did i blackout and change my okcupid profile?

December 12, 2012 § 5 Comments

Yes.  Or at least I think so.  That or some weird genius has hacked my OkCupid and made my profile 100x better.  Let’s start from the beginning…

I was not much of a drinker as a teenager.  I wouldn’t say it’s because I was a “good” kid but I wasn’t really a bad kid either.  Sure, I wound up in the principal’s office about once a week, but for a person that thrives off of making people laugh with witty interruptions, Sex Ed class is basically entrapment.  Other than that, my weekends basically consisted of trips to Hollywood Video with friends, popcorn and snacks, me eating most of the snacks, very tame stuff really.

This was not always the case though and at one particular party I had shown up late and decided to “catch up” with a bottle of whiskey.  (I can’t pinpoint the exact age I was when this occurred, but I believe it would have actually been around 18 or 19, after graduation.  I don’t know why I am adding this tidbit, except that my mom will probably read this and she worries.  Even about things that happened years ago.  She probably believes that I will still get an MIP ticket in the mail for even writing it now, ten years later.  #Moms.)  Moral of the story: Don’t play catch up with a bottle of Black Label whiskey if you aren’t a qualified drinker, or ever really.

Next and last thing I know, I’m running around the backyard with my shirt off and spinning it around over my head like I’m Petey Pablo.  I raise up the following day, sitting in a lawn chair the next day, a total mess, and I’m hungover but fine.  Until the psychological mind-fuck of being told that I did things that I do not remember doing.  “What is this concept of ‘blacking out’?  You mean that alcohol erases memories???”  It’s a pretty scary situation to think that you can do things and not remember, but I honestly had no idea that I had fallen down that chasm of having too much to drink.  It scared me to the point of never wanting to drink again.

And then I went to a school notorious for over-consumption of alcohol and blacking out became activity du jour.  I don’t want to sound like an alcoholic that anybody should be concerned about, I gave up drinking for 3 years without even having a necessary intention to do so but only because I was in a relationship with someone that rarely drank.  It was not hard.  What is hard is ‘H.A.M.’ and that’s how I drink.  I’m not ashamed of this and I won’t sugarcoat it.

Flash-forward to this week when I check in on my OkCupid profile and realize that everything has been changed.  I have a vague recollection of going onto the site a few weeks ago and perhaps thinking that I would “mix it up” but that is all I remember.  The words that I read though were not ones that I recognized.  I don’t remember writing any of this, really, but holy shit do I love it.  Either some very funny person has written over my profile and hacked into my account (for what purpose, I could not even fathom) or when I black out I become some weird genius.

Let me begin by saying that I no longer associate OkCupid with finding a girlfriend.  The site is a joke if you are looking for an honest relationship.  It is a free site aimed at under-30s (of which I am dangerously close to not qualifying for anymore anyway) and as I’ve written here before, it is mostly for people looking to sex one another.  Not being the most attractive guy, needless to say that my success rate wasn’t that high and therefore I run ramshod on my answers.  There is no need to be genuine on that site about who you are, what your desires are, and what you’re looking for in a girl or guy.  In recent months I’ve changed it from normal into one that I purposefully designed to be “the worst profile on OkCupid” (a la ‘I love pooping my pants, etc’) to a site that said “I want to meet girls that absolutely hate my fucking guts only” and the like.  Guess which two of those three profile themes were the most successful?

The site is a joke.

Thankfully my profile is the best joke I’ve ever read and if I really wrote this when I was drunk, I should only be writing when I’m drunk.  Be forewarned that weird, nonsensical, anti-humor is my favorite kind of humor right now.  Maybe you do not find it funny.

But I think I’m drunk-fucking-hilarious and if I really did this, I can’t believe how clever and coherent most of the writing is.  I really think I must have been hacked by Odd Future or something.

1

I do not know who Jerry Osguando is, but he actually seems pretty insightful.  A modern day Yogi Berra.

2

A couple of typos help support my blackout theory, as does any Pauly Shore reference, but were the typos intentional?

3

Let’s just get this out of the way: That last line is better than anything I’ve ever written sober.  Which makes me question if I did write it.

4

Not the best but weird as shit.

Some of the following though is amazing:

5

Tonto: More like Pronto is definitely my style.  I’m actually working on Sky Scrapers 6.  We Make It Hot: Best Hot Mixes is in my CD player.

6

Two suspicions here: I absolutely love this song by Brian McKnight.  Not kidding.  2. ‘Buck’ is actually a term my friends use for drinking.  “Getting buck” aka “Get buck wild.”  Did my friends screw with me?  Not likely, they don’t know that Brian McKnight song.  I possibly used the term buck here and I could understand why.  My case for me writing this is getting very strong.

7

Again, the thing about NASA going on a team building trip and trampolines is also better than anything I’ve ever written.  That’s next-level weird shit.

8

That thing about babies is just weird, but also kind of sweet because it implies perhaps that I am a cancer doctor for babies.  Then I continue to talk about doctors here, this time a dumb doctor that believed my theory on the world, but then improperly use the word “hear” instead of “here.”

And here is the grand finale:

9

No, I don’t REALLY want someone that is into beastiality.  But that joke is fucking great.

I am going to go ahead and take credit for this profile unless someone dares to stop me and say that they did it instead.  If you did, great, please step forward because I’d like to meet you.  Most of these jokes are right up my alley though, I just didn’t know what I was capable of until I turned into a blacked out monster.  As far as getting any responses from it?

No.  But if any girl found this to be as hilarious as I do, I need to put a ring on her dazzlefinger.

Twitter Account of the #FF: @egg_dog

August 31, 2012 § 2 Comments

So like I’ve been saying lately, I haven’t had much time as of late to write here.  I currently have 14 stories that I need to do between today and next Saturday, each of which will take at least an hour, and that’s just for one website.  In total, I will have to write about 20 stories in the next week or so.  TWENTY!  At least!

However, it’s Friday and that means I can do a quick Pound-Pound for a Twitter account and today’s “winner” (in quotes because you’ve won nothing, sorry dude) is @egg_dog.

What is egg dog?  Nobody knows.  It is a dog that tweets about the most random, unexplainable, life observations on a daily basis.  Best part of all is that even though it’s a dog that can write, he can’t write very well.  Just enough to be understood.  Here are some of Egg Dog’s top tweets:

@egg_dog: facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

(That tweet received 562 favorites and 922 re-tweets.  Holey sht!)

@egg_dog: those bread ends u hate? theyre bread parenthesis w/out them thered b bread everywhere no way to stop it wed b fucked trapped in bread hell

(geniuse)

@egg_dog: adjectives #WordsThatDescribeMe

(simpel and affective)

I think that’s enough to convince anyone that’s on twitter to follow the egg dog.  The best part about it is that usually I’ll write a bit about the person that’s tweeting but I don’t know a damn thing about this doggy.  That makes my job really easy.  Go follow.  Unless you’re not on twitter, then you’ve already won.

 

 

Twitter Account of the #FF: @UNTRESOR aka Brandon Guttermouth

July 13, 2012 § 1 Comment

It has been awhile since I have done one of these.  Frankly, I don’t really #FF much and maybe that’s why I never get the Follow Friday love in return because there is nothing to return.  However, I will always throw out a #FF every now and then when I think a Twitter account simply needs to be seen by more people.

Enter @UNTRESOR.  Seriously, I think he wants you to enter him.  If it’s even a him at all, I can’t be 100% sure on that.

In my older versions of this series I had highlighted some well-known people that were surprisingly hilarious such as Brandon McCarthy and Ken Jennings.  These were a couple of folks that you would never assume were funny (a baseball player and a Jeopardy contestant.  There is a famous Jeopardy contestant!!!) but they managed to string words together to make these things called “Jokes” and then in return of reading these jokes you end up laughing, or “Ha Ha-ing”.  It’s quite a fun activity.

Brandon Guttermouth is also good at this except I have no damn idea who he/she/it is.  I honestly don’t know if a bunch of people do and I’m just not in the loop, but a http://www.Google.com internet search for “Who is Brandon Guttermouth” only returned results of his http://www.Twitter.com haikus.

His picture doesn’t give it away either:

Oprah?

Anyways, who doesn’t like a little mystery?  We’ve all used public bathrooms, am I correct?  The heart of the matter is the funny tweets.  I have given a #FF to @UNTRESOR a couple of times before but maybe that’s not enough to convince you.  Instead, here are some of “its” best tweets in existence.  Enjoy!

UNTRESOR
just drank an entire bottle of soy sauce and now my farts can solve sudoku puzzles.
if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for sexual favor.
If you urinate in a pair of swim goggles and strap them to your face you won’t need Instagram anymore.
Is it ok to say “OWNED!” to black people?
.@RedLobster My colostomy bag explodes after only like five or six of your cheesy biscuits. I think you’re using too much yeast.
so seal’s face and forest whitaker’s eye walk into a bar and that’s it. that’s the joke.
Wow, that’s some gold right there folks.  And literally he does this successfully several times per day!  I loved the Instagram one so much that I actually EMAILED it to some friends and REGULAR MAILED one to my grandmother handwritten and sent through the US Postal Service!
I don’t know what an UNTRESOR even is, but just go follow it!  You won’t be disappointed! (Until that one day when everything disappoints you and you leave Twitter and partly blame him, me, and everyone else for not loving you enough which I totally get by the way.)

My Vision Board

May 9, 2012 § 3 Comments

Remember when The Secret was a thing?

I remember watching the video with a friend about five years ago and basically the only thing I took away from it was that if you can envision it, it will come true.  That the powers of the universe are greater than we know, just as long as we believe.

After two days of really envisioning the things that I wanted, I gave up.  Hey, this is 2012 and I am an American with ADHD so if you can’t deliver in 48 hours than screw off.

Either way, I have decided to make a “Vision Board” or a “Dream Board” because I am bored.  (Get it?)  These are the things that I want!

KEY

1. Allison Williams.  Star of Girls on HBO and daughter of NBC anchor Brian Williams, she is my current Wendy Peffercorn.  Maybe you think that Girls is a show for chicks, but then why did they have Allison rubbing one out in a bathroom two weeks ago?  WHY I ASK YOU, WHY?  That was for me.  ;)

2. It’s Scrooge McDuck diving into a pile of gold so I’m sure you can figure that one out.  You know how some people call money, “Duckets”?  I wonder if that’s where it comes from.

3. Vacation.  This plane is  headed to an island in the Philippines.  Yeah, I could go for that.

4. Finish a screenplay, become a full time writer.

5. Seahawks. Championship.  That is all.

6. To live every day of my life like Ron Swanson.

7. A baby tiger.  Seriously, look at that little cutie!  I’ve been watching a lot of Fatal Attractions on Animal Planet.  It’s a show about people that have dangerous pets, including lions and tigers and then those animals kill their owners because wild animals will always be wild.  But if you put that little guy in my lap, I’d probably be willing to have my jugular ripped out too.

8. Meet my hero, Pete Carroll.

9. Respect.  LOL! YEAH RIGHT!  I’m making vision boards with Allison Williams and baby tigers.

10. This is the carne adobada from Gloria’s mexican restaurant in Culver City.  It’s actually right by my place so this is an easy to accomplish goal.  Seriously though, this is the best food I’ve ever eaten.  If you’re ever in LA, GO THERE!  It was on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives and actually made Guy Fieri tolerable for 8 minutes.

11. Twitter followers.  Okay, this probably sounds lame, but hear me out.  Wanting a lot of friends on facebook = lame.  But people actually get jobs if they do well on Twitter.  It has to do with #9, Respect.  @MeganAmram got really amazing writing jobs because of her TWITTER!  This is unfortunately the world we live in… @kennetharthurs

12. Yoga Pants because Yoga Pants.  Shit I love this current popular style.

Also, here is Allison Williams in Yoga Pants:

I’ll have what she’s having.  (That doesn’t really apply here.)

Check, please! (Also, doesn’t apply.  But they sound funny, right?!)

Helllllloooo, Dolly! (Closer.)

She will be mine.  Oh yes, she will be mine. (There ya go.)

Finally, I did this while I was bored.  It is stupid.

Sorry.

bye-bye.

 

Social Media Awareness: What I’ve Learned After a Year on Twitter

March 5, 2012 § 7 Comments

“How does Twitter work?  Who is it for?  I tried it and I don’t get it.”

This was a question that my mom asked me in December.  Not entirely surprising that our parents generation wouldn’t completely understand a “new technology” but at the same time, it didn’t take our parents long to become more obsessed with Facebook than I ever was.  It seemed like our parents were dominating that website much more than young adults were by the time it had become the most popular website in the world and maybe that’s why many people were wondering if Twitter was an escape from that.

However, not understanding Twitter isn’t a generational thing.  My friends have asked me the exact same question and even I was unsure of how Twitter worked until about a year ago.

The most popular trend I see with people signing up for Twitter: They sign up, they don’t understand it, they’re not going back to Twitter ever again within a week.  Because they don’t have any Followers, they don’t have a need to tweet, so does that mean that Twitter isn’t useful to them?  Well, no, because Twitter isn’t actually about YOU.  I know, that’s a really difficult concept to grasp in this era of social media.

Facebook is about sharing YOUR life and also keeping in touch with others.  But it’s still mostly about you.  And that selfishness is what allows us to keep in touch with everyone we know from around the world.  So people go to Twitter and they believe that because it’s called “Social Media” then it must be about sharing, right?

Yes, it is about sharing but it’s not necessarily about sharing about yourself.  That’s the hard part to grasp.  That’s the reason that Twitter probably has millions of wasted accounts because people showed up to the party and didn’t understand the game so they went back to where they feel comfortable: Facebook and RedTube.

I had to go back to my “wasted account” when I finally found my own use for Twitter and then I finally started to understand it.  It doesn’t take long to get a grasp on the why’s and how’s of Twitter but you do have to give it an honest shot before you’ll understand what Twitter is really for.  This is some of what I’ve learned in the last year:

Twitter IS NOT Facebook.  Nobody On Twitter Cares About What You’re Doing.

With that being said, I still find it hard to believe that anyone on Facebook gives a shit about what you had for lunch or that you’re buying shoes for your kitten, but I’ll stay on topic here.  If there is a place for that, it’s Facebook.  Twitter is not for sharing your life.

But those damn celebrities have given you the wrong impression because Ashton Kutcher might say mundane shit and so you think “Oh cool, this is where I can say mundane shit!”  Except that the idea behind Twitter is about giving people 140 characters of something useful.  It’s hard to justify what you’re doing as being useful information to anyone in the world except you.

Comedian @JoeMande, TwitterFamous for ragging on celebrities on Twitter, probably said it best when he said: “I don’t know why anyone would use Twitter if you’re not a comedy writer or a journalist. I don’t know why anyone else would want to read the thoughts of anyone who wasn’t funny or had useful information to share.”

The only things you can really make useful in 140 characters is news and a laugh.  I write for five different websites, so I am trying to share my writing with the world and I also try to make you laugh.  Whether or not you do, that’s up to you, but even if you’re not funny at least if you’re tweeting a joke then at least you’re trying to give me something useful in 140 characters.

What am I going to do with the information that it turns out your baby doesn’t like apple sauce?

The most difficult concept of Twitter that people can’t get a grasp on and why we all say “What the fuck is it?!?!” before we use it, is that Twitter is actually something that most people should use as a news source and not as a place to actually tweet anything.  The awesome part is that you can follow your favorite journalists and comedians and feel like you’re connected to them because you can actually ask them direct questions and they might actually respond.  But Twitter isn’t necessarily about you.  That’s Facebook.  Do that on Facebook.

Trends Are Usually the Bane of American Existence

Ugh.  Twitter trends.  At first, this seems like your ticket to a million followers!  What’s trending?  Okay, let’s go with that!  Understanding trends is another key step in understanding Twitter and here’s the thing about trends: Most of us are fucking idiots :(

The only use of a trend is that when news breaks, you might find out something important.  After all, when a celebrity dies or something major happens, it’s very likely that millions of us are now finding that information on Twitter.  The reason that it’s so important is that we now have up-to-the-second news.  When something happens, the power of social media is able to spread it to all of us in a matter of moments.  Imagine taking Paul Revere and shrinking him down to the size of an atom and then multiplying him by 10 billion and sending him at light speeds through millions of tubes that reach every nook and cranny of America… that’s how news breaks now.

Those are the tiny moments of trends that are useful.  Then there’s the majority of trends that just make me sad about how un-funny, un-original, dramatic, and crazy most of America is.  Just as an example, I’m going to look at what’s trending right now:

Well there’s Stevie Johnson and Arian Foster, which I get because they signed new contracts today in the NFL.  This is important NFL news and that’s how I found out about these signings.

We also have #SongsThatWillAlwaysBump, #SometimesYouHaveTo, #middlefingerup

I don’t think that “sigh” is a strong enough word anymore.

The funny thing is that two of the top three tweets are #middlefingerup to cancer.  Which is like, “Yeah! Fuck cancer!”  I get that.  It’s awesome that if you have a good cause, Twitter is also a way to spread the cause amazingly quick and to millions of people.

The third top tweet is “#middlefingerup to Monday.” by Will Ferrel Parody.  First of all, that’s not even funny.  It’s not even a joke.  It’s so god damn unoriginal and basic.  This was the best #middlefingerup joke out of all of them?  Second of all, this is what people found to be as important as #middlefingerup to cancer and now you’ve got millions of people saying really useless #middlefingerup tweets like “to the people who are way too jealous of me”, “to the bitch that turned that good guy into a dog!”, “to all u fake people”, and “to the people who are sexy and they know it.”

Those are just the first four in the list.  It’s all just so stupid.  So useless.  Not only do trends suck, but people like Will Ferrel Parody who just use it to be trending make me sick.  And that account has 1 million followers.  A million.  To the point where a Will Ferrel Parody account is actually incredibly powerful because he can reach a million people in a second and when you can reach that many people that quickly, you’re basically more powerful than NBC because they haven’t reached a million people at once since Must See TV.

I fucking hate trends more now than I did in high school.

I Never Thought I’d Hate a SexBot

Slowly and surely, greed will destroy the human race.  It’s just that right now, it’s destroying many parts of the internet.  Spam and junk mail destroyed Hotmail as an e-mail service.  Just before MySpace was going to be completely useless and overtaken by Facebook anyway, it became an absolute joke when accounts were easily hacked and every post on your wall was about a $25 itunes gift card.

I don’t know if it’s genius or terrifying, but those same greedy bastards that sent out millions of spam e-mails and took down MySpace are also the same people that doubled your followers.  So it’s almost bittersweet, though in our hearts we know that many of them are fake.  Eventually, the SexBots are removed but at first it can be a little disheartening to think “Oh hey, new follower!” and then see that it’s just a link to cam4sex or something.  You just have to ignore the followers number and just keep doing your thing.

The Best Way to Become Popular is to Just Already Be Popular.  But Keep Working at it.  You’ll Get There.

Like I said before, I started getting back into writing a year ago.  In a year I’ve moved from a few articles a week on one website with a couple thousand hits a day, to five websites and 25 articles a week with an audience of over 10,000 people at any given time.  Those are rough numbers, but I know that I have a reach unlike anything I had in the beginning.

I have that reach and yet I still only eclipsed 300 followers last month.  If you are a hot girl and you join Twitter today, you’ll have more than 300 followers by the time you’re done reading this sentence.

I’m not bitter about it though.  I have been working very hard for this last year and I am still in disbelief sometimes that there are people that actually read what I have to say and think I don’t suck.  I’m very grateful for that.  And it’s crazy to me that people actually pay me to write.  That’s insane.  And hopefully if I keep working hard at it, I’ll be able to call writing my full-time job.  However, it’s still important (and I hate to say this) to have a lot of followers on Twitter, because this is the world we live in now.  Your reach matters.

Back when MySpace first grew in popularity, it was all about how many friends you had.  That was the most important thing to people.  How many friends do I have and why does that person have more friends than me I hate myself!!!  I believe the rumor is that Tila Tequila, the first Social Media celebrity, moved from Friendster to MySpace because Friendster had a 500 friend limit.  Well, that simply would not do for her, so she went to MySpace and all of a sudden it exploded.

Then we all went to Facebook and people were still really concerned how many friends they had, including myself.  It was honestly important to me and I would have accepted all friend requests and added people just because I knew they would accept because, “Hey, one more friend!”  But as we get older, we realize, “God damn, that’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard of.”

It doesn’t fucking matter how many Facebook friends you have.  When I realized how stupid that was, I unfriended… and unfriended… and unfriended.. until I had almost unfriended half of my “friends.”  It’s not because I’m a jerk, it’s because these people weren’t even close to being my actual friend.  I have like six real life friends.  Hey, my acquaintances might be cool ass people, but we have never actually call each other to hang out.  Why do I give a shit about what’s going on in your life?  Vice versa, why the hell should you care about what’s going on in mine?

Sorry, we’re not friends.  Actually, I’m not sorry and neither should you be.  We’re just not on friends and the “number” of friends I have couldn’t be less meaningful to me.

However, the number of “Followers” you have can be the most important thing depending on how you’re using Twitter.  I mean, very literally there are people on Twitter that made there dreams come true because of Twitter.  People like Megan Amram, who became a Twitter comedian celebrity and then was offered writing jobs that I pray to one day have.  If you’re already a celebrity, then you’re set, but to build from nothing into something takes a lot of work, luck, and doesn’t happen over night.

It’s all about re-tweets and favorites and only putting out quality material.  I’m trying my best and come a long way in a year thanks to what I’ve learned and how I apply that.  I’m not telling you how to use Twitter or trying to discourage you from tweeting, but hopefully what I’ve learned in a year is useful knowledge if you’re still wondering the same questions that my mom wonders.  “What is Twitter?”

It’s a lot of things.  But this has been an explanation of what it is to me.

 

 

 

Twitter Account of the #FF: @KirkFox aka Kirk Fox

February 24, 2012 § Leave a comment

If you think it’s easy to make it as a comedian, notice some of the people that have auditioned for Last Comic Standing.

This includes Kirk Fox in 2010, after he had already appeared in Reno 911!, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and Comedy Central Presents: KIRK FOX!  Despite having already given his own slot on Comedy Central, Fox still auditioned for Last Comic Standing, despite the fact that he seemed like a comic that was standing perfectly fine in his own right.

Now, I can’t say for sure if NBC throws in some ringers just to get more publicity for the audition rounds of the show, but it definitely seemed odd for me to see Fox audition, not to mention the fact that he didn’t get past the semi-finals.  This was also the same year that he appeared as Joe from Sewage on Parks and Rec, but apparently was not a funnier comedian than the 10 people that did advance.

I don’t want to say shitty things about the people that advanced to the finals of LCS, because most of them worked hard to get there and are still trying to break into the business, but the only people that I had ever heard of and have still have ever heard of: Fox, Nikki Glaser, Rob Delaney, and Guy Torry… did not get past the semi-finals.

I believe this was the same year that low-ratings caused NBC to have a 5-person finale just to end it already with Felipe “No Wikipedia Page” Esparza as the winner.  Can you imagine how people would look back at the last season of Last Comic Standing if they knew that it was Glazer v Delaney v Fox?  Can you imagine that it wouldn’t even be the final season of Last Comic Standing, if those were the finalists?  (Even though they had their best run of judges ever that year: Andy Kindler, Natasha Leggero, and Greg Geraldo  Hosted by Craig Robinson.)

Luckily, thanks to Twitter we still get these comedians on a daily basis without NBC editing.

@KirkFox gives us gems like this one:

And if you’ve been following his career as much as I have, you can basically hear him saying the joke in his own unique, without-a-care delivery.

According to Imdb, Fox has been in the business for almost 20 years, first appearing as “Enforcer” in the classic Tia Carrerre/C. Thomas Howell vehicle, Treacherous.  He then followed that up with a part in a much lesser-known film, Wyatt Earp, as “Pete Spence” and then as “Corporal” in one of my favorite Pauly Shore movies, In The Army Now.

It’s a long and treacherous road for anybody trying to make it in Hollywood or as a comedian, but the 2010′s might be the decade of the Fox.  In the meantime, you can get on the Kirk Fox bandwagon early by following him on Twitter and now I’m going to go home and find my VHS copy of In The Army Now and also a VHS player.

@RobDelaney, @NikkiGlaser, @NatashaLeggero, @AndyKindler are also ones that you may or may not be following and are late to the party in doing so.

I am @casetines and I won season 10 of Last Comic Standing in 2015.

 

 

 

A Brief History of Seattle Sports, as Told by the Digital Age

February 3, 2012 § Leave a comment

1959: Restaurant owner David Cohn, starts the movement.

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Seattle is open for business

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December 20, 1967: Majority owners Sam Schulman and Eugene Klein are awarded Seattle’s first major sports franchise.

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1969: Seattle Pilots Become City’s First Baseball Team!

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September 12, 1976: Seahawks first game

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April 6, 1977: Mariners First Game

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1979: Sonics Win City’s Only Professional Championship

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1995: Edgar Saves Baseball

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February 2, 1996: Ken Behring tries to move to the Seahawks.

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July 15, 1999: First game in Safeco

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March 26, 2000: Goodbye Kingdome

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2002: First Season in Seahawks Stadium

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2005: The Seahawks Go To the Super Bowl!

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2006: The Sonics are sold to Oklahoma City businessman Clay Bennett.

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June 2011: The Seahawks Home Stadium Suffers an Identity Crisis

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Technology as it relates to the Seattle professional sports franchises as of today:

The Seattle Supersonics:

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The Seattle Mariners

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Twitter Account of the #FF: @BMcCarthy32

January 6, 2012 § Leave a comment

Last week, the Twitter Account of the FF was unlikely funny-man @KenJennings.  What business does this Jeopardy contestant have putting out the best tweets on a constant basis?

The same goes for athletes.  I first got onto Twitter just to follow athletes and get news.  So I went around and followed a bunch of them.  A bunch of baseball players and football players so that I could finally find out what’s going on behind the scenes for these superstars and heroes.  As it turns out, there’s not much going on.

Athletes are typically some of the worst follows on Twitter, giving you more information on their favorite potato chips or “what women be doing” instead of insight into a game or season.  If I want news, follow Adam Schefter or Buster Olney.  He’ll tweet the only information you need, as well as other journalists.  Follow them, and leave the athletes out of it.

@JoeMande, famous for making fun of moronic celebrities on Twitter, said that the only people that should really tweet are journalists and comedians.  They can provide something of value in 140 characters, or links to things of value.  If you want to share with your friends or the world “OMG THIS BURRITO IS SO GOOD!” then do it on Facebook.  Nobody on Twitter gives a shit.

So athletes, typically, are not worth following unless you are just obsessive with keeping up in their day-to-day lives like a pseudo-paparazzo.  Brandon McCarthy is one of the rare exceptions, using it as his platform for comedy rather than “ugh I HATE plane rides!”

This is a picture of Brandon McCarthy, pitcher for the Oakland A’s:

Normal looking dude, just exactly what you would expect for an athletes Twitter account, or something equally unoriginal or uncreative.

Here’s Brandon McCarthy’s Twitter picture:

The genius of this photo is that it shows that McCarthy is self-aware about how he was perceived going into the 2011 season, and he wasn’t afraid to make fun of it.  The A’s had a strong staff that included four young pitchers with different levels of ace potential.

Oh, and they also had Brandon McCarthy.  He didn’t pitch in the majors in 2010 and he had never posted an ERA under 4.00 over parts of five major league seasons.  He was the forgotten man in the rotation, but he wasn’t afraid to scribble himself in there and say “HI YOU GUYS!”

McCarthy doesn’t disappoint with his tweets, even though he set the standard so high right off of the bat with that picture/drawing.  On Thanksgiving Day, during Nickelback’s halftime show, he gave this perfect observation:

Simple and to the point.  During a time when thousands of people were trying to make fun of Nickelback at the same time, McCarthy buried them all.

But will an athlete, a public figure like McCarthy, that not only has to represent himself but has to represent the A’s and MLB, be  willing to tweet about himself in a way that is both funny and edgy?  I mean, is he going to censor himself or not be willing to make fun of himself?  I think the real key to any comedian is that they make fun of themselves first.  Can he do that?

Bravo Brandon.

Most comics grow up using comedy as a self-defense mechanism and are able to harness that creative energy into being a “funny person” later in life.  Typically, this doesn’t seem to happen with the jocks, cheerleaders, or guys in a band.  (Please note the important use of the letter “a” being that a guy is in A band not in THE band.)

Why would Brandon possibly need to defend himself?

“Hey, nice FASTBALL dork!”

“Way to be a top baseball player LAME-O!”

“Your brother Denny would have been drafted in the first round if he had made it back from ‘Nam” – Brandon’s father

What happened during the 2011 season was actually quite ironic (I think. It did not involve spoons or rainy wedding days) in that McCarthy kind of became the staff ace.  The forgotten man had stepped up and become the most reliable, consistent pitcher on the staff while two of the rotation members went down with injury and the other two were just recently traded.

I’m sorry that your friends are gone Mr. McCarthy, but you have plenty more on Twitter that will always be there for you!

For more hilarity, be sure to follow his wife @Mrs_McCarthy32 and his buddy @BrettAnderson49

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