the numbers and decided it was time to give us the sequel that all of the people involved promised that they actually wanted to make.  It’s time to find out whether San Diego stayed classy or not.

Movie Review: ATM

ATM (2012) directed by David Brooks, written by Chris Sparling, and starring Josh Peck, Alice Eve, and Brian Geraghty.  Now Playing On Demand and on Amazon Instant for a robust $10

Unless you won the lottery last week, save your ten bucks.  ATM is basically “Two guys, a girl, and a vestibule.”]

What happens when three co-workers stop off at an ATM machine late at night and are terrorized by a mysterious dude in a winter jacket without any real weapons?  Better yet, what happens when an incredible set of circumstances and unexplainable decisions leave three friends in a position that they could have avoided if they just did any number of things differently?

ATM is basically a “bottle episode” horror movie, which I usually like.  Recently, the movie Frozen was about two guys and a girl stuck on a ski lift over night and the film shares about 100 things in common, except that Frozen seemed exceptionally more believable.

Question: Why did you park 100 feet away from the ATM?

Question: What are the odds that three people would be standing anywhere in America and none of them would have a cell phone in 2012?

Question: How impatient do two people have to be in order to go check on their friend in the ATM booth when only one person needed cash?  Is one minute really that long of a time to wait?

Question: The ending… really?  Really?

Question: No, really?

This movie has a ton of frustrating questions and very few answers.  But on the bright side, screenwriter Chris Sparling has at least expanded his setting from his first movie “Buried” by a good 150 square feet.  I can only assume his next movie will take place in a Taco Bell/KFC.

Movie Review: Apollo 18

Apollo 18 (2011) directed by Gonzalo Lopez-Gallego, written by Brian Miller, and starring Warren Christie and Lloyd Owen

“The found-footage-movie that you’ll wish was never found!” – Me, right now

I will give props to the ambition of Apollo 18.  A low-budget space movie that legitimately pulls off “being in space” and with good special effects, considering.  In the history of these types of movies, dating back to Blair Witch Project and continuing on with movies like [REC] and Paranormal Activity, you will have a certain cliche of criticisms: too shaky, too boring, not believable.

I personally never had a problem with the “shaky shot.”  I didn’t think that any of the Paranormal Activity movies were boring.  I bought into Blair Witch Project from the beginning and enjoyed the hell out of it.

Apollo 18: One of the most annoying, boring, and unbelievable movies I have ever seen.

“You’ll vomit from the constant movement!”

“Just when you think something is going to happen…. It doesn’t!”

“Who said that two random astronauts talking about nothing in particular wouldn’t be worth 75 minutes of your time?  Me!”

When it was all said and done, there was barely more than an hour of the actual movie and by minute 20 I was begging for it to be over.  Apollo 18 was a movie that I will never give a second chance to, it was terrible.  Producers didn’t allow the movie to be screened for critics, and now I know why.

I give it 2 out of 18 moon rocks.

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Netflix Memories: The Gate (1987)

March 20, 2012 § Leave a comment

It’s amazing how fucking stupid we are when we’re kids.

It’s no wonder that as adults (technically speaking) we see kids television, movies, and music as being “quite shitty” but we understand that it’s just because kids usually like to keep it simple.  Don’t over-complicate it, just make a watered-down movie that will make kids laugh and scream in joy because it doesn’t take much to do that.  I guess what we don’t quite get to live down is watching kids grow up and realize just how stupid their favorite movies are.

For example, I remember watching Mac and Me as a very young child and LOVING IT.  I thought it had great story, adventure, and a classic tale of a boy and an alien and I stuck with that story for a very long time.  Why change it?  I didn’t bother to actually watch Mac and Me for years but I never forgot how it made me feel as a five year old.  I should have stuck with that story.

Mac and Me is the dumbest fucking movie ever fucking made.

Forget the fact that it’s a complete ripoff of E.T. or that it’s basically a 90-minute commercial for McDonalds, it’s just a terrible movie and it’s only redeeming quality is just how terrible it is.  (At least do yourself a favor and watch the dumbest dance sequence in cinematic history.)  But that’s just part of being a kid; loving really stupid shit and being ignorant of what is good and what is not.  It doesn’t matter when you’re a kid if it’s good or not, it only matters if it made you happy for a little while.  Mac and Me did that for me as a kid, but it also made me feel like a damn idiot as an adult.

Another movie that’s similar in that respect, but not quite as bad, is The Gate.  A movie that I recently revisited on Netflix Instant watch.

If you’re unfamiliar with the movie, I’ll break it down like this: Stephen Dorff (what’s the point of giving the characters name when he’s played by a young Stephen Dorff?  It’s Stephen fucking Dorff!  And he’s 12!) and his sister Al (played by a not famous person, although she looks like the big sister in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids!  Although, I guess that actress isn’t famous either) are left home alone for the weekend by their parents.  A lightning storm or something forces the tree to fall over in the back hard and landscapers have to dig it out and leave a big hole in the backyard.  Dorff and his loser friend Terry (no offense loser) go to the hole and find a geode (a rock with pretty insides.  I am not breaking this down because I think my audience is dumb, I honestly wouldn’t know what a geode was if not for The Gate) in the ground and let’s just say it has magical powers because I have no time to pretend like it doesn’t.  We know where this is going.

(My apologies for all of the parentheses.)

They take the geode into Dorff’s room and then it like burns some ancient evil words onto a piece of paper and they repeat the words: Aka kuto alla meta.  Which is an anagram for “A Oatmeal Talk Auk” and that’s not in the movie but I’m giving it to them for free.

But uh oh everybody, the house is now cursed or something and demons are going to be released in Stephen Dorff’s house!  That night, his sister Al is having a a party and like most high school parties, they stop and tell ghost stories.  And like most times when kids sit around and tell ghost stories, one of the girls swears that she can make a person levitate.  And like most attempts to levitate Stephen Dorff, it works!  And like most times that a bunch of people actually see a person levitate, people basically shrug it off like no big deal.  That’s all.  He just floated in mid air when that girl said “Watch I can make Stephen Dorff float in mid air.”

When all the weird shit in the house begins to happen, Stephen Dorff and his friend Terry realize that it’s some effed up stuff and that they have a serious problem (like when their loving dog mysteriously dies and they get over it in a couple hours) or the levitation and Terry brings over a terrible metal album and explains all this stuff about demons and why demons are probably coming out of the hole in the backyard.  Seriously, 12-year-old Terry knows more about demons than a Satanic Book Shop Owner.

In order to keep the demons from getting out of the hole in the backyard though, the guys have a good plan: Put a piece of wood over it….  Really.

This doesn’t work and hilarity (horror?) ensues.  Terrorizing Dorff, Terry, Al, and the Lee sisters for the next 40 minutes or something.  Who are “The Lee Sisters”?  Fun Fact: They are the only other people besides the Dorff to become famous, even though they have a relatively small part in a relatively small movie.  They are played by Kelly Rowan (The O.C., One Eight Seven) and Jennifer Irwin (Eastbound & Down, No Strings Attached.)

I won’t “ruin” the rest of the movie for you, and I also am just sick of talking about it.  The movie left some images in my mind that sort of always stuck with me, such as an eye in Stephen Dorff’s hand that he has to stab and little claymation demons running rampant in the house.

It’s one of those movies that I would never forget, except for all of the important details that made it really stupid.  The Gate has a lot of sentimental value for me (like going to Blockbuster on Fridays with my mom and running straight to the horror section and picking out a different VHS every week, probably renting The Gate several times) but otherwise turned out to be a pretty horrid movie.  This is properly exemplified in its 5.4 rating on IMDb and its 33% Fresh Rating/45% Audience Rating on RottenTomatoes.  There is a reason we usually don’t let kids rate movies or have respected opinions on movies, because I would have easily given The Gate 10/10.

That’s not to say that The Gate is all bad.  I mean, it’s got The Dorff and the Lee Sisters and it has some interesting moments, while also being unintentionally funny at times.  Here are some interesting facts about The Gate, both good and bad:

  • It’s a Canadian film.  I feel like I should have opened with that.  It would have made a lot more sense if I said from the get-go that it was a Canadian film.  I never knew that until this morning and then that did sort of explain a lot with just one word: Canadian.  No offense to my Canadian readers :) xoxoxoxo.  (It doesn’t really help if I say “No Offense” does it?  I love many things Canada, I promise.)
  • Don’t worry, the Dorff isn’t Canadian.  He was born in Atlanta, Georgia.  This was his film debut.
  • Dorff was nominated for a Saturn Award (a nerdy science fiction/fantasy awards show) for Best Performance by a Younger Actor, but he lost to Kirk Cameron for the “body switch” movie, Like Father Like Son.  The following year, the award went to Fred Savage for the much different “body switch” movie, Vice Versa.  Note to young actors, if you’re not in a “Freaky Friday”-type movie, what are you doing with your life?
  • He was also nominated for a Young Artist Award for leading actor in a horror film and lost to Corey Feldman for The Lost Boys.  Other winners that year included Patrick Dempsey, Fred Savage and River Phoenix.  Ohh… eighties, how I love thee.
  • The Gate won the “Golden Reel Award” at the 1988 Genie Awards, a ceremony for Canadian films.  The Golden Reel is given to the highest-grossing film of the year (The Gate grossed $13.5 million) which is rarely the best film of the year.  Other winners include Meatballs, Porky’s, Johnny Mnemonic, and Air Bud.
  • A short documentary named The Gatekeepers was made in 2009, about the making of The Gate.  I have not seen it.  I will search for it now though!  If only to find out if people can actually levitate in Canada and that’s why nobody at the party freaked out.
  • A 3D remake directed by Alex Winter (yes, Bill S Preston, friend of Ted Theodore Logan) was in pre-production for a long time around 2009-2011 but I can’t find any updates on it recently.

You can watch The Gate right now on Netflix Instant, and you can see the Dorff scowling and trying to give a sexy look somewhere in Hollywood.

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Quick Hit Netflix Reviews: Newly Added Movies and TV

February 16, 2012 § Leave a comment

Netflix Instant has a bunch of sections when you’ve got it streaming to your TV.  I personally use a PS3.  I’ve found most of what I want to watch on Netflix, and I’ve got my queue with 30 movies that I swear I will watch eventually, but usually I wind up looking for something else to watch.

There’s “New Releases” (that hardly ever change significantly) and the Top 10 for Kenneth (that has maybe 1 movie I’ll add to my queue) and then there’s like 10 sections of movies based on shit I watched or liked before.

I make due, but often I’ll search on the internet to see what hidden gems there are on Instant.

The other night, I watched “I Think We’re Alone Now”, a documentary about two people that are obsessed with the singer Tiffany.  This was interesting to me because Tiffany is hot and I wanted to see what a stalker was like in real life.  It was kinda sad, and the two stalkers had so many life issues, that you sympathize with one of them and just sort of fear what the other one would do if he/she (it’s a hermaphrodite) got exclusive access to Tiffany.  But then I was disappointed because the documentary was kind of amateurish and NEVER INTERVIEWED TIFFANY!  I was waiting the whole time for them to get Tiffany’s side, but they never did.  So I don’t recommend it because it’s kind of uncomfortable to watch too much of these stalkers lives.

That was a paragraph review on one movie.  Here are a bunch of mini-reviews of things I’ve already seen that are in the “Newly Added to Netflix” section…

Quarantine 2 – I like “easy” horror movies that don’t make me think a lot and have interesting settings.  Q2 is set in an airplane.  Zombies and airplanes.  Yeah, it’s worth a watch even if it’s about a 5/10.

Sons of Anarchy – I think I watch SOA because of how bad it is sometimes.  I seriously think that it jumps the shark at least once an episode.  Where else can you find that?

Family Guy – You like it or you don’t.  I do.

DMT – A documentary on one of the craziest drugs that you aren’t taking or perhaps have never heard about.  I know I hadn’t.

AFV – Old episodes of America’s Funniest Home Videos.  A show that became completely pointless after YouTube.  Have you ever tried to watch old episodes of people home movies?  THEY ARE SO BORING AND STUPID!  Crotch shots?  Seriously?  Spend 5 minutes on Youtube and tell me you haven’t had your mind blown way more than it was when you were six.

The League – My review: Season 1 was good.  Season 2 was terrible.  Season 3 was better and Rafi saved the show.

Spaced – Early stuff from Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright, and Nick Frost.  No Shaun of the Dead fan should go without watching this show.

Into the Universe with Stephen Hawking - I’ve only seen the first episode.  But interesting stuff.  I love space and universe documentaries!

Shameless – A good show.  Can’t believe just how shameless they really are.  Seeing William H Macy in a whole new light.  And Emmy Rossum is just beautiful.  (And topless.  There, I said it.  Yeah, it’s a positive.  I was shocked that she goes topless in this show.  Not a lot of young actresses do it.  Why does Anne Hathaway get so much credit?  Emmy Rossum > Anne Hathaway in every way.)

Norm McDonald: Me Doing Standup – Fucking brilliant.

Babel – I don’t even remember this movie.

Psycho 1998 – BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Weather Man - One of Nic Cage’s good movies.

Hollow Man – Once in college, our criminal justice teacher had us watch Hollow Man in class.  It took up two classes.  We only had class twice a week.  We spent a week in a college class watching Kevin Bacon rape Rhona Mitra and grope the short-haired redheaded girl.  When it was over the teacher just said “So, what would you do if you were invisible?”

Snake Eyes – One of Nic Cage’s movies that’s so bad it’s good.

Sliders (New Episodes) – One of my favorite shows as a kid, but has aged terribly.  “New Episodes”?  How new?  I’m too afraid to find out, because I know it’s going to be Charlie O’Connell.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog - Hey, I used to watch this!  I was a Sega Genesis kid.

The Phantom – It’s been so long, but I’m willing to give Billy Zane another chance in what must be an awful movie.  Poor Zaney.

Dragon Tattoo Trilogy Extended – Like two hours of extra footage?  The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is so good that you don’t need to watch any additional footage.

The Punisher – Oh, I love Thomas Jane.  But watch The Mist.  This movie was not so good.  Okay, it’s worth ONE watch.

How I Met Your Mother – People that I respect like this show.  But I do not like this show.  I think this show is very plain.  I can’t take a laugh track seriously anymore.  That’s why I won’t watch this or The Big Bang Theory unless it’s like Saturday, 2 PM, there’s nothing on, and I can’t find the remote.  Then it’s fine.

Follow me @casetines

Spoiled Movies: Buried with Ryan Reynolds

February 14, 2012 § 1 Comment

In this series, I give you the full synopsis and spoil the endings of movies that maybe you are curious about but don’t want to watch.  If you don’t want to know how Buried ends, don’t fucking read it.  But it’s a movie that takes place entirely in a coffin, so it might not appeal to most people.

Here is Buried:

Ryan Reynolds wakes up in a coffin, one of our worst fears.  I say “our” because none of us want to be buried alive, burned alive, or drowned.  We want to die in our sleep, or have Scarlett Johansson slit your throat while she’s fully nude.

Reynolds finds a cell phone in the coffin and then he makes some phone calls.  We find out that he was working as a truck driver in Iraq when he was in a convoy and attacked by insurgents and then he woke up in the coffin.

Frankly, why would anybody go to Iraq if they weren’t a soldier?  What kind of an idiot does that?  Either go to Iraq because you want to fight for the country and be given guns and grenades or DON’T FUCKING GO TO IRAQ.  You might just get buried.

He calls 911, they can’t help him.

He calls the FBI, but loses a signal.

He calls his company, CRT, but if there was an emergency he was supposed to call a DIFFERENT number, so he’s fucked there too.

The people that kidnapped him call him and are like “You are soldier?”

“No, I’m not a soldier, I’m a truck driver!”

“What kind of man come to Iraq and not work as soldier?  Are you fucking idiot?”

“Yes. Yes, I’m a fucking idiot, but let me out, please. I’m not a soldier.”

“$5 million by 9 PM.”

“Dude.  I’m a fucking truck driver and I CHOSE to come to Iraq because I needed the money.  Are you kidding me?”

“Your embassy.”

“Fine.”

He finally gets the number he needs and finally is able to talk to people who believe him and know that he’s actually buried in a box in Iraq and that they’re working to find him.

Thirty minutes in the movie he talks to a dude that’s got the 411 on what he really needs to do.  First of all, turn your phone from vibrate to ring tone in order to conserve battery life, but that’s just a good tip whether you’re buried in a coffin in Iraq or not.

They also tell Ryan that they don’t negotiate with terrorists and too bad, so sad.   But they’re working to find him and get him out of the box.  (Finally, Brad Pitt will know what’s in the box.)

The terrorist calls again and is insulted that he’d be called a terrorist.  Ehh… yeah, you’re kind of a terrorist my dude.

Reynolds is like, “They’re not going to pay.”

Terrorist: “$1 million money.”  (Racist.)

Like many audience members, he starts to get bored and plays Words with Friends on his phone, waiting to be rescued.

He talks to the British guy that’s helping him again and gives him the number of the terrorist.  Oh yeah, the racist stereotype terrorist tells him that he wants him to make an anti-America movie in order to be released, but the British guy is like “No, don’t do that.  If you make a video, say you fucking love America and say God Save the Queen, too for me, okay?”

Are terrorists the only people that movies are allowed to be racist about?  I mean, I guess I was defending terrorists there.  But it’s also racist against Middle Eastern people.

So Ryan and the British guy talk about someone else that this happened to named Mark White and the British guy is like “We found him and we’ll find you too.  We already have a solid lead.”

The terrorist is named Jabir and is played by Jose Luis Garcia Perez.  Holy shit, that’s like 10 times more racist.  They basically hired the most Spanish-sounding name ever to voice an Iraqi terrorist because they clearly think that terrorists sound like Mexicans.  This reminds me of Cliff Curtis.

This is Cliff Curtis:

He’s an actor from New Zealand with a unique look.

This is Cliff Curtis in Training Day, as a Mexican gangster:

This is Cliff Curtis as a terrorist in Collateral Damage:

Here he’s a fucking caveman in 10,000 BC

God, what an awful fucking movie.  I’m happy that Cliff Curtis can be so diverse though and play any race, sex, religion, or age.  Cliff Curtis as Tina Turner in The Tina Turner Movie.  Cliff Curtis as a tree in Trees.

So, Ryan Reynolds made the video saying “Fuck America.”

Then a snake crawls up his pants because the movie was really starting to lag and now we got a snake to deal with.  If I had been buried alive in Iraq for an hour and then saw a snake, even as deadly as this one probably was, I’d probably be like “Are you fucking kidding me snake?  I’m pretty much in a “This can’t get any worse” situation, and I fucking mean that.  No amount of snakes can top the fact that I’m buried alive in Iraq.  Sorry to disappoint you.”

He throws some shit on the snake and then burns it and it crawls back out through the hole it came in.  No biggie.

Ryan Reynolds calls his mom in an old folks home to say “Goodbye” just in case.  It’s sweet, but Jesus, how old are you Reynolds?  How old were your parents when they had you?  I mean… it’s kinda weird.  His mom has Alzheimers and shit and his dad is dead.  Thats the type of shit people go through when they’re 50 usually.  Are you 50, Ryan Reynolds?

There was another person kidnapped, a woman that worked with Ryan, and he has been trying to keep the terrorists from killing her too.  They send him a video of her being shot in the head.

The British guy, his name is Dan, is like “Why’d you make that video you jerk!?” and Ryan is like “Fuck you man.  They killed my friend.”

And Dan is like, “Your anti-American video already has 47,000 hits on YouTube.”

So what Dan?  Do you know what I would do to get 47,000 hits?  Terrible things.  Awful, anti-American, anti-human, anti-kitty things in order to get 47,000 hits in less than an hour.  If anything, we’ve finally unlocked the key to getting a bunch of YouTube hits.

The top of the coffin breaks and sand starts pouring in, but there’s 26 minutes left.  I hardly think he’s in danger or that he’s about to get out.  Ryan Reynolds actually says, “I got sand coming in, I probably only got half an hour until it fills up.”

Less than that, buddy!

Now he’s talking to Alan Davenport, voiced by Stephen Tobolowsky who is better known as Needle Nosed Ned Ryerson in Groundhog Day.  Tobolowsky has 212 acting credits.

He tells Ryan Reynolds over the phone that he has been fired by CRT because he says that he was fucking that girl that was just murdered on video, and that goes against his contract that says you can’t fuck co-workers.  Basically, they’re trying to get out of paying off his life insurance to his family.

At this point, it’s the first time I actually care about him getting out of the coffin.  So that he can go kick Ned Ryerson in the throat.  I am now fantasizing about how awful I would be to the person that told me that I was fired while I was buried in a coffin, after seeing my girl get murdered, and then being told my family would get no life insurance if I died.

Mmmmm…. Revenge fantasies….

The top of the coffin is really letting in sand now and about to break.  At what point do you start to consider making a break for it?  Yeah, you probably won’t make it but I would probably think that it’s possible.  What if he found out he was buried in 6 inches of sand?

Ryan leaves a goodbye message on the phone for his family.  He leaves his clothes to his son.  Which would make sense since apparently Ryan Reynolds is 50, his son is probably 25 or so.

As the movie winds down, the Mexican guy playing a terrorist says, “Where is money?” and he tells Ryan he knows where his family is and he’ll kill them if he doesn’t make a video of “you show blood or I show blood” and send it.

Hey, I do similar things with chicks and cell phones when I’m wasted but I don’t ask them to show blood.

He cuts off his pinky finger and sends the video.

All of a sudden the top of the coffin opens up, light pours in, people are saying “Are you okay?  Talk to me, are you okay?!” and it seems he’s safe.

Haha, fake out.  Ryan Reynolds was just hallucinating.  Awesome.

But wait, he gets a call from British guy and he says “WE KNOW WHERE YOU ARE, WE’LL BE THERE IN THREE MINUTES!”

He gets a call from his wife Linda and says, “They’re coming for me, it’s going to be okay. And I love you.” and she’s like “Oh, I love you too baby!” and he’s like “I’ll talk to you soon.  Kisses.” and she’s like, “Come home to me.”

And then he talks to the British guy again, “We’re almost there!” as the coffin is nearly full of sand and then the British guy says, “Oh God.  Oh my God.  I’m so sorry Paul.  It’s Mark White.  It brought us to Mark White.”

They found the other dude that he said was alive but wasn’t really and Ryan Reynolds died.

The End.

Now wasn’t that better than watching it?

Follow me @casetines

Netflix Instant Review: The Take

January 30, 2012 § 2 Comments

The beauty of Netflix Instant is that sometimes it hits you with something unexpected.  Something new.  Something that you would have never watched if it wasn’t for the fact that you were browsing on Netflix Instant.

Sometimes Netflix will suggest these titles to you as a “Top 10″ but honestly I’ve found more success just doing the browsing on my own.  I don’t know what I was looking for on this particular night, if anything, but I came across a “New Episodes!” suggestion for something called The Take.

The cast of The Take

I had never heard of this, but I decided to take a closer gander and I saw that it starred Tom Fucking Hardy.  I’m in.

Now, I looooovvee me the ladies.  Not that I really feel a need to justify the fact that I am heterosexual, but not everyone is as comfortable about their sexuality.  (Welcome to KennethAuthor.com.  The only blog that somehow weaves ones sexuality into a Netflix Instant Review.  Tell a friend!  Straight or gay friends! No judgment!)

Anyways, I love me the ladies with a passion, but that doesn’t stop me from freely admitting that there are certain actors that I will watch a movie for because of their badassesness.

Kenneth.  Your word is “Badassesness.”

“Badassesness.”  Country of origin?

The U-fucking-S-fucking-A.

“Badassesness.”  Can you use it in a sentence?

John McClain gave the drop-kick to Hans Gruber because of his badassesness.

“Badassesness.”  B-A-D-A-S-S-E-S-S-I-N-E-S-S.  “Badassesness?”

No.  That’s incorrect.  What the hell Kenny?  You just made up the word and then wrote it six times and you still spelled it wrong.

I guess I just don’t have badassesness, sirs and ladies.

But Tom Fucking Hardy does.  And I found out when Netflix suggested another gem from across the pond: BRONSON.  (Check out Bronson as well, if you haven’t already.  It’s kind of got a Drive feeling to it with the music.  Not as good as Drive though.  But still pretty great.)

Tom Fucking Hardy first entered my consciousness when he entered other peoples unconsciousness with his breakout role in Inception as Eames, the Forger.

This was the breakout role for Tom Fucking Hardy in America, but it was hardly his first breakout role or his first American gig.  His debut was actually in Band of Brothers in 2001, followed by a small part in the “Holy-Shit-That-Movie-Had-A-L0t-Of-Famous-Actors” movie, Black Hawk Down.

For nearly a decade, Tom Fucking Hardy would show up with small roles in movies like Star Trek: Nemesis, Layer Cake, Marie Antoinette, and RocknRolla.  He had parts on BBC shows, and made a name for himself in London Theater, but it wasn’t until Christopher Nolan cast him in Inception that people finally were able to go “You know, that guy in Inception.”

For the most part, I believe this is still where Tom Fucking Hardy stands, but it’s becoming less and less the case.  After Inception, he co-starred in the UFC film Warrior and is now appearing on a billboard near you for the shitty-looking This Means War with Reese Witherspoon and Chris Pine.

I believe that his life will finally change for good once people see him as Bane in The Dark Knight Rises.  I predict from then on, Tom Fucking Hardy will be a leading actor for American cinema.  And good for him.  Once I saw Bronson, I had a suspicion that he was going places.

Now that I’ve seen The Take, I’m sure of it.

In Bronson, Hardy plays one of England’s most famous criminals, Charlie Bronson.  He’s a madman but he’s a charming lunatic.  He’s less charming in The Take, but he’s still quite mad and very charismatic.  When Hardy is on camera, it’s hard not to follow because you’re completely unsure of what he’s going to do next.

Hardy as Bronson

The Take starts out with Hardy’s character, Freddie, getting out of prison.  He goes to his Welcome Home party and the stage for this four-part mini-series is set.  His long-time girlfriend Jackie, his best friend and cousin Jimmy, and Jimmy’s girlfriend/Jackie’s sister Maggie, will make up the quartet that dominate the storyline of The Take.

Brian Cox is the only other recognizable name (for American audiences) in the cast, playing Ozzy the puppetmaster of sorts for this criminal organization.

That’s basically what The Take is about, organized crime.  But beneath it’s surface, it’s about so much more.  Freddie wants a Scarface-like rise to power, and he’s insane enough to believe that nobody, including the higher-up bosses, is safe from his path of destruction.  He’s unreasonable and his only logic is that it’s best to feed his natural instincts before asking whether or not he should.

His cousin Jimmy however, played by Shaun Evans, plays the absolute opposite of that, using reason and logic as a way around violence.  He’s a nice guy and that’s why Freddie really needs Jimmy more than the other way around, but it’s not something that Freddie would ever admit to.

Hardy and Evans

The four-part series covers at least 20 years of time in only about four hours of time, but it never feels rushed.  The way that The Take’s director David Drury and the show’s creators are able to do this is by making the viewer fill in the blanks.  At first, it’s kind of jarring to realize “Wait.  What the fuck?  How’d we get here?  What happened?”  But eventually you realize the genius of leaving a scene open-ended, and then getting a subtle answer in the next episode.

So much drama and mayhem happens during the mini-series that it’s really the only way to pull off covering 20+ years of these criminals lives that’s covered and it’s brilliant.

The show will make you say things like:

  • Holy shit!
  • Wow.
  • Oh my God.
  • Fuck.  That’s terrible.  (In a good way.)
  • Jesus!!
  • Wow, oh my God.  That’s fucking terrible.  Jesus fucking Christ.

There are surprises, thrills, sadness, tragedies, betrayals, and so much more packed into another epic British mini-series.  Somehow in America we can have brilliant shows like The Wire and LOST, but in the UK they pack nearly just as much into four hours.  It’s like comparing the British The Office to the American The Office.

I fucking love both versions almost equally, yet Ricky Gervais did it in about half-a-season’s worth of the American version.

I’m not going to sit here and compare The Take to The Wire, or something of that nature.  The Take is more like a really long movie than it is a really short show.  It’s just a really great, really long movie.  When I came upon it on Netflix, it was about 10 PM on a work night… I pushed through as long as I could before finally calling it quits at 1 AM.  That’s how hard it was to stop watching The Take.

Mostly because Tom Fucking Hardy is a scene-stealing motherfucker that’s going places.  I recommend checking out at least Bronson and The Take before you see him rip America to shreds with his performance as Bane.

His badassesness will make you a life-long Tom Fucking Hardy fan.

I give The Take 5 out of 5 punches to the face.

Follow me on Twitter @casetines

Netflix Instant Review: Ultimate Predator with Manny Puig

January 24, 2012 § Leave a comment

If you are familiar with Jackass or Wildboyz, then you’ll already be familiar with Manny Puig.  He’s the one guy that hangs out with that crew that actually seems to have his shit together, even if he’s a bit crazy.

Puig was brought into the Jackass crew after Jeff Tremaine (creator of Jackass) and some of the other guys saw Manny jumping on sharks and riding them and thought “What a perfect way for our guys to act like jackasses.”  So he was brought into the fold and has appeared in Jackass-related material ever since.

You won’t see him do any fecal matter jokes or homo-erotic foreplay though.  Manny Puig is just a badass animals expert that gets his kicks by coming face-to-face with the most dangerous animals in the world without any proper protection.  Whereas Steve Irwin was fearless in a way that almost made him seem like a 4-year-old (“Ooooh look at that snake. Let’s give him a kiss.”) Puig is probably less fearless and more likely just challenging himself to continue pushing the boundaries of nature.  He’s just a brave motherfucker.

Ultimate Predator (2006) is an exclusive look at just the exploits of Puig and his cameraman Mark Rackley and is available on Netflix Instant Watch.

It’s a quick watch at less than an hour, so it won’t take up any more time than watching To Catch a Predator but these predators don’t bring you wine coolers and condoms.  They are far less friendly.

You will get to see Manny:

  • Hand-feed sharks.
  • Ride Hammerhead sharks.
  • Challenge mother bears.
  • Hand-capture alligators.
  • Pick up rattlesnakes.
  • Levitate the alligators.

Manny’s seemingly biggest feat as an “Ultimate Predator” is the levitation of alligators.  Rather than using the traditional way to catch alligators (why there would be a traditional way to do something like catching alligators, I have no idea) Puig came up with a way to calmly get them out of the water.  It’s pretty simple: Just swim down to the bottom of a swamp, get face to face with an alligator, put your hand under his jaw (you know, the one with all the teeth) and grab him by the jugular like he’s been a bad alligator and it’s time to get punished.

Try this at home.

Puig doesn’t really harm any of the animals during the video, though I suspect he’s probably killed a thing or two in his life.  His goal is not to kill or eat the animals.  He does not want a physical trophy.  His only trophy is the experience of facing off against the world’s most dangerous predators and learning more about them for “scientific purposes.”

If you are like me, then you will be impressed by what you see in the video and you don’t have to be a Jackass fan (at all!) to enjoy it.  Also if you are like me, you spent 35 minutes this morning debating whether or not to put “Make-out with the T-Mobile girl” on your bucket list.  It’s not that I don’t want it to happen, but realistic goals, ya know?

The quality of the video is not the greatest.  The segments where they interview people from Jackass are not really needed, though they provide interesting insight.  The video is kind of scrapped together amateurishly.  But for under an hour and as part of Netflix Instant, it’s definitely worth a viewing.

You won’t see Manny get hurt very badly in the video, but it’s worth noting that in 2009 he lost a middle finger to a rattlesnake.  I guess he shouldn’t have tried this at home.

I give Ultimate Predator 5 out of 7 levitating alligators.  

 

 

Netflix Instant Review: Pawn Stars

January 19, 2012 § Leave a comment

If you aren’t watching Pawn Stars, I have to ask: “Who hurt you?”

There are three kinds of viewing options on Netflix, as far as I see it:

  • Entrees
  • Desserts
  • Snacks

An entree would be a movie or documentary.

A dessert would be like Arrested Development, or an easy-to-watch and enjoyable popcorn flick like Dale & Tucker vs. Evil!

And then there’s your snacks like Pawn Stars.

It’s just something where you can put on any episode, from any season, without any knowledge of the show or “characters” and still find it enjoyable.  You can just turn your brain off (like Chumlee) and see some cool shit while maybe learning some shit, if your brain is slightly on.

The premise of Pawn Stars is that there is a family that owns a pawn shop in Las Vegas and then sad, lonely, desperate people come into the store and sell their historical items for enough money to gamble for several minutes before losing it.

“Oh hey, I have this hat that Abraham Lincoln wore.”

“Okay, do you want to pawn it or sell it?”

(Pawning something means you have time to buy it back.  Selling it means that it now belongs to the pawn shop.  I don’t know why they even ask anymore, because no customer has pawned anything since the very beginning of the series.)

“I’d like to sell it.”

“Okay, what do you want for it?”

(Rick, the main manager of the pawn shop and main character of the show, always makes the seller start the bidding so that he can horribly crush him to dust afterwards.)

“I’d like to maybe get a thousand dollars for it.”  

(Please put all of my seller quotations in a white trash accent.)

**Rick laughs in the seller’s face**

“Uhh.. no.  I’ll give you fifty bucks for it.”

“But this really was worn by Lincoln.  It’s the only one of it’s kind.  It was given to my great-great-great-great grandfather by Lincoln’s wife.”

(I’ll never truly understand how some of this shit gets into the hands of some of these people.)

“I understand that.  But you have to understand that it’s going to sit in my shop for awhile, I have to find a buyer for it, it’s going to take up space in my shop…  ehhh… I’ll give you 75 but that’s as high as I can go.”

“Well, that’s a lot less than I was hoping t0 get.  But I promised Darcy she could play slots.  Okay, you got a deal.”

**Rick turns around and prices the hat for $25k**

When you watch Pawn Stars, here’s what you’ll get to see:

  • Cool American history.
  • Un-cool present day American economics.
  • Really smart experts on some of the most random shit.
  • Really terrible acting.
  • Awesome artifacts, Americana, and guns.
  • Lack of firing of guns on patrons.

This is a real pawn shop, but it’s not a real pawn shop.  What I would expect at a Las Vegas pawn shop is robberies, homeless people, 50 copies of Hocus Pocus on VHS for sale, hookers, people trying to find the “black market” so that they may sell loved ones to pay off gambling debts.

I suppose that’s all that Pawn Stars is really missing.

The storylines with Big Hoss, Chumlee, and Old Man are pretty useless, but for the most part the show is an awesome snack on Netflix, and a great way to kill 22 minutes.  I would probably start with season three and move my way back.  In the first episode they pawned a table saw….

Table saw lacked a dead body, so it’s safe to say that the show was far from a finished product in the beginning, but it’s getting better.  Check it out.

/still lacks dead bodies

 

 

 

Netflix Memories: Rugrats

January 12, 2012 § Leave a comment

I recently decided to dig into my past (never a good idea) and throw on one of my childhood favorites on Netflix Instant.

Rugrats is a show that I always remembered appealing to parents, even though it was about toddlers and was on Nickelodeon.  But when the movie came out, the adults were all like “Yeah, I’ll see that shit with you kid.  Rugrats is fucking funny.”

The original title of Rugrats was “Four Babies and a Bitch” I think, but then they changed it to Rugrats because kids are infectious little rodents that crawl around on the carpet and shit everywhere.  The Rugrats were always getting into trouble and they didn’t understand shit because they were babies, but they all had their own little personalities.

I think that’s what was appealing about the show, the fact that these little people (I’m calling babies little people, yet Midgets are offended by the term “Midgets” and would rather be called “little people”) were all unique and brought something different to the crew.

I had forgotten a lot of this until I started to re-watch the show on Netflix.  I’m glad that I put it on though, because it really is a good show (creators also behind Aaahhh! Real Monsters!!!) and it made me feel like a kid again.  But on that note, it also was sad because my childhood sucked!

But not this part of my childhood.  The part about Rugrats was pretty fucking rad.  This is what I remembered:

Tommy Pickles is like Jason Statham as a baby

You know that movie where Jason Statham plays a bad-ass?  You know, the one where he acts like he’s the coolest fucking guy in the world and nobody can fuck with him?  No, you know the one I am talking about.  It’s the one where Jason Statham is like the coolest person that has ever lived, that you can’t do shit to him, and that he’ll get out of any situation you put him in?  Yeah, that one…

That’s Tommy fucking Pickles.

Tommy was sometimes afraid, but always brave.  If a robot cat was approaching Tommy, he got nervous inside but then he’d just spray milk in the cats face and knock it down like “Fuck You Robo-Cat!” because TOMMY DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT!

He was the leader of the gang and for good reason, because Tommy will fuck you up son because that’s what Tommy does!

Chuckie: “I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghosts!” because “Ain’t Afraid of No” is a double-negative.  Chuckie’s scared of everything.

He was also the original hipster with his square purple glasses and wavy white person ‘fro.  He’d wear a shirt with Saturn on it and be like “Yeah, Saturn is the fucking best planet son!” because everyone else was all about Pluto.  But not Chuckie because he KNEW that Pluto wouldn’t even be a planet some day.

Before it was cool to be a hipster, he was a hipster, which makes him the ULTIMATE HIPSTER.

Sure, he was afraid of the dumps in his shorts, but that’s why he kicked it with Tommy.  He had to have a Tommy just like Tommy had to have Chuckie, otherwise his Statham-ness would be of no use.  Chuckie also provided the best laughs and kept everyone else entertained.

Later in life, Chuckie grew up, took steroids, got ripped, and became the world’s most famous prop comic.

Phil and Lil DeVille’s Parents Really Wanted Twin Girls

I felt most bad on the show for Phil DeVille.  Take off the bow from Lil and you’ve basically got Phil.  Though in that picture above, Lil has a classic upskirt, which signifies “Girl” as well.

Still, why are they making him wear a pink shirt?  You think blue shorts and blue shoes make up for him wearing the same shirt as his sister and having that single spike of hair?  Cut his hair!  What would Chuckie or Tommy look like if they had that little spot of hair on their heads?

Damn Tommy… you STILL a bad ass mother-sucker!

But it doesn’t work for Phil… at all.. stop fucking with your babies gender identities and give him a blue shirt for God’s sake.

Angelica – The Meanest Girl in the Whole Wide World

The whole point of having Angelica around was just so that Tommy knew how to handle cold-hearted manipulators later in life.

She didn’t give a shit about NOBODY but herself and used babies to get what she wants like she was the Octo-Mom or some shit.  Angelica, you are headed down a path to being a bitch and winding up on Dr. Phil as an abusive wife, which is probably just fine by you because it means you get more attention, you attention-whore.

Nobody liked Angelica and let that be a lesson to any 3-year-olds that read my blog.

Meanwhile, you can catch up on a whole shitload of episodes on Instant to re-unite  the Rugrats plus the parents, and I didn’t even get into Stu Pickles (aka, the original Phil on Modern Family.)

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