8 Things Horribly Wrong With The Bagel Bites Jingle

September 22, 2012 § 10 Comments

Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time.  When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza any time. 

We are all familiar with the jingle.  If you want a refresher course, here is the commercial.  It first starts with “Now you can give them pizza WHENEVER they want.” This is only about the song, so let’s just get this first part out of the way…

Parents have no interest in how they can give their kids pizza whenever they want.  It’s very low on their list of priorities.  Right below “How can I get them to run around the house yelling and screaming more?”

Let’s talk a little bit about what’s wrong with the jingle:

Pizza in the morning STOP

People are already eating pizza in the morning.

Pizza in the morning STOP

I have never actually had a bagel bite in the morning, as I can recall it, but I feel that I’d be about 10,000 times less likely to have a bagel bite in the morning than a slice of pizza.  I don’t usually wake up and say, “Hmmm… the roof of my mouth feels fine. How can I fuck that up?”

Pizza in the evening STOP

There was not a shortage of people having pizza in the evening.

Pizza in the evening STOP

Bagel bites are really a snack or maybe a lunch.  I’m not going to lie to you and act like I’m all high and mighty and haven’t eaten 10 bagel bites in the evening or in the middle of the night, but my honest opinion is that MOST people eat a bagel bite in the middle of the day.  Afternoon, noon, lunch time… it’s never mentioned.

Pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time STOP

Now, I have never lived in an area where “supper” was a term that anyone used, but as I understand it and as Wikipedia explains it, supper is an evening meal.  It seems to me that supper has ALWAYS been an evening meal.  Is this line not redundant?  That’s like saying, “Pizza is some pizza, eaty eaty pizza, did you know that pizza is pizza?”

Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time STOP

So when it comes down to it, we’ve named just two times that you can eat pizza when it is on a bagel.

When pizza’s on a bagel STOP

This is more of a pet peeve maybe, but can we please not compare this:


To fucking pizza?

Pizza is not on a bagel.  It looks more to me like four to seven tiny cubes of fake pepperoni, 10-20 tiny cubes of fake cheese and maybe a few cubes of fake sauce.  And then I have to ask myself what the hell constitutes something actually qualifying as a bagel.

When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza any time STOP

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

When I was a kid, this made some sense to me.  The size makes it portable, the way it’s kept makes it accesible at any time, as a child I’m saying to myself “Fool proof.”

As an adult, here is how the song should go instead:

Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time.  When you’re a fucking adult you can eat pizza any time.  

There is nothing about a bagel bite that actually makes it more okay to eat at any given time, and in fact, there are probably less times to eat pizza on a bagel than just regular pizza.  I’m also just dumbfounded and confused as to why the company is selling the idea to parents that they can now give their kids pizza any time.  When did parents start a national letter writing campaign to congress that there weren’t enough ways to give their kids pizza?

I’m not better than bagel bites.  I’ve had plenty of them in my lifetime.  But I think we’re all better than this completely confusing, terrible, non-sensical, and incredibly catchy jingle.

I’ll give the song that, it’s catchy.  I can listen to it at any time, both in the evening AND at supper time.



Terrible Lyrics? Boyz II Men – End of the Road

January 23, 2012 § 5 Comments

This week I will be performing in a karaoke competition with an iPad2 as the grand prize to the winner.  I want that damn iPad.

I would never purchase an iPad in my current financial state (ladies?) but win one of those portable time-wasters?  Hell yeah.  I’m not an Apple fanboy, but I recognize it’s superior product.  I don’t have an iPhone, but I do rock an iMac and a Macbook Pro.  I’m working my way up the fanboy ladder.

In preparation for winning this competition, I’ve chosen one of my favorite songs of all-time: End of the Road by none other than the Boyz that later grew up and became Men.  Also known as Boyz II Men and not to be confused with Boyz IV Men or Boys 2: Men.

Boyz II Men were a major part of my high school experience, and I was not ashamed to rock out to their ballads, dreaming that one day I too would grow up and become a man and sing these songs to women.  I’m still waiting for that day, but I picture it happening some time before Marty McFly saves his older self and retrieves the Sports Almanac.

I had to re-visit the song though and make sure that I had it down perfectly.  I could recite the whole song with ease, except for Michael’s spoken word plea to his ex.  This is a critical part of winning the karaoke competition, as it both A.) Stops me from singing and B.) Makes the girls go “woo!”

Seriously, it’s tactics like this that will have to win me that iPad.

I’ve been singing the song over and over again on my way to and from work.  Watching it on YouTube and reading the lyrics over and over again, just to get a perfect grasp on it so that my clean perfection of the words masks my complete inability to come close to Wanye’s “AND BABY JUST DON’T LET ME GOOOOOO!!!!”

In doing this however, I’ve come to the realization that this song is sad.  Not sad in the way that “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday” is but sad in the way that an R. Kelly song is sad.

Dude, the Boyz II Men were with a girl, they were dedicated to a girl, they loved a girl, and then the girl cheated on them.  According to Michael, this wasn’t just a one time deal.  She had a straight up affair and “all those times… ran out with that other fella.”

Guys… this chick sucks.  You need to realize that it’s good to be at the End of the Road with this one.  You’re the Boyz II Men, you don’t need this in your life.

I won’t go over the whole song, but here are some key parts:

We belong together
And you know that I am right
Why do you play with my heart?
Why do you play with my mind?

Interpretation: This starts out as a heartful, “Hey, love you! Kisses!” and turns into “Stop fucking with me!” very quickly.

Boyz, if you know that she’s playing mind games with you, then maybe you should move onto the next one.

Said we’d be forever
Said it’d never die
How could you love me and leave me and never
Say goodbye?

Interpretation: She’s a liar!  This girl sounds TERRIBLE!

Girl, each time I try I just break down and cry
Pain in my head
Oh, I’d rather be dead
Spinning around and around

Interpretation:  Yeesh.  We just found out that the Boyz are suicidal!  It seems like they want to get to the very end of the road.  And all over a chick that so far we have found out is manipulative and a liar that just ups and leaves without even saying goodbye.

Girl, I know you really love me
You just don’t realize
You’ve never been there before
It’s only
Your first time

Interpretation: You’re starting to creep me out Nathan, Michael, Shawn, and Wanye.  It seems pretty clear that this chick does not love you, yet you keep telling her that she does and she’s just confused.  That’s some restraining order shit.

Also, you were messing with a girl that had never been in a relationship before and her actions surprise you?  Have you guys ever been in a relationship before?  You’re old enough and famous enough and talented enough to not worry about girls that have never been there before.

Maybe I’ll forgive you
Maybe you’ll try 

Interpretation:  Now it’s a maybe?  I thought this whole song was you forgiving her and that she just needs to come back to you.  Don’t start wavering now.  Either commit or back off (as you clearly should.)

Will you love me again
Like you loved me before
This time I want you to love me much more
This time instead
Just come to my bed
And baby just don’t let me go

Interpretation: Love me.  Love me more than you did before.  Just come to my bed and don’t let me go.

So, if I’m reading that right, she loved you a lot less than a girl that would only come to your bed?  Boyz, did you even really date this girl?  It sounds like you’re just stalkers to be honest.

Michael, speak it!

All those times at night
When you just hurt me
And just ran out with that other fella
Baby I knew about it
I just didn’t care
You just don’t understand how much I love
Do you?
I’m here for you

Interpretation: You’re here for her?!  YOU.  ARE HERE.  FOR HER?!!!  Mikey, please understand that she was the one cheating on you.  And you just told her that you knew about it and did not care.  What do you think she’s going to do in regards to cheating during the second go-around?

I don’t like your stance on infidelity.

I’m not about to go out on cheat you
Just like you did
But baby that’s alright
I love you anyway

Interpretation: IT’S NOT ALRIGHT!  Forgiving a person is one thing.  Telling them that they did nothing wrong and let’s do this again and you keep runnin’ out with that other fella is not!

Yes baby, my heart is lonely

Interpretation: No shit you’re lonely.

Although we’ve come
To the end of the road
Still I can’t let go
It’s unnatural
You belong to me
I belong to you

Interpretation: Out of context, the chorus is great.  In context, what the fuck?

This girl sucks.  Stop writing songs for her.  Stop saying that it’s cool to her to run out with a bunch of other fellas.  I honestly don’t know if this chick ever cared for you.  You deserve better BIIM.

That ends my mini rant on End of the Road, and I will still be singing this song this week because it makes the girls swoon and the guys question their orientation because of the hotness I bring on stage.

iPadIIMen, here I come.


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