December 12, 2012 § 5 Comments
Yes. Or at least I think so. That or some weird genius has hacked my OkCupid and made my profile 100x better. Let’s start from the beginning…
I was not much of a drinker as a teenager. I wouldn’t say it’s because I was a “good” kid but I wasn’t really a bad kid either. Sure, I wound up in the principal’s office about once a week, but for a person that thrives off of making people laugh with witty interruptions, Sex Ed class is basically entrapment. Other than that, my weekends basically consisted of trips to Hollywood Video with friends, popcorn and snacks, me eating most of the snacks, very tame stuff really.
This was not always the case though and at one particular party I had shown up late and decided to “catch up” with a bottle of whiskey. (I can’t pinpoint the exact age I was when this occurred, but I believe it would have actually been around 18 or 19, after graduation. I don’t know why I am adding this tidbit, except that my mom will probably read this and she worries. Even about things that happened years ago. She probably believes that I will still get an MIP ticket in the mail for even writing it now, ten years later. #Moms.) Moral of the story: Don’t play catch up with a bottle of Black Label whiskey if you aren’t a qualified drinker, or ever really.
Next and last thing I know, I’m running around the backyard with my shirt off and spinning it around over my head like I’m Petey Pablo. I raise up the following day, sitting in a lawn chair the next day, a total mess, and I’m hungover but fine. Until the psychological mind-fuck of being told that I did things that I do not remember doing. ”What is this concept of ‘blacking out’? You mean that alcohol erases memories???” It’s a pretty scary situation to think that you can do things and not remember, but I honestly had no idea that I had fallen down that chasm of having too much to drink. It scared me to the point of never wanting to drink again.
And then I went to a school notorious for over-consumption of alcohol and blacking out became activity du jour. I don’t want to sound like an alcoholic that anybody should be concerned about, I gave up drinking for 3 years without even having a necessary intention to do so but only because I was in a relationship with someone that rarely drank. It was not hard. What is hard is ‘H.A.M.’ and that’s how I drink. I’m not ashamed of this and I won’t sugarcoat it.
Flash-forward to this week when I check in on my OkCupid profile and realize that everything has been changed. I have a vague recollection of going onto the site a few weeks ago and perhaps thinking that I would “mix it up” but that is all I remember. The words that I read though were not ones that I recognized. I don’t remember writing any of this, really, but holy shit do I love it. Either some very funny person has written over my profile and hacked into my account (for what purpose, I could not even fathom) or when I black out I become some weird genius.
Let me begin by saying that I no longer associate OkCupid with finding a girlfriend. The site is a joke if you are looking for an honest relationship. It is a free site aimed at under-30s (of which I am dangerously close to not qualifying for anymore anyway) and as I’ve written here before, it is mostly for people looking to sex one another. Not being the most attractive guy, needless to say that my success rate wasn’t that high and therefore I run ramshod on my answers. There is no need to be genuine on that site about who you are, what your desires are, and what you’re looking for in a girl or guy. In recent months I’ve changed it from normal into one that I purposefully designed to be “the worst profile on OkCupid” (a la ‘I love pooping my pants, etc’) to a site that said “I want to meet girls that absolutely hate my fucking guts only” and the like. Guess which two of those three profile themes were the most successful?
The site is a joke.
Thankfully my profile is the best joke I’ve ever read and if I really wrote this when I was drunk, I should only be writing when I’m drunk. Be forewarned that weird, nonsensical, anti-humor is my favorite kind of humor right now. Maybe you do not find it funny.
But I think I’m drunk-fucking-hilarious and if I really did this, I can’t believe how clever and coherent most of the writing is. I really think I must have been hacked by Odd Future or something.
I do not know who Jerry Osguando is, but he actually seems pretty insightful. A modern day Yogi Berra.
A couple of typos help support my blackout theory, as does any Pauly Shore reference, but were the typos intentional?
Let’s just get this out of the way: That last line is better than anything I’ve ever written sober. Which makes me question if I did write it.
Not the best but weird as shit.
Some of the following though is amazing:
Tonto: More like Pronto is definitely my style. I’m actually working on Sky Scrapers 6. We Make It Hot: Best Hot Mixes is in my CD player.
Two suspicions here: I absolutely love this song by Brian McKnight. Not kidding. 2. ‘Buck’ is actually a term my friends use for drinking. ”Getting buck” aka “Get buck wild.” Did my friends screw with me? Not likely, they don’t know that Brian McKnight song. I possibly used the term buck here and I could understand why. My case for me writing this is getting very strong.
Again, the thing about NASA going on a team building trip and trampolines is also better than anything I’ve ever written. That’s next-level weird shit.
That thing about babies is just weird, but also kind of sweet because it implies perhaps that I am a cancer doctor for babies. Then I continue to talk about doctors here, this time a dumb doctor that believed my theory on the world, but then improperly use the word “hear” instead of “here.”
And here is the grand finale:
No, I don’t REALLY want someone that is into beastiality. But that joke is fucking great.
I am going to go ahead and take credit for this profile unless someone dares to stop me and say that they did it instead. If you did, great, please step forward because I’d like to meet you. Most of these jokes are right up my alley though, I just didn’t know what I was capable of until I turned into a blacked out monster. As far as getting any responses from it?
No. But if any girl found this to be as hilarious as I do, I need to put a ring on her dazzlefinger.
August 31, 2012 § 2 Comments
So like I’ve been saying lately, I haven’t had much time as of late to write here. I currently have 14 stories that I need to do between today and next Saturday, each of which will take at least an hour, and that’s just for one website. In total, I will have to write about 20 stories in the next week or so. TWENTY! At least!
However, it’s Friday and that means I can do a quick Pound-Pound for a Twitter account and today’s “winner” (in quotes because you’ve won nothing, sorry dude) is @egg_dog.
What is egg dog? Nobody knows. It is a dog that tweets about the most random, unexplainable, life observations on a daily basis. Best part of all is that even though it’s a dog that can write, he can’t write very well. Just enough to be understood. Here are some of Egg Dog’s top tweets:
@egg_dog: facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
(That tweet received 562 favorites and 922 re-tweets. Holey sht!)
@egg_dog: those bread ends u hate? theyre bread parenthesis w/out them thered b bread everywhere no way to stop it wed b fucked trapped in bread hell
@egg_dog: adjectives #WordsThatDescribeMe
(simpel and affective)
I think that’s enough to convince anyone that’s on twitter to follow the egg dog. The best part about it is that usually I’ll write a bit about the person that’s tweeting but I don’t know a damn thing about this doggy. That makes my job really easy. Go follow. Unless you’re not on twitter, then you’ve already won.
July 13, 2012 § 1 Comment
It has been awhile since I have done one of these. Frankly, I don’t really #FF much and maybe that’s why I never get the Follow Friday love in return because there is nothing to return. However, I will always throw out a #FF every now and then when I think a Twitter account simply needs to be seen by more people.
Enter @UNTRESOR. Seriously, I think he wants you to enter him. If it’s even a him at all, I can’t be 100% sure on that.
In my older versions of this series I had highlighted some well-known people that were surprisingly hilarious such as Brandon McCarthy and Ken Jennings. These were a couple of folks that you would never assume were funny (a baseball player and a Jeopardy contestant. There is a famous Jeopardy contestant!!!) but they managed to string words together to make these things called “Jokes” and then in return of reading these jokes you end up laughing, or “Ha Ha-ing”. It’s quite a fun activity.
Brandon Guttermouth is also good at this except I have no damn idea who he/she/it is. I honestly don’t know if a bunch of people do and I’m just not in the loop, but a http://www.Google.com internet search for “Who is Brandon Guttermouth” only returned results of his http://www.Twitter.com haikus.
His picture doesn’t give it away either:
Anyways, who doesn’t like a little mystery? We’ve all used public bathrooms, am I correct? The heart of the matter is the funny tweets. I have given a #FF to @UNTRESOR a couple of times before but maybe that’s not enough to convince you. Instead, here are some of “its” best tweets in existence. Enjoy!
May 9, 2012 § 3 Comments
Remember when The Secret was a thing?
I remember watching the video with a friend about five years ago and basically the only thing I took away from it was that if you can envision it, it will come true. That the powers of the universe are greater than we know, just as long as we believe.
After two days of really envisioning the things that I wanted, I gave up. Hey, this is 2012 and I am an American with ADHD so if you can’t deliver in 48 hours than screw off.
Either way, I have decided to make a “Vision Board” or a “Dream Board” because I am bored. (Get it?) These are the things that I want!
1. Allison Williams. Star of Girls on HBO and daughter of NBC anchor Brian Williams, she is my current Wendy Peffercorn. Maybe you think that Girls is a show for chicks, but then why did they have Allison rubbing one out in a bathroom two weeks ago? WHY I ASK YOU, WHY? That was for me. ;)
2. It’s Scrooge McDuck diving into a pile of gold so I’m sure you can figure that one out. You know how some people call money, “Duckets”? I wonder if that’s where it comes from.
3. Vacation. This plane is headed to an island in the Philippines. Yeah, I could go for that.
4. Finish a screenplay, become a full time writer.
5. Seahawks. Championship. That is all.
6. To live every day of my life like Ron Swanson.
7. A baby tiger. Seriously, look at that little cutie! I’ve been watching a lot of Fatal Attractions on Animal Planet. It’s a show about people that have dangerous pets, including lions and tigers and then those animals kill their owners because wild animals will always be wild. But if you put that little guy in my lap, I’d probably be willing to have my jugular ripped out too.
8. Meet my hero, Pete Carroll.
9. Respect. LOL! YEAH RIGHT! I’m making vision boards with Allison Williams and baby tigers.
10. This is the carne adobada from Gloria’s mexican restaurant in Culver City. It’s actually right by my place so this is an easy to accomplish goal. Seriously though, this is the best food I’ve ever eaten. If you’re ever in LA, GO THERE! It was on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives and actually made Guy Fieri tolerable for 8 minutes.
11. Twitter followers. Okay, this probably sounds lame, but hear me out. Wanting a lot of friends on facebook = lame. But people actually get jobs if they do well on Twitter. It has to do with #9, Respect. @MeganAmram got really amazing writing jobs because of her TWITTER! This is unfortunately the world we live in… @kennetharthurs
12. Yoga Pants because Yoga Pants. Shit I love this current popular style.
Also, here is Allison Williams in Yoga Pants:
I’ll have what she’s having. (That doesn’t really apply here.)
Check, please! (Also, doesn’t apply. But they sound funny, right?!)
Helllllloooo, Dolly! (Closer.)
She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine. (There ya go.)
Finally, I did this while I was bored. It is stupid.
February 24, 2012 § Leave a Comment
If you think it’s easy to make it as a comedian, notice some of the people that have auditioned for Last Comic Standing.
This includes Kirk Fox in 2010, after he had already appeared in Reno 911!, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and Comedy Central Presents: KIRK FOX! Despite having already given his own slot on Comedy Central, Fox still auditioned for Last Comic Standing, despite the fact that he seemed like a comic that was standing perfectly fine in his own right.
Now, I can’t say for sure if NBC throws in some ringers just to get more publicity for the audition rounds of the show, but it definitely seemed odd for me to see Fox audition, not to mention the fact that he didn’t get past the semi-finals. This was also the same year that he appeared as Joe from Sewage on Parks and Rec, but apparently was not a funnier comedian than the 10 people that did advance.
I don’t want to say shitty things about the people that advanced to the finals of LCS, because most of them worked hard to get there and are still trying to break into the business, but the only people that I had ever heard of and have still have ever heard of: Fox, Nikki Glaser, Rob Delaney, and Guy Torry… did not get past the semi-finals.
I believe this was the same year that low-ratings caused NBC to have a 5-person finale just to end it already with Felipe “No Wikipedia Page” Esparza as the winner. Can you imagine how people would look back at the last season of Last Comic Standing if they knew that it was Glazer v Delaney v Fox? Can you imagine that it wouldn’t even be the final season of Last Comic Standing, if those were the finalists? (Even though they had their best run of judges ever that year: Andy Kindler, Natasha Leggero, and Greg Geraldo Hosted by Craig Robinson.)
Luckily, thanks to Twitter we still get these comedians on a daily basis without NBC editing.
@KirkFox gives us gems like this one:
And if you’ve been following his career as much as I have, you can basically hear him saying the joke in his own unique, without-a-care delivery.
According to Imdb, Fox has been in the business for almost 20 years, first appearing as “Enforcer” in the classic Tia Carrerre/C. Thomas Howell vehicle, Treacherous. He then followed that up with a part in a much lesser-known film, Wyatt Earp, as “Pete Spence” and then as “Corporal” in one of my favorite Pauly Shore movies, In The Army Now.
It’s a long and treacherous road for anybody trying to make it in Hollywood or as a comedian, but the 2010′s might be the decade of the Fox. In the meantime, you can get on the Kirk Fox bandwagon early by following him on Twitter and now I’m going to go home and find my VHS copy of In The Army Now and also a VHS player.
@RobDelaney, @NikkiGlaser, @NatashaLeggero, @AndyKindler are also ones that you may or may not be following and are late to the party in doing so.
I am @casetines and I won season 10 of Last Comic Standing in 2015.
February 17, 2012 § Leave a Comment
When looking for good Twitter accounts of people you’ve never heard of, TV writers is a good place to start.
Aaron Blitzstein has written for Family Guy and David Letterman and those same sensibilities are shown in his tweets with such gems as:
He was once the VP of Marketing for WCW, making perhaps the same career mistakes as Hulk Hogan and Razor Ramon, but is now bodyslamming it on Twitter. Boom – relevant metaphors!
It’s incredibly hard to get recurring writing work in Hollywood (Trust me! I’ve never actually tried, but I once thought about trying to try and I’m still waiting for According to Jim to return the phone call that I thought about making once.) but Blitzstein has impressed Seth MacFarlane enough to continue to work for Family Guy and it’s return to hilariousness of the last two years and frankly I think he’s got the potential to build his own empire.
(Note: Suck up to people before they get to 10,000 followers)
His Twitter picture of Jason Bateman in American Psycho is also great because I love that movie! My editors are now telling me that I’ve got the wrong Bateman. My bad… his picture of Justine Bateman covered in blood is a good personification of his Twitter personality and the controlled madness of a world gone viral.
#FF @BlitznBeans for many more gems like these ones:
<5000 followers is madness.
You can also follow me @casetines
January 13, 2012 § Leave a Comment
There are two kinds of good sportswriters: The writer that tells you exactly how it happened and the writer that entertains you no matter how it happened.
I try to be the latter, but most of the time I’m just trying to deflect hate mail.
I write for a growing community of sports blogs called Sports Blog Nation (SBN) and some of you already know that because you came here from there, and some of you don’t because you came from somewhere else and that fascinates me. What did I do to make you find me?! I could really use information like that.
I honestly believe that SBN has some of the best sports writers working today and I’m not just saying that because I am biased. (And I am totally biased.) It makes me frowny face to think about what gets produced on the most major sports websites compared to what us bloggers do, but I have faith that eventually of the hard work we do is paying off.
(I am currently re-watching every game of the 2011 NFL season, so it better pay off.)
For some other writers on the site, they’re already beginning to enjoy the fruits of their labor, and they completely deserve it. One of those writers is Jon Bois. @jon_bois
There’s a few funny writers on the blog nation, but I am so busy that I have a hard time coming across most of them. When Jon posted his “Greatest Animated Sports GIFs of 2011″ though, it was hard to ignore. Seriously, it does not matter if you like sports or not, READ IT.
Being a good sports writer or a funny person though doesn’t always automatically translate to Twitter success for me. I love sports and I write about sports, but I tweet about a lot of other things besides sports. I’m just trying to make my 140 characters provide a little bit of value in your life.
I think that’s what Bois does with 140 characters as well.
So far in my Twitter Follow of the #FF, I’ve done @KenJennings and @BMcCarthy32, two unexpectedly hilarious guys who already had plenty of followers. Bois has followers, but deserves plenty more. I’m not sure how much of an impact a little guy like me would have but as my mom always “Any attention for me is good attention, now go up there and compete in this beauty pageant!”
As always, you can also follow me @casetines, but first follow those guys because they’ve accomplished more in their lives so far and I’ve got a ways to go.
January 6, 2012 § Leave a Comment
Last week, the Twitter Account of the FF was unlikely funny-man @KenJennings. What business does this Jeopardy contestant have putting out the best tweets on a constant basis?
The same goes for athletes. I first got onto Twitter just to follow athletes and get news. So I went around and followed a bunch of them. A bunch of baseball players and football players so that I could finally find out what’s going on behind the scenes for these superstars and heroes. As it turns out, there’s not much going on.
Athletes are typically some of the worst follows on Twitter, giving you more information on their favorite potato chips or “what women be doing” instead of insight into a game or season. If I want news, follow Adam Schefter or Buster Olney. He’ll tweet the only information you need, as well as other journalists. Follow them, and leave the athletes out of it.
@JoeMande, famous for making fun of moronic celebrities on Twitter, said that the only people that should really tweet are journalists and comedians. They can provide something of value in 140 characters, or links to things of value. If you want to share with your friends or the world “OMG THIS BURRITO IS SO GOOD!” then do it on Facebook. Nobody on Twitter gives a shit.
So athletes, typically, are not worth following unless you are just obsessive with keeping up in their day-to-day lives like a pseudo-paparazzo. Brandon McCarthy is one of the rare exceptions, using it as his platform for comedy rather than “ugh I HATE plane rides!”
This is a picture of Brandon McCarthy, pitcher for the Oakland A’s:
Normal looking dude, just exactly what you would expect for an athletes Twitter account, or something equally unoriginal or uncreative.
Here’s Brandon McCarthy’s Twitter picture:
The genius of this photo is that it shows that McCarthy is self-aware about how he was perceived going into the 2011 season, and he wasn’t afraid to make fun of it. The A’s had a strong staff that included four young pitchers with different levels of ace potential.
Oh, and they also had Brandon McCarthy. He didn’t pitch in the majors in 2010 and he had never posted an ERA under 4.00 over parts of five major league seasons. He was the forgotten man in the rotation, but he wasn’t afraid to scribble himself in there and say “HI YOU GUYS!”
McCarthy doesn’t disappoint with his tweets, even though he set the standard so high right off of the bat with that picture/drawing. On Thanksgiving Day, during Nickelback’s halftime show, he gave this perfect observation:
Simple and to the point. During a time when thousands of people were trying to make fun of Nickelback at the same time, McCarthy buried them all.
But will an athlete, a public figure like McCarthy, that not only has to represent himself but has to represent the A’s and MLB, be willing to tweet about himself in a way that is both funny and edgy? I mean, is he going to censor himself or not be willing to make fun of himself? I think the real key to any comedian is that they make fun of themselves first. Can he do that?
Most comics grow up using comedy as a self-defense mechanism and are able to harness that creative energy into being a “funny person” later in life. Typically, this doesn’t seem to happen with the jocks, cheerleaders, or guys in a band. (Please note the important use of the letter “a” being that a guy is in A band not in THE band.)
Why would Brandon possibly need to defend himself?
“Hey, nice FASTBALL dork!”
“Way to be a top baseball player LAME-O!”
“Your brother Denny would have been drafted in the first round if he had made it back from ‘Nam” – Brandon’s father
What happened during the 2011 season was actually quite ironic (I think. It did not involve spoons or rainy wedding days) in that McCarthy kind of became the staff ace. The forgotten man had stepped up and become the most reliable, consistent pitcher on the staff while two of the rotation members went down with injury and the other two were just recently traded.
I’m sorry that your friends are gone Mr. McCarthy, but you have plenty more on Twitter that will always be there for you!
For more hilarity, be sure to follow his wife @Mrs_McCarthy32 and his buddy @BrettAnderson49